When: April 23rd, Early morning

Where: Order Safe house

Who: Alice and any Order Member

Alice was numb. It was funny because she’d not felt like this before, but she had memories of feeling like this. Of feeling closed off, and numb. She hadn’t liked the memories. She supposed she should be grateful that she could process her feelings right now. Because in her memories she certainly couldn’t. Or well, she’d been told by someone who had survived about how she and Frank had been. Anyone that had seen Alice in those days would certainly look at Alice right now, and recall a similar Alice having been admitted to the wards of St Mungo’s. Only this Alice wasn’t kicking and screaming. This Alice knew what was going on around her, but had simply chosen to shut off.

It wasn’t as if she hadn’t been hit by the torture curse before. Of course she had. She was an auror after all. It wasn’t the curse. It was the person. Alice hadn’t known what to expect the first time she’d ran into Bellatrix Lestrange. And it might have been different if she’d not seen her in her death eater garb throwing curses at her. But, that had been enough to make Alice shut down completely.

And she hadn’t yet returned. Her hands might have been wrapped around the coffee, but she wasn’t acknowleding anything that was being said around her, or to her. It was as if she was there, but not really. Her mind was somewhere else, and she didn’t quite know how to get back.

Remus stood in the kitchen, his back against the door frame, watching Alice Longbottom enjoy her cup of coffee. Enjoy was rather subjective. She was, in fact, using it mostly as a handwarmer, as her eyes were clearly looking at something any other mortal in the room couldn’t see. She wasn’t here. Not really. 

He’d seen a similar distant look in her eyes a long time ago, in his other life, when Alice was more of a memory than a person. Back when he’d been reminded of her existence through her son, and felt that gross guilt he always felt about people who he’d forgotten about. He’d visited her and Frank then, although he was sure she didn’t know it. He’d felt obliged to tell them about their son’s performance in school. How pointless that had been. Looking back, Remus realized it was probably more out of a cruel interest to see what they were like, locked in St. Mungo’s all those years. 

After a few minutes of watching her, he moved to sit across the table. “Hey, Alice.” He swallowed hard. “Would you like me to warm up that coffee for you? It might be getting a little cold now...”

Sirius had been avoiding Remus ever since the night at the Ministry. He wasn’t exactly proud of that fact but he just couldn’t bring himself to face his friend since things had spiralled out of control and they had both said things that they shouldn’t have. But it was mostly the guilt of confronting Remus the way he did that kept Sirius away. He should never have brought it up under the influence of alcohol. And he certainly shouldn’t have done it while there was someone else there. And he knew he had to apologise. But it felt…difficult.

Every time he and Remus spoke he became more and more aware of the fact that once again Remus had gone one with his life without Sirius there. And while he could never fault his friend for that he felt as though he didn’t know him anymore. And that hurt more than he was willing to admit. Sure, the memories they made together were still there. And the bond created through growing up together would never go away. But the man Remus had grown into…the husband that had had a child and gone through heartbreak Sirius would never know…he didn’t know who that was. He barely even knew how to speak to him. And so he hid instead like a coward and killed his free time by downing pints at the bar.

It was really quite pathetic.

Looking up as someone sat with him he opened his mouth to tell them he wasn’t in the mood for company until he saw it was Remus and shut it again.  He almost laughed when he said it had been a while. Because as far as gaps between seeing each other goes a couple of weeks was nothing now. But it was Remus apologising that stopped him and he shook his head instead.

“No, you had every right to. You could have done a lot worse actually and I probably would have deserved it.” He said with a laugh, trying to joke it off like he usually would in an attempt to hide just how deep Remus had cut him. Especially being called out for being jealous. That was wound he would be feeling sorry for himself over for a while. “I’m sorry for how I acted. And for what I brought up. I could try to blame the alcohol but that feels like a shitty excuse so I’m not gonna do that. I was just being an ass and I’m sorry.”

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Remus listened to Sirius, but his eyes burned holes into the top of the bar. He missed the old days, when looking at him didn’t send a shock into his heart. “It was going to come up eventually. It wasn’t just my story to tell, nor was it just my secret to hold.” He grabbed the attention of the bartender and ordered himself a drink. 

“We’re going to be around each other for a long time, Sirius. Hopefully longer than last time around.” He took the rocks glass from the other side of the bar and brought it close to him. The house whiskey burned terribly going down. He couldn’t help but think he had to be plastered to enjoy the taste of it. “I’d like for us to be comfortable again. I would love nothing more than to be your friend — than to be someone you feel like you can confide in.” His eyes finally met Sirius’. “Don’t you want to be friends again?” He turned away. “I don’t just mean in title. I mean in every sense of the word.” 

Remus brought the glass to his lips, his hand shaking just enough for ripples to be sent through the liquor. “I can't do this without you.”

Her mind had been a scattered mess ever since the ball; Narcissa’s rescue and the followed attack weighing like a heavy anvil chained at her feet. Not to mention the disaster that’d come out of working interference. The night had started out so well, too ––– full of hope and hell, even a bit of lighthearted happiness for the holiday. She should have known it wouldn’t last. The argument that flared between her, Remus, and Sirius was something she’d never expected the three of them to go through; not after all they’d been through together. But maybe that was precisely why it’d happened? Putting three, incredibly fucked up people, bursting with unresolved trauma together was a recipe for a disaster. She didn’t blame Remus for getting upset, either. She didn’t blame him one bit. They’d gone too far. They’d pushed too much. 

So, it was her immense surprise to come face-to-face with the very man in question just outside her doorstep; flowers and an apology in hand. Rowena, it was such a Remus thing to do that it made her chest ache with a fondness that was near unreal. 

Without waiting a single moment otherwise, Emmeline merely surged forward and wrapped her arms around her friend and hugged him tight. “I should be the one apologizing, not you, dummy,” she breathed softly. “Things went way too far in that bloody stupid game. I shouldn’t have pressed you like that, especially when I could see you were uncomfortable. It was childish and just utter shit of me, and I’m so, so sorry.” Leaning back a bit, she offered him a watery smile as she carefully took the roses from him with a choppy giggle. “French, huh? Can’t say I know much about flowers either, but they’re beautiful. Here ––– come in, I can make us tea. You also have full permission to raid through my sweets stash as my formal apology. It’s not as pretty or thoughtful as your flowers, but hopefully it’ll do.” 

⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆

Remus pushed his lips to the corner of his mouth. He listened to Emmeline as she spoke; each word punching him in the gut with more guilt. Most of the men Remus knew partnered strength with hostility; they let war and battle harden their skin into armor. Emmeline was still kind. After all this time, she still hugged him and offered him tea and sweets. Remus was jealous of those who found it natural to be nurturing. His kindness always felt forced — like he was repeating a stage direction given to him by accident. 

“I’m fine. Dentist says I should lay off the sweets for now,” he joked, not having been to a dentist in quite a long time. Maybe since he was a boy and his mother could still manage to force him to go. He didn’t hear much about them in the Wizarding World, now that he thought about it. “How have you been?” It felt like a loaded question. Could people still answer truthfully that everything was okay? Remus certainly didn’t feel like he could. 

Mary really didn’t know how she’d ended up here. But she had. the cemetery in Hogsmeade. She hadn’t been here before. After the second wizarding war she hadn’t been able to face it. The guilt had eaten her up. She hadn’t thought. She hadn’t wanted too. And people died. She knew that even if she had been there, people would have died anyway. But it still made her feel guilty. She supposed that was why she had ended up here. It was different now though. The people she mourned were still alive. They didn’t get it. They didn’t get what it was like to lose everyone they loved.

As she walked, she noticed someone that did understand. The one person she hadn’t lost. Not until later anyway. “I know….” She murmured, biting her lip as she looked at her friend. “And they don’t understand…” She continued a few moments later. “They don’t underestand what it’s like to live once everyone you love is gone.” Or changed forever. Like the pair had them had been after the first wizarding war.

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Remus furrowed his brow and looked down at the ground. He nodded. No one understood, there was absolutely no one who understood the intricacies of his mind — no one to sit with him and go through every detail of a past life that didn’t matter anymore. He’d thought he’d felt loneliness back when Peter and James died — he thought he’d mastered it when Sirius fell through the veil. But the loneliness he felt now was at a new depth he’d never experienced. It was like he was floating through space, and every planet he passed refused to pull him into their orbit. “I’m... kind of fucking exhausted, to be honest,” he whispered. “Every time we get more news it’s like a punch in the gut. I can’t do this over and over again.”

As he pulled away, Doe could feel herself leaning into him, could feel herself falling forward, finally unafraid to to touch him. It had always been that line, hadn’t it? She’d wanted to be respectful, both of his space and out of fear of her own feelings. Still, sitting here with him, Doe knew that she would very much like to hold his hand until the end this time.

His next words caused her stomach to sink; not quite with fear, but with an anxiety that she was not enough. That she, as she was, would never be enough for what he’d wanted. Doe had wondered what he’d done after she died, and she hoped he’d lived a life. A good one. Full of happy memories and maybe a room full of books. A wife had never been in the picture, but it made sense to her, even if it made her heart ache for a life she never got to have. As he spoke, Doe let her fingers freeze on the back of his neck, taking in the words that he was admitting. It was big, Doe knew, and while she might have been angry, she found she wasn’t. No, she was so sad for him.

A tear fell down her cheek and she pulled away for a second to wipe it away. But then, she grabbed both of his hands and kissed them gently. When Doe was certain he’d finished, she met his eyes and tried not to break off into a sob as she said, “I can’t imagine what you’re going through, Remy. That must be… That must be awful.” She closed her eyes ever so slightly and leaned her chin on his hands, looking up at him. A part of her wondered why he wouldn’t just go to her, but she didn’t question him. Maybe he had gone, and she didn’t remember that past they’d shared. But it didn’t matter, in the end. After all, he was here now, wasn’t he? “It might be bloody mad of me to even ask but, do you want to tell me about her?” Her eyes searched his and she shrugged ever so slightly. “If it would help. You don’t have to… I’m so glad you were able to find her. That you had fucking had someone. That’s what matters to me, yea?”

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Remus looked down at Dorcas and his heart overflowed with the love he had. Without someone to sleep beside — to share a life with — it felt like he had no one to give it to. 

Dorcas was the first person to ask what his wife was like, probably because she was the first person who didn’t know. He broke their eye contact as he searched for a story in the couch cushion. Finally, he landed on an adjective to describe Tonks. “She was stubborn.” He smiled, and then looked back at Dorcas. That was the proper word to describe Nymphadora. “It took her months for get me to agree to go out with her. And I wasn’t as handsome then as I am now,” he joked, “But she still saw something in me. She could see something in anyone. And she never took no for an answer.” He nibbled a bit on his lower lip. “The night we died, I told her to stay home with the baby. Apparently she followed me. I didn’t even see her. But she was a lot like you. She’d rather die than stay home and sit on the sidelines.” He met Dorcas’ eyes again and rubbed his thumbs against the sides of her face.

“She was much younger than us. Now she’s… well, I don’t think she remembers anything, and I would feel grossly uncomfortable if she did. But until I met her, I spent my entire life alone because I didn’t think there was another option.” He was ashamed to think about how he’d treated Dorcas, back before, when leaving seemed like the best alternative to telling her how he felt. “I guess if I learned anything from it, it’s that I can’t keep that part of myself hidden anymore. If I’m going to live through this again, I can’t deny myself of loving people before it’s too late.” 

who: remus + @xofmary​

It was unusual for Remus to be able to visit the place he was buried when he died. But he didn’t know where else to place the emotions he had in his heart. He and Tonks had been buried here, along with others who died during the Battle, just yards away from the shack he’d spent so many miserable moons in. Instead of headstones, for now, there was just grass. He kneeled down and placed two pebbles on the ground. If there were any spirits here, at least there was evidence he’d said hello. 

He hadn’t noticed someone else had entered the cemetery before they were behind him. He turned around, startled, before taking a breath of relief. It was Mary. “I didn’t know where else to go. Everyone I want to mourn is still alive.”

sirixsblxc​:

As soon as Sirius heard that James’ parents were once again sick he selfishly wished he could just hide away and not have to deal with this again. Seeing James going through that the first time around had been difficult. And it was just downright cruel that he had to do it again. Plus, the Potters had been so good to Sirius that he didn’t think it was fair for them to end this way. They deserved longer lives. One where they got to meet Harry and James got his family for longer. But life really wasn’t fair.

And he couldn’t hide away and not be there for his friend. So he had dropped by for coffee before making his way to St Mungo’s and went straight to their room, trying his best to keep his dread at bay. He had never been good at this sorta thing. But he figured that being there for James, even if he felt uncomfortable and didn’t know what to say, was better than nothing.

“Hey, I figured you would need some coffee.” Sirius said as he walked into the room and stopped short when he saw James wasn’t alone. Looking down at the two coffees in his hands he felt a little awkward. He hadn’t even thought to reach out to Remus and see if he was coming to visit. Which felt stupid now that the thought about it. “Sorry, I didn’t think to get you one.” He mumbled and made himself keep his eyes on his two friends instead of letting his gaze turn to the beds. Which was more difficult than he expected but he forced himself to focus on James and looked him over. “How long have you been here for?” 

( @jcmesfpotter​ )

…

James gave Remus a tired smile as he walked in. “Hey.” He chuckled a bit at the flowers, accepting them easily. “Thanks, Moony. Ma’ll love them.“ He’d need to apparate home and get a vase for them so they’d last, but that was a quick trip. He sighed a bit at the question and rubbed his neck, not sure how to answer. He knew how it would affect Remus, and it was hard to admit it out loud. 

Fortunately, that was when Sirius walked in as well. He snorted a bit at the assumption of coffee. “You figured right. Been living off it.” He accepted the fresh coffee. With a moment of consideration, he drained his old cup and then walked over to the sink to wash it out and put Remus’ bouquet in. “Just until I get a chance to pop home and get a proper vase for them, you know?” He quickly assured Remus. He came back to lean against the wall near the door. 

Sirius’ question wasn’t much easier to answer than Remus’. He had to glance at his watch, at the date there. “Going on three days now. I’m the one that made them go in and get checked this time. They were admitted immediately.” He ran his fingers through his hair, which was lank and starting to get slightly greasy. “They’re…it’s about the same as last time. I think I caught it maybe half a week earlier, but it’s not…it’s not making much of a difference.” He took a drink to keep his throat getting too tight.

@mccnylupln​

Remus turned to Sirius as he entered, his presence suddenly overwhelming. He hadn’t expected Sirius to be here — hadn’t even thought of anyone except James since receiving the news. Remus swallowed and clenched his jaw, trying desperately to ignore the new anxiety that sprouted up. “Oh. That’s fine.” He brushed the coffee off; he didn’t need his stomach to be messed up now anyway. That’s all coffee would do to him.

He nodded as James placed the flowers into the cup. Remus didn’t care much what James did with them, really. He was only trying to be a better friend this time around. “Three days. Wow.” He licked his lips, holding out the pause so he could think of what else to say. They were all skirting around what was really going on. They were all thinking of ways they could avoid asking the big question: Is this only the beginning? Are we going to lose everyone again? Just like last time?

It was heartbreaking to know that some fates simply couldn’t be avoided. That no matter what James did, his parents would somehow always end up here. There was no lifetime where they met Harry. “You’re doing the best you can, Prongs.”

You don’t have to explain. I’m not going anywhere. The words bounced around in her skull, taking up space, filling up those parts of her that felt cracked open. The pain was still there, of course, and would still be there for weeks, if not her whole life. She had heard this sort of ache never got better, only easier, and in this very moment she couldn’t help but but so bloody thankful to have someone who helped make it easier. Doe let her eyes close for a moment, taking in those words, and was about to tell him how much they meant to her when he asked his next question.

How long had she waited to hear that? How many moments just like these had she hoped that Remus would make the first move? Doe was never shy, until it came to romance, and truthfully for the longest time she never understood what Remus’s smile, or laugh, or a brush of his skin meant. From the first time he’d made her laugh, to the promise of a dance earlier this evening. How long had it taken them to get to this moment, but even now, as he asked it, she couldn’t help but move closer, pulling him to her as she whispered back, “I think we’ve waited long enough.”

And then the distance was closed and her lips were on his and for a blissful wonderful moment Doe didn’t remember what had happened that night. She hadn’t meant this, when she’d asked him to stay, but she didn’t mind the feeling that washed over her and made her forget anything else that wasn’t Remus. Doe had pictured their first kiss so many times, and while she’d never quite pictured this, it made sense it would be this way. A little messy; a little all over the place and spontaneous, but still perfect. Bloody, perfect because it was Remus. It had always been Remus.

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He'd seen this moment play out hundreds of times in his dreams. A fantasy that would have broken the laws of magic if it came true. Yet somehow he was back with Doe, on her couch, doing exactly what he'd longed to do for the 15 years since her passing. It was beautiful, but part of Remus hated how unfair it felt. Dorcas deserved his entire heart and he was unable to give that to her. She was supposed to grow old with a Remus who was untainted, unscathed, unmarried... not the man that he felt he was now. His fingers tangled themselves in her hair before he ended the kiss and took a quick breath to replenish his lungs. His nose continued to brush against hers'. He wanted to stay here forever, but he knew he couldn't move forward without continuing to introduce her the Remus he'd grown to be.

He cleared his throat and looked down. His hand remained on the side of her cheek. "I do have something to tell you..." It wasn't fair to anyone, really. To Remus, Dorcas, or Nymphadora — if the Nymphadora he'd married still existed anywhere. He saw her in his dreams, but those were getting far and few between.

He swallowed hard. "I was married for about a year until I..." He looked back at her, afraid of the reaction he'd see. "We had a son. But I wasn't around much longer after that. And neither was she." Remus didn't realize how much the wound still ached — how much he still had to process and grieve — but as he spoke, the hole in his heart opened and seemed to swallow him whole. "When I was with her, I always felt so guilty for thinking about you instead. I don't think I ever got over losing you." He felt tears prick at his eyes. "But now I'm here and she's just... gone. It feels like I got everything I wanted at the cost of everything I had."

where: the leaky tavern

Back at Hogwarts, it seemed like Sirius was Remus’ best chance at a normal life. He was the one who could pull him out from his comfort zone — the one who encouraged Remus to grow his social skills and expand his life outside the dormitory walls. It was embarrassing to admit now, but there was a time in his life when Remus did not believe he could live without Sirius Black. Of course, he learned very quickly that wasn’t the case. Life went on with or without Sirius Black, and it was possible for Remus to grow without him, too. 

Maybe that was why, after the ball, Remus decided he could live without him again. Their relationship was... unstable. It felt like they were walking on eggshells whenever they spoke to one another — like one thing was bound to set off something. And maybe that was because Remus felt unstable himself. He could barely think about his previous life, let alone speak of it. Of course it came off like he was hiding secrets from Sirius. He was hiding them from his own mind. 

He found Sirius, as usual, at The Leaky Tavern. He cleared his throat before sitting beside him. “...So. It’s been a while.”  He ordered a coffee for himself and then looked around the room, before his eyes finally landed on his friend. As usual, he felt small in comparison. Always a nobody next to Sirius. “I guess I should apologize for blowing up on you.”

where: emmeline’s flat

Remus had a tendency to avoid the difficult things in life. When he argued with friends, he opted to disappear instead of face the consequences. So, after his awkward conversation with Sirius and Emmeline at the Valentine’s Day Ball, he’d fallen a bit off the face of the Earth. Now, he was at Emmeline’s flat, just blocks away from where they’d been that night, ready to apologize. 

“I’m sorry for how things ended on at the ball.” He paused. “I meant, how I behaved — not the explosion, which, was obviously terrible... but not my fault.” He shook his head, hoping the movement would shake his thoughts free. When he thought back to Valentine’s Day, he felt a bit of shame bubble up in his stomach. He’d been immature. That was usually how he was once he had a bit of alcohol in his system — impatient, snappy. There was a reason he’d cut it out before the baby came. 

“Um. Oh, right.” He gestured to the flowers in his hand: a bouquet of bright red and pink roses. They looked out of place on him, the bright colors clashing with his orange slacks. “These are for you...” He slowly passed them to her and gave her a grin. “The lady at the market picked them out. She said something about them being French. Not sure if that makes them better or worse.”

While Doe wished she could keep her mind out of the past, it kept flittering back there, like a gnat attracted to a flame. She knew that she shouldn’t keep thinking; shouldn’t hold onto the feelings they’d both had. Hell, she hadn’t even asked him what had happened as he grew. Did he have someone? Doe hoped he did, truthfully; hoped that he hadn’t held on the way Mary had. It made her stomach hurt, knowing that her death had caused so much loss for those around her, especially because she couldn’t do anything about it. The world kept spinning, even if they weren’t ready for it to make another rotation. 

As if it were bubbling up in her, Doe let out an incredulous laugh at his words and she met his eyes, pulling him in closer, gently resting her forehead on his. Tentative fingers found the back of his neck, gently playing with the hair at the nape of his neck. “Well in that case,” she said, softly, the insanity of this moment hitting her  as she carefully held his head in her hands. The tears were slowing now, somehow calmed by him, but that was always the effect he’d had on her. Remus was her rock, even throughout school. She was always the support for so many, that it was nice knowing she had him to support her. “I’m Dorcas. It’s great to meet you.”

It was cheesy, but she couldn’t help it and she laughed through the ache in her throat. Whatever this meant, this moment, Doe didn’t have the mind to think of. For now, right now, she just wanted to be here with him, and she hoped that was enough. Godric, it was enough for her. He was enough for her. “Would you stay with me? Tonight?” the question was so soft, but she knew she’d asked it by the way her breath hitched at the end. It meant nothing and everything all at once, and she was afraid of his response, but she also knew that her loneliness would eat at her if he weren’t there, keeping her feet on the ground; head on a pillow. “I don’t think I could… I don’t think I can be alone tonight.”

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Remus pressed his forehead to hers. Her skin was warm and soft. He could see every detail of her face like this, one at a time: the tears falling off the tips of her eyelashes, her nose, her lips. It felt as though time only existed within the circle that Dorcas’ arms created around them. There was no past or future. Just the moment that they were sharing now. Her laugh brought about a smile on his face. It was so beautiful to hear it again. 

“Hi Dorcas. My name’s Remus Lupin. It’s a real pleasure.” His eyelids fluttered shut. Would he stay with her tonight? There wasn’t anywhere else he planned on going. If they could live the rest of their lives here, foreheads touching and breath mingling, he would do it. But he knew there was more weight to the question than that. The truth was, in her condition, he didn’t want to let her out of his sight. Tonight, he would do anything within his power to keep her dark thoughts at bay. Tonight, he would not be leaving her side. “You don’t have to explain, Doe. I’m not going anywhere.”

A sudden itch at his hip reminded Remus’ that they were both still in their clothes from the ball. It seemed like that was ages ago now. Hadn’t he promised Dorcas a dance at the beginning of the night? How foolish they both had been to believe that would happen. By now, they should both know better — that nothing goes as planned. He looked to her again, his eyes opening back on her lips. A fuse lit in the bottom of his stomach, firing the words that were about to fall from his mouth. “Is it inappropriate to kiss you so soon after meeting?”

who: @mccnylupln​ and @sirixsblxc​​ where: st. mungo’s when: march 18th

James sat in the armchair in his parents room, his head tilted back and his hands wrapped around a paper cup of lukewarm coffee. It had been three days since he’d visited his parents for breakfast (a ritual he’d gotten into since the beginning of the year) and noticed his father coughing. He’d cajoled them until they went to the doctor that afternoon, and they’d been in hospital ever since. They including James, in this case. He hadn’t left their side, had barely taken breaks to grab snacks and coffee from the waiting room whenever they were taking naps.

They both were asleep right now, and James was just barely hanging onto consciousness himself. A knock on the door had him sitting up, rubbing his eyes tiredly. “Come in.”

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Remus knew this day was coming. He hadn’t been around much the first time around; frequently listing off bullshit reasons he couldn’t go to the hospital instead of comforting his friend in a time of need. It was a regret of his — he felt an ugly sort of ache in his stomach whenever he thought of Mr. and Mrs. Potter’s passing. He never knew how to act when people died, but that wasn’t a good excuse for not being there when James needed him. 

So when he got word that James’ parents were sick, he acted immediately. He put on the nicest of his slacks and even grabbed a flower bouquet from the market on his way over.  The hospital still gave him the chills, but he powered through it and made his way to their room. Through the tiny window on the door, Remus could see the Potter family. His heart just about broke. He thought of his own parents, alive for now, and how he still hadn’t visited them. He shook away those thoughts and knocked quietly. When he saw James move a bit, he opened the door and walked inside. 

“Mate, I...” He paused. He hadn’t thought of what to say to James in this moment — how do you offer condolences to someone the second time their parents are dying? “I’m sorry. I bought you these.” He presented the bouquet to him awkwardly, like he’d never held flowers before. Another pause. And then, “How are they?”

The feeling that flooded through her wasn’t shock. No, Doe knew that they all had to, in some ways, miss the people they were before. Remus, especially, had lived a life so much longer than hers, that she couldn’t imagine the relationships he’d formed. The progress he’d made. Her mind flickered faintly to the thought of wolfsbane, and how that must’ve helped him. The feeling, then, wasn’t shock, but relief. A thick flood of relief that washed over her like a tidal wave, and she found her shoulders slumping. “No, it’s not the moment,” she said, gently. “We’ve got those moments again, haven’t we? We’re able to… Have the moments back but we’re not the people we were in them.” 

A deep breath followed her words, and she met his eyes. “But I still feel somethings. I still…” Doe stopped herself before she could go too far, the fear catching back up to her. She’d always been so great at speaking her mind, and yet when it came to voicing her feelings about him, she always felt like she was hitting some sort of wall. So, she stopped, not sure she was able to go there tonight. “I don’t know. I’m still me, and I’m not. It’s fucking exhausting.”

At his next words, Doe found tears on her cheeks again. There was nothing that could change what she’d done, but that didn’t mean hearing him say that didn’t make her feel even a little bit better. “You don’t hate me?” she asked, so softly that at first she thought she’d only thought it. She leaned into his touch, letting his thumb soothe her enough to close her eyes for what felt like the first time that night. The question was, she knew, rather incendiary, and probably a bit dramatic, but it was how she felt, truthfully. “I don’t want–I don’t want anyone to think–” She opened her eyes again, searching his for answers that she knew he didn’t have. Still, it was nice to know he was here for her, even now. Even knowing all he knew.

⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆

The Dorcas he’d fallen in love with as a young man was not the woman in front of Remus now. She had been naive then, like him, and hadn’t yet felt the true wrath of the world. They both thought they’d had it hard enough. Like there was only going up from where they stood. He’d fallen in love with the Dorcas who listened to his hour long tangents about his dreams and life plans; the Dorcas who humored his “when I grow up”’s before he grew up and became someone he barely knew. Someone Doe wouldn’t have recognized if she’d passed him on the street. 

He missed the innocence, the complete ignorance of being a fresh adult on your own. Remus wished he’d woken up in 1979 without the memory of any year following instead. It was the knowledge of what happens after that haunted him like a ghost. What he longed to return to was a time he simply did not know. “I feel a lot of things, Doe.” He longed to return to when the two of them still pretended like they weren’t mad for one another. To when he was still lying to himself and saying Dorcas was just a really, really, really good friend. “So maybe we don’t know each other anymore.” He pressed the hair away from her face. “It doesn’t mean we can’t be reintroduced? Right?”

He watched her eyes close, and as they reopened something inside him did too. Did he hate her? Merlin, anything but that. Of all the things he’d felt about Dorcas in his life, it was never hate. Only warmth. Only sunshine, and anxiety, and so much love. “What’s that saying? All’s fair in love and war?” That wasn’t very relieving, he thought, but he wasn’t sure how else to comfort her after killing someone. It wasn’t an ache that words healed. It was a scar you could never rub away. 

The words, their anger, caused her to look up at him, some of her own sadness crystalizing as she realized how much Remus was really hurting in this moment. She had a million questions on her lips, but none of them quite came out, not right, not now. Instead, she said softly, “I can’t forget. Why do you think it’s so bloody–confusing.” Doe met his eyes carefully, shrugging a shoulder. “I don’t know how to separate the two. The Peter I know and the one you know. And I don’t know how t-to think right now, let alone try and justify any of that.”

Maybe she should pry; maybe she should push him to get that secret that now sat on his tongue out into the open. Doe was too tired tonight, though, to fight with him, so instead she decided to talk for him; decided to share a secret that had been on her lips in the days before but even more so now. “I know it’s not–it’s not the same as losing someone exactly,” she said, carefully. “But sometimes, thinking about it all, I miss the people we were like they had funerals. That’s so silly, isn’t it? I miss them. I miss me.”

And she did, in a way. She missed the way she could run into situations and not see that flash of green from the end of Voldemort’s wand; she now missed the Doe who had the luxury of avoiding rather than fully battling a foe. “Does that make any sense?” she breathed out a laugh. “I honestly, I feel rather mad, right now. I don’t want to talk about it, and yet all I keep doing is replaying it in my brain, over and fucking over and–” Hands pressed to her eyes, she leaned back on the couch, staring up at him. “I never thought– I– I don’t know what I thought, Rem.”

⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆

Remus listened to her speak. That was the one thing he missed when people died. How they spoke. It was so easy to forget the sound of someone’s voice. Even after spending long nights with Dorcas, speaking until their throats were raw, he’d still forgotten how she sounded years after she passed. It had seemingly happened overnight. He was forgetting the voices of his other past now: of Harry, Dora... even his own, more mature voice had slipped his mind. He knew what Dorcas was speaking about when she said she missed herself. Because he was starting to realize he missed himself, too. 

He missed not being haunted by his friends’ deaths. He missed not knowing what his future held, because at least then he could still hold onto some kind of hope — hope that, at one point, had included him getting his life together and being in his first relationship with Dorcas. But now they were both damaged and twisted up in ways he never imagined. His face fell and he looked down at the couch, trying his best not to break. “It makes sense.” He paused. “Long after I moved out, even when I was much older, I always thought about how I’d give anything up to come back here.” He took in a shaky breath. He thought of those situations — of times when the world felt like it was crumbling down and he pictured himself with Dorcas again, happy and sitting in the kitchen. “But it’s not the moment I missed, is it? Now I can see that. It’s who we were. How we felt. And we’re never going to be them again.”

He looked down at her. He wished he knew some kind of magic that would take away her emotional anguish; something that would make her care less about the life she took tonight. But there was no remedy. Remus knew it all too well. He cupped the side of her head and frowned. “I’m proud of you, Doe.” He rubbed circles into her forehead with his thumb. “You did so well tonight. I’m sorry you had to do it.” 

emmvxnces:

“Nymphadora?” Emmeline echoed, her brows scrunched in confusion as she craned her head towards Sirius in the effort to get some kind of clarification on what he’d just said . It was just so pointed and intentional ––– clearly meant for Remus and Remus alone after her impulsive question of the same vein ––– and it didn’t make one bit of sense to her. What on Earth did Tonks have to do with any of this? 

But then she switched her gaze over to Remus as he began to speak, and quite angrily at that. Not that she blamed him. She knew her question was beyond insensitive and insanely invasive on top of that. She should have just let it the fuck go and moved on, but as per usual, her reckless, irascible ( and quite buzzed ) ass had to go and act first and process the consequences later. And fuck were the consequences all too glaring. Emmeline felt her brain spin on its axis as Remus’ words began to register; everything coming together like puzzle pieces locking into place. He’d gotten married? He’d had a son? And then there was Nymphadora. Andromeda had mentioned that she’d had a son named Teddy, but never said who the father was. 

And Remus–––

“Holy fuck,” Emmeline whispered loudly in horror, her free hand flying up to her mouth while the other nearly dropped her beer bottle to the floor. “Teddy. He was your son?” Rowena. Guilt began to tear at her stomach like a swarm of wasps.  This was a fucking disaster. How in the fuck had things devolved this much? But Merlin, did it explain Sirius’ upset and Remus’ mood. It explained it all. And now she was stuck right in the middle. Fuck. But really, why hadn’t Remus said anything? To Sirius, if no one else … 

Emmeline met Sirius’ eyes desperately as she frantically tried to come up with what in the world to say. “Remus, I … shit. I’m so sorry.” 

@sirixsblxc

***

Sirius felt an all too familiar sting of emotion in his gut as Remus spoke. And it was insane to be jealous of what his friend had lost. But, it was the fact that he had had it. He had had the life that Sirius had always yearned for. To have someone to love, to have a family that he could call his own, it’s all he’s ever wanted. But his hope of that had been taken away the night Marlene had been killed before he could even fully realise what he had felt for her. Ever since then his life had a consistent edge of loneliness that had never went away. And he knew it was a new level of selfish for him to wish that someone else felt like that too. Yet that was now two of his friends that had gotten married and had a kid and he hated himself for feeling as though he had been left behind. They deserved happiness, after all. Life just always had different plans for him.

But he didn’t know how to explain that, to anyone. It was much easier to disguise his feelings as annoyance at Remus keeping it a secret. Anger at it being his cousin he chose. When really the thought of one of his closest friends actually being family gave him the smallest amount of joy yet there was no point focusing on that. Instead he just did what he was used too and pushed all feelings aside until he was numb as he glared at Remus’ outburst. So much for a fun game.

“I think we should stop playing.” He muttered as he finished off his beer and glanced at Emmeline as if silently begging for help. What was he even meant to say? He wished someone would just tell him how to act. He’d never been good at dealing with sensitive situations. More often than not he just ended up makings things worse when he let his emotions reach a breaking point. And he’d already done that. He felt utterly helpless right now. And it didn’t help that he felt as though he didn’t know how to talk to Remus right now. This was a part of Remus’ life Sirius knew nothing about. Godric, he had doubts that he knew Remus at all anymore after everything they have been through. Both together and separately. “This isn’t a topic to discuss while drunk I’m…I’m sorry. It was wrong to bring her into this.” It took a lot for Sirius to swallow his pride and apologise for anything. But he could admit he was fully in the wrong for bringing Tonks into the game. If it could even be called a game anymore.

( @mccnylupln· )

Remus thought relief would flood over him once he told his friends the truth, but it was nausea that he  felt when he finally stopped talking. It felt so wrong to be garnering their sympathy for the loss of a child that had never existed — for fatherhood that he’d never been blessed with. It was when Emmeline connected the dots — He was your son? — that Remus began to shake. Your son. Like it was unbelievable. And maybe it was. As he looked at the life that existed only in his mind, it felt like it was just some weird story he’d manufactured to cope. 

He saw how his friends wore fatherhood like a badge; how the mere responsibility of a child had turned them into a new type of person. But he was the same Remus. Remus had a life where, for most of it, he was alone. It was how he knew to live — independently, without anyone around to hurt him. It was how he had to live.

“Don’t apologize. You found out what you wanted.” He was being cruel to Emmeline for no reason. It wasn’t her fault that he hadn’t told anyone and instead had to admit his secrets in a silly game like this. Yet he still felt hurt. He turned to Sirius, his eyes cold. “But you. You knew. And instead of confronting me you wanted me to admit it like it was some kind of dirty little secret.” He didn’t realize how hard he was breathing until he stopped talking. He put the now empty drink down on a desk and shook his head. “I’m honestly not sure if you’re mad it was your cousin or if you’re just jealous...” 

He swallowed hard. “Yeah. I don’t think we should keep playing. Maybe we should start actually taking our job seriously and keep to ourselves for the next few hours.” He looked at the both of them. It was partially his fault, but selfishly he wanted to blame them for having things lead this way. “At least that’s what I feel like doing.”

The hand on her knee was enough to force her to look up at him, to see that he was crying too, and she couldn’t help but reach out and wipe some of the tears falling from his eyes away, to take some of his pain, for the moment. It was better than feeling her own; better than letting herself give in to the emotions she could feel just under the surface. “Oh, no, I’m…” she said softly, panicking now as she realized what her emotions were doing to him, she scooted closer, carefully taking his face in her hands and shaking her head as she felt herself cry harder. “I’m going to be okay, alright? We’ll be okay.”

Even as she said it, Doe knew that it sounded like a lie, but she couldn’t help it. It mad her heart-break to see him cry this way, and she could only imagine what she must look like now. And this close– Oh, blimey, when had she gotten this close? Carefully, she took his hands in hers and kissed them gently, as an excuse to pull away, just a bit. She didn’t deserve this, or him, or the way he was looking at her right now. 

A shake of her head followed his words. “Peter saved me,” she said, carefully, finding the words lodged in her throat. “I wouldn’t even be here if it wasn’t for him… H-he took a bloody unforgivable for me. And that’s why I sent the fiendfyre after them–” Doe paused as Remus confirmed that Narcissa was out, and she took a deep breath. At least they’d accomplished their goal, that small fact made her cry harder, and she felt like collapsing into him, but she held back, clutching his hands like a lifeline. “How do you do that?” she whispered, closing her eyes. “Separate the two? I can barely bloody… I can’t even think straight.”

But then, his two words, snapped her back to reality, like a bolt of lightning. “You’re lying,” she said, softly, meeting his eyes. “I know you, Remus Lupin. You can’t lie to me that way.” And she squeezed his hands again, both of her hands in his as she looked at him. It was selfish, maybe, to ask him to talk now, but she needed something else. Anything else. But she also knew that she wasn’t the only person who had a horrible night, and Remus needed her as much as she needed him. And Godric, who would she be without Remus Lupin? 

⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾⋆⁺₊⋆

Dorcas hands went to his face and he stopped breathing; his life existing solely in his own reflection in her tear-filled eyes. He wished he still believed that they were going to be okay. If she meant for just one night, then yeah, they would be okay. They’d make it through and probably wake up just where they fell asleep. But would they ever be okay again? Remus wanted to pull away, and was thankful that Doe did first. She kissed his hands and he felt his face warm. 

Peter saved her. Of course he did. Everyone seemed to be advocating for Peter now, as though he deserved a second chance. Remus was sure he didn’t. For years, Remus had believed he was the only one left of his friend group, and not once did Peter feel the need to make Remus feel any less alone. And now here he was, begging for forgiveness through his actions. “Peter managed to separate the two when he killed all those innocent people. You forget about that?” He snarled, unsure where the anger was coming from when he’d been so soft and sad a moment ago. Maybe it was because he knew what was coming. He’d have to be honest with Dorcas, too. It was time for him to come true about everything to everyone. 

“I’m sorry. I just...” Remus broke their eye contact and took in a shaky breath. He stared at the ground, his eyes running over a specific crack over and over again. He wasn't ready to say it. He looked back at her. "I'm just worried about you." 

emmvxnces·:

She knew that her question to Sirius had the high chance of him either taking a drink, or deflecting outright. But, to her surprise, the reply he gave was even worse. It was all fake as hell bravado. “You really should have just drank if you were going to give a bullshit answer like that,” she drawled out ––– giving Sirius a very pointed look in response. They’d spent far too much time in Grimmauld together and shared far too much between them. They knew each other way too damn well.  

Honestly, the game really wasn’t shaping up to be all that fun, nor was being with the two men at all like she’d thought it’d be. More than anything, it was just uncomfortable. But hell, what other way could a game the likes of Truth or Drink go with a threesome as fucked up as they were. They really should have just picked something else, and Merlin fucking above, did Sirius’ question to Remus prove that. Emmeline genuinely felt like she was missing something rather big as she looked between the two, wanting nothing more than to leave them alone to sort out whatever grievances they had bubbling between them. Too fucking bad she was stuck. At least Remus’ answer was good. 

Then came his question for her. Emmeline’s mouth dropped in complete shock at how cruel it was. What the fuck? What kind of question even was that? Better yet, what in the bloody hell had she done to him? She was certain if the tables were turned, Remus wouldn’t be able to answer either, the ass. 

Making sure to shoot Remus a nasty look, she took a drink of her beer. There were too many people she cared about that she wanted to save. There was no way she could pick one over the other, and it was fucked for Remus to ask her that in the first place. “Who the fuck pissed in your goddam butterbeer tonight,” she couldn’t help but grumble. But as she made to turn towards Sirius to ask him a question, she stopped and met Remus’ eyes instead. “Why did you drink at Sirius’ question earlier? About the whole missing something from before thing?” Was it petty? Yes. Was she tipsy and bored enough to not give a shit at the moment. Also yes. 

@sirixsblxc··

Sirius didn’t even realise just how much he needed to hear that Remus trusted him until the words came out of his friends mouth. But he doubted the paranoia would ever fully go away. Too many cracks had been made to fully fill them in one moment. It would take time. At least now he knew the secrecy around Remus’ future wasn’t kept out of a lack of trust. And maybe if Sirius was sober he would just leave it at that and bring the issue up in a better, perhaps more private, time. But he wasn’t sober. And as the questions were getting more and more intense he didn’t feel too bad about what he wanted to ask next.

But after Emmeline has rightfully refused to answer her question, who could pick just one person to save? She got there before him and Sirius chocked on his drink at the unexpected turn before looking between them both. This ‘game’ really was starting to get out of hand. If they wanted to keep their friendship after tonight they really should stop before one of them went too far. Maybe, one some level, it was what they needed. To vent and let out their fears and take it out on each other instead of those that didn’t understand. So Sirius wanted to wait for Remus’ answer regardless of it if was a bad idea or not for Emmeline to push for an answer. If it even came at all. But he was tired of tip toeing around it. If Remus wasn’t going to bring up what was causing the tension between them, then Sirius was going to do it for him. 

“I already know why he didn’t answer.” Sirius said and looked at Remus with a look to say he dared him to lie to his face as he kept talking. It was time for them to stop dancing around why things felt awkward. And if Sirius didn’t bring it up he was going to burst from trying to hold it in. The fact he has lasted this long was a miracle itself. “It’s because he doesn’t want to tell me about Nymphadora. As if I was never going to hear about that from someone else.”

( @mccnylupln· )

Remus narrowed his eyes at Emmeline. He knew his avoiding the answer would come back and bite him in the ass, but he didn’t expect it to be so quickly. Before he could answer, Sirius stepped over him. He turned to face him and found himself clenching his jaw. His blood pressure rose in his neck. He looked between his two friends and realized he suddenly felt cornered. 

“Yeah. That’s right.” He swallowed hard, his brain sending out misfires as he thought about what to say next. No clear thoughts were coming to his mind. He looked at Emmeline. “You want to know what I miss most? I miss being happy. I miss being married to the love of my life and having a son I can hold. I miss finally having something to fucking live for.” His eyes went to Sirius again. He felt his heartbeat get faster and faster. “Is that good enough for you? Do you need me to go into more detail? You want me to talk more about all the good things in my life that I’ll never have again?” He brought his beer back to his lips and finished it, afraid that he’d talk more if he didn’t shut himself up soon. 

Once the bottle was empty he shook his head and looked down at the ground. Fuck. He had tried his best not to think about Nymphadora — to not think about the life that he had so quickly it only felt like a dream. And now his stomach was turning as his memories with her and Teddy came flooding back to him. “Great fucking game, guys. Really lightened the mood.”