The Golf Channel Should Be America’s Propaganda Machine
A recent poll of American television viewers revealed that 48% find cable news coverage dishonest or inaccurate (I’m not citing the poll because I made it up). I contend that the news’s great flaw is that it’s too accurate, you run the risk of finding out what the world is actually like every time you consume news media. No one has any money, the tide of fascism is rising, we’re bombing civilians around the world, and we’re all going to get shot; it’s kind of a bummer. But what if we replaced the entire fourth estate with a network so relentlessly upbeat it made bad news impossible?
The Golf Channel is just the network for the job, a never-ending barrage of beach images and royalty-free acoustic guitar. Let the Golf Channel wash over you for a couple hours and you’ll swear you’re a retired dentist in Port St. Lucie. Aside from the occasional dark and gritty Taylor Made ad, the programming seems aimed at people recovering from triple bypass surgery. That’s the kind of content modern society calls for. Worried about the economy? Let’s chat with Paul Goydos. Opioid crisis got you down? Here’s the hottest blondest girl you’ve ever seen teaching you how to flight a wedge. America has long struggled to reckon with its past, but the Golf Channel presents a nation that doesn’t have to. We can make a pretty convincing argument that postwar America was a positive force for the world through sheer volume of old guys talking about Ben Hogan.
My point isn’t that the Golf Channel will provide the astounding entertainment we crave, on the contrary. With TGC replacing all other television and online networks, we’ll have a steady stream of palatable and inconsequential content that will pacify us and mercifully smoothen our brains like the stones in Rae’s Creek. Our minds won’t form abstract thoughts or ruminate on the problems of the world, we’ll just assume everyone makes 200k a year and the greatest threats to the environment are frost delays. David Feherty won’t just be “funny for a sports commentator,” he’ll be the greatest comedian in the world.
I have had enough of the real news and I have decided to opt out. Have fun trying to keep tabs on a dysfunctional White House, for me it’s time to watch some Champions Tour highlights and contemplate buying an illegal driver with 20 degrees of loft.
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There was a little extra electricity buzzing around the golf world Sunday. All around the Copperhead course at Innisbrook and the sports media and the Twitterverse people were saying one thing...
“Sergio 8 under. Not bad.” Obviously you’ve already tired of hearing everyone’s take on Sergio and his very decent finish, so I’ll focus on the more obscure storyline of Tiger Woods.
Now, superstition and cautiousness forbid me from declaring Tiger to be b*ck. I’m not going to waste precious column inches on his perceived degree of b*ckness, nor will I speculate as to when he will be completely b*ck. All I know is a lot of encouraging stuff happened on Sunday even though Tiger’s final round 70 doesn’t jump off the leaderboard. Tiger’s performance in a few key areas was pretty remarkable in light of his game’s recent past, and he gave us reason to be optimistic going into his next couple of events. He should be able to carry these lessons with him because he finally has a healthy b*ck.
It’s my belief that the difference between a good amateur and a tour pro doesn’t lie in the good shots, it’s in the bad shots. Watch a 2-handicap and a PGA Tour pro play 72 holes and both will have a good amount of highlights, but the pro’s mistakes will be fewer and less severe and he’ll recover from them much better than the amateur would. In his bad shots Tiger showed he’s improved quite a bit in the last 11 weeks or so. On Sunday in Palm Harbor there were no sprayed drives that drifted right like a wayward zeppelin, there wasn’t a poorly struck chip, he never had to get a ruling on whether or not he could get relief from a hot dog truck. There were a few errant shots, but for the most part he hit middling approach shots onto the green just out of birdie range. If your lesser shots are finding the green, you’re doing alright.Â
There was a lot of good-not-great in Tiger’s Sunday performance, a number of hard earned pars kept his round from going south. That’s pretty impressive considering a number of guys fell off the face of the earth. Snedeker, Conners, Rose, it’s like they were all bitten by uh.... uh... something, it’ll come to me. You never want to see golfers get derailed like that, but Tiger’s got to feel good he avoided those snares. It took some gutsy shotmaking by Patrick Reed and Paul Casey rolling like a college kid at Gov Ball to keep Tiger out of the winner’s circle. I’m happy for Paul Casey, he seems like a guy who could host some kind of morning chat show on the BBC with Adele.
“But McDade, what about the implications of this week?” Oh I’m getting to the implications. Next week is Bay Hill and the question of whether or not Tiger can win there is like asking if an 88 year old can renew their driver’s license. He’s done it 8 times, but is he too old to do it again? I think these 4 solid rounds at the Valspar proved that Tiger is good enough to win on tour this year. His swing looks controlled and uninhibited, his putting stroke is reliable, he’s confident over the ball around the greens. His game looks like it’s for real and he’s taking it to Arnie’s course (8 wins) and then to Augusta (4 wins). I don’t even know what to compare that to, who else in sports has that much reason to be confident for the next month? That’s like if the Golden State Warriors had 8 upcoming home games against the Bucks (not the Milwaukee Bucks, just 5 guys from Wisconsin named Buck). Not saying it’s going to be easy, but Tiger’s confidence should rival that of John Daly ordering at Hooter’s.
Time for us all to take a deep breath, knock on salt, throw wood over our shoulders, and pray for Tiger to stay healthy. Maybe pray for John Daly too, can’t hurt.
You know those “horse’s ass” trophies they sometimes give out at company golf outings to a guy who’s dressed badly, or a fat guy who fell in a pond? I genuinely think those trophies are better than the one they give out for the Valspar Championship. When a golfer puts the Valspar abomination in their trophy room, they should turn the other golf trophies so the little guy on top isn’t looking at it. Nevertheless, Florida’s gulf coast was treated to some lights-out golf Saturday as the game’s best competed for one of the worst trophies in sports.
Scoring conditions were the easiest they’ve been so far this week; it was one of those days where the course doesn’t give you fits, but you know your opponents are going to make a lot of birdies. With a large group of guys only a few shots off the lead, the leaders had to be feeling the pressure to shoot a low number.
One guy who held up pretty well under that pressure was Corey Conners, the 26 year old Canadian who swings like one of the beginner characters in a video game. For about 100 years golf instructors have advised us to keep the left arm straight, and Corey said “beg pardon, but I doon’t think I’ll be doing that, terribly soarry.” Hey, it’s worked well enough to get him into tomorrow’s final pairing with Justin Rose.
That final pairing is one that just barely excluded Tiger Woods. A couple of makable birdie putts on Tiger’s second nine burned the edge, either would have gotten him that coveted Sunday tee time with Conners. Regardless, Tiger looked strong; he hit fairways, shaped his shots well, and avoided 3-putts, even on 18 green with the Dallas Cowboys’ Jumbotron positioned 6 inches to its left.
A lot of other guys showed up in a big way. Patrick Reed shot a 67 with some precise, plus-sized putting. Kelly Kraft recovered nicely from a triple to salvage a good round, even though he’s a guy named Kelly. Rory Sabbatini still plays golf. They’ll all be threats tomorrow.
Now Conners has to sleep on a 54 hole lead in a tournament he got into as an alternate. This isn’t David and Goliath, it’s David and the 23 Goliaths within 6 shots of his lead. At the risk of ranking Goliaths, I’d say Tiger is the biggest Goliath of all those Goliaths, and I would not want to stand between him and a first place finish. It might be a god-awful trophy, but there’s no doubt Tiger wants it. I wouldn’t be surprised if it winds up in Tiger’s third or fourth trophy room, maybe with a lampshade on it.
I find myself in a unique predicament. I’m a comedian and comedy writer so most of the people who follow me on social media expect me to deliver dumb jokes, make fun of things, and generally it like it ain’t. All that’s great, but right now all I want to do is watch golf and write about it. The issue here is obvious, a handful of people are somewhat interested in my golf takes, but the overwhelming majority of people EXTREMELY aren’t. That’s why I’m leveraging this long-forgotten Tumblr account to air out all the golf blogs that live within me. If posts about Tiger’s comeback, recaps of notable events, and roasts of golf personages are irrelevant to your interests, I’d advise you not to click this tastefully positioned “keep reading” button.
If you’re reading this, you clicked “keep reading” and you have my appreciation. It’s just us golf heads in here now, no normies can judge us for our love of a good walk spoiled. So, what can you expect to read here? Well, so far the 2018 PGA Tour season has been pretty incredible. Of course we have Tiger coming back from the depths like Gandalf the White, which seems to be the A plot of this year’s Tour, and for good reason. Like many dudes who grew up in the 90′s and aughts, Tiger is my favorite athlete of all time, but I promise not to fixate solely on the big cat. The Tour in general has an incredible amount of talent right now and we’re seeing them duke it out in playoffs almost every week. Whether Tiger shocks the world again or not, the FedEx Cup race promises to be a good one and the majors should bring out some unbelievable golf. I’ll cover the characters and storylines of the pro circuit, but I’ll make it a point to take bird walks and muse on the game itself. Wherever an elite pro holes out to force a playoff, wherever an errant tee shot hits a stock broker in the forehead, wherever a drunk patron falls asleep in a bunker, I’ll be there.
If you like something I write A) you have impeccable taste, and B) please share it on social media or hotmail it to you uncle, either would really help. Follow me on Twitter @jp_mcdade. I don’t know if this blog will change the world, but then again Tom Kite probably didn't expect to revolutionize the world of fitness.
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I asked my Facebook friends to give me 8 random celebrities to roast in less than 24 hours. Without further ado, here’s the AMB roast of Yaphet Kotto, Billy “White Shoes” Johnson, Joe Camel, Benjamin Netanyahu, Eugene Levy, Ernest Borgnine, Bronson Pinchot, and Petter Weller.
Yaphet Kotto is here, Yaphet turned down the role of Lando Calrissian in Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back. Eugene, “turning down a role” is when someone asks you to do a project and you say no. Unfortunately because Eugene Levy is here, this roast is going straight to Blu Ray.
We have Ernest Borgnine on the dais tonight just to warn Eugene that you can die overdosing on eyebrows.
The old Dean Martin roasts featured comedians who killed on Johnny Carson, but tonight we have the guy who actually killed Johnny Carson, Joe Camel. And here I thought the only spokesperson of an organization that kills thousands of people on this dais would be Benjamin Netanyahu.
Billy “White Shoes” Johnson is on the dais. Billy went from an overlooked D3 football player to a 3-time All Pro. You’re living proof that you don’t need to be big to succeed in football, you just need to be the kick returner on teams that give up a lot of touchdowns.
Peter Weller and Bronson Pinchot are here because they heard there would be free food. Bronson you’re a lot like cocaine; you’re white, you were on the set of some classic 80’s movies, and now you just look like you’ve been stepped on. Peter played Robocop, which is a sci-fi classic, but it wouldn’t work today. No one would buy a plot about a cop who does the right thing. How does it feel to have your biggest role be one that could be played by any guy without a cleft palate?
J.P. McDade performs as Anthony Jeselnik at the 8th annual Schtick or Treat hosted by Mark Normand and Matt Ruby at the Knitting Factory in Brooklyn, NY. Oct...
From Halloween this year. I impersonate Anthony Jeselnik and make fun of people.
If I were a billionaire I'd have an aquarium the size of a football field full of dark, murky salt water and adopt a 20-foot great white shark. I'd pay an ambitious Ivy League intern to feed the shark every day for a whole summer. On the intern's last day I'd sit them down in my office and present them with a contract, wherein I promise to pay for their college, grad school, and 5 years of living expenses if they agree to ride around the tank for 15 minutes on a jet ski towing a seal decoy. Little do they know I've had the shark returned to the ocean the night before. I'd watch from behind a mirror, laughing with my billionaire friends, who I'd convince to jump in the tank with me as the big reveal. We'd all laugh and the intern would sigh in relief. But what's this? A huge animatronic shark bursts through the surface while we're all in the water! It's a double prank! I would make good on my promise to the intern and my billionaire friends would tell stories about me for ages. I'm a pretty cool guy.
Several workers reportedly lost fingers and even legs working for KFC’s chicken supplier. That’s just what happens when you get Diabetes.
The Knicks' Robin Lopez spent $50,000 on the jacket Dick Van Dyke wore in Mary Poppins. He is expected to miss 6 to 8 weeks stuck in a chimney
Whole Foods will stop selling food made with prison labor, so hurry and get that $50 bottle of toilet wine while you still can.
San Jose Sharks winger Raffi Torres earned a 41 game suspension for an illegal hit, his fifth. While it seems Torres should be banned from the NHL, keep in mind he’s only 1 dirty hit away from a free dinner at Tie Domi’s steakhouse.
Michael Bennett of the Seattle Seahawks says he doesn’t like Lions Quarterback Matthew Stafford because he’s from Dallas and is somehow responsible for the JFK assassination. Clearly that’s impossible, Matthew Stafford is completely incapable of hitting a target.
The Princess of Kent says animals have no rights because they don’t pay taxes. This statement was issued after her fox hunting dogs tried to unionize.
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Here are some sports jokes I thought of today. To see some of my jokes read aloud by funny comedians, check out the web series Sports Balls!
University of Minnesota Athletic Director Norwood Teague resigned after allegedly sending drunk texts to his staff. We can’t show you the pictures he sent, but several captions refer to his “Gopher hole.”
University of Minnesota Athletic Director Norwood Teague resigned after complaints that he sent drunk texts to his staff. “Thank God I never learned how to text,” said Joe Namath.
Formula 1 driver Jenson Button was knocked unconscious when burglars pumped anesthetic gas into his vacation home in the south of France. Authorities have no leads other than the burglar’s calling card, the head of Cecil the Lion.
Here are some topical sports jokes I thought of today. To see some of my jokes said aloud by funny comedians, check out the web series Sports Balls!
A Canadian football team scored a touchdown on an onside punt. The Canadian Football League allows onside punts as long as the punter remains on his horse.
HitchBOT, the hitchhiking robot, was destroyed in Philadelphia by an Eagles fan. The man was identified as an Eagles fan by A) his unprovoked attack on something defenseless and B) his Eagles jersey.Â
A judge in St. Louis ruled that the Rams could use 400 million dollars of public funds to build their new stadium without a vote. Rams ownership assured St. Louis taxpayers this is a small price to pay for 3 home wins a year.
Fans of a Bulgarian soccer team charged the field after a hard foul and chased the other team out of the stadium. Fans were reprimanded by the club who reminded them there were flares under their seats.
A disguised Cristiano Ronaldo juggled a soccer ball in a crowded plaza in Madrid. Passers by realized it was him when he bumped into a small child and collapsed to the ground in agony.
James Harden is expected to sign a 9-figure endorsement deal with Adidas. Harden structured the deal to pay him 1 dollar for every free throw attempt.
Here are some topical sports jokes I thought of today. To see some of my jokes said aloud by funny comedians, check out the web series Sports Balls!
Tiger Woods’ swing was interrupted Sunday when a baby in the gallery made a noise. Woods smiled and didn’t seem to mind even though the baby had some pretty mean things to say about his putting.
The championship game of The Basketball Tournament will take place today in New York. The tournament has featured several former NCAA standouts. The winning team receives one million dollars, which is almost how much money they players didn’t get from their college jersey sales.
On Saturday Beijing was named the host city for the 2022 Winter Olympics. Not scheduled for 2022, winter.
Beijing will host the 2022 Winter Olympics, the American team has begun raising funds to pay the entry fee of 1.26 trillion dollars.
At UFC 190 Ronda Rousey defeated her opponent Bethe Correia in 34 seconds. Correia described the fight as “the worst 45 minutes of my life.”
After today’s Community Shield match, Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho threw his team’s Second Place medal into the crowd. It was caught by that foul ball guy.
There is a growing concern in Philadeplphia Eagles camp that head coach Chip Kelly is uncomfortable around black players. Philadelphia is expected to unveil Kelly’s statue sometime this Fall.
Here are some topical sports jokes I thought of today. To see some of my jokes said aloud by funny comedians, check out the web series Sports Balls!
New York Jets defensive end Sheldon Richardson refused to pull over when he was caught racing his Bentley at 143 miles per hour. Richardson is expected to be cut despite the fact that this incident was the first time a Jet was winning something in five years.
Here are some topical sports jokes I thought of today. To see some of my jokes said aloud by funny comedians, check out the web series Sports Balls!
According to an NFL report, Tom Brady destroyed his phone in order to hide evidence from the Wells investigation. Brady allegedly destroyed his phone by gently tossing it to Wes Welker.
Patriots owner Bob Kraft expressed his outrage at the NFL’s decision to uphold Tom Brady’s suspension. He claimed “the laws of science” were on Brady’s side. Kraft then assured a panicked Rob Gronkowski that he wouldn’t have to do any science.Â
New York Met fans and their shortstop Wilmer Flores shed tears during Wednesday’s game upon hearing a false rumor that Flores had been traded. The Mets’ hypothetical decision to trade a player mid-game surprised exactly 0 Met fans.
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Here are the in-depth, completely accurate profiles of the comedians set to perform this Thursday (8pm) at SUCKERPUNCH: a comedy show, at Lucky Jack’s on New York’s lower east side (129 Orchard Street). It’s free.
Sheng Wang: A top-knotch joke writer you’ve seen on Fallon, Comedy Central, and Totally Biased. Once fist fought Alex Trebek over French pronunciation. ( shengwangtime​ )
Kyle Ayers: A clever and charismatic young comic and creator of First Comes Love. Has a vestigial tail and just won’t shut up about it. (@kyleayers)
Shalewa Sharpe: A killer comic with charisma for days. Most people think the sequel was better, Shalewa Sharpe 2: Even Sharper. (@silkyjumbo)
Ryan Beck: A rising young talent and producer of The Front Room at Brooklyn’s The Knitting Factory. Hasn’t seen his kids in 17 years. (@iamryanbeck)
Sam Evans: A witty and endearing “New Face” at the Montreal Just For Laughs Comedy Festival. Didn’t think the BP oil spill was a big deal. (@ReallySamEvans)
Hosted by draft dodger J.P. McDade and DJ’d by an ornery old coot, Dave Bergmann.
Here are the in-depth, completely accurate profiles of the comedians set to perform this Thursday (8pm) at SUCKERPUNCH: a comedy show, at Lucky Jack’s on New York’s lower east side (129 Orchard Street). It’s free.
Anthony Devito: Winner of Caroline’s Comedy Madness 2015. Has been alive since the 1600′s, all of his friends are dead. @AnthonyDevito_
Sarah Lazarus: A clever and remarkably funny emerging talent in the New York comedy scene. Single handedly caused the 2008 financial crisis. @sarahclazarus
Ray Kump: A funny and unpredictable force to be reckoned with, producer of False Flag at The Creek & The Cave. Lives in his car, a hearse. @RayKump
Langston Kerman: A witty, hilarious performer and Standup NBC finalist. Once threw a live bass into a day care center. @LangstonKerman
Justin Flanagan: A natural and original comedic presence. Doesn’t wear shoes, insists they’re haunted. @kingswaggatoes
Missy Baker: An exceptionally talented joke writer and endearing performer. Banned from every zoo in the country. @TheMissyBaker
The show will be hosted by black market grease dealer Dave Bergmann (@badnewsbergs) and DJ’d by the illiterate-by-choice J.P. McDade (@jp_mcdade).
