𝕸𝖆𝖞𝖘𝖘𝖆💫🖤

chiko

Tomas

mar

We all have a goal, that’s something in common, all wokring yowards their goals, we’ll meet once we get there

Leaving me on seen now

I don’t want to point it out

I wonder what makes him do that, it’s a clear sign that you don’t have respect for someone anymore, it can’t be anything else

anyways

stopped talking for a while and I was working on detachement as this person clearly doesn’t think of me same as I think of him, and is not taking seriously like I do, I know there’s other girls he talks to

Ngl if you got Snapchat that’s how it is talking to randoms in yk what way I’m talking about

I’ve been working on finding myself, I stopped using Instagram for a little less than a month and have been working on finding myself back it’s been good until lately we got back to talking as he wasn’t around his friends in his native country and now he got time to talk to me

at first when we started talking after the break I know for sure it didn’t feel like now, I didn’t care about checking whenever he gets active and keep checking whenever he responds and keep refreshing on browser, and question and overthink everything as it doesn’t feel the same as it was before and I’m still wondering what changed, distance shouldn’t change anything as if you truly are committed to someone then nothing changes and proof is me, could easily be talking to many females and not caring whether he loses me or not or did I truly matter to him in the first place or did he want me just like many other girls and got lucky with me and realized I cannot date yet, respected it and even talked to me about marriage and him being ready to get married at 18 and it’s all about me whenever I’ll be ready and speak about it to my parents, I said I wanted early 20s, but either way we could live in the same city and still see each other every day, so getting married or not yet we’re still have contact, and now i don’t get what made him change his mind about everything saying I rushed it and didn’t think it through, I don’t want to be negative but I want to be realistic that he’s talking to other girls in the way he’s talking to me

he even gets jealous whenever my childhood bestfriend would hug me, he would get mad, and I get it, by respect to him and myself I don’t want to get hugged by a male unless we’re in a relationship, but in this situation we’re not even together and he feels that way, but it’s like foreshadowing us being together one day so anything is considered cheating even if you’re not together yet, how are you talking to a girl about marriage then talking to other girls

all I can do now tomorrow I’ll have ig, then for 3 days I’ll cutting off ig, and doing a plan I’ll stick to for three days just to get back on track because at the end of the day I still have a dream I’ve been wanting to achieve, so much I wanted to do In life before I started talking to him or even knew about his existence, never considered love as something in my life yet, all I cared about is working on my goals and I’ll get to meet people in the future so whoever is meant for me will stick with me and I found love, but I didn’t think or cared about it or seen it as a thing yet

he was the exception but I didn’t date, i don’t get interested in guys as I know their intentions at this age, also I just wasn’t into love, but we would talk late at night about how good life would be if we lived in the same city, just us being with each other and having each other’s company, I would say how fun the future is looking but he didn’t truly know what I meant, I meant I’m trying to work harder on my goals so that one day once the hard work pays off, I would get to share my dream come true with him, I will share my sucess with him, I’ll give him the experience, even though he didn’t put in any effort in achieving goals I’ve been crying, thinking and stressing about on the daily basis, I seen it as he deserves it, he’s showing me love and I like him a lot too, so sharing that with him is a must, but either he’s serious about this or not, and I hate to say this but it’s clear that he’s not since I’m convinced he talks to other girls whether it’s just like he talks to me or less, doesn’t matter, I still see it as cheating during a talking stage, I do talk to people online, I have three online friends with the same dreams as me, they’re all guys, we speak together about mental health, music, and working together one day, but I know what my intentions are that’s why I don’t feel bad, I don’t feel the way talking to my online friends as I talk to him, he’s someone I thought of marrying as he talked to me about it, some people just date to have someone not aiming marriage, idk him rushing it is love bombing or I’m truly the first and only person hens talked to about and felt it was going to happen, those people I talk to online are part of my business life, I work with them, and they are my friends, humans just like me with a dream in the path of music, he is part of my love life, friends it’s plenty, but one person only when it comes to your love life and that’s him, there’s a huge difference

well all I can guarantee is me finding my true happiness which is what I wanted since the beginning so I’ll work on that as I know that’s what’ll make me happy and never deceive me, but him I can’t guarantee his presence, I never had any bad intention towards him, I’ve never loved someone or dated, he’s the first, I’m pure on the inside and genuine, I don’t talk to guys in the way where it’s flirty, it’s all friendships, Well we got one year together in school, that will be my last year then I’m out the country, i need to hustle as my family do not have the financial ability to move me out to a different country and pay for college/uni, I’ll have to rely on myself for a scholarship which would be very hard as my results haven’t been good throughout the years, I nose dived in terms of grades over the years, I used to get very good grades, everything degraded over time due to my environment, school fuked me up physically and mentally, story for another time, I’ve been working on finding myself back but I keep giving up, each year getting a good grade gets harder, and I’m not stable, I’m still trying, I have a year left, where I have to work on leaving and getting around different people, I just want a different environment, I want to live by my own, the farther I’m from my family the better I’m working and feeling, that’s how it is, too much unnecessary stress and thinking over dumb stuff, I just wanna be out, lock myself for the first uni year by the time he’s done with highschool that year, I want to lock myself and make something very great out of my life, So much I want to do, I know I wouldn’t want to talk to other guys, I just want to work on myself and come out as a different person so even if he decides to cut me off then it’s his loss on so much I have planned for us, find yourself someone else in this genuine, not trying to be cocky I’m just being honest, I’m very pure and simple on the inside, if it’s you it’s you only, I’ve been planning on meeting with my online friends before I met him, I can take him with me, no problem, share this experience and see this is nothing but a friendship, I don’t mind, I’ve never been loved, also was taken advantage of growing up, grew up as an observer and learned a lot about people, so I can relate, I wouldn’t want to treat him the way people treated me, I was going to give him my all

but anyways one thing that’s bothering me a lot is me not being on track, I need to get back on track, and then if he isn’t staying in my life then I wouldn’t say no problem, I’d course it’s not going to be easy because I’m simply attached, I want you and you only, I don’t want to get to know anybody else, I don’t want to date anybody else, I want you simply, I don’t want to start over i want to move forward, but if he’s fucking up then I can’t fix anything, he needs to recognize he’s in the wrong and fix himself, he’s hurt me enough times, but that’s only a sign to me that this is not going where I want it to be, I keep lying to myself, but it’s clear, it’s just I’m not accepting it

I keep tearing up but I truly don’t want to lose him

I’ll work on myself for this next month, then we’re starting school and I have the year to get to know him better in real life, a lot can change over that time whether it’s good or bad but I want to guarantee myself the good part which is leaving the country and me getting closer and closer to my goal, one of them is leaving the country as i know change of environment affects me a lot, even when I’m in the same country when I’m around certain people I get life back in me and I’m motivated to do anything, as soon as I’m back home it’s like my energy gets drained and I don’t get anything done and don’t have that same drive anymore