Maydismay

it still feels as familiar as it did the last time, years ago— curling up in the car, putting on sad songs to get rid of this emptiness, trying to cry until the tears are flowing so much I can’t breathe, sitting on the grass, throwing up in the backyard, staring at the stars, wondering how things got this way. I am so tired of fighting for things that will never be mine, trying to explain how special people are to people who will never see them in the same light as I do, loving people in ways I am scared to say out loud— I want you to know how badly I miss you the second I leave but I don’t think telling you would change anything. I don’t know how to change anything. I don’t know how to make you want me. I keep fucking up because I don’t know how to be anyone else but me. I feel inferior. I wish I could change things. I would do literally anything to make you feel the same way as me.