Doogle's Shitfest

“I hope you don’t answer your door that way anytime a woman shows up,” she giggled, her previously dopey smile transitioning into a smirk. Before he could respond, she closed the gap between his muzzle and hers, giving him a short, softer kiss of her own design.

He chuckled. “Of course not, that’s absurd. I only do that if they have horns,” he joked, squeezing her just a tad tighter, as well as dodging a playful bat from her, before releasing his queen and allowing her to enter his home. The lighting was different, far dimmer than what Toriel was used to seeing. As opposed to the usual white from his electric lights, the home was filled with candle light and the natural light of the fire under his mantel. The dinner table was all set and ready for what seemed like what had to be a fancy dinner.

“What’s the occasion?” Toriel asked as Asgore ushered her to the dining table, the room appearing more and more romantic the more she looked. “I didn’t take your text to come over as something this fancy.”

“It’s Valentine’s Day!” The words made blood rush to Toriel’s ears.

She had completely forgotten, these new human traditions that monsters were adopting left and right not quite in her mental catalogue yet. She was mentally kicking herself, the whole school was covered in pink and red construction paper for weeks, how could she have forgotten?

“O-Oh!” She blushed, her cheeks turning more and more red, “Of course! I must have… forgotten.” Scratching the back of her head, she averted her gaze, not quite able to look him in the eyes as she spoke. She was ashamed. Asgore had put on such a fancy and extravagant plan for the night, with an obvious amount of effort, and she didn’t even bother to bring him a gift.

“That’s no worry, Tori.” she looked up, her frown meeting his cheery expression. “You do plenty for me already as it is, I just simply want to return the favor.” He pulled her chair out for her, gesturing for her to sit. Her lips quivered for a second, looking him in the eyes. They were sincere, and filled to the absolute brim with love. A smile found its way onto her lips, her previously guilty eyes softening before she accepted the seat.

Immediately, Asgore poured her a glass of wine first before preparing his own. His cheery smile never left as he excused himself to the kitchen, leaving Toriel waiting as he grabbed what she presumed was the entrée for the evening. She couldn’t believe how much he put into tonight. There were more candles than she could count, all of which were offering very pleasant light for the evening. She hadn’t seen this set of silverware in what felt like millenia, and there was not a single bit of tarnish on any of the utensils. Heavenly smells were coming from the kitchen, making her mouth water as she could only admire the fruits of Asgore’s labor.

The king had gone above and beyond even what Toriel could see. Asgore had also busted out his best, yet still simple, china and finest tablecloth and napkins. His prep went far beyond anything he’d done before, even as king. The bottle of wine whose price tag would make Toriel blush. Countless hours spent trying to perfect her favorite meals. He truly wanted tonight to be special, if not for him definitely for Toriel, and that’s all he could possibly wish for.

He returned, interrupting Toriel’s inspection. He had a pie tin in his oven mitt laden hands, steam wafting from the filling. The smell was unmistakable: Snail Pie. “I certainly am not the best cook,” he said sheepishly, setting the meal down on its trivet, “But it’ll have to do.” He laughed nervously, slicing out a hefty portion for Toriel. She was already drooling, it smelled fantastic beyond belief. Everyone knew snails were her weakness, and Asgore knew that fact especially well. While her Butterscotch Cinnamon pie was ever famous, he knew that her own snail pie recipe was her absolute favorite. With her napkin in her lap, she eagerly watched her plate as she was given her serving, the golden brown crust far more than enticing as the decadent snails exuded a wonderful smell.

She waited patiently as Asgore served himself and sat down, the king’s cheeks rosy as he settled in his chair and swirled his wine in its glass. She picked up her fork and knife, cutting out a morsel and eagerly took a bite. Her eyes closed, her taste buds shuddering in pure pleasure as she chewed the pie ever-so-slowly. The crust was buttery and flaky, perfectly complimenting the savory taste and tender texture of the snails. It was neither too salty nor too sweet, and Toriel almost dared to call it better than her own attempts.

A hum formed in her throat as she swallowed the divine tidbit of her meal, her eyes opening. Asgore was staring with what seemed like bated breath, his face filling with relief as her smile stuck onto her snout.

“How is it?” He questioned, red-faced. He hadn’t even picked up his fork yet.

“It’s wonderful,” Toriel sighed, quickly opting to cut another bite for herself instead of singing its praises in detail. It paired excellently with the wine, the more sweet, yet crisp vintage offering a nice cut against the savory as rich, nutty overtones filled her palate. She was no expert, but a meal of this calibre obviously had a wine to match. She devoured her slice as politely as she could, the tantalizing savoriness abusing her olfactory in the absolute best way.

Asgore ate much slower, his attention on Toriel. It was such a relief that his dinner was a hit, tonight being rather important to him. As much as he enjoyed the cuddles and kisses he shared with her, and of course any time he got to see her was gift enough, tonight he wanted all focus on her. In his eyes she’s given him the world and then some, nothing could make him happier than simply laying eyes on her and seeing her smile. So he made sure this evening was perfect for her.

Dinner continued on as the candles’ wicks burned shorter and shorter, the delicate clink of silver and porcelain only interrupted by mild conversation. Toriel was still infatuated with the food and drink, making sure to eat her fill, even choosing to go far as to ask for seconds. She stared lovingly down the table at Asgore between bites, her cheeks rosy as she approached a third glass of wine. The care was evident, as was his slight nervousness. Guilt resurfaced as she remembered her insolent act of not bringing a gift. She stared down at her plate, the crust from her slice of pie the only thing greeting her.

“Tori,” her attention was quickly caught again by the monster across the table. That guilt seemed once again to evaporate as she saw his simple, happy smile looking back at her. “I see you enjoyed your meal.”

They shared a laugh as her plate was basically picked clean, save for that last piece of crust she was meaning to eat. “Indeed I did,” she complimented cheerily, “It was lovely Asgore, thank you.”

“Oh, you don’t need to thank me.” He blushed. “I’m just glad I didn’t overcook it like the last time I made dinner.”

Toriel snorted, taking a sip of her wine. “Asgore, I always enjoy your cooking.”

He rolled his eyes and let out a doubtful laugh. “Sure, and next thing you’re going to tell me is that my beard’s ‘fine the way it is’.”

“I’m serious!” She chortled, setting her silverware down and swirling her wine. She stared into the dark red liquid, her reflection just barely visible as it settled. “You put so much effort into our little dates, whether it’s this one or that movie night we had last week. I just wanted to thank you for that, sincerely. It means a lot.”

Asgore merely grinned, cutting another mouthful from the pie on his plate. He sniffed, not quite sure what to say as he took another bite of his dinner. Very little meant as much to him as she did, and hearing her say that basically made his heart melt.

He set his fork and knife down, wiping his hands on his napkin while he chewed. He swallowed that last bite, dabbing the crumbs from his lips and gazed back at her. “Would you like to dance, Tori?” He asked simply, setting his crumpled napkin down on the table.

The question took her aback. It had been ages since they last danced, memories flooding back merely at the mention of the act. She had truly missed dancing, that being one of the worst wounds to her heart during their time spent apart. She smiled at his offer. “Of course I would, Gorey.”

He stood up, his face joyous yet calm as he pushed his chair in and offered her his arm. She happily accepted, allowing Asgore to escort her to the dance floor, which also happened to be his living room. They stood in the middle, face to face in silence. One of them pressed their nose forward, catching the other and softly nuzzling against them. The movement was ingrained in the both of them, almost like instinct as they enjoyed the simple salutation. Asgore pulled away first, kissing her cheek before making his way to the media console.

He pulled a record from the shelf and opened his turntable, pulling the vinyl from its sleeve and setting it on the platter. He put the dust cover back down and hit play, his smile growing at the sound of the needle dropping into the groove. He turned around, contentedly returning to his queen, placing his right hand on her side and gently holding her hand with the other as the soft crackle and pops played as the stylus traveled along the entry groove. A simple rhythm beat played before the bassline kicked in, followed by the guitar.

Almost immediately they started swaying to the beat. It was a bit faster than the waltzes of their old ballroom, which were their bread and butter, but the speed was their last worry. Despite the music being entirely new to them, the genre and groove was still reminiscent to music that they had listened to way back when many, many years ago. It was pleasant and smooth, and frankly fitting for the evening. The goats pressed their chests not even a centimeter apart, their heartbeats in rhythm with one another as they swayed to the beat, staring tenderly into one another’s eyes. Their smiles only grew wider as the singer came in.

Can you see to this harmony?

Can you let a quarter set you free?

The music flowed through them as the soft sounds of synths carried their steps, more and more layers of sound being added to the song. The bassline was cheery and constant, offering solid backbone as the two moved and danced together. All the time spent away seemed to dissipate as the LP spun, each second of music making up for years and years of sadness and strife.

I got to see, learn this history

Pull another record from your sleeve

The chorus ended and they kept up to the beat, a surprising lack of rust on their ability to move in time. Hearts were in their eyes as they simply allowed the tune flow through them, going into a blissful state of autopilot for as long as the song went.

Slip another coin in my machine

(Baby, you're my kind)

Another verse passed, once again allowing the chorus take the Dreemurrs away. Sweet sound flowed through the speaker, resonating somewhere deep inside both of the goats. The sway of the beat became second nature to them as they merely stepped to and fro with one another, not a single hitch in their movement as they listened to the chorus near its end again. Asgore could only stare into her eyes as she did the same to him. She looked absolutely gorgeous to him.

Shake it mama

Upset your karma

A quick laugh came from the two as Toriel wiggled her hips ever so slightly to the music, earning a quick ‘pfft’ from Asgore as they recuperated from the musical joke. Pure cheer oozed from the two as the song only continued. There was a break in the lyrics, the smooth instrumentation taking them along in the harmony and melodies until the solo took place. The guitar serenaded them in a style similar to the lyrics, sliding up and down the chromatic scale in a way too pleasant for words until the final chorus played. Toriel closed her eyes, resting her head on Asgore’s chest as they still moved from side to side.

The gift keeps giving

Use what you've got

Not what you're missing

Two more chords played before silence, the record spinning on to the next song. Asgore turned the volume down, choosing instead to focus on the woman in his arms more than the music. She still rested her head on his torso, his lungs making her head rise and fall with his breath.

“Thank you for tonight, Asgore,” she spoke up softly, catching Asgore off guard.

“You’re welcome, Tori. I’m glad you came.” He moved his hand from hers to her side, pulling her just a tad bit closer. “I hope you enjoyed the song.”

“Oh, yes I did,” she giggled, “It’s not what I’m used to but it’s certainly pleasant. Where’d you find that album?”

“It was on the radio and I just had to note it down.” He sighed, enjoying the warm embrace, “Something about it really caught my ear.”

“I know what you mean,” she yawned, resting her head against him even further. Tonight had been perfect, though the wine was catching up to her.

“Tired?” Asgore asked, his rumbly voice like music to Toriel’s ears.

“Mhmm,” she cooed, “Is there any Valentine’s Day plans for the bedroom, Gorey?”

Asgore thought for a second. “Would you like to snuggle and watch a movie?”

She laughed quietly, yawning again. “That sounds perfect.” She picked her head up, looking at Asgore before both of them slipped into a tender kiss.

Asgore swept Toriel off of her feet after the two pulled apart, making the queen coo as he led them both to the bedroom. The record still turned, quiet music filling the living room as the candles slowly went out one by one, their duty fully discharged.

I'm the Kokopelli in the cave

When I'm in the mood I like to play

Bend a couple rules and misbehave

Welcome to my twisted cabaret

“Well…” he murmured, awkwardly scratching the back of his neck, “she told me not to worry about it…”

Undyne pinched the bridge of her nose. “Oh my god, you actually believed that? That directly translates to ‘You better get me a gift, Dreemurr!’ How long were you two married?”

Asgore slumped into his chair, groaning at the entire situation. “I know, I know. I just have no idea what to get her.”

“You know her better than anyone else in the whole entire underground! How the hell do you not have a clue?”

“Undyne, she and I have been together for over a millenia. It gets quite difficult to be original after a century or two.” Asgore leaned forward, rubbing his face as he continuously drew blanks. “And especially with that… break she and I had I have even less of a clue what she would want now.”

Undyne looked down sadly at the old goat. “Well, you two have had to have gone on dates lately, right?”

“Of course.” Asgore nodded. “We try to spend at least one day together every week, either at her house or mine. Why?”

“Notice anything different she might’ve gotten into since you two last celebrated Gyftmas as a couple?”

He furrowed his brow. “I don’t recall anything new? Her house looks almost exactly like it did when she and I lived together.”

Undyne scratched her chin. What were things she knew Toriel liked? She enjoyed reading, but who wants to get a book for Christmas? Lingerie crossed her mind, but she doubted that Asgore would appreciate something so raunchy. Snails? Boring. Pie tin? Too utilitarian. Socks? Too scandalous. She shook her head, too many ideas were flooding in at once and not a single one useful.

An idea clicked into place in her mind, spurring Undyne to walk over to Asgore, grabbing his shoulders from behind. “How about you treat her to a nice day out, get her to a spa, give her a nice massage, order some fancy food; the whole nine yards! I bet she would love that!”

“She would indeed,” Asgore looked up, “That’s what I got her last Mother’s Day.”

“Then why not supplement it with a little ‘Happy Ending’.” She winked, nudging him with an elbow.

“Undyne, I understand your excitement and support of her and my relationship, but I wouldn’t concern yourself with my sex life.” He looked down guiltily, his cheeks rosy. “And… that was also a part of her Mother’s Day gift.”

Undyne seemed to deflate after the initial surprise of what Asgore said as her idea once again proved to be a failure. The fish pressed at her temples, trying to think of anything that would be a good gift for the ex-queen. She let out an exasperated sigh and sat down next to her father.

“Man, you’re right. This is harder than I thought.” She supported her chin with a fist, still trying to think of anything to help her old goatdad out.

“It’s fine. Worst case, I’ll just have to sleep on the couch for a few nights.” He chuckled. “I’ve been through much crueler punishment from her.”

“Yeah…” Undyne sighed again, racking her brain. She had Alphys’s gift ready and wrapped the day after last Gyftmas, why couldn’t she come up with something right now for such a simple old lady? “Does she need anything for her classroom?”

“Not that I can think of.”

“Her car?”

“Nope.” “Hmm… What about her kitchen?”

“It’s as well stocked as always.”

“You sure she wouldn’t want another…”

“Undyne I don’t like repeating gifts, especially within a year of giving the last one.”

“But this time you could wrap your-”

“Undyne!”

“Fine, fine.” She flopped against the back of the couch, staring up at the ceiling. After a minute or so she finally spoke up again, “Well I’ve got nothin’.”

Asgore sighed, “Now you see how I’ve felt for the past couple of months or so.” He grunted and sat up. “I suppose I could just get her a bottle of wine or something of the like, maybe a few snails. Not the most original gift but hopefully it’ll be thoughtful enough.”

“I doubt she’d get that mad anyway,” Undyne added, “it’s just one day of the year.”

“Yeah,” said Asgore, a bit lost in thought, “let's hope.”

~~~

Gyftmas day was over as the sun dipped beneath the snowy horizon. Asgore and Toriel had snuck away from the rest of the party at the latter’s house to enjoy some quiet time alone. Everyone else was either asleep or too focused on the spectacle of Gyftmas movies that were now fully available for monster kind. The two goats were sitting on Toriel’s bed, her head on his shoulder as they simply enjoyed the time spent together.

“Another Gyftmas done, eh, Gorey?” she giggled, sinking against him further as he wrapped an arm around her.

“Yup,” he responded simply, taking in a deep breath. The house still smelled wonderfully like her cooking, and between that and the gorgeous monster that was hanging on his shoulder, he almost felt at ease about her present. “It is nice getting to spend it with family after delivering all of those present last night.”

“I bet,” she sighed, looking up at him. “And now you get to spend the night with me~”

He chuckled as her grin turned wily, matching it with a smile of his own. “Well, that’s just the best part.”

She shifted on the bed so she could wrap him into a warm hug, the queen closing her eyes as she relaxed into him, her smile turning soft. “Good answer.”

A small hum left his throat as he traced a hand on her back, earning a small contented sigh from his queen. They stayed there for a minute, his hand just idly moving on its own accord between her shoulders until he finally spoke up. “Does that mean I pass the class?”

“I wouldn’t go that far yet, Dreemurr,” she threatened playfully. “We haven't even gone to bed yet.”

“Oh?” he asked. “And what does that have to do with it?”

“That’s your exam!” She smirked with a bit of sly enthusiasm, sitting back up to eye level with him before the two broke into quiet laughter.

They nuzzled and spent a short while being sweet with one another as their laughter quieted down. A giggle here, a playful pinch there. The goats had barely a hitch in their sway as old habits became new ones again. Despite the aforementioned “break”, the two had reformed much of their old saccharine shenanigans since the past few months the two had been together. Asgore smiled as the two settled on the sheets, looking lovingly down at his wife.

“Oh!” he interrupted, catching Toriel’s attention. “Before I forget, I have something for you.”

The queen looked at him curiously as he grabbed his phone. He clumsily pressed a few buttons until a neatly wrapped box materialized out from his phone’s speaker. The sudden appearance caught Asgore off guard, who scrambled and seized it haphazardly before it could fall on the floor, much to Toriel’s amusement. Asgore’s cheeks flushed as she giggled at the show, just happy he didn’t drop her present. While this storage system Alphys installed on his phone was surely useful, Asgore wasn't quite used to it yet.

“It isn’t, uh, much,” he laughed, scratching the back of his neck, “but, you know... merry Gyftmas, Tori.”

“Oh, Gorey,” she exclaimed, her smile widening as she took her gift. “I told you not to worry about getting me a gift this year!”

“Yes, yes, I know,” Asgore chuckled, matching her expression, “but I went against my better judgement and didn’t listen to you this time.”

“Aww,” she cooed, “Well, now I feel like a fool-- I didn’t get you anything. That’s why I told you not to, dummy!”

Asgore laughed. All of the anxiety in his chest vanished as he realized that Undyne’s incessence was in fact not needed. He leaned against Toriel, before saying “Well, that’s a relief. I don’t think I need a better gift than just getting to see you every day.”

“Oh my goodness, you are the biggest sap I have ever met, Dreemurr,” Toriel chuckled, “You sure know how to make a lady blush.”

“I’m glad you think so,” he teased, “Now come on, open your present. We are trying to sleep tonight, yes?”

“I don’t know, are we?” She picked at a corner of the wrapping paper with a claw. “If memory serves me correctly, I remember for some reason Old Saint Nick gets a rather random burst of energy on Christmas night every year. You wouldn’t know anything about that, would you?” She looked up and smirked knowingly at him before tearing the rest of her gifts packaging to streamers, revealing the box underneath.

Asgore’s face flushed as Toriel stared him down. “W-Well, I’d imagine he must get tired from giving out presents all the night before…” He looked down her body and then back up at her eyes. “So I’d assume the best person to ask as to why would be Mrs. Claus. She must know him best.”

“Of course she does,” she giggled as grabbed the top of the box, “It’s her job after all.” Her eyes lit up as the packaging gave way to her gift: a bottle of her favorite wine.

“I didn’t know what else you’d like, so I just went with wine,” he said, some of the previous nervousness seeping back into his belly, “We somehow manage to go through a whole bottle every week when we have our date night, so I know it’ll at least get used.”

“Trying to get me drunk now, hmm, Gorey?” She elbowed him playfully, giggling as he quickly grew flustered. Before he could start stammering out a response, she gave him a quick kiss on the cheek. “It’s a very thoughtful gift, Asgore. Thank you very much.”

“O-Oh! Of course, Tori!” He laughed, his leg shaking slightly from his nerves. “I’m glad you like it!”

“Mhmm, this will come in very handy.” She set down the bottle and cleared the bed of any wrapping paper. Sighing, she leaned against Asgore again, closing her eyes. “I do feel bad for not getting you anything though, Asgore.”

“Aw, don’t worry about it, Tori. I meant it earlier that just getting to see you is gift enough. Especially these private chats.”

“Oh, so you’re calling these ‘chats’ now, hmm?” She inspected a finger on her paw to pretend to be uninterested, a slight smirk on her muzzle. “I had a different word in mind for whenever you end up in this room.” His cheeks turned rose red as the old queen cackled, her banter making quick work of Asgore’s nerves.

He was at a loss for words, sitting ramrod still as he was not at all sure how to respond. Meanwhile, Toriel was howling in laughter, the queen draping her arms around his shoulders and squeezed him close as she spoke up, “Oh dear, Gorey I’m sorry. You are just so fun to tease.” She nuzzled against his cheek in apology, “Please don’t be mad.”

“Of course not,” he chuckled, warming up to the hug, “I don’t see how you making a joke about how prolific I am would hold any offense.”

“‘Prolific’, hmm? That’s a pretty word~” She cooed as his hand rubbed up and down her back, the queen wiggling against him to get closer. Asgore looked at her happily, the two making eye contact before he placed a hand on her cheek, grinning as he pressed his lips to hers. A content hum came from Toriel’s throat at the gesture as she closed her eyes, falling into the kiss for as long as Asgore held it.

It was simple and quick until the king broke it, Asgore smiling and watching Toriel open her eyes. His gaze turned lidded as he stared into her dark rubies, swearing he could see hearts in them as he slowly got lost in her happy expression.

“It’s been a while since I’ve seen you smile like that, Tori,” he said, breaking the silence.

“Oh?” she responded, puzzled, “Like what, dear?”

“Like I didn’t hold the kiss long enough.” He smirked as she broke into laughter at his dopey response.

He felt like a champion as she giggled into his ear, the queen hanging off of his shoulder as he soaked in the attention from his wife. Eventually, Toriel spoke up again, “So, what was that question you wanted to ask Mrs. Clause again?”

Asgore grinned at her smirk, his hands heading exactly where he wanted them to go as Toriel giggled in excitement. “Oh I have plenty to ask her.”

~~~

“So how’d the gift exchange with Queenie go?”

Undyne stood next to Asgore in Toriel’s kitchen the morning after, both of them enjoying an early cup of tea while the rest of the guests were stuck asleep for at least another hour or two. The ex-king looked up from his mug at Undyne’s question, smiling at the memory from last night.

“Oh it went great! She loved what I got her, and you’d be hard pressed to find me complaining about mine.” He smiled, closing his eyes as he enjoyed another sip of his famous golden flower tea.

“Oh yeah?” asked Undyne with a toothy grin, “Well what’d you get her?”

“Just a bottle of wine. She and I go through those so fast nowadays, and I know she definitely enjoys at least a glass every night on her own right, so I thought why not?”

Undyne gave Asgore an almost overly forceful pat on the shoulder. “See! I told you it wasn’t as hard as you made it out to be. Women are easy!”

Asgore chuckled as he swallowed another bout from his mug. “I wouldn’t quite say that, but I was definitely thinking too hard about the whole ordeal. I’m just happy everything went well.”

“Managed to avoid the couch once again, huh?” Undyne joked, earning a chortle from the old king. The two shared a laugh as they finished their tea. The freshly risen morning sun was shining bright through the windows as the snowy winter landscape outside starkly contrasted the coziness inside. Asgore was completely content in his “Mr. Dad Guy” sweater that Frisk insisted he wore for the occasion, his mug slowly growing empty while he sat at the kitchen table.

The quiet of the morning was broken again as Undyne spoke up, a question ready on her lips. “Well if that’s what you got her, what’d she get you?”

“O-Oh, well she didn’t really get me anything. See-” Just as he started to explain Toriel walked into the kitchen, her eyes tired yet lidded as she walked towards the cupboard with a stride in her step. There was a content smile on her face as she plucked a mug from the shelf and waltzed over to the teapot as the other three eyes in the room were glued to her. She yawned, swaying to a slow rhythm as she poured herself some tea. The room was deadly quiet, save for the delicate clinks of china as Toriel prepared her cup.

The queen finished pouring herself a spot of tea, and turned around to the other two monsters. She walked to Asgore, giving him a kiss on the cheek. “Good morning, dear,” she said sweetly before turning to Undyne. “And hello to you Undyne, I hope you slept well.” She took a sip of her tea and sighed at the taste, her smile easing wider as her eyes closed. Without another word she made out of the kitchen, almost strutting as she neared the exit, looking over her shoulder.

“Asgore, dear, could you come back to bed when you’re done? I think you forgot your present in my room.” With a subtle wiggle of her hips she left, leaving Undyne and Asgore dumbfounded for a minute straight.

Steam rose from their mugs as they sat in silence again, until a massive grin grew on the guard’s lips, which was immediately turned towards Asgore. His blank expression cracked into a nervous smile, the king chuckling as the pattern of Toriel’s wallpaper became suddenly very interesting.