turning the page .

A part of Sirius wanted to deny that either of them were truly fucked up. But he couldn’t get the words out as he knew that was a lie. You couldn’t live through what he or Emmeline had and be okay once things settled down. They had been through too much. They had lost too many people. And they had spent so much time struggling that he didn’t know how it felt to be at peace anymore. That is until he ‘died’. For just a moment he had even been relieved when he had drifted off into nothing. Because the thought of not having to deal with even just one more day with guilt and pain felt like a blessing.

“It’s quite sad how good we are at acting as though we are alright.” Sirius said with a sigh. He was all too familiar with putting on the act of being alright when really in his head he was screaming at the top of his lungs just hoping someone would make the stress go away. But he had never been the type to burden others with his feelings. He would much rather deal with them on his own. "Fuck knows we have earned the right to a rest. Not to be flung back into this mess again. And yeah it’s great that everyone remembers but…I had forgot how young we all were at the start of all of this. Half of us were just kids. And that’s…it’s harder this time. And I want nothing more than to be optimistic that we are going to win quicker and not lose anyone but I know there is a chance that won’t happen. We both gave our lives for this bloody war once and I don’t want that to happen again.” Downing the rest of his drink he finally jumped down from onto of the bar to pour himself another. “This shit is just unfair.” 

´ ･ .  ✶ –––––––––––––––

“Got a lot of practice, didn’t we?” she murmured with a wry huff of laughter, knowing good and Merlin damned well how tragic that sounded, especially when said out loud. But hell, what else was she meant to do? She’d just gotten so used to it ––– putting on a well-oiled façade for others. Ever since she was a young girl, she’d had to make sure and insist to all those concerned that her home life was fine; that her father didn’t neglect her, or spit hate at her on the rare occasions when he didn’t. It’d become second nature to hide all the ugly, hard bits of her life to the world. To hold it all close to deal with on her own was, quite simply, all she’d ever known. The alternative, which she was sure was, in fact, much healthier, scared her in a sense.

When he began to speak again, Emmeline could only listen ––– solidarity and support pouring off of her in waves. He was right. He was more than right. “You and your lot, especially,” she tossed out, because that had always bothered her. How young Sirius and his friends had been when the war first broke out. They’d just left school, for fuck’s sake. They should have been carefree and out enjoying their youth. They’d had their whole lives ahead of them, only for it all to be brutally torn away in the cruelest ways possible in the casualties of this fucked war.

“Hey,” she whispered softly as she set her drink down and hopped off the counter to gracelessly hurry over to her friend’s side. She’d had plenty of drinking sessions just like this with him to know when Sirius’ thoughts would start to peter off into darker territories. “I know. I know. I feel the same as you. This whole entire thing is wrong. But … you’ve got me. You’ve always got me when all this shit gets to be too much. If nothing else. . .” she whispered, her hand coming up to rub gently at his back. “I get it, yeah? I’m here.”

Tired of being. Sirius closed his eyes for a second and let those words wash over him. Because nothing had ever felt more true. All the pain that he had had to live through, all the struggles and loses, and where did it get him? No where. He had gone from a cell to being locked up in his own personal prison and by the end he felt like nothing but a shell of the person he had once been. 

When he died, though, he for a moment got a taste of what true peace had felt like. And to have had that ripped away from him felt worse someday’s than anything he has had to live through. And it was so hard to put into words. Because of course he was grateful to be alive. And he couldn’t even begin to explain how it felt to be surrounded by all the people he loved once again and have the chance to change things. But, he was tired. Mentally he was so drained that even though he was exhausted he still couldn’t sleep at night. He still had nightmares. Even in sleep he couldn’t escape the worries that plagued him. 

And he had no one that he could talk too. That would understand. Except Emmeline. After so many conversation late at night in Grimmauld he knew that there wasn’t anything he could say that would shock her. Or even surprise her. She just…knew.

“When I fell through the veil there was a second where I just felt…light. There was no pain. I wasn’t tired. I wasn’t even thinking I just…was. And I don’t think I’ve ever felt that peaceful my entire life. And I didn’t fight it I just…fell. It was as though I was going to sleep and drifting off into a dream. Instead I woke up back in this nightmare.” He hasn’t spoken about the moment he fell to anyone. It had felt too personal to share. But he knew that Emmeline would understand. And the relief he felt to finally say his thoughts out loud made it easier to speak. “It did feel nice.” He muttered, repeating her words. 

“Impossible is the right word for it. Everyone else seems so happy to be back. That or they are determined to change the future.” He said and chuckled. He did admire those that had just gotten on with their lives and were pushing for a better future. Meanwhile he was clinging onto any sanity he had left sometimes. “And I am as well, in a way. But the thought of there being the risk of losing everyone again makes me wish I wasn’t back here. Because I can’t…live through that again. But I can’t say that to everyone cause it makes me feel so damn selfish.”

´ ･ .  ✶ –––––––––––––––

For a long moment, Emmeline could only stare at Sirius with wide, disbelieving eyes. She’d heard how he’d died, of course, but having it come from her friend’s own mouth now ––– what he’d experienced first-hand in his final moments ––– was something else entirely. Then again, she and Sirius had never been the type to shy away from the harder topics, especially in regard to their lives and with each other. “Whoever knew dying could be so satisfying, huh?” Morbid as it was, the jest just slipped out. “Well . . . either that, or we really are as fucked up as people think we are. I’m still trying to figure out which is which.”

Tipping her glass back, she took a few more, quick pulls of her drink to try and ground herself ––– relishing the heady burn at her throat ––– before nodding her head. “No, I know what you mean. I do.” Not that she wasn’t happy for her friends; happy to see them alive once more and be in their orbits. But Emmeline knew all too damn well the true horrors that were to come in their world. It was difficult to be anything but wary ( and jaded ). “Hey now. That doesn’t make you selfish, and I’ll set anyone straight that says otherwise.” Besides having a lot in common with him, she was also incredibly protective of Sirius; like that of an older sister. “We’ve seen so many people we love leave us in some twisted way. I want to change things this time, too, but . . .” she could feel her throat start to close up as that ever-familiar anxiety clawed at her insides, “I know how hopeless it can feel. How fucking scary the idea of the past just simply repeating itself is. I put up this façade more often than not for the others just to bloody get by and focus on the tasks ahead. It’s fucked, but if that’s what it takes to not have people worry needlessly while we try and get through this mess on top, that’s what I’ll do.”

It felt like an eternity before Emmeline spoke again; before any kind-of acknowledgement of what he’d said had left her lips. It felt right, saying it out loud to her, even if his own feelings about Gideon were roiling in his stomach now; even if the world was tumbling down around them. Whether or not he still had feelings for Gid, right now, in this moment, his love for Emmeline was his truth. And Godric, did it feel good to tell her. Three bloody years too long, of course, but at least they were out there now. Even if she rejected him, Felix had let the words enter the atmosphere, and that was enough.

Of course, it wasn’t was it? His heart was hammering in his chest as he waited for her to reply. After all this time, he still didn’t know how to love without being right messy about it. Three years too long, what he’d done, what she last remembered, it was enough to have her walk away. That much he knew. And he wouldn’t blame her, even though it would shatter his heart; even if it might send him on a path away from her for forever.

But then, Felix, over the hammering of his bloody heart, realized she was moving. Not away. Towards. Closer, and closer, like a magnet and before he knew it she was there, right in front of him, and her hands were on his cheeks, and he was leaning so close to her that he no longer felt like he could breathe. That was how it always was around her. A bit intoxicating; two broken whiskey glasses. He’d never minded an edge. 

A laugh fell from his lips, then, at the mention of his being a prat. “I’m a right prat,” he whispered, unable to get his voice any louder. He felt as though if he spoke loudly, he might break whatever spell was here right now. And Godric, he felt like this was magic. It was, in a way. Felix knew there had to have been magic involved for all these people to be brought back to him; for him to come back here too. He wasn’t going to argue with that, though, not now. “We can agree on that, a million times over.”

Not when everything he’d ever wanted was right here, again. 

Gently, cautiously, almost, he reached out and pushed some hair behind her ear, but his eyes never left her face; never left her eyes, which were now so close that he could see the golden flecks in her irises. There wasn’t enough oxygen in the world to fix the dizziness now forcing him to lean into the counter, pulling her with him ever so slightly. “I wouldn’t dream of it mariposa,” he said, carefully bringing his lips closer to hers. “I’ve been yours. If you’ll have me.”

Carefully, he nudged her nose with his, hoping that she wouldn’t push him away, and when she didn’t, he did what he’d only done in dreams for the past few years; did what he’d wanted to do for so long, and had never thought he’d get to do again. He kissed her, gently, as if she were still a memory, and when he pulled away there were a few tears prickling at the corners of his eyes. “Would you like me to say it again? Because I will, a million times, if it helps.” He paused and then managed a small smile, “I love you.”

´ ･ .  ✶ –––––––––––––––

“As long as you’re aware,” she replied breathlessly, a shiver skittering down the length of her spine at the warm brush of his fingers trailing across her cheek. Without thinking, Emmeline reached up to clasp at Felix’s wrist before he could lower his hand. It was a sudden and encompassing impulse to keep him that she couldn’t ignore, just like the gentle, lingering kiss she pressed to the center of his palm not a moment later. Merlin, they were so close, and it was through a hooded gaze that she took the rare time to just take in everything that made up Felix Bones as his words washed over her. 

I’ve been yours. If you’ll have me. 

Bloody hell, was that even a question? 

“Of course I will, tonto.” Her voice was barely a whisper as she let herself be moved at his prompting; freely falling further into his touch as though she was burning for it. And hell, maybe she was. For years he’d been both the balm to her maelstrom mess, and, simultaneously, the match; an endless paradox. And as she stood, wrapped up in him ––– breaths mingling, desperate hands grasping one another tight ––– Emmeline knew she wanted nothing more than to just bask in the flames. 

And yes, there was still so much to factor between them; so much to talk about. Susan, being at the very forefront. But here and now, for once in her fucking life, she was going to be selfish. Even if it was fucked up, she didn’t care. She needed this moment. Just this one, if nothing else. Let her have this. Let her have him. 

She pressed into Felix’s Eskimo kiss ––– a small, almost disbelieving smile curled at the corner of her mouth. And then, he was kissing her; the feel of his lips against hers as light as a gossamer wing. Never had she been treated so gently before. So reverently. Even that last time they’d been together, their embrace had been frantic and wrought with an aching uncertainty for what was to come, but they’d just been unable to stop. This? This was leagues different. And the following ‘I love you’ ––– number 3 ––– set out to make her heart burst. 

“It’s a start,” she said playfully, her hands coming up to cradle his face once more as she pressed herself up on her toes to capture his mouth again. This time was longer, deeper as she poured out everything she felt for him now that she could. “I love you, Felix.” The words that’d once caused her such pain were now startlingly easy to say as she gently rested her forehead against his. But, deep down, there was something else niggling at her. Something she wanted so desperately to ask, but was terrified to voice aloud, even despite everything that’d just happened between them. And yet . . . 

“Could you . . . stay? Just for tonight. Stay with me?” 

where: sirius’ pub when: 23rd march who: @emmvxnces​

Laying across the top of the bar, his bar, Sirius stared up at the ceiling and wondered why he couldn’t manage to feel anything but empty. He should be happy he had bought his pub once again. One of his main sources of happiness before the world well and truly went to hell. But, instead he felt as though he was trying to cling onto a dream that was fading with each passing day. What should make him feel excited and bring him hope brought him a strange sense of dread instead. Should he be changing what he had done in the past to try and ward off the future? Did doing something like buying the same pub even matter? His brain wouldn’t stop for more than a few seconds to let him try and even begin to sort through his thoughts. Yet he had enough sense to know he shouldn’t be alone.

And the only person he wanted to be around right now was Emmeline.

He had invited her here and only took the time to point out that he had cleared the bar before he was pouring them drinks. The rest of the place was still covered in white sheets and he tried not to think about how much work it had been the first time to clear it all. Right now he just wanted to drink and not have to pretend that he had his shit together. And he never had to pretend around Emmeline. He could just let himself wallow and drink until he was numb and he knew she wouldn’t judge him for it. Which was also why he finally voiced the thoughts that had been in his head for weeks.

“Do you ever wish that you just…hadn’t woken up?” He asked quietly before he sat up and looked down at her. “Not in a I wish I were dead kinda way. Well…maybe a little. But more in a I have no fucking clue what I’m doing and a rest sounds really nice right now kinda way?”

´ ･ .  ✶ –––––––––––––––

The instant Sirius had invited her over to his new ( or was it technically old? ) bar, Emmeline had practically dropped everything around her to oblige. It wasn’t as though it was a hard choice to make, really. If there was anyone she felt closest to ––– anyone she felt safest around and that she could be her complete and true self with, it was Sirius Black. And considering what they’d been through lately, that bond was so desperately needed, now more than ever before. For both their sakes. 

The ball had fucked them up. She knew it. She could sense it, and in more ways than one that went far past the scuffle they had with Remus and the subsequent attack during Narcissa’s rescue. The scars they’d amassed throughout their lifetimes ran so, horribly deep. The ache still felt as though it were an open an festering wound. But it was easier to bear the burden with a friend. With Sirius. 

Slowly, she swirled her quickly diminishing tumbler of whiskey around in her hand as she reclined back in a heap across the bar top; the light feeling of tipsiness like that of an old friend at this point as she listened to Sirius talk. Though, it was his question of their deaths that really caught her attention. But, honestly? It wasn’t at all a hard one to answer. 

“Every day,” she said, her voice eerily steady and gentle as she kept her gaze up toward the ceiling. “I was so tired, you know? Tired of being ––– and yeah, sure, I died in a pretty fucked up kind of way, but it was almost . . . a relief in those final moments. There was no more loss. No more war. No more heartbreak. Nothing. It was nice.” Emmeline knew it was a truly awful way of thinking, but wasn’t that what she was, at the core of it all? Fucked up? Ruined? A failure? 

Letting out a small, but trembling breath, she angled her head down to meet Sirius’ eyes. “It’s practically impossible to say this to anyone else, isn’t it? They don’t get it. They don’t understand. Just would write us off as certifiable if they heard it.” 

The snarky grin Emmeline gave Alastor in return made him chuckle. Throughout the years, Moody had seen and caught on to a lot more than he let others know - even before the magical eye. And while he held back on outright acting on his admiration and care for others out of preservation, the truth was, he cared quite deeply. And Emmeline was no exception. Before Tonks, Emmeline was one of the first he took under his wing as though a family member, “Harlot?” he laughed outright, “Nothing wrong with a bit o’ Scotts pride now, eh?” the Auror let the giddiness pass as quick as it came, folding his arms across his chest as he looked over to her, “Lucky for us, things can be different this go ‘round.”

“Tickled pink!” the joy in Moody’s voice returned, laughing a bit more at that. This new reality pushed him back into not only familiar territory with all of his prior pupils, but as well as a second chance to live that life a little more happily than before. And, for once, Moody thought it would be good to let those war-trodden walls fall for better moments such as these, “As if they’d believe it.”

As Emmeline caught onto his coded mention of Severus and ow quickly she saw through his meaning, Alastor shrugged with a hint of a smirk, “Might’ve given him a good toss or two - and it may not be the only time I do,” his eyes then went to meet hers, sighing slightly. Emmeline wasn’t wrong; and many were thinking just as she was. And while the Headmaster was his friend, there was also a bit of doubt in himself, “We can trust the goal he’s always aiming towards…but maybe not the path he has in mind to get there…”

Moody was proud of Emmeline for taking on the task, shaking his head, “Not unless there’s anything else on your mind. You can come to me about anything, eh?”

´ ･ .  ✶ –––––––––––––––

“They damn well better be,” she practically hissed. “I’ll do everything in my power to make sure it happens.” Even if it meant her death all over again, she’d do it without a single ounce of hesitation. Emmeline refused to let their gruesome history repeat itself all over again; not with the second chance they’d been given, confusing and difficult as it was at times. 

It might have seemed a bit childish, but she couldn’t help but bask in the happiness she heard in Alastor’s voice at their silly bout of back and forth teasing. It’d been so long since she’d heard it, and she about soaked it up like a sponge. “Hey now. You somehow still severely underestimate how much people would clamber all over the place for your approval. Not me, of course. I know what a posturing softie you are at heart, but others are a much different story,” she chimed as she nudged at his side with her elbow. “Besides, I well think they’d believe it if it were me, don’t you think? I’d be careful if I were you.”

Her head shook in bemusement at her boss’ continued explanations. “You’re that worried about him, huh?” Not that she blamed him. Not at all. “Let me know if you want me to come along at any point. You know I have your back, always.” And she meant it. She’d follow him into hell if he asked her. Though, the comments on Dumbledore still had her a touch apprehensive. “Can we trust his goal, though? Is his goal the same as ours? Was it ever? I just . . . I don’t think I can stand behind him anymore, Alastor.”

who: emmeline + remus ( @emmvxnces​ )

where: emmeline’s flat

Remus had a tendency to avoid the difficult things in life. When he argued with friends, he opted to disappear instead of face the consequences. So, after his awkward conversation with Sirius and Emmeline at the Valentine’s Day Ball, he’d fallen a bit off the face of the Earth. Now, he was at Emmeline’s flat, just blocks away from where they’d been that night, ready to apologize. 

“I’m sorry for how things ended on at the ball.” He paused. “I meant, how I behaved — not the explosion, which, was obviously terrible… but not my fault.” He shook his head, hoping the movement would shake his thoughts free. When he thought back to Valentine’s Day, he felt a bit of shame bubble up in his stomach. He’d been immature. That was usually how he was once he had a bit of alcohol in his system — impatient, snappy. There was a reason he’d cut it out before the baby came. 

“Um. Oh, right.” He gestured to the flowers in his hand: a bouquet of bright red and pink roses. They looked out of place on him, the bright colors clashing with his orange slacks. “These are for you…” He slowly passed them to her and gave her a grin. “The lady at the market picked them out. She said something about them being French. Not sure if that makes them better or worse.”

´ ･ .  ✶ –––––––––––––––

Her mind had been a scattered mess ever since the ball; Narcissa’s rescue and the followed attack weighing like a heavy anvil chained at her feet. Not to mention the disaster that’d come out of working interference. The night had started out so well, too ––– full of hope and hell, even a bit of lighthearted happiness for the holiday. She should have known it wouldn’t last. The argument that flared between her, Remus, and Sirius was something she’d never expected the three of them to go through; not after all they’d been through together. But maybe that was precisely why it’d happened? Putting three, incredibly fucked up people, bursting with unresolved trauma together was a recipe for a disaster. She didn’t blame Remus for getting upset, either. She didn’t blame him one bit. They’d gone too far. They’d pushed too much. 

So, it was her immense surprise to come face-to-face with the very man in question just outside her doorstep; flowers and an apology in hand. Rowena, it was such a Remus thing to do that it made her chest ache with a fondness that was near unreal. 

Without waiting a single moment otherwise, Emmeline merely surged forward and wrapped her arms around her friend and hugged him tight. “I should be the one apologizing, not you, dummy,” she breathed softly. “Things went way too far in that bloody stupid game. I shouldn’t have pressed you like that, especially when I could see you were uncomfortable. It was childish and just utter shit of me, and I’m so, so sorry.” Leaning back a bit, she offered him a watery smile as she carefully took the roses from him with a choppy giggle. “French, huh? Can’t say I know much about flowers either, but they’re beautiful. Here ––– come in, I can make us tea. You also have full permission to raid through my sweets stash as my formal apology. It’s not as pretty or thoughtful as your flowers, but hopefully it’ll do.” 

“Is that what you think I’m trying to do here?” Felix asked, mind reeling as she spoke more, anger flickering in her voice. His words were spilling out now, as hers were, and he couldn’t help but let them tumble. A waterfall of guilt, that much was right, but not for the reasons she thought. Not for what she was accusing him of. Maybe he couldn’t blame her, for the way he’d left, for how he’d treated her in those very last moments of her life. “Make up for the guilt I feel, for leaving you? You think that’s why I came back?” He ran his hand over his face, trying to stop himself from laughing, but even now, it felt ridiculous. Did all of the people he cared about think truly so little of him?

Bracing himself against the counter, he shook his head and met her eyes. “I didn’t know how to say it back, not right away,” he said, starting off looking down at the ground. “And I suppose I learned too late. Hours too late, how to get over that fear. You can hate that I’m bringing it, up but I’ve wanted to say I love you since that first day in your office. I just… I still can’t believe you’re here again. I don’t deserve this.” The words had almost rolled off his tongue so many times, but he’d stopped them, afraid of what she’d feel; what she’d say.  

“I regretted what I did, every second after you were gone. Every second. If you think I moved on, then you don’t know me at all. I could barely move on from Gideon, really. I’ve never–I’ve never known how to do things in halves.” If he were being honest, he still hadn’t, but that wasn’t what he was here for, not now. Those feeling he could reconcile another day. 

Meeting her eyes, he swallowed and continued softly. “I barely survived without you, and not because… Not because I couldn’t, but because I chose not to. It’s not your fault, I’m not— Godric, I wouldn’t even think of blaming you. But I couldn’t fucking do it again. I’ve lost so many people–” He broke then words lodged in his throat as he looked down at his feet. “And not long after you, Lia was gone too. I just… I could barely dream of having a scrap of goodness again. I was terrified of losing it. And then I did. I managed to provide for Susan, and that was it. That was all. I was good fuckin’ father, but I was never… I was nothing else.” 

He hadn’t let himself be anything else, not really. Everything else just felt like too much to carry, after losing all of the people he’d cared about. Everyone he’d loved. Everyone in his family, except Susan. Veronica was around, but she wasn’t his love. Never really had been. She’d been someone to hide his feelings from Gideon; to hide what he’d really wanted. His cowardice taking shape. It was awful to think of it that way, really, but it was what it was in the end. It was why they’d divorced. It was why he stood here now, in Emme’s living room and not hers. “But I didn’t come back to try and say sorry. You deserve that, too, but I came back to tell you what I should’ve said in the first place. I love you. I have for so long, mariposa. And if that’s all this is, me admitting that and letting you go, then that’s– That’s what it is. But I couldn’t keep letting you think I’d just… I’d just walked away.”

´ ･ .  ✶ –––––––––––––––

I love you. 

They were just three words, yet they carried with them a profound impact ( one she knew all too well ). And Felix had just said it to her. Not once, but twice. 

It was as if time had come to a screeching halt around them. Emmeline wasn’t even sure she was breathing as she stood, rooted to the floor and stupefied into complete and utter stillness as everything he’d said washed over her in waves. 

He loved her.

But . . . that didn’t make any sense. Not after what’d happened between them. The night he’d left her had solidified it. It proved that Felix didn’t and would never feel the same for her. Didn’t it . . . ? Even if he had been the one to seek her out all those weeks ago in her office, and had been so happy to see her. The same with the Valentine’s Ball. And now, he was here, despite how much she yelled and shut him down and tried to evade him, he stayed. He stayed. But was that enough? Did that change anything? Did it matter? Emmeline’s heart clashed viciously with her mind in an all-out brawl for some kind of dominance to the point that it was dizzying. Merlin, was this real? 

“You–––,” she tried to speak and gain some sort semblance about her, but nothing else came out. Disbelief, hope, hurt, anger, and elation all swirled through her in a vicious maelstrom while, simultaneously, her heart felt as though it were about to shatter her ribcage with how hard it beat. Thought after thought sped on loop in her mind, but there was one that rang loudest, above all others. Did he mean it? She had to know. She needed to. 

Slowly, Emmeline walked up to stand right in front of Felix ––– the closest she’d been to him since they’d been in her office, and far, far more meaningful ––– and reached up to carefully cradle his jaw in her hands as she looked at him ––– looked at his eyes. She wanted to see if he was lying, or trying to spare her feelings. Something. Something to prove her fears and doubts right. But, to her growing astonishment, there wasn’t even a spark of falsity to be found, but instead, everything she never thought she could or would have; everything she’d ever wanted. Fresh tears fell as the reality hit and hit hard in that moment. He meant it. 

“God, Felix,” she uttered on a soft cry, eyes falling shut as she lowered her head with a small shake and her hands came down to his shoulders; fingers gripping tight to the fabric of his shirt. Belatedly, she realized that she was trembling. “You absolute fucking prat.” The words might have been harsh, but they were swimming in nothing but relief. And, really, why would he come all the way to her flat for a lie? There were many things Felix Bones was, but intentionally cruel wasn’t one of them. Was she still incredibly hurt by what he’d done? Of course. That was a scar that wasn’t going to go any time soon. But . . . when he’d explained it ––– when she really took in what he said past her bottled hurt ––– the more she began to understand. 

Once she felt she’d calmed herself down enough, Emmeline tilted her back up and caught Felix’s gaze again. “If you so much as think of leaving me or letting me go or whatever bloody else right now, I will honest to god kick your ass, Oso.” 

Rebellion. The word felt so foreign but so appropriate for this moment. Still, Narcissa had never quite associated it with how she acted. There were small moments, maybe. Moments where she would sneak off with another boy after finding out she’d been betrothed to Lucius; moments where she’d think about what might happen if she were to switch careers. If the world were normal, she would be leaving the Ministry from her job in the Obliviators office. 

The world, it seemed, was not normal. Or, maybe Emme was right, maybe it was always supposed to be this way. 

“Oh, I don’t doubt that for one second,” she said, managing a small smile. “Any longer and I think Druella would’ve tried to split us apart herself.” Of course, time had done it for her mother. Time, and Narcissa’s mounting fear. Fear of hurting her true friends, fear of what it meant that she preferred them to the people she was supposed to like being around. There was too much to unpack in one reunion, Narcissa feared, but being here with Emmeline again felt as though no time had passed at all. There was a thread between them, one that she would never be quite ever to break. A shaky breath followed the revelation that, even after all this time, Emmeline was her best friend. A part of her always recognized it, even if it meant recognizing that she was not the woman her mother had raised her to be. 

The hand squeeze was enough to make her break, and she sat down in the nearest chair, a rickety wooden thing, head in hands. “I wouldn’t blame you if you hadn’t come,” she admitted, rubbing her eyes with her palms and looking back up at her. It was strange, being so vulnerable with someone. But then again, it was Emme, and there was really no looking back now, was there? “I know I was never the best friend. Not really. I hope you know how much you mattered–You matter. To me.”

´ ･ .  ✶ –––––––––––––––

“She could have tried,” Emmeline drawled back, unable to hold back the burning resentment from trickling into her voice. Though, really, it wasn’t as if it was any kind of secret that she despised most of the Black family. Besides Sirius, Narcissa, and Andromeda, the whole lot them were nothing more than vile, elitist, blood supremacists that held no care for anyone outside of themselves and their own fucked desires. 

It'd been painfully evident, even from the start, that they hadn’t at all cared for her befriending their daughter – considering that she was a half-blood, to start – but, despite her plentiful of ill feelings towards them, they weren’t the sole factor in her and Narcissa’s relationship falling apart. But they were definitely part of it nevertheless, and that was more than enough. Losing her closest friend had been agonizing, her personal feelings aside. It was as though she’d lost a limb and had been left with nothing but an awful, phantom ache in its wake. 

. . . But for the first time in ages, in their little bubble inside of the safehouse, it felt as though it was finally beginning to mend. 

Emmeline watched, despondent, as Narcissa sank in on herself, her heart going out to her. “Don’t talk like that,” she chided said softly. “It was a long time ago, and we’re here now, aren’t we? Things are different. We’ll make them different.” Kneeling down in front of the other woman, she offered her tender smile. “I do. Weirdly enough, despite everything, I knew. I know. And you know it’s the same for me, right?” 

The downhill spiral happened so quick, that Felix barely felt himself slip. Heart hammering in his chest, he listened to Emme’s words, but only barely had time to process them before he felt his brain clouding over. He’d never been good at whatever it was between them. He’d fucked up his relationship with Veronica; fucked up his relationship with Gideon. Felix had never understood why anyone would want to try again, not with him. So, when Emme had wanted to try, when he’d finally let that rusted guard down again, he’d gotten scared. Like he usually did. In his mind, it was better to leave her; better to spare her the heartbreak then, rather than later. He would fuck it up again. Back then, he’d wholeheartedly believed that. 

Now? Godric, he’d been brought back from the dead. They all had. There had to be a reason it was them, of all people, why they were given this second chance at life. Felix wasn’t going to waste it, not this time. 

“I know, I fucked up,” he said, shaking his head. “I’m not denying that. I’ve never–I know I’m not perfect at this by any means.” A deep breath followed those words, but when she said that the night was a mistake, he felt his blood run cold, a bit of anger in him bubbling up as words cut from his lips like a knife: “I came back.” He hadn’t meant to tell her that, not yet, only because it felt so ridiculous to say. “Of course I fucking came back, Emme. And you were gone. I guess you were already… You were already gone.” He couldn’t say dead. Not really. Not now, not then, not ever, likely. A deep breath steadied him but he knew his hands were shaking as he brought himself back to reality. To now. To whatever this time and place was.

At least this time and place had Emmeline. 

He sucked in a breath and met her eyes, searching them for any sign of give, any sign of understanding. For the first time in his life, he felt as though he couldn’t reach her, and for some reason he thought of Gideon; thought of the way that they’d said goodbye, and he felt his heart sinking in his chest; an ache for him building there. “If you mean that, if you really mean it, I’ll stop,” he said, softly. “But I don’t think you do. I-I don’t want to mess up this time, Emme, but a life without you isn’t… It’s not for me. Not anymore.” He felt as though he were holding his breath, waiting for her to respond and so he continued, softly. “But I couldn’t keep it in forever, Emme, you know that. It was never nothing. Not a mistake. Not to me.”

´ ･ .  ✶ –––––––––––––––

Felix’s sharp bite of anger in the wake of her wretched emotional plea left Emmeline stunned; her breath catching tight in her throat as she slowly turned back around to face him with an overwhelmingly incredulous stare. Was this some kind of twisted joke? Was that really his bid of justification for what he’d done? “You came back,” she echoed hollowly, followed by a scoff coated in barbed cruelty. “Is that supposed to mean something to me? Is that supposed to make a bloody difference or magically erase the fact that you fucked me and then left?” Rowena, she hadn’t wanted to do this; she hadn’t wanted to have this conversation because she knew damn good and well what it would do to her. 

What Felix would do to her.  

But it was much too late. It was all spilling out of her now like a viscous, bubbling tar, which was exactly what she’d tried so hard to prevent; everything she’d held back after that night; everything she hadn’t let herself truly feel. 

“I know ––– I know I shouldn’t have said that I loved you, and I’m so sorry I did. It wasn’t right to spring that on you like that. But never, not once, did I ever think you would just run off and leave me like that. I tried to apologize, I tried–––” Emmeline didn’t even try to stop the anguished sob that broke free that time. Fuck, she could practically hear her father’s voice, clear as day, whispering hate into her ear as he had when she was a child; calling her worthless, and that no one would ever love her. Hell, she’d always known that he was right. She’d resolved herself to it a long time ago that while she might love ( and had ) and love viscerally, she would never be loved in return. It’d happened with Narcissa and others after her, and it’d happened with Felix. But Merlin above, knowing the truth didn’t make it hurt any less. 

“And yes, I was gone. Dead as a fucking door nail on the fucking Muggle Prime Minister’s lawn after I got ambushed ––– left to fight until I was left bleeding out and unable to fucking move or breathe before taking the killing curse between my fucking eyes. I’m so sorry if that prevented you from absolving you of your guilt, Felix. Truly, I am.” Emmeline quickly shook her head as he began to talk once more; not wanting to hear it. Not able to. “It seems to me that you did quite well without me, and are still doing fine now. And it’s not like there’s a high chance of me getting out of this mess alive, anyway. So really, there’s no point to any of this.” Now that ––– that she hadn’t meant to say. Not out loud. But she had.

 “So just . . . you can stop.” 

Moody couldn’t help but chuckle at Emmeline’s retort, “Well, if not for Minchium, and certainly not my handsome face, who for then?” he teased only slightly. Emmeline had every reason to disregard the question, but it was pleasant to be back in his prior role, being beside his pupils on missions once again. When she turned her attention to the Minister, Alastor nodded “I think we all are…but, what would be your solution, Emmeline? One of us in their place?” and if so…who? Alastor pondered silently.

“Good,” Moody began. If there was anyone he was glad had been paired up, it was this trio. The three had a long history, even into that previous lifetime. Above all else, Moody understood that success in a mission like the one they were tasked with only worked in their favor with comradery, “You’ll need that familiar and good dynamic to pull everything off. Out of everyone, I’m glad it’s the three of you matched up for such a task.”

“A certain snake…” Alasor replied simply, expecting she would know he meant Severus by that term, “While I may have had my wods with him, nothing about this new reality sits right,” he confessed, “Make sure he stays in line with our objectives….especially if Dumbledore entrusts him with his old role again,” Moody sighed. While he knew his old friend had good intentions with only wanting to rid their world of Voldemort, some of the steps he’d taken in that previous life could be prevented now, if they could help it, “There’s no one I trust more than you with this, Emmeline.”

´ ･ .  ✶ –––––––––––––––

“Who said I had to dress up for anyone?” she bit back with a snarky grin. “Or should I ask you who you’re all pretty and kilted up for in return? Showing all that leg like a right harlot.” Emmeline had always had a special bond with Alastor ––– one that she held dear to her heart. In certain ways, he was almost like the father figure she’d always wanted and needed in her life. Well, a scar-addled father figure that grumped and grumbled like a disgruntled grizzly bear, but cared immensely, nevertheless. “I know a number of us that would do a far better job than that joke.” Not herself, of course, Merlin fucking forbid. 

“Aw. Was that a compliment? Just wait until I tell the other two, they’ll be tickled pink over that.” Though, really, she knew exactly what her boss was saying. He, more than anyone, knew what a cohesive unit could achieve, especially in matters such as their current operation.

The coded mention of Snape had her raising her brow, however. “When you say words, do you really mean it, or did you toss the sod around a bit?” Biting at her bottom lip for a spell, she turned her gaze back toward Alastor. “Should we even be trusting Dumbledore at this point?” It was a bold claim to make, both in public and in front of her fellow auror. He and Dumbledore were friends, after all. Good ones, at that. 

Emmeline gripped her drink tighter in her fingers, let out another short sigh, and gave a swift nod of agreement after a beat. Truthfully, she didn’t trust Snape either. It was a good call, and she knew it. “Yeah, ‘course. You got it. I’ll watch him like a hawk. Anything else?” 

Felix knew he shouldn’t have come. He shouldn’t have put them in this situation; shouldn’t have felt the feelings bubbling up inside of him like some unavoidable volcano. And yet, here he was, standing in her flat, thinking about the last time he was in this flat and what they’d done then. He closed his eyes for a moment, letting those memories fade away, as best as he could, but when he opened his eyes, there was only Emmeline. There was always Emmeline.

He swallowed at her question, leaning against the counter in her kitchen. “They’re both good, yea,” he said, nodding his head. “I mean they were always… they’re themselves. Left you and Gid and they were the first to start helping other people out.” A small chuckle followed those words and he looked down at his hands. He knew it was wrong of him to not have that instinct first, or, maybe he just wasn’t as wholeheartedly good as his siblings. Either way, he was learning. From them. From Emme. From Gid. It was like getting a restart on a life that he wasn’t particularly proud of .

There was nothing else he could do, really, then tell her why he was really here. It was a strange feeling, this emotion in his chest. Heavy and hollow at the same time, looking at her, knowing that this conversation might change whatever it was he was repairing between them. And still, he couldn’t help but whisper out two small words that might change everything, “Lo siento.” They were out before he could stop them and Felix laughed a bit at them, shaking his head to try and rid himself of the thoughts now coursing through his brain. “I’m sorry, Emme. For what I did, right before…”

A deep breath followed those words, the clarification, even though she would likely know exactly what he was saying. Feeling braver now that they were out in the open, he met her eyes, and then in Spanish said, “I was a coward, as I often am, and I just couldn’t stand the thought of losing you… I thought it’d be easier if I just went. Saved you the trouble.” Got the heartbreak out of the way early, is what he’d thought, really, that day. If she were going to leave him, or he was going to leave her… at the time the thought of Susan’s mother was so fresh that he felt like he might mess everything all up again. Of course, he had, but in the moment the fear didn’t let him think about other consequences.

´ ･ .  ✶ –––––––––––––––

It was staggering how fast everything between them began to unravel at the seams. Emmeline had only just started to fiddle with her kettle when the soft timber of Felix’s voice resounded at her side. She hadn’t even realized he’d moved closer to her ( too close ). It was disarming. He was disarming, and his apology that quickly followed infinitely more so. And it hurt. Merlin, it hurt so fucking much. Every single word he spoke felt as though her heart was being relentlessly dragged through a bed of shattered glass.  

He couldn’t stand the thought of losing her? Did he really say that? No. Bullshit. It was complete and utter bullshit. 

For a long, weighted moment, all Emmeline could do as her emotions flared wildly was stare up at Felix with wide, disbelieving eyes until, unbidden, an unrestrained, caustic laugh scraped past her lips; quick, ugly, and harsh. “Are you serious . . . ? Easier? You thought it was easier? Easier for who, Felix?” she bit out, but, to her horror, her voice broke off into a choked sob on his name. In a pathetic, last-ditch attempt to hide just how vulnerable she was ( how vulnerable he made her feel ), she tried to turn her face away from him, but knew, ultimately, it wouldn’t do any good. 

There had been no time for her to truly process what’d happened between her and Felix before she died. And Rowena knew she’d been pushing back everything and then some since waking up in the past with the single minded goal of changing things and saving all those that fell the first time. She truly thought it would work ( it wasn’t at all the first time she’d closed herself off or shoved feelings to the side ). She thought she could handle it. She thought she was strong enough, but no. She wasn’t. Not now. Not here. The constant buildup of repressed feelings and fear and heartbreak was far too much. It was near ready to break under the pressure, and violently. “Just . . . forget it. Please. That entire night was a huge fucking mistake. We don’t need to do this,” she said briskly, brokenly; trying to ignore the traitorous tears carving paths down her cheeks as she made to walk out of the kitchen and as far from Felix as she possibly could get before she completely broke down. 

sirixsblxc:

Sirius felt an all too familiar sting of emotion in his gut as Remus spoke. And it was insane to be jealous of what his friend had lost. But, it was the fact that he had had it. He had had the life that Sirius had always yearned for. To have someone to love, to have a family that he could call his own, it’s all he’s ever wanted. But his hope of that had been taken away the night Marlene had been killed before he could even fully realise what he had felt for her. Ever since then his life had a consistent edge of loneliness that had never went away. And he knew it was a new level of selfish for him to wish that someone else felt like that too. Yet that was now two of his friends that had gotten married and had a kid and he hated himself for feeling as though he had been left behind. They deserved happiness, after all. Life just always had different plans for him.

But he didn’t know how to explain that, to anyone. It was much easier to disguise his feelings as annoyance at Remus keeping it a secret. Anger at it being his cousin he chose. When really the thought of one of his closest friends actually being family gave him the smallest amount of joy yet there was no point focusing on that. Instead he just did what he was used too and pushed all feelings aside until he was numb as he glared at Remus’ outburst. So much for a fun game.

“I think we should stop playing.” He muttered as he finished off his beer and glanced at Emmeline as if silently begging for help. What was he even meant to say? He wished someone would just tell him how to act. He’d never been good at dealing with sensitive situations. More often than not he just ended up makings things worse when he let his emotions reach a breaking point. And he’d already done that. He felt utterly helpless right now. And it didn’t help that he felt as though he didn’t know how to talk to Remus right now. This was a part of Remus’ life Sirius knew nothing about. Godric, he had doubts that he knew Remus at all anymore after everything they have been through. Both together and separately. “This isn’t a topic to discuss while drunk I’m…I’m sorry. It was wrong to bring her into this.” It took a lot for Sirius to swallow his pride and apologise for anything. But he could admit he was fully in the wrong for bringing Tonks into the game. If it could even be called a game anymore.

( @mccnylupln· )

Remus thought relief would flood over him once he told his friends the truth, but it was nausea that he  felt when he finally stopped talking. It felt so wrong to be garnering their sympathy for the loss of a child that had never existed — for fatherhood that he’d never been blessed with. It was when Emmeline connected the dots — He was your son? — that Remus began to shake. Your son. Like it was unbelievable. And maybe it was. As he looked at the life that existed only in his mind, it felt like it was just some weird story he’d manufactured to cope. 

He saw how his friends wore fatherhood like a badge; how the mere responsibility of a child had turned them into a new type of person. But he was the same Remus. Remus had a life where, for most of it, he was alone. It was how he knew to live — independently, without anyone around to hurt him. It was how he had to live.

“Don’t apologize. You found out what you wanted.” He was being cruel to Emmeline for no reason. It wasn’t her fault that he hadn’t told anyone and instead had to admit his secrets in a silly game like this. Yet he still felt hurt. He turned to Sirius, his eyes cold. “But you. You knew. And instead of confronting me you wanted me to admit it like it was some kind of dirty little secret.” He didn’t realize how hard he was breathing until he stopped talking. He put the now empty drink down on a desk and shook his head. “I’m honestly not sure if you’re mad it was your cousin or if you’re just jealous…” 

He swallowed hard. “Yeah. I don’t think we should keep playing. Maybe we should start actually taking our job seriously and keep to ourselves for the next few hours.” He looked at the both of them. It was partially his fault, but selfishly he wanted to blame them for having things lead this way. “At least that’s what I feel like doing.”

´ ･ .  ✶ –––––––––––––––

Emmeline couldn’t help but flinch back a bit at Remus’ cold response towards her. Though, really, she deserved it. It had been childish, what she’d done. She could tell that Remus had been off practically the whole night ( and even before long before then, if she were being honest ), and while yes, she had been incredibly pissed about his rather insensitive question, she’d taken it too far and hurt her friend deeply in the process. The whole night was just turning out to be a nightmare.  

Before she could try and offer up another apology, however, Remus was turning back over towards Sirius and cutting him deep with his words. But it was the mention of jealousy had her mouth dropping open in complete shock. Now that was something she definitely knew she shouldn’t have been around to hear. But it was too late now. Shit. “Hey, don’t do that. Both of you. We all got carried away with this bloody stupid game,” she tried to soothe between them. “And you’re right, Remus. We should get back to our jobs.” Ignoring the fact that Remus had been completely on board with with drinking and goofing off a short time ago. Emmeline knew when and where to pick her battles. 

“Don’t you think?” she added as she turned to look over at Sirius, hoping with everything in her that he wouldn’t continue this little verbal battle with Remus. He seemed incredibly apologetic for what had happened with the mind-boggling confession, but Remus was still lashing out in his anger. The last thing any of them needed was for this mess to escalate any further. 

It was good to hear that Emmeline understood how she was feeling. Marlene hoped there were more and they wouldn’t be alone in their new and complicated feelings towards The Order and Dumbledore as their leader. She had been slightly worried everyone else would stick by his side no matter what, but everyone seemed to be as fuck up as she was. “Anyway, thanks for letting me rant,” she said with a slightly chuckle trying to lighten the mood between them. Marlene didn’t want to be a complete energy drain on the evening even if she was in a bad mood. 

“Fine, but next time I want to be in the fun group.” If there even was a next time. She tried to push that thought away. “Or we should just have fun on our own time - I can’t remember when we last all got together and it wasn’t for an Order meeting. Lily and James’ wedding I think. We need an excuse for a party. A party with less hearts.” She wrinkled her nose looking around at the decoration with faint disgust. “And free flowing booze.” 

“Yeah, yeah I’ll stay safe, mum. You don’t need to worry about me” 

´ ･ .  ✶ –––––––––––––––

“Anytime, love. You know that,” she said, her voice going soft and fond as she offered the other girl a gentle smile despite all the madness that was surely looming around the corner, just waiting for them. Honestly, it was instances like this that really made her realize just how much she had missed Marlene; how big of a hole her death left behind all those years ago. Even now, with it being over a month since they’d all been brought back in time, it still felt inordinately odd to be speaking with her again as though nothing had ever happened. 

Emmeline let out a rather loud laugh at her friend’s insistence. “You’re more than glad to join us. I encourage it, in fact. Hell, I don’t think I can remember the last time I went out for any kind of get together.” Well, ones that didn’t involve fighting and rebellion and cheating death, that is. Though there had been plenty of booze, and she’d never say no to more. Especially now. 

“Oi, watch who you’re calling mum over there.” she teased, playfully offended. “Rowena knows that I’m probably the least maternal person on the whole bloody planet and would be a terrible mother. I’m more suited to the messy, drunk aunt, I think.”  

felixbcnes​:​

The world seemed right again with the two of them by his side. Felix still could feel his mind running a mile a minute; still could feel himself searching for Amelia or Edgar in the chaos behind Emmeline. But, every time his eyes returned to her face, he could feel himself calm. Gideon’s hand on his other arm steadied him. They kept him rooted to the ground.

“You’re mad if you think we’re leaving you here,” he said, softly, grabbing her hand on his shoulder and giving it a soft kiss. “We’re coming with you.” Felix hadn’t told either of them that he was part of the Order yet, but he supposed they’d figure it out soon enough. Tonight wasn’t the night, he knew, but that didn’t mean he wasn’t about to live up to his newly assigned status. Felix had joined. He would be brave with them. Together. “I’m not leaving you. Either of you–” He paused at the look on Gideon’s face, knowing exactly what that look meant. Gid used to give it to him all the time, when he wanted to follow him into danger; when he knew that it would be too dangerous for either of them. He knew that look so well because he used to give it Gideon all the time. “Don’t you dare give me that. I’m not leaving.”

The word came out rougher then he’d meant it, harder, but he couldn’t help but think about the way he’d lost both of them. They hadn’t had to live through those losses. They hadn’t had to survive so many deaths that it felt like his own soul had died along with them. Felix hadn’t gone on some wild hunt for the people who had hurt them, but he had disappeared into himself. Only Susan was able to bring that side out of him again, the light, the laughter. And now that he was back here, with those people, his people, he wasn’t going to lose it.

Godric, never again. 

“Together,” he repeated, looking at both of them and grabbing both of their hands and gently pulling them both closer. “Or not at all. Y’argue with me, and I’ll just follow along anyways.” Felix’s voice was low now, thick with emotion, and he scanned both of their faces, hoping that his plea wasn’t going to be written off.

@gidprewxtt​

The words had felt wrong as they left his lips. Since when did Gideon run from danger? He had yet to rejoin the Order and he was unsure if he even would. He was missing half of himself. Fabian was out there somewhere and had yet to reappear. Or worse he hadn’t come back with Gideon. He felt he couldn’t move. He couldn’t make any decisions without him. Yet life kept on going and decisions had to be made. Life didn’t stop because people were missing from it. The thought of Emme or Felix remaining in danger was enough to drive him mad. He couldn’t fathom losing them. 

Still Emmeline was right. She couldn’t leave. The Order had had a plan that night and though he wasn’t clued in on the details he knew this couldn’t be part of it. She had to stay and so did he. He was a healer and there were people who would need his help. Things had to be sorted but surely Felix could get himself to safety. The man had hated Gideon being in the Order. Had left him over it even so surely he could be convinced to leave now. He was about to open his mouth to try to convince him to leave when Felix started speaking. 

The tone of his voice and the look that he gave to Gideon brought him up short. How many times had he done the same thing to Felix? Given him the don’t argue with me look and sent him off to safety? He didn’t think anything could be said to make him leave now. It left him feeling lost for a moment. Felix seemed more sure of himself now. He was certainly more take charge and Gideon felt perhaps he needed to get to know him all over again. 

“Felix I really do wish you would get to safety. Both of you. I know you won’t but I had to say it. Emme of course we aren’t going to leave you here on your own. We need to find out what went wrong and try to get people to safety. I don’t think the people on our side are the only ones who came back with their memories.” It seemed the death eaters might have come back with them as well. Their attack was too well planned. 

@emmvxnces​

The burst of searing anger that rushed through her veins at both men’s staunch refusals to get to safety was so strong that she even felt her face grow hot with it. Why couldn’t they just listen to her, for Merlin’s sake. Emmeline, in that moment, wanted nothing more than to just haul off and scream right then and there; to demand that they both leave and get out before anything else happened.  

Fuck, she couldn’t lose them. She refused. 

But Felix merely kissed hand and pulled her and Gideon close and talked about them and that they needed to stay together. She had to press her lips together to not say anything cruel. It was the adrenaline and fear bubbling inside her, she knew that; just like she also knew that this wasn’t at all the time for that. People needed help. Evidence needed to be collected. She had a job to do, above all else ( and she’d already fucked that up earlier with Remus and Sirius at their post ). 

With that in mind, Emmeline quickly wiped the residual tears off of her face and straightened herself up as her long-honed auror persona slid across her face and she pulled away from Felix and Gideon by a couple steps. “You can do what you want. I’m sure a lot of people could use a healer,” she said evenly to Gideon, before turning over towards Felix. “And I know you want to find Amelia and Edgar. We can just start here and just work out way through all of this.” It wasn’t a complicated plan in the slightest, but what else could they do? Plus, Gideon was right. This attack didn’t spell anything good for them or their cause. It was clear, now more than ever, that the Death Eaters remembered, which meant Voldemort did too. It was their worst fears realized all in one night. 

Brushing hair from her eyes, and without saying anything else, she moved over towards a large pile of debris and rubble and began to move it aside to try and make another path for people trying to leave the ballroom. She could see that there were those that were hurt and struggling to maneuver themselves or be maneuvered around by others. The more space they had, the better things would be and they could escort more people safely.  

This might be the worst idea he’s ever had, and still he stands at her doorstep. Hands in pockets, waiting for the door to open, Felix thinks it might be a million years before he finally sees her face. Her question caught him off guard, not because he wasn’t expecting it, but because he still couldn’t find the right words for it himself. What was he doing here? The real reason, was that he couldn’t stop thinking about her; that he couldn’t get Emme’s face out of his mind. 

The last time they spoke, Lix was plagued by these same thoughts. Or, not plagued, although love always felt like that to him after Susan’s mom. It had felt wrong, like a pair of pants that were too tight, and with Emme… Well, with Emme it had felt the way it’d felt with Gideon, and that terrified him in a way that he would never fully be able to understand.

But now, he was back here, and even looking at her all he wanted to do was kiss her and tell her the truth that he loved her, but he couldn’t find the words, and he stammered over them as she kept asking questions, until finally, he managed out, “I can come back… I mean, if now’s a bad time–” He cut himself off and then shook his head. “Actually, if you don’t… If you tell me to go, I think I might burst, so, uh, mind if I make us a cuppa?”

There was the truth of the matter. He needed her; needed her in the way that he’d only ever needed one other person before in his life. Even Susan’s mom, who he loved very much, had never been the same as Gideon or now, Emmeline. The way he felt about her made his stomach ache, just looking at her, and he leaned in the doorframe. “I’m sorry… I don’t mean to be such a… nibbler. I just– Lia & Eddie have been camping out at my place but I missed you, mariposa. I…” He took a deep breath, meeting her eyes. “Can I come in?” The last time he’d asked that, he’d made the biggest mistake of his life, and he hoped, this time, he could hold it together long enough to give her the explanation that she deserved. 

´ ･ .  ✶ –––––––––––––––

She could feel the threat of tears beginning to press behind her eyes, and his words ––– and that damn nickname, fuck ––– certainly didn’t help matters in the slightest. He’d burst if she told him to leave? He missed her? Rowena above, was that bloody rich coming from him.

. . . But she’d be a right liar if it didn’t make her stomach give a traitorous, fluttering swoop, too. 

When he asked if he could come into her flat, Emmeline felt her entire body tense up like a spooked rabbit ––– the question excruciatingly familiar. Meanwhile, her brain viciously screamed at her to tell him no, and instead, slam the door right in Felix’s face and give him just taste of how it felt to be so suddenly and cruelly rejected. But her damn heart. It was quicker and louder, and, before she was able to really register it, she’d taken the lead and opened her door wider to allow him to step inside with a quiet “come on.” She knew, without a shred of doubt, that this was a huge mistake. She knew it, but she also knew, deep down ––– beyond the towering steel walls of self-protection that she’d built when she was just a young girl ––– that they couldn’t avoid this forever.  

Once she’d shut her front door with a soft, resolute click, Emmeline hurried over to her stove to put the kettle on herself. She knew Felix had suggested doing it, but she desperately needed something to do; something to keep her shaking hands busy and keep her somewhat grounded against the emotions rattling at her ribcage. There was an intent to Felix that was practically suffocating, and this time, there was nothing to hide behind. This time, it was just Felix and Emmeline, just as it had been those two nights before she’d been killed and their relationship had changed irrevocably. 

“. . . How are Amelia and Edgar? I’ve seen some of Amelia since the attack, but not much, obviously.” It was all she could think of to say right then; she couldn’t let the silence and rising tension go on any longer lest she lose her mind. 

sirixsblxc·:

Sirius didn’t even realise just how much he needed to hear that Remus trusted him until the words came out of his friends mouth. But he doubted the paranoia would ever fully go away. Too many cracks had been made to fully fill them in one moment. It would take time. At least now he knew the secrecy around Remus’ future wasn’t kept out of a lack of trust. And maybe if Sirius was sober he would just leave it at that and bring the issue up in a better, perhaps more private, time. But he wasn’t sober. And as the questions were getting more and more intense he didn’t feel too bad about what he wanted to ask next.

But after Emmeline has rightfully refused to answer her question, who could pick just one person to save? She got there before him and Sirius chocked on his drink at the unexpected turn before looking between them both. This ‘game’ really was starting to get out of hand. If they wanted to keep their friendship after tonight they really should stop before one of them went too far. Maybe, one some level, it was what they needed. To vent and let out their fears and take it out on each other instead of those that didn’t understand. So Sirius wanted to wait for Remus’ answer regardless of it if was a bad idea or not for Emmeline to push for an answer. If it even came at all. But he was tired of tip toeing around it. If Remus wasn’t going to bring up what was causing the tension between them, then Sirius was going to do it for him. 

“I already know why he didn’t answer.” Sirius said and looked at Remus with a look to say he dared him to lie to his face as he kept talking. It was time for them to stop dancing around why things felt awkward. And if Sirius didn’t bring it up he was going to burst from trying to hold it in. The fact he has lasted this long was a miracle itself. “It’s because he doesn’t want to tell me about Nymphadora. As if I was never going to hear about that from someone else.”

( @mccnylupln· )

Remus narrowed his eyes at Emmeline. He knew his avoiding the answer would come back and bite him in the ass, but he didn’t expect it to be so quickly. Before he could answer, Sirius stepped over him. He turned to face him and found himself clenching his jaw. His blood pressure rose in his neck. He looked between his two friends and realized he suddenly felt cornered. 

“Yeah. That’s right.” He swallowed hard, his brain sending out misfires as he thought about what to say next. No clear thoughts were coming to his mind. He looked at Emmeline. “You want to know what I miss most? I miss being happy. I miss being married to the love of my life and having a son I can hold. I miss finally having something to fucking live for.” His eyes went to Sirius again. He felt his heartbeat get faster and faster. “Is that good enough for you? Do you need me to go into more detail? You want me to talk more about all the good things in my life that I’ll never have again?” He brought his beer back to his lips and finished it, afraid that he’d talk more if he didn’t shut himself up soon. 

Once the bottle was empty he shook his head and looked down at the ground. Fuck. He had tried his best not to think about Nymphadora — to not think about the life that he had so quickly it only felt like a dream. And now his stomach was turning as his memories with her and Teddy came flooding back to him. “Great fucking game, guys. Really lightened the mood.” 

´ ･ .  ✶ –––––––––––––––

“Nymphadora?” Emmeline echoed, her brows scrunched in confusion as she craned her head towards Sirius in the effort to get some kind of clarification on what he’d just said . It was just so pointed and intentional ––– clearly meant for Remus and Remus alone after her impulsive question of the same vein ––– and it didn’t make one bit of sense to her. What on Earth did Tonks have to do with any of this? 

But then she switched her gaze over to Remus as he began to speak, and quite angrily at that. Not that she blamed him. She knew her question was beyond insensitive and insanely invasive on top of that. She should have just let it the fuck go and moved on, but as per usual, her reckless, irascible ( and quite buzzed ) ass had to go and act first and process the consequences later. And fuck were the consequences all too glaring. Emmeline felt her brain spin on its axis as Remus’ words began to register; everything coming together like puzzle pieces locking into place. He’d gotten married? He’d had a son? And then there was Nymphadora. Andromeda had mentioned that she’d had a son named Teddy, but never said who the father was. 

And Remus–––

“Holy fuck,” Emmeline whispered loudly in horror, her free hand flying up to her mouth while the other nearly dropped her beer bottle to the floor. “Teddy. He was your son?” Rowena. Guilt began to tear at her stomach like a swarm of wasps.  This was a fucking disaster. How in the fuck had things devolved this much? But Merlin, did it explain Sirius’ upset and Remus’ mood. It explained it all. And now she was stuck right in the middle. Fuck. But really, why hadn’t Remus said anything? To Sirius, if no one else . . . 

Emmeline met Sirius’ eyes desperately as she frantically tried to come up with what in the world to say. “Remus, I . . . shit. I’m so sorry.” 

If someone told her that she’d be both broken out of jail, and then hugging her old best friend in one night, Narcissa would never have believed you. It would have sounded like some strange lie that someone had concocted just to get her hopes up. A dream, maybe. Or a nightmare. Depending on how this ended. If it hadn’t been Emmeline hugging her, Narcissa wouldn’t be surprised if she ended up with a knife in her stomach by the end of the night. 

But, not Emme. Never Emme. She was always the better of them, really. Narcissa had always known it, and maybe that’s why she’d pulled away in the end; not because of the war, or because of what other rivers divided them. Emmeline deserved better, both in friendship, and in anyone that was in her life. Narcissa never could provide support, or a good shoulder to cry on. She’d been a weapon, as long as she’d ever known. It was safer, to push her friend away.

Here and now, Narcissa couldn’t help but wonder if this second chance meant that she could be someone new; be that girl that Emme saw at school. Be someone worthy of the title friend. She’d never thought she could have that, never dreamed of it, but being here now, that little flicker of hope burned in her stomach, and Salazar did it feel good. 

She pulled away ever so slightly, taking in her friends’ face, making sure that what she was saying was true, before pulling away, hands falling to the pockets of the sweater they had waiting for her. “I’m fine,” she said, finally, shaking her head ever so slightly. “I mean, I’m a fugitive, me, Narcissa Malfoy, but… Otherwise.” A deep breath followed those words and she met Emme’s eyes. “I didn’t mean it, what I said before. You… You’re the first person who would help me, if I needed it. That was rude, and harsh, and… Thank you. For being here.” She was, after all, one of the first people who came. 

´ ･ .  ✶ –––––––––––––––

Emmeline dropped her arms as Narcissa broke their embrace; a small snort of laughter tumbling free at her old friend’s incredulous statement about her current status within in the Ministry and public at large. It was a rather funny reality, wasn’t it? Or maybe funny wasn’t exactly the right word. Ironic? Dismal? “I think we both know you always had that twinge of rebellion in you. Hell, you were around me long enough for it to rub off.” 

It was odd just how easy it was to talk to her again. It truly felt as though no time had passed at all between them. But . . . hadn’t it always been that way with Narcissa? The effortlessness? The comfort? The facile conversations? Sure, there was still that residual hurt and separation and uncertainty, but at its core ––– its foundations ––– it was still them. Their relationship and once resilient bond buried underneath the layers of years lost to war and ripping distance. It was rare that Emmeline found people who she felt she could really and honestly let her guard down around. But Narcissa? She’d been one of them and for a very long time. She understood. She knew her better than anyone once. They’d shared some of their deepest secrets and thoughts with each other that no one else knew. That didn’t fade just because everything else did.

“Hey,” she whispered gently, “You don’t need to apologize. You’ve been through a lot. And considering everything that’s happened, well . . . I can’t exactly say I blame you.” Reaching out, Emmeline grasped Narcissa’s hand in hers and gave it a quick, soft squeeze before letting go. “Don’t thank me. Not for that. I know things between us ––– I just. Of course I’m here.”