Mazarine Drake

Gym buddies

Like plenty of local boys before him, Neil has come home to the stretch of Australian coast where he was born. Unlike most of them, he trails fame, fans and property damage in his wake. He is also a 1,000 kg (2,200 pound) elephant seal. In June, the bellowing and blubbery 5-year-old mammal hauled himself onto land for his twice-yearly tour of beachside towns in southern Tasmania state after months of feeding at sea. That’s posing problems now that he weighs as much as a small car and has a social media following more than double Tasmania’s human population. His rampage through local infrastructure has claimed bent traffic bollards, a sign warning the public about seals and a fence that did not survive Neil’s attempt to vault it. The rest of the time he lies placidly any place he likes, which is sometimes the middle of the road, bringing towns he visits to a standstill. Neil, the only male elephant seal to visit Tasmania in years, has commanded an enthralled TikTok following of 1.4 million in part because he acts like kind of a jerk. During this visit to shore, his 12th, his crimes have included picking fights with parked cars and smashing through barriers erected to keep him off roads.

The duality of Neil

something something lying to cops

Have you heard the word?

WHAT’s the word?

He’s a comin’

WHO’s a comin’?

Paul’s a comin’!

PAUL’s a comin’?! 

They complained that a 4% surtax would force the ultra-wealthy people to flee the state. It passed narrowly. Not only are these multi-millionaires NOT fleeing en masse, more of them live here now than before the tax was enacted. It raised almost two and a half BILLION dollars in 2023 alone, funding free school lunch statewide and free community college for state residents.

After a moment he changed the music on his phone to what sounded like a Hatsune Miku song. Curiosity got the better of me, so I finally spoke up and said “is this Hatsune Miku?”

And he said “Yep. You looked uncomfortable, and I know Transgender women like Hatsune Miku, so I thought it might help.”

waiter! waiter! more Ragapom please!!!