Mazelle Joy

Day One - May 25th

That first day in the NICU was hard. We shifted through unending questions, scary thoughts and a rollercoaster of emotions. Trevor and I were experiencing a new love as first-time parents but it was being battled against the gut-wrenching pain of losing our child. The fight was exhausting. The excruciating part that first day was taking in all the hard information. The doctors went over all the details carefully with us trying to help us understand the seriousness and reality of her condition. Some of it seemed mysterious to them. They were still researching everything because there were a lot of unknowns and possibilities. There was no “this was it” answer to it all. That made it more difficult for Trevor and me. To not have a clear answer. Did something happen before the labor began? Did things happen right before she came out? There was meconium when she came out but was that just a factor that took it over the edge? Was there something chronic happening? Was there a history in our family of something that might have caused it? There was this weird thing about her kidneys that when she arrived at the hospital it almost seemed they had been healing making them wonder if something happened in the womb. Did the womb become a safe chamber for her so when she came out it was like unplugging it all and it spiraled from there? It was unknown. Her lungs were badly damaged, her organs were wrecked and her brain had little to no activity. The doctor asked me at one point if I remember her moving. I was blank. I couldn’t remember. I felt like a horrible mother. Why couldn’t I remember?! Why did we not see this coming? It was tearing me a part. Guilt smacked me in the face. When the doctor left the room I remember taking Mazelle’s white blanket and wrapping it around my head and weeping.

So many times the memory of her eyes gazing up at me when she first came out would run through my head. I wanted that moment back. This all happened so fast. So many questions. So much confusion. So much sadness. I couldn’t catch up to reality. I remember one moment listening to my heart and it slowed my thoughts down. Nothing was making it feel better. I wanted to put her back in my belly where she was safe. We wanted to protect her. We wept over her. Thinking about what we would miss without her. The cute outfits. The little shoes. What we would have taught her. Even her cry would be missed terribly. It took the whole day to grasp the reality that we found ourselves in. I could hear a little piece of my heart hoping that it would all change. We didn’t know how long we had. We didn’t know what would be next. We couldn’t believe we were even still here with our daughter. She should have died right away. People were praying for a miracle. The miracle was that she was still here. With her PH balance being so off the charts and the length of time she didn’t have a heartbeat, she should have died right away. Instead she was here. That was a miracle.

Her soft pink skin smelled so sweet you wanted to keep your nose close. We would lean in so we could feel her breathing tummy hit our faces. Talking to her without tears was almost impossible. Mazelle lay there with her arms wide open. Her long hands with tiny fingernails rested on her bed. It was like she was telling us, “Its ok mom and dad. We are here now so lets enjoy this time together.” She was letting us know she wasn’t mad. She was surrendered. I learned so much from her. We called her the giver. Anyone who came to meet her came out loved. Came out changed. Friends & strangers were moved to get on their knees around the world. Mothers and Fathers were holding their children tighter. People were calling out to God after a lifetime of ignoring Him. Her life was a gift to all of us. Our little giver.

I hated that I couldn’t be right next to her every second of the day due to my body being in so much pain. I would stand as long as I could and then sit down. Then sitting down would become painful so I would have to go back to my room to lay down to rest. My body needed to heal but it was so hard to care about that because my room felt so far from Mazelle. I felt so helpless. I would keep her blanket wrapped around my neck and close to my face when it was too hard for my body to physically get down to her room. I decided to pump when I couldn’t be with her too. It helped the craziness in my head. It gave me something to do. When I pumped I would think about her gaze and hold her blanket. Pumping actually brought some fun moments of seeing how much colostrum could come out. I remember one time we decided to go down to Mazelle so I could pump beside her. I put my hands on her legs while my friend Kashema held the pumps for me. I pumped the most colostrum ever being next to her. We would celebrate the little things like that. Those celebrations helped the heavy sorrow that never left our side.

There were some precious moments shared with people that helped the heaviness too. My parents were pillars for us. They too had lost a daughter in a tragic accident. Having them there with us was such a strange comfort. They knew the feelings we were having. Them being there was like a banner saying, “This is NOT ok at all BUT its going to be ok. You’re going to be ok.” They never tried to fluff up anything. They were honest with us. We could draw true comfort from them knowing they knew.

Another person who brought us comfort was Kashema. She had supported me through my pregnancy and labor as my doula and friend. She had arrived back at the hospital that first day after getting some rest at home. When she walked into the hospital room we realized it was just the three of us. We couldn’t thank her enough for being there and we told her we couldn’t have done any of that without her. The labor was long and exhausting and she was there the whole time. She was my cheerleader. She literally held me when I couldn’t hold myself up. We continued to encourage her to pursue her passion as a doula. She couldn’t believe we were telling her this even though we were sitting in such tragedy. It didn’t matter. She needed to know that her support was necessary through it all. And from that day forward she pressed into her role as a doula. We felt so honored that our little daughter could help ignite a passion in Kashema to support women in labor. That support was so important to us.

I will never forget moments shared with my sister Breanna and her fiancé Justin. The picture of them sleeping on the cold hospital floor that first horrible night kept ran through my head. She told me later she prayed over and over again on that floor pleading to God “No, please don’t take her. Give her breath, please.” My sister Breanna watched me sleep. She didn’t leave my bedside. Breanna even helped clean me every time I had to go to the bathroom. I was so weak physically and mentally that I felt helpless to care for my body so she did. I am forever grateful. During the three days in the hospital there was a moment when it was just the four of us. We told them how we were planning to ask them to be Mazelle’s godparents. If anything would ever happen to us, we wanted them to watch over her. But now the reality was Mazelle would leave us instead. We all shared tears of loss and tons of love for her and for each other. Justin shared how much Mazelle changed him. We felt so honored that our daughter was such a precious gift to him.

We had a lot of people come by that first day and we kept hearing about the HUGE response to our family’s tragedy. People around the world were praying. I even heard about prayer happening in the hospital cafe. We had a little worship & prayer session in our room with friends & family. I remember singing my song “Oceans.” My phone was full of notices, messages and phone calls. An unending stream of love notes were being sent our way. We felt so loved. It helped the hurt.

With all the visiting, the overload of information and everything zooming by so fast that first day, Trevor was dying to connect with me. He had been hosting the visitors that day and he needed time. Time to rest. Time to be with his wife. Time with his little girl. Time to grieve together and love together. We decided the next day needed to have lots of time with just him, Mazy and me. Good idea daddy. I feel like when we did that, time slowed down. Its like it almost stopped. Just for us. That night as we tried so very hard to sleep. The overnight doctor had come in and discuss things with us. They had been cooling her little body to see if it would help with brain activity. It had increased a little which gave us much needed hope; however, there had been some recent seizures, which was not good. Yet on the other hand, that showed brain activity, which was good. The information, even though it was a lot of back and forth, actually helped us rest that night. We got up the next morning with newness in our step.

Day Two - May 26th

We knew each time we saw her & spent time with her, we wanted to BE with her in that moment. We treasured each moment as a miracle. It was heartwarming to see Trevor be a father. I fell more in love with him as I watched him talk to his daughter. I wondered if she could feel his love when he touched her and how he looked at her. Trevor had never felt so much in his own skin like he did being with Mazelle and me. The suffering was producing joy. God was giving us faith to believe. We felt like we were lacking nothing. God was there with us. Filling us. Her life was changing us. We knew it was beyond our understanding.

During one of our visits with Mazelle, Trevor put his hands on my cheeks just as we were about to leave her room and said, “God knows her. He has her. He loves her.” I listened intently to his loving voice and agreed. We went back to our room so I could lie down. Before lying down, we stood by the window and soaked in the view. It was beautiful. You could see the glistening ocean water. The sun was shining in the big blue sky. There were beautiful green rolling hills. It was so vast and abundant. The view made us think about how big God is and we were amazed that we were important to Him. I had no idea there was that much love out there for our little family. All the people. All the response. God was wrapping us in love. I remember saying out loud, “God loves me so much.” I went to lie down. Trevor lay beside me. We laid there together looking out the window continuing to take in the view. Continuing to take in the love of God. Thinking about all the people praying for us and our little warrior princess. We were in a place to receive. We knew we wanted to protect her but we knew we couldn’t. There was nothing we could do. Trevor started sharing with me. The words he spoke as I laid there washed over me like healing water. He kept looking out the window as he poured out such life giving truth. God was speaking to us. All of sudden we were both holding our hands up reaching out towards the window releasing our baby girl to the Lord. We both were speaking out loud to God, weeping prayers, calling out and giving up control. We surrendered Mazelle to our loving Father. She was His all along. We were at peace with the war in our heads. It was going to be ok. We were going to be able to get through this. We took a short rest in the small hospital bed. Our bodies were at rest.

Later there was discussion stirring about me being discharged the next day. I couldn’t fathom the idea of leaving the hospital. Leaving my girl there all alone. We were trying to make a plan about it but we just couldn’t make one. As we all fell silent in disarray that we would have to leave, the nurse came in the room literally right after our conversation. She said that things had been worked out and we could stay in the room after my discharge! Well decision made! What a relief and blessing it was to be able to stay. A weight came off my shoulders. My body was still recovering so I was relieved that we would be able to just walk down to her room still. Her room didn’t feel as far away anymore. After the good news, I felt the need to get back to Mazelle’s bedside. We headed down the elevator. As we turned the corner to head down the hallway to the NICU, a mother in a wheelchair was rolling off with her baby in her arms. I blankly stared as I slowed down my walk. It was one of the first times I felt anger. As soon as she passed me by, I flung myself towards the wall and punched it. I leaned my head against it. My gut was full of pain. Trevor immediately came over and wrapped himself around me. He asked, “Do you want to do this right now?” I answered back with no hesitation, “Yes!” I didn’t want the pain to stop me from being with my daughter. No madness would stop me. No anger could hold me down. My daughter was here right now and that was what mattered most. We rushed to her bedside and I soaked her all in. Of course my body started to hurt eventually so I said my goodnight wishes to her before heading back to bed. That night I slept with her blanket tight against me. I couldn’t wait for morning to come so I could get back down to her room.

Day Three - May 27th

The last morning with Mazelle was an extra delight. They put screens up so we could have privacy. It felt intimate more than ever as we were in our own little cocoon. I was feeling a bit better and able to stand for longer. I loved having the energy to be there! I had her white blanket wrapped around my shoulders. I got to rub my breast milk over her big pink bottom lip. I tried to do it as tender as I could. I wanted to just squeeze her lip. It was so cute! Trevor and I did a lot of talking with her and touching her. We smelled her. It felt like we were connecting as a family in a really special way! We were just hanging out like a normal family would. I had longed to do this for almost 10 months! I remember feeling really connected to her and Trevor. The burden was light. God’s presence rested on us as he prepared our hearts.

Later that day we had a big meeting with family and doctors in our room. We got my sister Holly on the phone with us too. She was going to be flying in from Minnesota the next day. I wanted everyone to be a part of this meeting. There were some decisions we had to make after the neurologist had looked over Mazelle. She laid out the facts and our daughter’s condition. No good news. We could have transferred her to another building to get an MRI but that brought risk of her being hurt from the transfer or the chance of tubes getting moved around and coming out. The MRI would only bring us information not really help her situation. Her brain activity was essentially gone. She was ready to be let go. I wasn’t ready to do that though. As a mother, I was not ready. I couldn’t make that decision of pulling anything off my girl. Thinking about that kind of decision, which you never thought ever in your life you would have to make, wrecked me. We all decided we just needed to wait until Holly got there the next day. I needed time and that would allow me time to take in all the new information. I think I still had hope. No I did have hope. Or maybe I wanted to have hope that she would come alive. Trevor had a strong sense in his gut that we would say goodbye this day. He just knew. Everyone left the room to leave Trevor & I alone to comfort each other and rest. A couple hours later, the doctor called our room to tell us her IVs were failing. She gave us a couple of paths we could take next. The least harmful one was to try and poke around to find another place to put the IVs. We gave her that option. Less than an hour went by and the doctor called again to say nothing was working. It was time. It would be this day. We said it was like Mazelle was telling daddy, “I know dad. It is today. You know and I know. I will help mom out so she doesn’t have to make that decision.” What comforts me is I found out later there was a group of ladies praying at one of their homes. They were on their knees pleading for us and one of their specific pleas was that we would not have to make the decision to unplug her. Oh man. And here we were. Mazelle was letting go on her own. There was nothing else that could be done.

They gave us a quiet private room to be with our girl. We took more photos and videos never feeling like we could take enough! Looking at her now was different. This time we were truly saying goodbye. We watched intently to her belly move up and down. We talked with her. We told her we loved her. I remember teaching her math. I used the measurements of how much colostrum I pumped that day to tell her about multiplication. Trevor sang “Isn’t She Lovely” to her. Man she was so lovely. Her beauty was captivating.  The nurse came in to find out if we wanted to give her a bath. You bet we did! I loved rubbing the shampoo in her thick black hair. Trevor rinsed it out. It was heart-warming to watch him be so gentle with her. We changed her diaper for the first and last time. We brushed her hair to get her ready for everyone to hold her. Her eyes were opening a lot. Her foot had moved a couple times. She even seemed to have hiccups. Seeing so much life while getting her ready to say goodbye felt backwards. We wrapped her in the white fuzzy blanket I had been holding those three days. The rest of the family came into the room. We all knew we are just saying “see ya later.” We knew we weren’t saying goodbye forever but we did have to let go of her being here with us. We each sat in a chair and they would place Mazelle in our arms. It started with me. She was so cozy! I could feel her breathe in my arms. I moved my body with hers. I didn’t want the moment to end. Each person would hold her for the first time and the last time. Watching each person hold her was a treasure in my heart. I remember as my Dad held her I could hear him telling her why she would get a spanking. It made me giggle. I had to come over at one point to wash the tears from his eyes so he could see her clearly. I remember Justin telling Mazelle what to say to God when she gets to heaven and thanking her for what she had done for him. My mom cried and looked at her with such care in her quietness. I felt like it was one the first times I saw my mom cry those last three days. I could hear her whispering to Mazelle. One of our pastors was there to say a blessing over her. He told us when he held her he wanted her to wake up so badly but knew this was it. The truth was so hard for all of us to accept. At the same time the burden was light. Her eyes opened up for each person when they held her. We said she was taking snapshots to bring with her to heaven. That made us all smile.

After everyone said their “See ya later” they left the room so it could be just the three of us. We laid in a bed with her in our arms. We talked to each other about her. We starred at her. We couldn’t help but smile when we gazed upon our daughter’s face. All the tubes were gone. It was just her warm body wrapped in her white blanket. We brushed her hair again. She opened her eyes one last time as we lay there with her. She was lovely.  Trevor urged me to get skin-to-skin with my baby girl. He held her for a moment while I took my shirt off. He passed her back to me. Her body still felt warm. I’ll never forget the feeling of her skin touching mine. I was so in love with her.

We kept talking to her as I held her close. Trevor leaned in and we took every second as a miracle. It was calm. It was peaceful. I was so surprised at the peace I felt. Her heart was steady. Peace. It was slowing down. Peace. Her body made a couple smalls jerks and that’s when I knew…she was gone. Peace. I felt like we were being collided with eternity. Like there was an overlap for a second. Like there was this pass off from my arms into His. We took that final step of releasing her to God on May 27th at 8:15pm. Peace. The nurse came in and I let her know. She confirmed by listening to no heartbeat. No breath. I passed her over to Trevor. He felt like he could squeeze her tight. How we had long to do that! We couldn’t do that when she was alive because her body was so sensitive. Before the nurse came back in, I held her awhile standing up and rocked her back and forth in my arms. The nurse brought in a little treasure box to fill up. I laid Mazelle on her bed. That was the last time I would hold her. We got her handprint. We got prints of both her feet. We cut off some of her thick black hair. It was so soft. We put all her hospital bracelets in the box. We put the sign that said her name on her bed in the box. The nurse helped us think of everything. We were so grateful for her. She stayed long after her hours had ended to help us with these last moments. I couldn’t believe her passion to make sure we were taken care of until the very end. As we started to finish up, I didn’t want to touch her. She probably felt really cold. I wanted to remember her warmth against my body. I took one long last look at her. I got really close to her and stared at her beautiful profile. That was the last picture I took of her. Her gorgeous profile. I didn’t want to stay too long after that. Her body was becoming discolored. No life was there. I couldn’t bear to look anymore.  It was time to walk away. Let go for good. Deep breath.

Oh my sweet “always happy” Anja. You were a colorful rainbow shining through the dark clouds of the heavy storm that mommy and daddy were passing through. Grief had flooded our life and our hearts were in pieces. We gripped on to God’s unfailing love and He gave us protection and shelter. As we started to take small steps out of the dried up mud we had been trudging in, you came swooping in like a surprise birthday party. I love surprises so it felt fitting. We actually took a few pregnancy tests just to make sure it was real. You and your sister would have been so close in age and I am sure in friendship. I also came quickly after my older sister had passed away. Anja, you and I share a similar story as both our parents lost a child before us. We both have the wonder of what our older sister would have been like. And I can’t wait to tell you about Mazelle just like my mom told me about Heather. I can actually remember my mom pulling out a photo album to tell me about my sister. I remember the curiosity my young mind had about her. It will be an honor to tell you all about Mazelle, but as I write this now I am so blessed to tell you about your birth story!

For me, a child’s birth story begins at conception. It’s where a mother and child first get to know each other. The child learns the mother’s voice, they eat together and they spend every waking & sleeping hour together. Your story starts right before you were conceived. With a lot of encouragement from others, mommy was moved to start sharing her stories about Mazelle through a blog. I posted my first story on December 18th, 2015 just a couple weeks before you were conceived ;) I guess it was one of the first steps for mommy in getting ready for you. I posted my second blog on December 30th, which was a very special moment for mommy. I wrote & posted that second blog while sitting at a coffee shop. Afterwards I drove home and as I pulled up to our house I noticed the most beautiful rose blooming in our yard. I remember I couldn’t park the car fast enough and went running over to the rose in amazement. The significance of this is two fold. The blog post mommy had just posted talked about a rose and later on in my pregnancy I realized you were being woven in my womb literally around that day I saw the rose! I felt like God was speaking to mommy very specifically that day. I remember feeling very loved by Him.

I love the way you came into the world. You brought your mom so many surprises. When we found out you were a girl, we did it at Mazelle’s gravestone. It had been raining all morning but when we arrived at her gravesite it cleared right up. We had a sealed box full of balloons, which would reveal to us your gender. When we opened that box to pink balloons coming out mommy & daddy were so ecstatic. I was so surprised and happy that I literally hugged one of the balloons. Now this is crazy for mom because I am completely scared of balloons. It was like I had no fear of them in that moment. The joy of you caused me to completely forget my fear. (You can see the silly video we made of us finding out your gender here: https://youtu.be/d2HIrM_FD10). The balloons were an insight to my reality. I would be facing a lot of fears with this pregnancy & birth. And through each one I would be given courage. The fear would be replaced with healing, courage, laughter, singing and grace.

We had taken a trip to Minnesota a few months before your birthday. While there, mommy and her cousin went gallivanting to one of my favorite Minnesota country spots. Last time I went there the lake was frozen over and I was pregnant with your sister. It felt healing to go there to do a photo-shoot of my baby bump with you. You were my rainbow baby. There is an anonymous quote that beautifully describes what rainbow baby means, it goes like this “It is understood that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of any storm. When a rainbow appears it does not mean that the storm never happened, or that we are not still dealing with it’s aftermath. It means that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover, but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy, and hope.”

Carrying a child in the womb before they meet the outside world is precious time. It’s a preparation. Our preparation for you was a lot different than for your sister. We were a lot slower to prepare your room. Not because we had the “second child” syndrome like most parents but in the back of our minds we both had doubts of being able to take you home. Dad and I were hesitant at everything. My emotions were all over the place and sometimes I felt a bit crazy. When we moved to another house after your sister passed your dad had the daunting task of painting over the murals he had created in her room. He described his hesitancy of getting your room together as preparing to leap off a cliff. And one day he took that jump by painting your ceiling with gold triangles (This scripture spoke to daddy during this time 1 Peter 1:7). Both of us were still working through so much as we waited for you. Other parents who had lost children told us to not be surprised by the unexpected heaviness we may feel during such a joyful moment of you arriving. My heart was heavy. I was wrapped up in a paradox of grieving yet rejoicing at the same time. Your life was something to celebrate and rejoice in but the unknowns held me back. My fear stole moments of pure pleasure getting to know you while in my womb. I was scared I would put too much hope in your arrival.

I remember being so sick in my first trimester with you just like I was with your sister. This time though I struggled to have strength through it. Something was blocking my energy and my eagerness to press through the nausea. One morning I was forcing breakfast down and I stopped abruptly. Your daddy looked over at me and noticed tears building up in my eyes. I knew he was waiting for me to tell him why. I worked it up in my voice and cried out, "I can't go through this again if I'm not going to hold my baby!" It was a huge breakthrough for mommy to say that out loud and I just let the tears flow. It made me realize why I was having such a hard time getting through the sickness. I pleaded, “Lord give me grace!” At every turn my body took the pregnancy harder physically. Not only was I sicker, but also mommy had the worst bone and body pains she’d ever had. I could barely walk. My hormones yelled a lot louder and I was full of worry. But worry wasn’t the only thing filling my thoughts dear daughter. I was also filled with riveting wonder as you grew in my belly. I remember the first time I felt you move. I had finally felt energetic and strong one day so I started to clean the house. Man it had felt so good to clean and be able to move my body. It was a little miracle for mommy to feel the nesting come on! At one moment I needed to rest so I sprawled out on our bed. Dad was songwriting so it was nice to lie there and listen to him sing. In the stillness I felt you move! The first movements are always so breathtaking! I wanted to jump up and tell your dad but I also didn’t want to miss any of your movements. I wanted to soak you all in. There you were, moving inside of me. Precious life was kicking, jumping and exploring the womb. It was comforting to feel you move. I remember one morning you seemed to stretch out both your arms and your legs all at once! Oh man did I squeal! I told you that you were in trouble. Ha ha!

My last week of pregnancy with you was full of anxiety and sleeplessness. I was grinding my teeth at night which is always a sign to me I have a lot on my mind. I was nervous and getting impatient. Were you going to be ok? Was I going to be ok? Will I feel connected to you? Will I distance myself because I will try to protect myself? Will I miss something? Will I actually get to meet you? That last week before you came was also full of hopeful preparation, joyful expectancy and showers of thanksgiving. It was like a flower bud waiting to bloom in the spring and I was being so careful to wonder at it. I prayed I could view you and everything going on with new eyes and see the joy. Oh the delight that was coming! Oh the thrill it would be when we would see your face & hold you in our arms! Oh to hear you sing tears of life would be the sweetest melody to our ears! I pleaded again, “Lord! Give us grace.” I so badly wanted to know what it was like to hear my child cry and feel your warmth in my arms! I continually prayed, “Lord I am a mess. I need you to sustain me through this. Please give me grace.”

The Wednesday before you came your daddy and I lay wide awake in the middle of the night. We both tossed and turned for hours trying to fall asleep. No luck. It was about 4am when daddy realized we both were not headed back to any kind of slumber. He started telling me about his plans for his studio shed. He was looking forward to his new space to work on music, as your room was now becoming a nursery. As we lay there we also talked about the idea of going for a walk. We didn’t jump to the idea that’s for sure and instead we tried going back to sleep. I couldn’t. I was too restless. I quickly sat up as if there was a sudden earthquake.

“What are you doing?” daddy asked. I buried my face in my hands and said, “I don’t know!” and started to cry. He rubbed my back reassuring me with his tender loving voice, “You are doing such a good job honey.” He paused and then asked, “You want to go on that walk and get some donuts?” “Yes!” I said with relief. I mean, who could say no to a donut?

It was about 5am when we left the house. We grabbed our donuts, a cup of coffee and we were on our way to Lake Murray. It was surprisingly cool outside. We were having outrageously hot days so it felt so refreshing. Daddy and I walked hand and hand as the sun rose over the horizon. We stopped to soak in the rise of colors. I turned to Trevor and said, “Thank you,” and squeezed him tight. He asked, “For what?” I tried to explain but only tears came. He knew I had no words for it and he squeezed me back.

The next morning came, Thursday September 24th. Your due date had arrived. I of course was restless again in the early hours of the morning. Daddy looked sound asleep this time so I left on a walk to the lake by myself. Man did I power walk! It felt so good to walk these last couple mornings, as I hadn’t really been able to walk outside because of the extreme heat. It was rejuvenating! As I walked I thought about a lot of things. One thing I remember was confessing I knew God had perfect timing. He always had and would. I looked down the winding path I was walking on and pictured my life just as curvy not knowing what the next turn would be like. All my life there have been surprising turns. Some good. Some bad. There was a turn coming up on the road for our family soon. When were you going to come? How would you come? One thing I had been feeling anxious about was my family not being there for your birth. I felt like your birth was going to be so beautifully healing for all of us and I didn’t want any of them to miss out on such a celebration. Alas, I had to know that whatever happened would be good, right and perfect. I stopped walking and paused as the sun came out. I took a deep breath as I soaked in the cool air and asked again, “Lord give me grace.” I finished my walk and headed home. When I got home, I lay back in bed and squeezed in with your daddy. He held me close and put his hands on my tummy. Man you moved like crazy! Daddy could feel your hands & feet reach out so far. It seemed like you were getting restless just like your mommy ;)

Your due date had passed and that next morning we decided to go out for breakfast with the whole big family. As I was gathering my things to leave the house, I felt compelled to put on my Mazelle necklace. I wore that necklace everyday for so long after your sister died. I think it was sometime right before I knew I was pregnant with you, I decided not to wear it everyday anymore. It felt like a step in the process of healing I had to make. I still wore it on days she was really on my mind or I needed a connection.  When I was planning out my birth plan for you, I knew one thing that I needed with us was your sister’s necklace. So it was funny that I felt compelled to put it on. Maybe I was having one of those moments when I wanted to feel connected. Maybe your sister was telling me, “Ok mom. It’s almost time to meet my little sister.”

At the family breakfast, I confessed to everyone all the feelings I was having and how I was worried that some would miss your birth. It broke my heart to think that would happen. Everyone listened so carefully and encouraged my restless heart. I love our family! Such tender hearts. After breakfast with the fam mommy headed out to her chiropractor appointment and met back up with everyone at the beach. I decided not to swim. It seemed like too much work to get into my swimsuit. Instead I went for a solo walk. Watching the ever-changing waves crash and spill across the sandy floor reminded me of something a friend told me once. It was about God’s creative handiwork on each different wave. The shoreline is full of changes as each new wave comes in and out. I watched and listened to the changing shoreline.  A couple words that came to me as I waited for your birthday were Trust & Surrender. So during my walk I remembered the old song I Surrender All and started to sing it out loud towards the ocean. God is such a deep mysterious ocean to me. So easy to jump in but to know Him is an eternal quest.  It was so releasing to sing. As I headed back to our beach spot I was getting hot. I had my feet in the cold water as I walked. It felt so pleasant that I was compelled to go swimming after all. I didn’t want to walk all the way to the bathroom to change. The staircase looked so overwhelming.  So with a little finesse the family held up towels around me creating a safe changing room for me to put on my swimsuit right there at the beach! I made daddy go in the water with me. He was hesitant but he did it for me. I slowly walked deep into the water while your dad walked beside me so I could hold onto him. The waves crashing over me were such a sensation of God washing over me. I was smiling cheek to cheek. Daddy even helped me squat so I could take a pee break! As we started to walk back to shore I stopped to lift my hands up and took a deep breath. Surrender. God had carried me through so much. I knew I could trust Him.

We headed to the bathroom to change and I showered off the sand as much as I could. I headed to my midwife appointment with your daddy and your grandmas.  My midwife was Janna who I’d seen most of the time during my prenatal appointments so I was glad I got to see her one last time. We decided to check if I was dilating yet. We didn’t look at the last appointment because I didn’t want to stir up my emotions too soon but this time I was ready. I was 2cm and nice & stretchy. Last time it took me awhile to get that big. It was encouraging and we were all in good spirits. We also decided to swipe the membranes. It was kind of funny how it happened. After Janna had checked how big I was, she was still down there and asked me if I wanted to do it and I said, “Go for it!” with no hesitation. I giggled with excitement. There was courage in my gut and I was ready to jump of the cliff to meet you!

Janna also gave me homework: Eat dates, work on my spinning baby exercises and get a couple other items to help the process along. We headed to the grocery store to get the needed items and then to a pizza joint for lunch around 2 o’clock. After eating I really needed to go to the bathroom. I wiped and there it was, the mucus plug! As I walked back to our table I also noticed contractions coming. They were inconsistent but they were not leaving. I called my friend and doula Kashema (who also supported me at your sister’s birth) to let her know that we would be picking her up after lunch. The contractions weren’t leaving and we thought if I could have her help me do some of the spinning baby exercises we could get things moving along. She packed her bag as if she was going to be with me for a while just in case. She knew it was time. wink wink.

4 o’clock rolled around and we didn’t need anything to help us along. The contractions were starting to be consistent and a bit stronger. I hung out in the kitchen eating dates and listening to the worship playlist I made. One technique mommy was using to get you in a better position for birth was pulling my tummy up a little with my back straight and squatting at each contraction.  I would lean over and rest my arms & head on the counter during the breaks. My sisters had arrived at the house by then. My birth team was all there so it was time for a dance party. Whoop Whoop! We all got our groove on and after a few songs I needed to take a break. Daddy grabbed his guitar and him & Kashema sang songs while mommy sat on the birthing ball with the AC hitting my back. As I watched them sing I focused on Kashema holding her little girl Naielle. It was a beautiful picture for me. Naielle was really Kashema’s rainbow baby just like you were for me. She too had grieved a lot over Mazelle. She went through her own journey of great loss and healed right alongside us each and every day. And now here she was holding her little one as she supported us for your arrival!

After awhile mommy realized she was getting a little tired so I labored on our bed. My sisters hung out with me there. Breanna lay on the bed next to me as she was in her first trimester of pregnancy and still very nauseous. Holly helped by rubbing my back and pressing on my hips. Holly had an unstable task. I seemed to change my mind so many times where I wanted her to massage & press. She was so kind with me as she listened and changed positions for me each time. Kashema came over and handed me my Mazelle heart rock, which I had received on Mazelle’s 1st birthday. On her birthday, the midwives from the birth center where I birthed Mazelle had searched and found a rock shaped as a heart while we all walked on the beach and remembered her. During a contraction I would squeeze the rock and then rub it during the breaks. At this point I realized I had put Mazelle’s necklace on that morning. The thought gave me strength. I felt like I heard, “Go mommy go!” After awhile I was starting to have a tiny bit of bloody show. We called the birth center to let them know our status and they were glad to hear how things were going. We were waiting for the famous 4-1-1 as we didn’t want to have to go back and forth like we did last time. When I would go pee we noticed that sitting on the pot was helping labor move along so I stayed there. I would grip onto daddy so hard during each contraction. They were getting very intense and 4-1-1 came upon us. I could see all the ladies walking past the doorway as the packed everything up and soon we were headed out the door! It was just after 10 o’clock. Who knew that only in a couple hours you would make your entrance. Mommy thought she had so many hours to go. HA!

As we drove to the hospital, daddy played the “I Surrender All” song and we sang our hearts out. Kashema called Crystal who was Mazelle’s midwife to tell her we were on our way to the hospital. I wanted Crystal to be with us during the celebration of your birth. She was part of our family’s healing as she too healed alongside us. She said she hopped in her car and zoomed down to San Diego as fast as she could because she had a feeling you were not waiting around to come out. As we pulled up to the hospital, I got out and leaned against a pole as a contraction came quickly. I wanted to put my pants on but daddy & Kashema insisted the long pajamas that I had on were fine. For some reason I kept saying I needed to put them on but they helped me realize it was ok. We entered the quiet empty hospital and asked if the check-in lady needed anything from us. She said no and told us to go right on up to the birth center level to check-in. As we walked away, a big contraction came and I squatted down as Kashema & daddy held me. The check-in lady was thrown off by it and thought something was wrong so she wanted us to hold on so a tech guy could follow us up the elevator. She kept asking questions. I yelled, “Stop asking questions!” I was thinking I am just a woman in labor don’t freak out lady. Ha ha! As soon as the contraction was done I was not waiting around of course. I knew I needed to keep moving. We headed for the elevator but another contraction came before we could get to it. I took a big squat and the water came pouring out. Man I am so glad I didn’t put my pants on like daddy & Kashema insisted on! In the middle of the hallway, there I was… squatting as water spread across the hallway floor. “Clean up on isle 5!” As I finished I just waddled away towards the elevator as they yelled to have someone come clean it up. No one was really around because it was late at night so they just had to leave it so they could keep following me. I had another contraction right before entering the elevator. More water puddled in the hallway. And then at the birth center check-in desk, I did another squat of what I call “water puddling.” We found out later that my mom & sister walked by one of the puddles and wondered if that was from me. I guess I was leaving them a trail to find us!

We were placed into a holding room where they did a stress test and checked everything. I didn’t like the vibe of the holding room. One thing that helped me be in there was the vase of yellow roses I had your grandpa get me. Four roses. During my labor with Mazelle, I had three. Now it was four! It was a beautiful sight. As they checked me they found I was 6cm. We were moving along quite nicely! I was trying to stay very relaxed. I kept telling myself, relaaaaax. I wanted to conserve my energy for pushing. I remember feeling you move the whole time I labored. I was hypersensitive to your movements because of our story with your sister. I would tell daddy that I could feel you move. I think it not only helped me but everybody in my birth team to know you were moving. I remember trying to lie down on my back on the bed. Oh man I did not like that! I yelled right away to get me out of that position! I sat in a wheelchair instead while they finished the tests. Not too long after that they were able to wheel me into the laboring room. It felt so good to be on the move. It meant getting closer to meeting you.

We arrived at our room. We had seen that same room during our hospital tour so it made daddy and mommy feel very comfortable. I stayed in the wheelchair as three nurses tried to get the IV needle in me. They could not find a good straight vain so it was taking quite the effort & time to figure it out. As I sat there I tried to stay relaxed and treasure the moment. The contractions were almost unbearable but my focus on you got me through each one. All o f sudden I heard Chrystal’s laugh. She had arrived! I remember saying aloud “I hear someone’s laugh!” I was so happy to know she made it. Seeing her face comforted me. The contractions started to have a bit more grunt to them. I was becoming so uncomfortable but trying so hard to be patient with the nurses. After what seemed like forever they finished and I said I needed to use the restroom. I had a contraction and after it ended Crystal and Kashema got ready to help me to the toilet. I wanted to pee one last time before the pushing stage started. I didn’t want a full bladder or anything to be in your way of coming out. The nurse left the room to grab a birthing ball because everyone decided sitting seemed to be the best thing for me. It was the only way I was comfortable. Trevor left to go call your grandma Rosie to let her know we probably had a few hours to go. As I walked to the bathroom it was like the room became empty because everyone left to go do something. We all thought there was still a lot of time left but little girl you were just about to make your entrance. As I walked to the bathroom I remember looking around and asking, “Where is Trevor? I need Trevor” because I really liked bearing down on him. We got to the toilet before he could get back from calling grandma Rose. Kashema would be the one to hold me while Crystal was right beside me holding the wireless equipment of the monitor. My ladies were with me. I knew I would be ok.

As soon as I sat down on the toilet, I pulled down on Kashema’s shoulders aggressively hard and yelled, “SHE’S COMING!!” Right when I had sat down, your head crowned and that horrid ring of fire arrived! Oh wow what a burn! Man you surprised me! You surprised everyone! Crystal got down on her knees and saw the top of your head crowning. She didn’t hesitate to hold your head in there. The nurse came running into the bathroom in a panic and told me not to have the baby in the toilet. Crystal and Kashema were telling her to stay calm because her panic was making everyone else panic. My ladies did such a good job of keeping me calm by talking to me. As Crystal kept her hand on you mommy realized how glad she was that Crystal was right there. I mean really she had arrived just 10 minutes before this! (A couple months later I realized how the long waiting game for the nurses to find a good spot for the IV in my arm gave Crystal time to get there! Thank you God for creating space when I thought it was an inconvenience).

Your auntie Holly saw that grandma & auntie Breanna were frozen so she came in the bathroom and Kashema said, "Where's Trevor? Go get Trevor!" Holly ran to get him. Your dad said Holly’s face had such a look of emergency that it freaked him out. She said, “You need to come now” so of course your dad came running into the bathroom. All of this had come so unexpected! You really do like surprising us. I remember it was pretty chaotic outside of the bathroom. When daddy got there his eyes were wide and asked what was happening. The ladies told daddy you were coming and they needed to help me to the bed. I remember thinking how the heck am I supposed to get all the way over to the bed! I took a deep breath, paused for moment to get my focus on you again and then told them I was ready. Daddy and Kashema walked me to the bed while Crystal had your head cupped in her hand. When I got to the bed, I turned to all fours while Crystal guided me on pushing. Crystal’s prayer was that she would have some hand in helping your arrival and here she was literally holding your head and helping me push! Trevor got onto the bed near my head so I could use his back as a table to lean on. I held onto Kashema’s hand. Your grandma & aunties were watching you come out. I barely had to push as Crystal handed off your head to Rebecca the midwife on duty, they turned your body (I screamed “Oh that burns!”) and you came slithering out in seconds! Whoa there tiger! I don’t think I even pushed for one minute!

They showed me you before I flipped over. I quickly swung off my clothes and they handed you to me. You were SINGING! Everyone was crying too! I saw the tearful cheers in the room at each cry you made and everyone started hugging each other and rejoicing! I was actually the only one not crying in the room. I was riding up a roller coaster and the big drop was about to come. I swooped down and let out a joyful laugh. I was laughing! I thought I was just going to go pee real quick but instead I pushed out a baby real quick! You surprised me little girl! I couldn’t believe you were here! You were curled up on my skin and I couldn’t take my eyes off of you. Any fear of not being able to connect with you was gone. You made it. I was gleaming with joy and thanksgiving. Daddy kept his hand on my arm and stared down at the two of us with so much love in his eyes! You didn’t take long to find my breasts either and I think you fed for a good hour. After you fed, you curled up on me and I sang to you “This little light of mine” which I sang to you while in the womb. Each person came up to say hello. Even one of Mazelle’s NICU nurses was able to come say hello. She had been made aware I was in labor and was ready if needed per my request when thinking through my birth plan. I tell you what, those NICU nurses are the best but I was sooooooo relieved to not need their services. You came out strong and courageous! You were born on September 26th at 12:12am. After a couple hours of cuddling with mom, dad took you over to the nurse table so you could be weighed, measured and examined. You weighed 8 lbs. 15 oz. and were 21 ¼ inches long. The room was filled with so much love as everyone intently watched you. When I look back on the pictures you can see that everyone was hugging each other the whole night. We all got through the fearful labor together. We were all relieved and thankful. Our souls were quenched by God’s hand on your life and arrival.

This next story blog is a group effort with my family and birth team. It is part of Mazelle’s life that none of us want to forget but totally want to at the same time. There was beauty and horror all mixed in one. I knew I would not be able to write this one on my own. I asked everyone who was a part of Mazelle’s birth to write their memories out. Because just as I am on this journey of grief and healing, they are too. We are all in this together. I told them to write “I remember” statements. I wanted us all to take time to really remember. To not hide those memories away but to really look at them. To see them. To see her. To see each other. To see the moment. So you will be reading from all our memories as we remember the reality that hit us like a ton of bricks and tore our hearts into a billion pieces.

If you haven’t yet read Mazelle’s birth story and the “Deep Breath” blog, I recommend spending time there first before reading this next story. If you have read the last couple blogs or have read all of them, I appreciate your willingness to come alongside not just me but also my family & friends who were in the thick of it with us.

May 24th Her story continued…

As I gazed at the new little life in my arms, the room seemed very quiet. There had been such a roar of joyful noise when she came out that the quietness seemed to come so abruptly. I kept thinking it was because we were all in awe, and the room was or had been, but now they were all very concerned. The midwife and helpers were very calm and serious because they knew something was wrong. Mazelle had made a couple small short cries right before she was laid on my chest but now there were no sounds from her. After our deep gaze together, Mazelle’s eyes closed and her hands became limp. I stayed very calm and couldn’t really get out of the awe I was in. Love was the only thing on my heart & mind. Even while she was in my arms and they started CPR on her, I was cheering her on in a voice that had no concern of the intensity of the matter. As everyone in the room started to cry out and fear the worst, I continued to be in a very pleasant and peaceful awe.  Breanna my sister told me Mazelle’s birth was one of the most beautiful things she had ever seen in her life and was one of the scariest times of her life as soon as she did not hear Mazelle cry.

Breanna (my sister) remembers… ~ I remember the joy that erupted when we saw the miracle emerge from Heidi’s worn out body. ~ I remember waiting to hear Mazelle cry. Silence. I knelt in the corner of the room. The ache to hear her cry still remains.

Crystal (midwife) remembers… ~ I remember the moment that Mazelle was birthed and the joy that filled the room over such an accomplishment after pushing for so long. ~ I remember the deafening silence that filled the room as myself and the birth attendants performed CPR on little Mazelle.

Kashema (doula & friend) remembers… ~ I remember the deep and heavy panic in the room once she stopped breathing. Watching them work on getting her little body to breathe hurt me to my core. It felt like the room was spinning and I just wanted to escape, but I couldn't move. This isn't really happening, is it?! I was claustrophobic. I couldn't take a deep breath. ~ I remember feeling so helpless when I looked into Trevor's lost eyes. I rushed over to him and we clung tight to each other for minutes that seemed like hours, while the tears streamed down both of our faces.

My mom remembers… ~ I remember the exhilaration when Mazelle popped out and looked so beautiful. ~ I remember the frustration of seeing her struggle to take a breath and relieved when the nurses started to suction her mouth and give her CPR. ~ I remember Mazelle’s body not responding and the hurriedness of the midwives that appeared to be in crisis mode. ~ I remember Trevor’s intent look into my eyes, which seemed to ask, “Is this the way it is supposed to be?  What is wrong?” I wanted to assure him and give him answers, but I felt I was looking back at him with the same expression.  I felt helpless.

My dad remembers… ~ I remember finally ending up at the birthing center where Trevor and all the women went into the birthing room and started their duties.  Each one ordered and ready to carry out their predetermined instructions. Justin and I waited in the lobby just a thin door away from all the pain, excitement and the sounds of a crew of women and their delivery charge. ~ I remember it was a pep rally in the other room.  Encouraging words were heard and not a few groans and moans.  Breanna, who apparently had the task of texting the boys in the next room, would be sending periodic texts.  “The Heart Beat is strong.”  “She is pushing.” “We can see her head!”  are some of the phrases my memory conjures vaguely. ~ I remember suddenly the encouragement intensified, as did the moans piercing through the thin door.  We could tell the time was soon we would have our Mazelle!  And the texts stopped, proving that Breanna was off on another more important task.  Suddenly a burst of cheers and tears of joy streaked my cheeks.  “Sounds Good!” I texted Breanna. ~ I remember the cheering and celebration continued, then, suddenly, without warning, absolute silence.  I muttered, “that’s not good.” ~ A text vibrated on my phone, “Pray for Breath.”  And another tear streaked my cheek but this one saltier. 

Memories from Trevor… It wasn’t even a full minute after Mazelle came out that I knew something was off. At that point I thought, “Does anyone else think that something isn’t right?” while I stared at Heidi waiting for her to take notice, but her only expression was a blend of joy and exhaustion. All I wanted was to be with Heidi in what we were facing but she was somewhere else.  As they took Mazelle and placed her on a metal board to begin CPR next to Heidi I could hear Heidi say in the softest motherly tone “come on baby girl” to Mazelle.  I never felt more helpless as I watched my baby girl turn blue. In my head I began to pray but it wasn’t in words as much as an inward emotional siren blast to heaven. Then came a brief moment of thought that maybe God is punishing me for my sins and this was somehow my fault. Then I just had to surrender every thought cause it wasn’t helping at all by attempting to figure out the why questions.

I could see everyone’s faces which showed worry, concern, sadness, and confusion. But I was in a cloud. I was almost to calm. I was so touched with the moment I shared with my daughter that I just couldn’t leave it. Maybe I felt like I needed to stay that way as I talked to Mazelle and could be that constant steady voice for her. My mom said my face was almost happy and looked angelic. The midwives had called 911 and minutes later the paramedics were there. At this point my little girl had no breath and no heartbeat. The heartbeat that seemed so strong the whole way through was gone. I remember the first time I heard her heartbeat when I was about 11 weeks pregnant. Oh the joyful tears that flowed down my cheeks. LIFE was here! It was one of the most beautiful sounds I had ever heard. That same heartbeat now had lost its strength. Life was leaving her quickly.

The paramedics came in and took over as they talked with the midwife and then to me but it was all so foggy. I talked to Mazelle until they took her away from me to get her into the ambulance. After she left me I fell into shock, as I lay there naked exposed to everyone in the room. What a crowd that seemed to be there now. They were watching a new mother be stripped of her gift and left with empty arms. Crystal the midwife went straight to caring for me and helping me give birth to the placenta. The paramedics then wrapped me up in some weird impersonal textured cloth. For some odd reason though it was a comfort to be wrapped up in it. All the medical personnel were calm as they talked with us. My paramedic Michael had the kindest voice and made me feel very cared for as he talked me through what would be happening next. I remember trying to focus on what he was trying to tell me. He put a hospital bracelet on my wrist and wrote “Baby Girl Davis.” He said when I got to the hospital this is how they would know who I belong to. They put one on Trevor too. I stared at the bracelet in such a daze… “This is how they will know who I belong to.” Those words stuck in my head. They lifted me up onto the rolling bed and wheeled me out into another ambulance that went chasing after Mazelle. Trevor hopped in too.

Crystal remembers… ~ I remember the long embrace that Kashema and I had after Heidi and Mazelle were taken away by ambulance to a near by hospital.  We shared with each other that we didn't know how this happened.  We didn't see this coming.  Everything was going so well.

My dad remembers… ~ I remember I heard the nurse cry out for someone to quickly come.  I heard sirens and paramedics burst into the office and into the room.  I stood in my place helpless and terrified.  I saw our little Mazelle carried out by the medic limp in his arms and still bathed in birth.  They rushed her off, some official said, "do not try and follow the ambulance but come to the Hospital."  How well he knew what I wanted to do.  

My mom remembers… ~ I remember immediately, we were being directed to gather our things in order to move to the hospital, as the paramedics were rushing through the room to gather up Mazelle trying to put life into her limp body as they moved her to the ambulance. ~ I remember we all had questions, but no one had any answers as we moved robotically to our cars and drove to the hospital.

Kashema remembers… ~ I remember having to drive Heidi’s car to the hospital after they took them all away in separate ambulances. The pain I felt in the pit of my soul was really overwhelming me. I needed to stop and take deep breaths before I started hyperventilating. Before I took off, I sat in the drivers seat crying out to our Father to save Mazelle's life. I was clenching that steering wheel so tight. I was scared to drive to the hospital because I didn't know what news I was going to be met with. The drive there, to the moment I made it upstairs is a complete blur.

In the ambulance, Trevor and I locked eyes and just stared at each other. It was the first time I had looked into his eyes since Mazelle was put on my chest when she was born. It is crazy to see a look in your husband’s eyes that you have never seen before and there was nothing you could do to find out what it all meant. Oh the many things running through his head and I had no ability to connect. Having no idea what to feel, say, think...we both had no words. It was all so very hard to take in and we were in complete shock.

Memories from Trevor… After the paramedics took Mazelle, Heidi and I now needed to get into an ambulance.  I remember Heidi still in the clouds like she experienced the beautiful miracle of childbirth but in no way the raw moment that was before us.  We held hands and looked at each other, her gaze didn’t hold weight, and there were no tears or talk, just silence.  I selfishly wanted to help her process what just happened so I wouldn’t feel so alone in it.  I needed my wife. Throughout the ride and all through the night I didn’t get a sense that Heidi understood what happened. She never cried or even seemed concerned.

As we entered the Emergency room, I noticed all the eyes looking at me. So many eyes. What were they all thinking? I remember looking to the left of me and seeing a crowd surrounding Mazy’s little body. I couldn’t see her just the tower of bodies over her. I looked down at my hospital bracelet again as I was wheeled away from my daughter into a dim lit room, “Baby Girl Davis.” I needed to be stitched up because I had a level 2 tear. The surgeon was gentle as he cared for me. I was supposed to tell him if it ever hurt as he stitched me up. I grunted at one point because it did hurt a little so he numbed me some more. I guess I was beyond exhausted because I couldn’t get any words out. I pretty much went in and out of sleep hearing and seeing people coming & going thinking I could try to be present. Sometimes I could hear what was going on but it was all so very unclear. I was too exhausted to take it in. I had no more strength to be there for Trevor or for our little girl. The blackness under my eyelids shut me out and I fell asleep leaving Trevor to have to make some really hard decisions without me.

Memories from Trevor… Heidi seemed at peace and just wanted to sleep from exhaustion and it began to make me scared that she lost her mind.  I thought not only did I loose my daughter but my wife is now mentally gone. Being one with Heidi it was like I couldn’t allow myself to cry or feel what happened either until she joined me. We had some of our family and friends around and I practically remember my friend Kenny putting his hand on my back to comfort me. I remember shielding myself from him or anyone’s love because I knew if I received it I would just collapse into a ball and I needed to figure out what was going on with my wife and my child and now wasn’t the time to get emotional. It may have been four of the longest hours waiting to hear news from Mazelle’s doctor. I was told she had let go of her meconium and some other technical doctor language that I translated as things weren’t looking good. I could tell the doctor didn’t want to say that. He actually couldn’t even believe they were able to get a heartbeat. It was a little miracle in the midst of such tragedy. Since the final verdict seemed bleak the smartest thing to do was to spend as much time with Mazelle as I could. Once given the go to see her I remember my emotions shifting as if time slowed down.  I wanted to take in this moment for all it was worth because I wasn’t sure how much time I would get.  As I approached Mazelle’s bed at first I didn’t notice the tornado of tubes & machines that surrounded her, I saw past that to her little sweet face.  It was hard to believe she was finally before me. It was also hard to believe she was already fighting death. What a confusing predicament! 9 months in the womb with every heartbeat test passing with flying colors and out of the blue we receive this outcome.  As I continued to stay with her I starting asking her nurse Angie about all the machines and what they did.  For some reason it was at that point I started to weep. The more time I spent with her the more time I wanted to have and the more information I learned about her circumstance the less time I felt I had.

Breanna (my sister) remembers… ~ I remember the hard, cold hospital floors as I cried out for my niece throughout the night. Lord, please give her breath. ~ I remember holding Heidi’s hand, not wanting to let go as she lay in the hospital bed. She was being protected and had been given peace to rest her tired body. ~ I remember watching Trevor try to figure out how to answer the doctors questions and care for his first-born.

My dad remembers… ~ I remember the rest of the night was spent in a waiting room, with a brief stint in Heidi’s recovery room.  Words were pointless, eyes full of water said what needed to be said.  We got an update from the doctor.  Good news was scarce.  We left Heidi to rest and returned to our waiting room.

My mom remembers… ~ I remember wanting to keep Heidi and Trevor from the extreme grief that would come following this unexpected outcome.  Knowing within me how that felt from experiencing my own child’s death.

Holly (my sister) remembers… ~ I got news of a complication in the middle of the night while sleeping in my bed in Minneapolis. I was confused, worried, and feeling the distance I was from the rest of my family. It was clear I needed to book a flight and get out there.

May 25th

I slept until 6am Sunday morning (the next day). Trevor had decided to wake me with Breanna and her fiancé Justin. I still didn’t know what the reality was. I thought she had died by the looks on their faces and how they were sitting right next to me with such intent to tell me what was going on. I was still a little of out of it as I asked if she was dead. Trevor told me she was still alive but in very critical condition. He told me how bad it was and that we should be ready for anything to happen as that could mean death. He wanted to make sure to not sugar coat anything. I really appreciate that about him. He is willing to face the ugly truth head on no matter how crazy it is. After giving me the truth, he gave me a moment to soak it in. I guess I started to worry about needing to pump breast milk for her and all sorts of things. I was still a little out of it. Trevor brought me back to reality and then asked if I was ready to see her. That is all I needed to do in that moment. Go see my daughter. My heart was ready. I actually couldn’t believe I was going to see her alive. We proceeded to figure out how to get me down to see her. As I started to move and get out of bed, I realized how hurt my body was. Post-partum stuff is no fun! Oh my body hurt! A nurse came to help me to the bathroom to clean me up and practically change the diaper I was wearing. They got me a wheelchair and Trevor pushed me to the NICU as Breanna and Justin followed behind us. It was a quiet room, like a peaceful sanctuary, yet it was filled with babies fighting for life. Wow. As we entered I met Angie Mazelle’s nurse and she directed us to her bed.

Memories from Trevor… After Heidi woke up from her night of much needed sleep and I told her the current status of Mazelle, she started to worry that she needed to pump her breast milk. I thought maybe through the night she would come to her senses and realize what really happened. I remember felling scared and almost even anger. I wanted to scream don’t you realize what happened our daughter is dying and you want to pump milk. I was thinking “You need to go see her before its too late!” Even though I was screaming in my head I remember gently asking the question, “Do you want to go see her?” Heidi agreed and we got her in a wheelchair and headed to Mazelle.  This was the moment I was waiting for, being together as a family. Whatever that looked like I didn’t care as much as wanting to be together in it.  

As we moved closer and closer to her, my tears were released. I had my first cry. I couldn’t believe I was seeing my little girl like this. I was so sad yet so grateful I was getting to see her alive. What a mix of strong emotions. It felt good to feel again after being in such shock the night before. Trevor and Breanna were so relieved to see me cry and be more myself. Trevor and I could truly take in our precious Mazelle together for the first time. Trevor and I stared at her. We held her hand, touched her tiny fingers and poked her cute cheeks. She had long feet and her nose was just perfect. And her lips! Oh they were gorgeous. We talked about how beautiful she was and told her we loved her. We had to be very gentle with her because too much sensation could have caused complications. I just wanted to stroke her soft newborn skin but I could only place my hand on her and not move it. I smelled her. I kissed her very softly trying to keep it as gentle as I could. She had wires and tubes everywhere. I so badly wanted to rip them all off and hold her tight. She looked peaceful. Her heart was beating again. I watched it thump. It was a miracle that we were getting this time with her. She should have died but she didn’t. We always say she came out as a princess warrior. A beautiful princess who fought a very harsh battle. Her nurse Angie carefully talked with me about how she was doing, told me what all the machines and tubes were doing for her and answered all our crazy questions. I am so thankful to God for this precious time as a family! He was there with her. He was there with us. We didn’t plan for any of this. It wasn’t even a thought that crossed our mind. But here we were sitting in a new reality that completely turned our lives upside down.

Breanna remembers… ~ I remember when Heidi first saw her Mazelle in the NICU. Watching reality start to sink into Heidi’s eyes. She was beautiful. ~ I remember watching her rhythmic breaths as the machines made their sounds. ~ I remember Mazy's tiny hands and feet. The miracle. Watching my sister kiss and hold them.

My body was hurting and I couldn’t sit or stand for too long. They decided to get me back to bed so I could lay down. I hated leaving my daughter. It was a terrible feeling. I just wanted to lie beside her and stare at her and soak every second in. But I couldn’t. My body couldn’t physically stay standing or sitting. UGH! I was transferred to the post-partum area of the hospital. As we got settled in our new room, Breanna showed Trevor & me a text that my mom wrote to all of us about what she had prayed the morning I went into labor. It was pretty profound because my mom had written this in her journal even before Mazelle was born. She said, “I wrote this yesterday morning. It is still my prayer today…Isaiah 62:1 ‘I will not stop praying for her until her righteousness shines like the dawn and her salvation blazes like a burning torch.’ May we pray for Mazelle and all the people in our family to know our righteousness and salvation come from God so that we can shine like the dawn and blaze like a burning torch.” Oh how we experienced this every step of the way. And if anyone was touched by Mazy, you know this prayer rang true.

Breanna let mom know she showed it to Trevor and me and texted back “Heidi is more with it now. She had really been in shock up until now. She said she is feeling more herself. Just ate a big breakfast. It is nice to cry with her.”

I took a longer break between my last blog post about Mazelle’s birth story and this one because I needed to pause and take a deep breath. I want to thank all of you who have been reading my posts and traveling this road with me as I write out these stories & remember all the delicate memories. Thank you to those who have maybe just arrived and you’re reading for the first time. Thank you to everyone who has held us in prayer, has allowed us to be very real and honest this last year and has supported us in many different ways. It has definitely helped Trevor and I heal and get through our great loss.

I need to pause and take a deep breath here because after sharing Mazelle’s birth story, celebrating her 1st birthday and experiencing for the first time the clock going by at distinct times was A LOT. It was surreal to watch the clock pass by on May 27th and remember the precious moments we shared with our daughter on her last day here. As the clock went by I would pull up pictures of those moments and stare at them: our last morning with her, Trevor and I giving Mazelle her first and last bath, my family holding her and saying their “See ya laters,” and then to the exact time of 8:15pm when she passed away in my arms.  The last picture I stared at before falling asleep that night was a picture I took of her beautiful profile before I had walked away from her body. I blew the picture up big on my computer screen and just laid with it beside me for a couple hours. What a beautiful precious gift she was and still is in my life. Deep breath.

I need to pause and take a deep breath here too because right after I shared Mazelle’s birth story on May 20th a few days before her 1st birthday I received an anonymous letter from someone who wanted to make sure I took full responsibility for my daughter’s death. Deep breath Heidi. I need to pause here and hold off telling the rest of the story because after receiving this letter it has been made clear to me I need to share something first before moving forward in the details of Mazelle’s story.

So please pause with me. And if you are willing, please read the rest of this with a soft heart.  Be open to the idea that God wants us to see Him & know Him through the gut wrenching emptiness, loss and pain we experience in this life. Maybe pray, sit in silence and reflect before moving forward. Even if you’re not ready to see, believe or know God take a moment for the sake of honoring Mazelle’s life. I know that we all come from different backgrounds, walks of life, perspectives, and maybe different belief systems of faith of who we say God is or is not.  What I rejoice in today is that the anonymous accusing letter I received has not hindered me but instead has inspired me to slowly and continually walk forward in sharing our story of Mazelle and ultimately the story of God.

So pause with me and please give me grace as I share probably the hardest struggle I have had in my whole life… holding the WEIGHT of Mazelle’s death.

To answer the person’s letter…Yes. Yes I have carried the heavy weight of her death on my shoulders every day since the seconds she was born. I have battled being able to get up in the morning to live life sometimes. All fingers pointed at me. No matter how a child passes away, my guess is a lot of parents blame themselves. It is a heavy burden. A battle that I know for sure raged in me. No matter what happened or how it happened, I would have blamed myself. Unfortunately I’ve heard too many mysterious stories like ours and it is a struggle to understand what happens in circumstances like a child’s death. Just the other day I sat by a man on a plane who shared his story about loosing his first son. Their son came out of the womb without a heartbeat. He shared that as the OB caught their child coming out she said "It's a boy!" and then right after said, “There is no heartbeat.” The man said he fell straight to the ground in disbelief.

My thoughts haunted my mind of all the what ifs, the should ofs and the whys probably just like this man & his wife did. I had questions beyond questions of what had happened so suddenly and without any warnings. Why didn’t I notice that something was wrong? What was I not paying attention to? Was there something I could have done differently or noticed so she could have survived? The medical Midwife who birthed Mazelle did everything she could to help her in those crucial shocking moments when she came out of me. The NICU doctors who reviewed the video footage of her birth, studied every little part of her body and reviewed every detail of the circumstance said my little girl’s story continued to be a mystery. It was a mystery to everyone. There were no warning signs. Her ultrasound showed everything was developing well and normal. No high risks. My labor time was normal for a first time mother. The stress test was normal. Her heartbeat was strong the whole time even to the last seconds of her coming out. The mysterious details did not help the control and answers I wanted so badly. And when I do continue back into the story you will hear more about it, but right now I am focusing on something more important. It was so hard to never have exact answers to our predicament even after her autopsy. I had to come to an understanding that none of us are truly in control of life’s unexpected happenstances. I could not hold the details in my clinched hands thinking I could figure it all out. It is a crazy process I have had to walk (very slowly) to get to a place of healing, comfort and wholeness.

This whole year I had only shared with my husband and our friend Kashema really the dark thoughts I held onto of blaming myself for Mazelle’s death. And I only mentioned it to them a couple times very briefly. Very quietly. It was almost too hard to talk about because it was so dark. It was so vulnerable. It was too weighty. I kept the weight at a distance because it was too hard to bear. Eventually I shut it up in a closet some where in my mind and locked it up tight so it couldn’t come out. It felt like I wasn’t made to hold on to such a weight. Like it wasn’t intended to be this way. It would crush me and it started to so it belonged in the closet.

Loosing Mazelle was so hard but I was left comforted knowing she was safe, forever. When I received the anonymous letter it was almost harder because it left me holding the weight I had supposedly locked up in my closet. It wasn’t supposed to come out! It was like someone unlocked the door, grabbed the weight and threw it on me yelling, “Hold this! Don’t think it doesn’t exist?! You can’t hide it Heidi. You better hold it because remember it is yours to bear. Nobody else but yours!” That anonymous letter hit the deep part of my soul that had struggled with the painful blame I put on myself this whole year. It hurt like hell. The words were so hurtful. I could feel the fiery arrow stab me in the gut and then move in deeper to make sure it jammed through my heart. I didn’t know what to do with myself after reading the letter. The only thing I could think of was tear my clothes off, sit in the shower and let the water fall on me. So I did. I sat there on the shower floor naked, vulnerable and totally distraught. I wailed. Oh did I wail. Trevor said he had never heard me weep like he did that day. The weight from the closet I shut in so tight had been pulled out and it drove over me like a semi truck rolling over a teeny tiny pebble. It hurt too much! I cried out, “Oh God! Oh God!” 

Trevor let me be in that moment for awhile and then after some time passed and I seemed to quiet down he came in the bathroom to check on me. I wrapped myself in a towel and he laid with me in bed. He shared some simple words, embraced me with love and even got me to laugh a little.  I loved how my mom described the shower; it was a moment to allow all the hurt, the blame I had put on myself and the accusing words this other person wrote me to be washed off. The letter was probably the worse way I could have heard the blame. But it happened. It was allowed. And it caused me to seek and find where my true comfort comes from. What was I truly going to listen to in that moment? How was I going to make it to the next day or even the rest of the day I was in? Where was I going to go from here? One thing I realized was blaming myself was me thinking I was God and in control of everything so I could have done everything so differently. If I would have, she would be here. But is that really how it is?

Trevor and I accept Mazelle’s death as a mystery only known to God. He knows it’s horrible. I was struck by the story of when Jesus experiences Lazarus’ death in the Bible.  The writer & pastor Tim Keller’s description of God’s hurt and hate towards death was a light in the darkness for me. He writes,

“The story of Jesus standing before the tomb of Lazarus is an endless source of insight for me. As he was about to raise Lazarus from the dead, Jesus was not smiling. He was angry. He was weeping. Why? Because death is a bad thing! Jesus wasn’t thinking, “They think that this is a tragedy, but no harm done! I’m about to raise him from the dead. This looks like a bad thing, but it’s not. It’s really a good thing! It’s a way for me to show my glory. It’s really exciting! I can’t wait!” He wasn’t thinking that. Jesus was weeping at the tomb, because the bad thing he’s about to work for good is bad. The story of Lazarus does not give you a saccharine view of suffering, saying bad things are really blessings in disguise or that every cloud has a silver lining. The Bible never says anything like that! God will give bad things good effects in your life, but they’re still bad. Jesus Christ’s anger at the tomb of Lazarus proves that he hates death.”

In our case, Mazelle died. It was allowed but it was not God’s initial intention for us to experience death in the beginning of creation. He allowed us to decide and we chose death. We were (and are) deceived that something was being held from us that we so desperately thought we needed. And the thing being held from us was something that was being protected from us…Death. But we grabbed it like a hasty child wants her toy and the deception became our reality.  We thought it best to be our own God. So entered evil, hurt, pain, sin, a distorted relationship between God and each other. The earth was now a place of decay and death. We walk(ed) away from Him. We walk away from the fullness of what God wants to gives us.

And God does not only hate death but he also hates loneliness, alienation, pain, and suffering. Tim Keller also writes, “Jesus hates it all so much that he was willing to come into this world and experience it all himself, so that eventually he could destroy it without destroying us.” We get a taste of all this when we remember Jesus on the cross and the excruciating death he bore for us because of our choice. OH! the darkness that came over that day! We think we need to write our own story of life but there is a reason we are not the writers. We try to all the time but it gets wrecked. We eventually lie, steal, deceive, become arrogant or ignorant and we hurt someone or ourselves.  We don’t know what it all means and how it all is coming together. We just don’t. We don’t know the ending and the totality of it all. God does. And He is lovingly, carefully, tenderly healing us, helping us to see Him through the hurt, the deception and the loss. We can see Him through each place we are wrecked by the curse we have got ourselves in!

Because this is how I see it. We are the guilty ones. The moment I sin and choose to walk this life without God and want to be my own god, I have let pain, hurt, evil and death into this world. My rebellion brings death. I am a filthy human and I am left knowing my shame. Nothing I do or say can cleanse me. The weight of Mazelle’s death sits right in front of me and I stand guilty. My hands are dirty. That is why I am so eternally grateful for the truth that Jesus came to die for my filthiness and my choices of self-righteousness. I am realizing and coming to a deep understanding of how such GOOD NEWS it is to hear that Jesus endured the cross for me. That is why God’s grace is the most beautiful thing I look upon in this messy world. It is the best news on earth that I could ever hear! You mean the accusations against me are stripped? I am not held guilty? I am not crushed by the weight of sin and death! And better yet, he doesn’t just forgive me, He comes into my life to shower me with continuous love until I reach eternal’s doors where His love and lordship will never cease to amaze me. And as I have reflected on our story with Mazelle, I can’t believe the numerous times He was comforting me, preparing me and drawing me near Him so that I could get through something so harsh in this world as loosing a child.

In places of hurt we can see passed it all to what we really crave and are starving for, HIM. Mazelle’s life, death and the time after she passed has been moments of seeing God every step of the way, every second of every day of Him being right there even during the worse of pain and darkness. He sat right next to me. I was not destroyed by it because He loves me.

So I have no ill feelings towards the person who sent me the letter. I'm glad they could share their frustration, maybe in a harsh way directed towards the wrong person, but God continues to show me that the hard things that are allowed can bring His goodness out so clearly and profoundly that it's undeniable who He is and that He is right here. The letter helped me say the scariest and most haunting thoughts I have had this year out loud and really lay them at Jesus’s feet at the cross where they belong. Not in the closet. He carried the weight and crushed it at the cross so that I may not be crushed by it! The joy of the victory on the cross overwhelms even the greatest grief on this earth. The writer Tim Keller describes it like this,

“When Jesus prays to the Father in John 17:13, he prays for us—his followers. He says, I pray that “they may have the full measure of my joy within them.” One chapter before, he says to his disciples, “You will rejoice. and no one will take away your joy” (16:22). That’s pretty amazing! He’s talking to the twelve disciples, men who are going to be persecuted. They’re going to be robbed of everything they own, tortured, and put to death. Yet Jesus promises to give them a joy that will withstand all that. Nothing—not disease or persecution or alienation or loneliness or torture or even death—will be able to take it away.”

Birth stories. There are billions out there. Some last a couple hours. Some last over 20 hours. Some are exactly like a woman planned. Some turn out to be horrifying. Giving birth is one of the most painful yet exhilarating experiences a woman goes through. It is a life changing moment. Mazelle’s birth story was perfect in my opinion. When I look back on the 20 hours I labored I see joy, anticipation, laughter, teamwork, hard work, prayer and so much love.

May 18th-22nd

The week of my due date had finally arrived! My family lives on almost all four corners of the country so everyone started flying into San Diego. My dad flew in from Florida. My mom flew in from Minnesota. My sister Breanna & her fiancé were coming from Washington in a few days. My sister Holly was going to come hang with little Mazelle after she was born. I couldn’t wait for them all to meet her! So far my mom & dad were in town just in time for her due date May 20th. The unknown of when labor begins is such a funny waiting game. You try to plan around it but you really can’t because you really have no idea when your baby decides its time. And you try to not let it get to your head and stress you out. I struggle with worry so I had to remind myself that everything was going to be ok. I would tell myself, “Stay calm Heidi. You don’t want to put stress on the baby. Enjoy this time. Soak in the moments with your parents. They won’t be mad at you if the time they planned to be here comes to an end and Mazelle hasn’t come yet. They understand the unknown timing of this. God is in control. His timing is always on time.”

So we kept ourselves busy going on walks, doing stair exercises, eating and I don’t think we missed anything getting ready for this little joy to come. My dad started right away on a couple projects around the house like putting up a tree swing in the back yard. We called Mazelle “the giver.” That specific name didn’t come until after she was born but we were already seeing her life give so much to our family. Her life brought me joy and hope and allowed my heart to become intimate with God again. Her life of giving was already spreading even to my parents as they arrived. A little backstory is my parents are divorced. It was a painful time for all of us when it happened and all of us have taken small steps to heal & forgive throughout the years. So one morning Trevor and I decided to take my parents out for breakfast and there was this precious moment between my mom & dad that they shared and we shared with them and of course we were all crying. God used Mazelle’s life to give so much healing to our family, which there was more of that to come but we didn’t know that yet.

May 23rd

Friday May 23rd rolled around. It was Trevor’s birthday. I remember waking up early that morning like I did most days during my pregnancy and watched Trevor sleep as I laid beside him. I was full of thoughts like how much I loved him, how blessed I was to get to live life with him and I treasured every moment we learned something significant together. Being intimate and one with this man gave me so much insight into the love of God. So I just laid there watching him waiting for him to wake up. When he woke up I said to him right away, “Happy Birthday!” and he gave me a sweet tired smile back. Before getting out of bed, I posted a picture online of flowers that I had captured on one of my many walks and wrote “Peaceful.” My heart was ready for this day.

It was also Memorial weekend and my sister Holly sent our family some photos of her putting flowers on my sister Heather’s grave (and our grandparents graves).  We all responded with love of that sight. Mom responded to Holly with “Thank you for putting out the gorgeous flowers for our sweet Heather and Grandpa and Grandma. Your are the hands and feet of our family to remind us how precious life is.”

My mom & Trevor’s mom Rose took me to get pedicures with them to try to distract us from the “waiting game” we found ourselves in. When we got back home Trevor and I decided it would be good to take a nap before heading out to his birthday dinner party that we had planned with friends and family. When I woke up from my nap I felt something squirt out of me. Whoo! I went to go check it out and it looked like my mucus plug came out. I also felt Mazelle drop really low into my pelvis. I called the birth center. The midwife on call was there and said we could stop by so I could get checked out. Oh the excitement that filled my body at this moment. I remember running upstairs in delightful tears thrilled to tell my mom & Rose the news, “Mazelle is coming!” I called my friend Kashema who was my doula to let her know the scope. Kashema had been supporting me throughout my whole pregnancy. She gave me all the books I needed to read to prepare for labor and made sure I was always exercising. Our friendship started to really grow as we went on walks together throughout my pregnancy, which some have heard the hilarious story from us about one particular walk we had (If you ever see me in person, make sure to have me tell you the story ;) You’ll get a giggle) She answered the phone with excitement "Are you in labor?!” She stayed quiet at first waiting for me to answer because she could tell I was tearing up. As she waited for me she then started to think something was wrong so she asked if there was. I finally was able to get words out through my tears and told her I felt Mazelle drop really low and knew the time was coming! She then realized I had been crying tears of joy! We exchanged excitement and I love you’s. We made plans that she would help us make sure everything was set up at the restaurant where we were going to celebrate Trevor’s birthday. We would be running late due to the pit stop we needed to make to the birth center. My mom texted the family “Heidi just had mucus plug come out. We are going to get things checked out with the midwife before we head for supper. We have a lot of laughter going on here. I will keep you posted.”

Trevor & I headed to the birth center. The midwife checked me and it did look like things were getting started! I was 1 ½ cm. She encouraged Trevor & I to cuddle a lot and be close to each other so we could produce some good ol’ oxytocin. Good call!  We could definitely do that :) I texted the family “Mucus plug is out. Everything looks very stretchy. Water hasn’t broken which is good.” So we headed out to celebrate Trevor and we were so excited for the labor to begin. During Trevor’s birthday party, Kashema and I started counting & measuring the small contractions that started to come. It was so fun. She would press the start & stop button as I would yell across the room, “Press the button!” and sometimes everyone in the room would join along and yell with me. It was teamwork at its best! What a celebratory way of starting off labor by being with the ones we loved celebrating my husband’s life and the new season that was upon us. I wanted to try and get a good night sleep while the contractions weren’t strong or too frequent so I headed home while Trevor finished saying goodbyes. As I laid there I couldn’t believe the moment I had been waiting for was HERE! I was in wonder. Trevor got home shortly after and we fell fast asleep.  Well sort of ;) I mean how do you go to sleep!!??

May 24th

It was May 24th at 2am and I felt a gush. Did my water just break?! I called the midwife and she was only a minute away from the birth center and said she would turn around so we could get checked. As I was just about to text Kashema to give her an update she texted me. We laugh that we are always on the same page all the time. This time we were too! I let her know the status that we were headed to the center to see how things were progressing. The contractions were still bearable without her coming and joining us. When we got there, the midwife was there to meet us. She didn’t have to do much checking; she knew that the gush was my water because it was still coming out when she looked. At this point I was 2cm. She advised going back home and getting some rest. Oh how do you rest! Of course I did try. Pretty early in the morning around 6:30am I just couldn’t lay in bed any longer so my mom made me my favorite egg & cheese on toast. As I sat at the dining room table eating I noticed the contractions getting a little stronger. Our house roommates were awake getting ready to leave for work. They were happy to hear the news that their new little roommate was on her way. One of them was telling us a story and I had to stop listening because a contraction came. I didn’t get to tell him “hold on” or anything because the contraction was so strong. He thought I had started praying deeply in the middle of him talking. Haha!

After breakfast the contractions started to get more consistent and frequent. I was brushing my teeth when a contraction came which didn’t mix well because my throat is so sensitive. I twisted around to try and make it to the toilet. Of course I completely missed and threw up all over the bathroom. I said out loud to myself “Am I in transition?” It seemed way to early. “You wish Heidi!”  As everything seemed to get more intense it was time for Kashema to come and we also headed back to the birth center to see what was up because I had thrown up. It was probably because I had my mouth full of toothpaste foam when a contraction came but we wanted to make sure. And of course everything was fine. It was around 10am and I was now 2.5cm. The midwife was so patient with me for all the times I came by to get checked. As a first timer it was nice to have the birth center so close and to be cared for so much as everything was so brand new to me and I was learning as I went. So with me being 2.5 cm around 10am we thought maybe this was going to be a longer labor than we wanted but we decided to keep the hope we had on our hearts to carry us through. We also stopped to grab some good snacks on our way back home to carry us through too. Yummy! The contractions started to get harder and more frequent. I labored at home in different spots like Mazelle’s room where I hung onto her crib as contractions came and on a big comfy chair with tons of pillows to get the perfect position. Kashema said there was this moment when I welled up with tears because I realized I was getting a little tired but I was so excited to meet my daughter. My dad came soon after that moment with the three roses I wanted. He said the roses were from Ecuador and the floodgates opened in my eyes! I had lived in Ecuador for a year right after high school where a lot of healing had happened for me. It was actually a time in my life I said “I love you” to my dad for the first time in years and meant it! What a special symbol the roses had become!

At this time I tried to eat again because I had thrown up all the nutrients earlier. As I munched on food, I would have to grab it out of my mouth if a contraction came because my throat is so sensitive and I needed to breathe threw it. One time I didn’t get a chance to grab the food out of my mouth in time and well…of course I threw up all over the downstairs living room floor and over our cell phones and the chip bag (which we decided it was probably not a good idea to finish those. Haha!) We had a good laugh that is for sure. Because I threw up again and it was beginning to be 12 hours of active labor we decided to take me to the birth center to get an IV to hydrate. My sister Breanna and her fiancé had arrived at this point. What perfect timing! It was a rush of energy for me to see my sister there. She also was able to take over pushing on my hips so Trevor and Kashema could take a break. What a relief for them too!

So we arrived at the birth center once again. Seriously I was so lucky to have this place so close. My midwife there was now Crystal. She had a calm voice with a big bright smile. I liked her so much. I labored for a little bit at the birth center during this time and we did a stress test machine thing too. Everything was looking great. My baby girl’s heartbeat was strong. At around that time (4pm) we measured me and I was only 3cm. I was getting really tired at this point because I really hadn’t slept now since my good nap before Trevor’s birthday party. Exhaustion was starting to set in. We were all a little concerned how exhausted I was becoming. The team had been pushing on my hips to get me through contractions for most of the labor. It helped so much as I bared the intense waves of contractions. Because exhaustion was coming on, I felt like it was time to change it up. We headed home and I knew I needed to lie down and try to sleep. Kashema went home to get some rest too. We all needed it.

I started to use a different coping technique I had practiced during my pregnancy in hopes it would help me relax my body so I could rest. It was a visual story. The story started with me standing at the edge of a cliff. When a contraction started, I would visualize myself jumping off the cliff into deep water. I would swim deep into the water through a tunnel. When I would get through the tunnel I visualized a cave. My baby girl was there and I would pick her up. I would swim back through the tunnel, up to the surface and then to shore. I would recommit to getting my baby girl as I visualized jumping off the cliff each time a contraction came. Trevor laid next to me and tried to nap too. He was exhausted. My mom was on the other side of me sitting and praying over me quietly on the edge of the bed. I laid there doing my visualization and trying to rest. You know when someone is falling asleep and their body will do a little jerk? My mom said she could feel me jerk so she knew I was getting some kind of rest. She was so grateful. Her daughter was truly resting. Kashema had come back and switched spots with Trevor. Her and my mom both had hands on me at this point and prayed together. I feel like this time was needed for many reasons. For rest of course, but it also gave me time to seek comfort from God, release all power I thought I had, and remember to trust and know that all my strength comes from Him. One of the Bible verses I had written out on a card to look at during labor was Hebrews 12: 1-2 “Let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross.”

Around 6:00pm there was a moment I felt a couple gushes of water so I went to the bathroom. As I sat on the toilet my body started to push during the contractions. It was like I couldn’t help myself. I wanted to push! As I sat there on the toilet feeling these urges I said to Kashema, “Is it weird that my body wants to push?” She said back, “We need to go!” because she knew I was transitioning into the pushing stage. I always wondered during my pregnancy what it would feel like when your body wanted to push. You read in all the books that you will just know. Really, you will know? Well now I knew what that felt like. You do know! Haha! It was about 6:30pm when we headed to the birth center. The drives back and forth to the birth center were pretty comical. We have some amazing pictures of me sitting in the back seat with my sunglasses on while my arms are stretched out holding onto the ceiling handle bars while two people sat beside me to push on my hips. I have to say…I kind of looked like a cool hardcore rock star :)

I thought I would only be 4cm maybe 5cm because of how I had been progressing this whole labor. Crystal measured me and she said, “Well I have good news, you are 9cm.” Everyone cheered and I raised my hands up and said “Halleluiah!” and then said “Get me in the bathtub!” I had pictured myself giving birth in a tub. So they got the bath ready for me setting up my 3 roses, my birth pictures that Trevor and I had drawn and played my worship playlist. The first song to play was “Oceans.” My song of course! Trevor sat in the tub with me while Kashema sat beside on the edge. I had all my people surrounding me: Trevor, my doula, my sister and my mom (who was keeping my sister Holly up to date so she could be there with us too). My dad & Breanna’s fiancé Justin were right outside the door. I felt like they were my strength circle. Family is very important to me and I loved being surrounded by their love.

Crystal would come in and out to check on me as I pushed in the tub. Her presence and voice continued to be a comfort to me during this time of hard work. We could feel Mazelle’s head crowning. Crazy feeling! She had lots of hair on her head that was for sure! Everyone recommended I try peeing because I hadn’t gone pee and maybe sitting on the toilet would help with gravity to push her down more. I could not get the pee to come. And after awhile I could barely hold myself up and didn’t want to go back in the tub because I was exhausted. A soft cozy bed sounded amazing. I pretty much just wanted to fall asleep. Ha ha! So I moved to the bed. It was about 9pm by this time. I held onto the headboard on all fours to push. Mazelle was slowly making her way out. Everyone was cheering me on which helped me keep going. They held the 3 roses up in view for me to see. Trevor & Kashema were right there by my face helping me breath and telling me to moan & push deep with all my might. I did best when they would moan with me. I am really good at copying sounds so it helped so much when they made the sounds with me. My mom and sister were watching her little head merge. Mazelle kept coming and I was so ready for her to come fully out. My arms and legs were shaking so much as I was losing all my strength. My daughter was staying strong though. Her heartbeat was strong the whole time. I needed some gravity help at this point. I wrapped my arms around Kashema’s neck as she stood on the bed while I pushed and pulled down on her with everything I had. I have to pause here for a second because I have to give major props to Kashema. I mean she was literally holding me up and letting me completely pull on her! I always tell her she is superwoman :)  This definitely helped, as it seemed to really get Mazelle more down. I got back on all fours as Trevor sat right up on the bed next to my face and held my hands.

One of the main reasons I started writing these story blogs was because I didn’t want to forget all the details. I have been deeply moved by the thoroughness of God’s hand. I felt compelled to write it all down and share it because if it can help just one person, that is my heart. And maybe that one person is just me. Ha ha! I am now writing about things that happened a year ago. Wow. As I reflect on the few months before Mazelle’s due date I see a preparation that took place in me before she entered the world. When I read through my journal from this last year I actually see my whole pregnancy as a preparation. I would guess most mothers see this too as they are preparing for their baby to come, but I am talking about the preparation for what was about to hit us like an unexpected head on collision of not having our baby come home. Instead of sleepless nights because your child is crying for you there would be sleepless nights of silence. We were going to need a solid foundation to rest on and God prepared everything.

The preparations were things that, as I look back on them, make me say “Oh wow.”

One of the first displays of God’s hand was us picking our child’s name. My husband Trevor searched and searched. He loves to research before deciding on something. Let me tell ya. It took him over a year to tell me he liked me. Ha ha! During his search of names he came across a list of Swedish names because he thought it would be significant to have it connect to my family’s background. There was a boys name Mozelle. He thought maybe he could change it to be more feminine to Mazelle (like saying Gazelle but with an M). As soon as he told me about it, I was in love with it! And I liked the idea of her daddy making up her name. We didn’t think more about it really. We didn’t even know if it was a real name from somewhere. After a while, we did wonder if there was some background to the name. We found that it had a connection to the Hebrew name Mazel meaning Lucky Star. The deeper meaning of the name didn’t come until after she passed. When you look deeper into the meaning of “Lucky” it means Blessed and “Star” means Heavenly Body.  Her name was set, a blessed heavenly body.

“Oh wow.”

Another preparation for me was in March when I was thinking about a song that Trevor had written a few years back and never released. I had this feeling he should release it. And it is the meaning and story behind the song that blows me away that it would come to my mind. I went to him about the idea of him releasing it. He felt compelled too. So on March 4th 2014 Trevor released “Hands” a song he wrote about tragedy and belief.

Trevor had written this reflection about it, “This song came to me quicker than any other song I'd ever written. It started with my good friend Tim who emailed me a bass groove idea. As soon as I received it, the lyrics came pouring out right away. Definitely a song that was written in a very specific moment. During that time I knew of two people that had received crucial life or death news from their doctor and watched both of them in the midst of trial find something deeper to hold on to.“

“Oh wow.”

Towards the end of March Trevor’s mom had a family baby shower for me. I took home the cutest clothes and gifts for our baby girl. But one of the most significant things I took home was a random vase of 3 roses. There were tons of flowers there but it was the vase of 3 roses I had decided to take for some reason. I put them on the little wooden desk in our bedroom so I could see them from our bed. One night as Trevor and I were lying in bed looking at the vase of the three roses we realized something beautiful about it. We reflected on how at our wedding we gave each other a flower and put them in a vase together and now we were going to have three flowers in a vase! I decided that night I wanted three roses in a vase during my labor as a visual of our family that I could look at while working hard in labor. And when I look back on this whole rose story it reminds me of the prayer I wrote in my journal when I found out I was pregnant with Mazelle about her being a rose in the garden and how I didn’t realize I prayed that until I opened my journal after she passed.

“Oh wow.”

In April the next preparation came when my sister Heather came to my mind. Heather is my older sister who I never got to meet. She was almost 2 years old when she was hit by a car and passed away. That happened two months before I was born. My mother was very pregnant with me when my parents tragically lost their little girl. For those that know me well, they know I am a woman full of tears in every moment of life. I always wonder if I was gifted that because of the tears my mother and father shared while I was in the womb. So for some reason I was thinking about Heather and thought it was her birthday but her birthday wasn’t until November 4th. I knew this all my life so I was definitely having a “pregnant brain” moment. I sent a text to my family saying “Happy Birthday Heather!” with a balloon picture attached to it. We would always release a balloon on her birthday every year. My dad lovingly reminded me in our group text I had the wrong date and I said back “Pregnant Brain!” We were all laughing at the funny moment but it was crazy that she came to my mind. My mom even texted back to all of us “I love that Heather is in our minds. Her life was too short, but she brought great Joy. So glad, Heidi, that laughter is so easy for you right now. Enjoy it! Love you all so much.”

“Oh wow.”

On May 18th, the Sunday before Mazelle’s expected due date I was at my church’s Sunday service. Some of the quick notes I typed on my phone that Sunday morning cause such a stir in me because it is another revelation of my heart needing to prepare for what was about to come to our little family in just a few days. My quick notes verbatim on my phone were:

- The softest hearts are those who remember the hardness of the cross - Its not a knowledge issue, but heart issue in our belief of who He says He is - Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, He is with me

“Oh wow.”

I also specifically remember towards the end of the pastor’s sermon he called us in a time of prayer. I started praying the lyrics to one of my friend’s songs. It’s a strong yet very simple song. The whole song sings “Only God always does what is good, what is right and what is perfect. You alone we worship.” As I was praying these lyrics over and over, the pastor ended the prayer time and music started to play in the speakers. What song started playing? My friend’s song that I was praying!! I was truly being reminded of the God I love.

“Oh wow.”

Even as I was writing this story blog, I went through and reread all the other story blogs I’ve written so far. The preparation that God was doing is so evident to me in those stories! If you have read them too, do you remember…

- How God prepared a home, a big ol’ perfect place for my whole family to be together and grieve the heartbreaking days that would come.

- How God was drawing me close to him like when I heard those lyrics for the first time “Your grace abounds in deepest waters. Your sovereign hand will be my guide” and how it drew me to remember His sovereign love over my family’s life. The lyrics in that song were saying to me, remember this truth. Hold on to this truth. Hold on to Him.

- How the intimacy of God’s hand was renewing my spirit. Mazelle coming was a gift of hope for me because she brought me back to the loving arms of my heavenly Father. The miracle of her life helped me draw near to how intimate God wanted to be with me.

- How my aunt had knitted me that prayer shawl and put the Psalm 139 verses into my life. I was wrapped in prayer and God knew we would need prayer to surround us.

- How Trevor & I wanted to take videos of everything we could even the small details of each phase of my pregnancy and her life in the womb. We captured everything we could and now we would always have so much to go back to see her life and what we shared with her.

- And how the idea of sharing Mazelle was so strong on our hearts. There was just a sense that Trevor and I had about sharing her and how that would become something more than we could ever imagine.

“Oh wow.”

In May, my friends and I took a little trip to capture my baby bump at the beach where I would walk with Mazelle. I mentioned these walks in an earlier story. I had put together an album of the photos on Facebook about a week before Mazelle’s due date and wrote this as the album description, “My friend Sophia took some shots of me at one of my favorite walking spots on the beach. I've been walking this specific beach every Wednesday for the last half of my pregnancy. I was glad we got a chance to capture a moment here because it will always be a special place where I reflected on God, my life because of God, my husband and my new baby girl. I have a week left (give or take) and Trevor & I are getting very excited.” The excitement was settling in and I remember starting to feel like I was totally over being pregnant and just wanted to meet her so badly! I wanted to see her face! I wanted to look into her eyes! She was coming very soon. And my heart, my soul and my mind were prepared for that moment and a lot more.

“Oh wow.” Songs Mentioned in Blog: If you want to take a moment to listen to the song that Trevor released before Mazelle came, you can hear it here: http://trevordavismusic.com/hands

If you want to take a moment to listen to my friend’s song that I prayed that Sunday before Mazelle came, you can hear it here: http://wearesoma.bandcamp.com/track/good-right-perfect

The last months of my pregnancy were such a delight. Trevor and I kicked it into gear as we both started to “nest.” I was deep cleaning and organizing while Trevor designed & decorated Mazelle’s room. I always felt peaceful in there. Sometimes I would sit in there and read my Bible, read books on breastfeeding or just sit & pray.  Around this time I had finished a book called “Ina May’s Guide to Childbirth.” I was in awe of all the birth stories and how women would go through such a wondrous act of love & physical labor. The stories in that book stirred my heart about the big unknown I was about to experience for myself. I was about to find out the wonderful mystery of laboring in love.

Trevor and I started attending group sessions with other women & families who were as far along in their pregnancy as me, which I totally enjoyed! Some of them shared their labor stories and encouraged us newbie moms. We would learn so much from the midwife facilitating the meeting and from each other. I always left encouraged. Trevor and I also started private birth classes. Because Trevor’s schedule can be a bit crazy each week, flexible private lessons worked great for us and it was fun having our teacher come to our home. It was such an intimate time of learning about labor, drawing pictures of how we felt labor would go, sharing our worries & desires for labor and practicing pain coping techniques by holding ice in our hands. Our last session with our teacher was most touching. She ended with some last words and then left it to Trevor to end the session by washing my feet and speaking words of love over me. In these last few months I really got to see how Trevor was my protector and defender and a wonderful father to our child already.

I cannot help but believe that a child in the womb is a precious life from conception to birth. Most of my time spent with our baby girl was while she lived safely in my womb. Feeling her move, hearing her heart beat, knowing she could hear my voice and making sure I ate right because she was eating too gave me such a sense of being with her and going through this with her. We went on a lot of quiet walks on the beach together and even had some awesome dancing sessions with friends. My pregnancy check-ups were always filled with good news…Mazelle was growing perfectly and she always had a strong heart. One the biggest things that Mazelle made me see was that a child in the womb can give you gifts. My baby girl gave me JOY even from the moment I knew I was pregnant with her. Man she could make her mother laugh. My sister was in town one week and that is when the laughing sessions truly began. Trevor started to tape them making it a tradition to try and capture each laughing moment. When I started laughing I could not stop. Giggles filled my belly! One night I was laying in bed with Trevor and I was thinking about all the joy Mazelle brought me and I said, “Her middle name is JOY!” Trevor thought it was perfect.

I thought I would finish off this blog with a fun video of some the laughing sessions I had with my baby girl (Be aware: It is literally 4 minutes of laughing. We probably have almost an hour worth of footage!) I remember all the joy we shared with our friends and family from all over in the anticipation of her coming. It was a JOY to carry Mazelle in my womb and spend so much time with her and her daddy.

Very early on Trevor and I knew we would share Mazelle with everyone in our life. She was such a gift to us and we felt she was a gift for everyone. We couldn’t help but share her! When we first heard her heart beat, we blasted out the video to friends & family. I was just in awe of her life and how she was created in the womb. I remember at our family’s Thanksgiving how thankful I was for Trevor and how excited I was to share a family with him. I shared how I couldn’t wait to watch our child love others. The three of us would hold each others hands and walk this life together. Trevor and I even remember telling our roommates that our baby girl was their sister and that we wanted them to share in the gift of her life. We wanted her life to be a part of their life too. There was just a sense that Trevor and I had about sharing her. And that is what we continued to do during the whole pregnancy. God knew there would be a lot more sharing to come, more than we could even imagine.

As the second trimester rolled in, I started to feel so much better! Mothers you know the feeling…you feel like superwoman. It was perfect timing because Trevor was about to leave on a Christmas tour so he would be gone a lot which meant I had to take care of myself more. He had been cooking, cleaning and doing all sorts of things for me while I was trapped in bed with pregnancy sickness. But I was on the up! And it was time for him to get on the road. And to my surprise I was about to feel our baby for the very first time.

Here is a journal entry I wrote on December 15th....

“Around 8:00pm I was laying in bed when all of a sudden I felt strong flutters within! I gasped and put my hand on my belly and then felt a thump. I said out loud “Hi Baby!” Love just poured over, through and in me. I laid there with my hand on my belly FEELING the baby. It was unreal. Then I wanted to tell everybody! I don’t know how many texts I sent out. Haha! I knew Trevor was up on a stage doing a Christmas Together concert in Oregon. I noticed that the guys on stage with him were posting photos from the stage online so I sent them all a text to whisper to Trevor the good news! He thought it was so fun to hear that while on stage. My sister face-timed me so she could share in the moment with me because she knew I was alone because Trevor was on tour. She asked “What are you feeling?” and I said “LOVE” and joyful tears fell down my face. I felt some thumps while on the phone with her. What a moment! God making it all happen. Our own existence is by His hand. We do nothing. Ha!”

I will never forget that moment I shared with my baby girl. It was the first time I felt like we hung out together. Just her and me. Daughter and mommy time. Time I would hold dear to my heart.

Another beautiful moment was finding out the gender. I had my first ultrasound without Trevor because he was on tour so I had them not tell me. They said her body & all the measurements looked perfect. What a relief! When Trevor was back in town we decided to go to a 4D ultrasound place so we could find out the gender together and have a bunch of family and friends with us. Again, we loved sharing every moment with others. We filled the room with people and even got my mom and sister on face-time as we all waited for the gender to be revealed. It was a GIRL! We cheered and everyone was saying, “I knew it!” It was crazy to see our baby’s face, watch her heartbeat, see her legs kick and put her hand on her head. What a sensation it was to feel her movement in my belly and watch that same movement on the ultrasound. What a visual & distinct memory it was to be able to watch our baby girl be so ALIVE!

After Christmas & New Years rolled around, we headed to Minnesota to be with family. My mom & sisters put on a baby shower for us. It was so crazy to be opening up presents of little girl dresses and tiny shoes. Trevor and I were saying how crazy it was that the reality of it all got closer as we opened each present. My uncle Lynn & aunt Joann gave me a prayer shawl that my aunt had knitted. Their card had a Bible verse written in it from Psalm 139. It hit me so deeply because it spoke exactly to what I had been experiencing, the intimacy I was sharing with God in learning, seeing and feeling this baby grow inside me. I clung to those verses the rest of my pregnancy and during labor I wore the prayer shawl over me. I was wrapped in prayer. God knew we would need prayer to surround us.

I’ll leave you with the verses from Psalm 139, words that will forever be on my heart. I have this picture in my mind of our little girl singing these words to her Lord. And it reminds me I can sing them too :)

For you formed my inward parts; You knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them. How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them! If I would count them, they are more than the sand. I awake, and I am still with you.

Looking back on this past year with Mazelle time seems to have gone by like a crash of a lightening bolt, but in my first trimester with her I remember long days and time going by very slow. I was sick everyday throwing up at least once a day. All of San Diego smelled horrible to me so I felt like I couldn’t escape it. In addition to being nauseous all the time, I would catch every head cold that came close to me.

During this time I hesitantly went on one of Trevor’s music tours. We headed on the road with our good friend Darla who has drummed for Trevor for many years. I was not looking forward to the long drives. I was looking forward to getting out of the house though because I had done so much lying in bed. It was the only place I could find refuge from the smells and protect myself from germs. To get out of the house felt like I walked out of a cave after living in it for years. During the first half of the tour I was doing pretty well but towards the middle of the tour Trevor caught a head cold, which meant I did too. It hit me hard. That morning Trevor needed to leave the hotel for his gig and I was on the bathroom floor throwing up in the toilet with a fever and snot running down my nose. I clung to his leg and said “This is so hard!” and I just cried like a baby. Even though Trevor was running tight on time, he just let me hold onto him. He even got me back into bed and brought me breakfast before he rushed out the door. What love this man displays (Big happy sigh). A funny moment for me on this tour was when we decided to stop for gas. Trevor parked the car at the pump and headed inside to get some snacks. As Darla started to get out of the car, I was feeling the urge to throw up and thought I better get out too. There were so many times where I had to run to bathrooms at restaurants to throw up. This time it was too late, it was coming fast! I grabbed the only bag I could find in the car, a Ziploc filled with home made cookies someone gave us, and puked all over them. I giggled to Darla, “Well, there went our cookies!”

Because I was in bed a lot during this time, I did a lot of looking back on the last couple years of my life. They were pretty hard for me. We had a lot of family hardship, which had brought me down. I had a sad heart. It caused me to worry a lot and brought thoughts of hopelessness. We also had dear family members pass away suddenly. Two of my aunts, who were some of the sweetest ladies I know on this planet, were gone. It had been a tough couple years. One evening I wasn’t feeling to bad so I decided to adventure out of the house to go with Trevor to a church where he was sharing his music. The worship band was leading a couple songs before Trevor went up on stage. A lady started singing a song I had never heard before and her voice captured my attention like it was saying, “Listen Heidi! Listen to these words.” As I started to listen the lyrics sang, “Your grace abounds in deepest waters. Your sovereign hand will be my guide.” I filled up with tears. I looked over at Trevor and he could see how moved I was by the song. I was reminded of the mysterious sovereignty of God. Our family had gone through deep waters and I was reminded that He was with us. He knew we were hurting and He cared for each person in my family. He deeply cared about my sad heart. I started to sing out the words to the song. It felt so good to sing to Him and proclaim with my lips that I trusted Him. The song was “Oceans” which now is a very popular song in the church community. This song would be the song I’d sing when I stretched in the morning & would be on my playlist during labor. It would eventually bring deep meaning for what was ahead and be a song we could cry out during great pain and loss.

Trevor and I had decided to start shifting our lives around the idea of having a family a few months before founding out we were pregnant. We had started to talk about it here and there and after Trevor saw me holding our friend’s newborn baby, he was sold! We joke that he was our gateway baby. Ha! One big change for us would be looking at different job scenarios and me leaving my job so I could prepare to be a full time mom. As we headed in that direction, I had a handful of different friends asking if we were trying because they had dreams or thoughts of me being pregnant. Crazy! Even before I could talk to my boss about the big change in our life, he was encouraging the idea of us having a family and blessed us more than enough as I left my job. I couldn’t believe all the support & provision we were receiving. We had been living in a big house with a couple roommates for almost a year at that point. They were more than down to have a baby in the house. I knew they would be amazing big brothers to our child. When I look back on that house, it couldn’t have been more of perfect place for our family to go through pregnancy & the heartbreaking days that would come afterward. I really can’t believe the blessing that house was and the family that surrounded it. A few days after finding out we were pregnant, I found myself sitting on the side of the bed holding a journal my mother-in-law had given me for my birthday. It had been awhile since I wrote in a journal. I wondered why. I looked back on my life and the roller coaster it had been and realized I wrote mostly when I was being challenged, suffering with heartache or going through a really hard tragedy. There had been a lot of that in my life and my family’s life. I came back to this moment, this beautiful moment of realizing there was a baby growing inside of me. I was flooded with thoughts so the pen hit the paper and this is what I wrote …... My Journal Entry from September 15, 2013

It is interesting and exciting to go through something you’ve never experienced before in your life. I found out a few days ago that I am pregnant. Its funny that you start having feelings and nudges before you find out. Even other people were having them. My dad had a dream that someone told him I was pregnant the night before we told him. Trevor’s mom was literally proclaiming we had a baby a week before we got tested. She said, “I’ve been freaking out because you have a baby.” Trevor said, “Whose baby?” She said back, “Your baby!” We thought she was nuts. Haha! As it got closer and closer to the day we did a pregnancy test I was trying to talk myself down from excitement. Saying that my period is going to start or if I am pregnant that something will happen right after and I held myself back from hope. Crazy that I would do that. I think it reveals a lot about my heart. Why would I do that? Why not totally enjoy this with Trevor and our God and be with them in this miraculous moment. It is a balancing act keeping your hands wide open yet still embracing something so attached to your body. When Trevor and I took the pregnancy test there was a release for sure. I still couldn’t believe it and it was crazy to call my family and tell them this news that I was still trying to believe! The other day I was hit with the thought that we have been entrusted with a very precious gift. That is unbelievable! It reveals God’s love to me. He is so kind, good and perfect in His giving.

My prayer ~ Continue to reveal yourself to me Lord. I want to enjoy you in every moment. Captivate my soul. As we become tender gardeners of your rose, we can rejoice and praise you. Give Trevor and I soft hearts to your Spirit. Make our spirits alive in You! Give us eyes to see you and ears to hear your sweet, wise, gentle, strong, fatherly voice. Your glory is in these moments. It’s the underlying heartbeat and vibrations. It reminds me of the moment I was overwhelmed with your glory when thinking about a flower bud bursting forth in full bloom! Like a painting reveals something about the painter, your creation reveals You. There is order, thought, wisdom, joy, color, life, death, resurrection, heavenly views, beauty, strength, replenishing, music, stillness, gentleness, roots, raging waters of rivers. We will need you every step of the way. We always did and always will. Protect the little rose inside me. Guide me to tend to it well always remembering the gift. May we delight in each moment with You. Just reading about how you created it to find its home in the womb amazes me. How life becomes from so small to then a living body with all the functions you gave us to live each day with You. This is truly a blessing and I know I will see more and more. Here we go!