my junk from scratch

I've been having a harder time of it this last week.

I don't know if it's because he cauterized that part on the inside of my left scrotum or what but I can see several parts that are red and weepy, even dabs of blood- and It didn't seem like that before the apt. Things are more swollen despite icing it.

Part could also just be that I'm nervous about getting back home, thinking about going back to work eventually, and also my partner who has been here helping out leaves on Sunday and has to have a tooth extraction today at 11am so will be MIA for the rest of today- our last full day in the hotel.

I'm trying to take things easy, and remind myself I don't have to do much of anything except sleep, eat, and empty my catheter, but I have so much in my head that it's hard to not feel guilty for not doing just "one more thing" before I settle down.

On day 3 they began to talk about discharge. I had a 9am to noon zoom call for clinical that day, so I had to be "professional" but they already knew i was going to be i the hospital. They demanded that i'd be on video, but i only could do what i could do. The doctor came in at like 6am that morning, and we turned my epidural down by 1/3, with the plan of discontinuing it completely. By 11am of my zoom call, my pain was getting pretty bad. I had asked a couple times for something for pain by that point and nobody came back. I had to turn off the video of my call because i was rolling around in the bed trying to get comfortable and i really didn't want to take the chance of mooning the screen or something. Finally the nurse came back and i asked for "The strongest thing that she could give me that wasn't narcotic"- the only thing they had ordered was tylenol (besides opiate things that give me migraines- i assume they figured I'd take them anyway if the pain was bad enough, not understanding how severe my migraines get). I asked for an ice pack and the tylenol, and asked about NSAIDS. Within an hour they had me on scheduled NSAID injection again. This was the worst pain day i had- i hit an 8/10 of pain, but most days i was no more than a 6/10 at its worst. By the end of the zoom call, from maybe 11am to noon, i was not able to focus or watch the screen. i followed along with my ears but i really wasn't paying too much attention. The leader told me it was okay and my preceptor would catch me up. I napped. at some point they turned my epidural completely off, but the pain didn't get worse from the morning. By that evening, i ws feeling a lot better. Parker showed up about dinner time, and again, my bed was soaked. i got up, sat in the chair, and walked for quite some time (in the room only). As long as i had access to ice and stayed on the tylenol and NSAID i was doing fine. Starting in the evening, i began asking about switching to the oral NSAID i would be going home on but all the nurses kept telling me "i don't know." My IV went bad overnight, so i didn't get any NSAID from about 11pm on. In the morning, thursday, they told me i would probably go home if i felt up for it, and I asked yes, please, and if I could get the first dose of my oral NSAID asap, since it had been so long. Anesthesia removed my epidural catheter and said I had no activity restrictions so shortly after that, I got up and began to pack, got washed up, and changed into street clothes. I didn't realize it, but the catheter was pinching in my spine, and as soon as that was out, the feeling of a pinched nerve in my back went away immediately. (I always have back pain so I always ignore it. i thought it was from sleeping on the bad hospital bed). As I'm up in the chair, I'm able to manage my own catheter, which means that the leaking from my SP site was a lot less (no back-flow in the tube). I still had a bunch of padding gauze in my pants around my surgery site, but minimal to no drainage from the incisions so i really didn't feel like i needed it. They sent me home with an unbelievable amount of dressing supplies. I was out of the hospital and home by probably 1pm on Thursday. They told me that someone would be calling me to schedule my followup, but by 4pm nobody had so i sent them a message via the MyChart app. That evening, i even had energy to go for a walk around the neighborhood and check out little shops. We ended up doing maybe 2 miles, slowly. Things are still very swollen at this point, bruised. I'm icing basically until the last pack melts and putting a new pack on. Friday, still no call for an apt but I was lazy and didn't follow up. i honestly don't remember what we did this day. one of these days, we walked 3.6 miles but the next day i was EXHAUSTED and everything down below was more sore and swollen so i had an enforced home day. I still never had severe pain, mostly staying around a 2/3 with spikes to a 6. Sunday, i realized that i'd been peeing a bit out of my urethra when i had

Here's the rundown. (Long post, catching up the last 4 days)

Although the website shows 8 surgeons across the USA as in network, and that i have coverage to have the surgery, i’m being told it’s “not covered if you have to go out of state” and that there are no providers in state who are in network who can do what needs done. 

Been quiet.

Im 1 year at my new job which means I qualify for Medical leave. It also has bottom surgery insurance coverage so again im on my hunt.

Im stable in my weight, about where i was the last post, give or take 5 pounds depending on the week. Its down from my high on T and still heavier than it should be, but out of the obese category.

Ive got a list of surgeons that are in network and can do what i want. In the time it's taken me to get things straighten, I've been more comfortable in my ace identity and realized that im less concerned with phalloplasty and meta will be fine if i can STP.

I plan to get a couple consults from my top surgeons and then figure out scheduling, hopefully for early 2020.

I'm tired. I'm anxious and frustrated.

I paid for the specialty insurance for about two years with no forward momentum on the surgery.

I started a new diet plan/nutritional lifestyle (ketogenic) in July and I've lost about 20 lbs (35 down from my max, about 5 lbs above my top surgery weight/the weight i started T on). I'm slowly working towards it and progress is being made.

I started a new job in July also, that's a long story but I expect to be here for quite some time. They have significant trans protections and cover surgeries (including bottom surgery).

I won't be able to follow up with that until I've been here at least a year and can apply for FMLA but after that point I can do that, and save Vacation days etc.

It's something.