That’s glass slippers, not a shoe of perfection, you have to get it right. Or neither, I’m going to go with neither. What’s your heart made of, anyway?

Listen smartypants, I was going more for the shoe fits part, okay?! I don’t think neither was an option, was it? Hmm, good question. I’m going to go with chocolate. I mean it’s firm, but it can chipped and occasionally, when handled right, it gets melty.

Too late. The porn will have a sequel. One with more meaning behind it. Was I in the club? More importantly, can I be the leader? 

Listen, if the entire porn industry comes after you, I’ve got your back, okay? I don’t know, were you? They kicked me out when I got a uterus tattoo.

They did! That’s what I’m saying, like.. now that we’re adults, is there inflation on this? Can we say that instead of getting a few dollars for losing teeth, we get a twenty? Because it might be worth it to just yank the teeth out, if that’s the case. Uhm, yeah, the song is actually going to be called The Ballad of Matt McGrorry and his Unibrow, so you can guess what it’s going to be about. Definitely, and you can always just claim that it’s creative story-telling, too, so no one really knows the whole story even when they think they do. I’ve always loved that about music; one person can hear something, and another person can hear something else, completely. See, give it some time, you’ll get there. Either that, or I’m going to start giving you Bayview Awards for things like… best unibrow. Or maybe funniest person or something along those lines. Either way, we’re going to make sure that we get your award locked and loaded and ready to be in your hands. Exactly, there’s a huge difference between people who are being malicious and malevolent just because that’s who they are, and people who are saying things because they genuinely don’t know what they’re saying. It’s something I think we all need to work on. But I agree whole-heartedly. We have the power to change a lot of things.

Oh, I was almost going to feel really bad for you and have to find a reason other than teeth to leave some money under your pillow. You’re tougher than me, I would need at least fifty to start yanking my own teeth out. That’s a beautiful title, I already feel like this is probably going to win you another one of those fancy awards you like so much - if you win for best song they engrave the title of the song on it right? This might be the only way I ever get my name on one, so this is big for both of us! My brother got all the musical sensibilities in our family I think, so I’m not always the most in tune with all that goes into making a great song, but those always seem like the best ones - the ones that are kind of able to reach a cross section of people with the same song. Are there Bayview Awards? What do I have to do to get me one of these, who do I bribe? I don’t know what I’d bribe them with but I’m sure I can figure something out. There is, so long as they’re willing to learn - the ignorance excuse only goes so far. Eventually you have to be able to learn some hard lessons or you just end up the asshole, I think. We do and it doesn’t have to be in big ways, I love watching some of the creative things people do to make a difference, every little bit helps.

I’m always for documenting these things, honestly! And I had a great time at the party. Probably drank a bit more than I meant to, but I didn’t have a hangover the next day, which was exciting. I’ve already accepted that I don’t party nearly as hard as I used to, though I feel like I’d suffer a lot more if I tried. That’s one good thing about getting older, right? Knowing your limits. And I hope so! I mean, it already feels like a heatwave compared to last week, and the snow is melting! I’m with you hoping spring is on the way. And excellent, I hope you end up liking the show! They have some other great artists performing too, so that’ll be a treat. And that sounds like a perfect plan to me! And don’t worry, it’s the reason I always buy extra packs of shirts, for having those beginning ones to practice on! I usually go so long between making them, I feel like I need the refresher course myself! I’ve got us covered.

Lucky you, how’d you manage that? No wait, don’t tell me - sell your secret and make millions and just remember to thank me down the road. Is that what this is? ‘Knowing my limits’? That sounds like something my mom would want me to do, dude, I’m not sure I’m ready to be in that place yet! Right? I mean, I won’t be completely happy until I can pull out the shorts but we’re getting there. I have no doubt that I will love it, as will my folks. I apologize in advance for any embarrassing gushing they might do - they're mostly cool but they’re still parents after all! That’s a good plan, I’m glad someone has an idea of they’re doing because I probably just would have sprayed food coloring on an old shirt!

Man… I’m not saying that I want to lose teeth, because that would be worrisome. But how cool was it to put a tooth under the pillow and wake up with money just waiting for you? Just for losing a tooth! God, yeah, please? I would gladly take only having to be half as responsible as I am now! I’m going to write a song about you, but I’m going to make it a good song, don’t worry. I wouldn’t want to be too mean, since I do like you and all! I think he eventually came around to realizing that a song is a song, and also he shouldn’t have done something like that if he didn’t want his kids to carry it around with them. Mhm, exactly, we’ve mostly made things alright between us, so I feel pretty good about that. Eventually you realize you have to forgive someone so that we can both move on with our lives. Definitely a bit of both; the big deal thing and the being from home thing, that makes things that much more special, always. You’re very welcome! I think you’re pretty trustworthy as far as staying in the good category goes, you have a pretty good chance of staying there. That’s how I feel, too, like you just want to clap your hand over their mouth and tell them to be quiet before they make it worse for everyone. I think that’s the worst of it is that it’s just… the norm to talk that way. And past that, you have to learn why and how something is wrong. But I also think it’s good when we can recognize how problematic we were. It means we’re growing! Good! I’m gonna look forward to it.

Did you parents not do that when you were a kid? I used to drive my mom crazy when I had loose teeth because I would play with them obsessively so I could get my money sooner. Half seems like a fair deal, right? Like we’re not trying to totally get out of it but just...lightening the load. There will be unibrow in this song, right? Because otherwise, I don’t know if I can support it! Well, and the beauty of music I think is that even though that’s what you were thinking about when you wrote it, someone listening is probably getting something totally different from it, you know? Like every song tells a different story specifically for the person listening. It’s kind of magical. I’m glad he came around though. That’s fair, I don’t really have anything to compare it too. I’ve never won anything like that for myself but I can see why the being from home would add to its specialness. That’s what makes it so hard to change too, I don’t think most have ill intentions so when you call them out on it, they can’t see it because it wasn’t coming from a bad place. The problem comes when they respond with the machismo they’ve been taught to and it’s like running head first into a brick wall. I think we’ll get there though, despite some of the crap happening right now, I think the upcoming generations have different ideas.

This is fantastic news, my little wino group will be a hit. I’ll have to make sure I check it out, I don’t think there’s much better than having food right on your doorstep, I have to agree with you there.

You start the wine group, I’ll start a beer one and we can compete for prizes or something? I don’t know what the prizes will be but we’ll figure it out. You heading out to the festival this weekend?

i knew it. well, maybe the charm thing and the look thing, maybe your legs too? not sure. but yes, it’s something like that because in the end i am still quite not disliking you so it must be. it would be so boring to be like everyone else, not something i want. hey, if you’re not busy you should totally come do a photoshoot with me and delta, because we need someone to take cute pics of us in flower crowns! and if you’re hesitating, we’re making you one so… you can’t say no to that, can you?

My legs, huh? Just wait until summer, those bad boys are never covered up! Not disliking me is good, I’m most comfortable in that area between tolerating me and actually liking me, so there’s still room for improvement. I’m kind of late on this but if you still need a photographer, hit me up - there isn’t much I wouldn’t do to get my own real life flower crown.

Why not? It gives the porn some meaning. That way you can talk about the struggles the man made. Convince others to watch it. 

Hey, hey, hey - don’t go ruining porn with deep meaning and actual plots, okay? That’ll get you tossed out of the Man’s Man Club.

I’ll wear the metaphoric shoe of perfection gladly. It’s not an admission, I’m just saying that if I had a heart, I’d want one like that, that’s all.

As you should, Cinderella. You’re putting thought into this though, so either you know something about it or we’re making progress.

Uh, yeah, there is. It’s been around for a while now, but they’re pretty exclusive unless you’re a mommy, or you get invited by a mommy. Of course there’s food! What do you think we are… dads?! Good point. I actually like that approach. If I haven’t unpacked it or used it by the end of the summer, they should be thrown out… too bad I’m a hoarder.

So, I can’t just show up? Is there a secret password or something? Ha! No way, I would never insult a mother like that - I feel like there’s probably lots of vegetables too though and I wouldn’t be allowed to leave until I ate them. Are you? I’m bad with certain things, like books and stuff, but other than that I carry a pretty light load. Did you need more than one truck to move, because I thin that’s the actual threshold.

Yeah but you count double because your cool and familiar! But yeah man, lots of great people around that I’m excited to get to know. For sure, I don’t know lots of places around here but I’m sure we can find a good spot to grab a beer. Oh yeah, right on. I get that, Jesus, if I ever went back to Texas my meemaw and mom would be bringing me to church to auction me off, I swear! So you’re still fresh blood a little too? How you liking it?

Is that why? I was pretty sure it was my epic dance moves. Hell yeah, we can - I’m good with the beer places and the food places so far, that much I’ve got you covered on. Still getting familiar with the rest. Alright, now I just feel like a Texas road trip is in order, because I’d kind of like to see this! Very much fresh blood, but absolutely loving it. You won’t regret it, I’m sure of that! You hitting the Festival this weekend?

That’s the ideal woman, in my opinion. And I’m not just saying that to be the ideal woman myself. Soft gold is more acceptable, malleable but firm, so I like that.

If the shoe fits, you’ll wear it though, right? Because if I’m to trust what you’ve told me, then it would have to. A malleable but firm heart of gold, I can live with that. Is this an admission?

pft, no you’re not. you just want to believe you are. that’s a whole different thing. twerking? you’re so weird, remind me again why i like you? we should all be knights, knights are cool. but if we all were knights… would it still be cool? probably not. why am i rambling? stop me. are you having a good week so far?

That could be true, it’s usually the case. Er, my rugged good looks and charm? If that’s not it, I have no idea, you probably shouldn’t! Probably not, we’d be just like everyone else and how boring is that? Pretty laid back, yeah. I need to find a summer job or something. What about you?

Right?! I wish I had someone handing me a brown paper bag lunch at the start of the day and told me to go have a good day, and paid taxes for me and cleaned my toilets and all of those things we took for granted when we were younger. As long as we can make the decisions about movies, though of course. I don’t want to give up all of my freedoms! Probably as obvious as it seems. Which, by the way, if you ever write a song about your parents and don’t tell them, apparently that only deepens the rift? Who knew! That’s exactly how it goes, though. You’ve already been there, done that, and you didn’t think that this person in your life was capable of doing it, either. ARIAs are like the Australian equivalent to a Grammy, basically, and I have… nine? Nine ARIA awards, and then… a bunch of other ARIA Number 1 awards, which is just when your album or single goes number one. So I love those a little extra since they’re like the cream of the crop, if that makes sense. You’re welcome! It’s completely true, I mean, I’m not the kind of person who thinks that every man is that way, since I have a lot of great male friends – you, included – but it does get to this point where you see a man and  you’re just like, “ugh, here we go,” when they open their mouth. I think you and Olly need to come crash, we’re back in session! He already crashes my piano lessons now and then, so like… make this happen.

And brought you soup when you were sick and left money under your pillow when you lost a tooth. Okay that last one might be a little dated, but you have a good grasp of what I mean! Exactly, all of the freedom of adulthood, just maybe like half the responsibility. Oh, ouch, really? I guess I kind of see why. I’ve never had a song written about me, or at least not that I’m aware of, but if you know it’s about you then I guess it would feel a little weird that someone else is listening to this story that’s pretty personal for you. Still, in my experience, music is great therapy and in a way, he probably should have been grateful. At least you were trying to process it in someway, you could have just written him off instead but obviously it was something that meant enough to you that you felt you needed to write about. No, it totally makes sense, I just wasn’t sure if it was because they were from home or if there was more to it than that - sounds like it’s a little bit of both though! Thank god, I’m not in that category, thank-you! Sometimes guys open there mouth and I almost instinctively know where they’re going and I wish I could stop them. I’ve been on both sides though, I’ve always been pretty liberal but even I was unaware of some of the problematic language and behavior that we’re just taught is normal and even expected. I thought I was pretty enlightened but every once in awhile I look at old tweets or something and cringe. We will for sure, I’ve got nothing but time these days, so hopefully he’s around and I can drag him over next week!

Yeah, but at least you’re sympathetic, and that counts! You can join the Mommy Lovers’ Club — be a part of it. Does everybody just live out of their boxes, now? I don’t mind it; it means I don’t have to unpack, but I need to know what the thing is here, so I can get with the program. Thank you, Matt. I’m Candice!

There’s a Mommy Lovers’ Club? Sign me the hell up! I’m assuming there’s food at the meetings, right? It wouldn’t be very Mom-ish if there wasn’t. Mostly, I think it’s just an unpack as you need it kind of thing and if you haven’t unpacked it by the end of summer, you know you can just toss it. So it’s practical too, not just pure lazy.