alive @maxs-kingdom - Tumblr Blog

Why do we keep changing our collective name

No like why. We used to be Max (it's just me), and then we were/are Cerberus/Cerbie (not a preference anymore but eh), and then we go by Orion, and now we're fucking PLUTO TOO???

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Why do we keep changing our collective name

maxs-kingdom

HWAT THE FUCK???? WHAT THE FUCK THESE ARE FROM LIKE 2019?,????

WHY WAS I GODDAMN TWINK????

maxs-kingdom

I look back on these times with both fondness and regret.

I was so happy and carefree, but i was naive with how I felt and how to treat others.

I was so loving and caring, but I was overly trusting and took on everyone's problems.

I was the most pure form of myself, but I ignored my own emotions and memories in favor of being the me I had once been.

I don't regret being that young and carefree, but I look back on those times silently wishing I could tell my younger self that he needed to set boundaries and show restraint.

I look back on my past me as someone who needed guidance, but refused to accept it.

And now, five years later, I've changed.

Would I look like this had I done things differently? Would I still be host had I done something else or made another choice?

HWAT THE FUCK???? WHAT THE FUCK THESE ARE FROM LIKE 2019?,????

WHY WAS I GODDAMN TWINK????

I'm thinking, again. I'm thinking of the long nights; of the voice calls and the cuddling under a sheet.

It hurts to think of. I like to think I'm numb to it, but it's really getting to me tonight. I can't keep my thoughts off of those moments together.

I want to sleep again.

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I'm alive, unfortunately.

I can't tell if I want to go on.

I might ask Talopea to force me into dormancy.

I can't do it.

#tw dormancy #dormancy talk #vent post #venting #tw vent #tw venting

There are nights i just want to cry myself to sleep. Tonight is one of them.

I miss them. They're all gone, I know that. It's just Talopea and me. I know that. I know that. I fucking know that.

So why does it hurt? Why do I miss them? Why do I cry whenever I think of them? Everyone disappeared, and I just want to cry.

#vent post #venting #tw vent #tw venting

I miss him.

#/dir

I hate this. I hate this. I FUCKING HATE THIS.

#vent post #venting #tw vent #tw venting

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I have never before drawn fur. This was hell.

Wow I really should just kill myself

#/hsrs #vent post #venting #tw vent #tw venting

There are days I want to revert back to who I was and fucking hurt others. Hurt the system's friends, hurt other alters... I want to hurt them sometimes.

I know I'm not a good person (Deer? Anthro? Am I even a person if I'm not a human?) But why do I have to have these thoughts, these urges, these urges to destroy and ruin the good things. What did I do to deserve to be a shitty being.

Sometimes, when all others have fallen asleep in-system, I stare up at the blank, white ceiling of the fronting room, and I cry. I cry as quietly as I can because if I wake up the other three (only two are near me, Accer is still behind glass walls), if I wake them up, they will ask questions, and questions are the opposite of what I want.

I cry because I want to hurt people. Hurting people means I don't have to worry anymore, worry if they'll hurt me like the people I cared about most did. If I cut them off or scare them off, I won't have to live in fear of the betrayal that is certain to happen. It won't happen if I do it first.

I am a bad person. I am the worst Max I can be.

#vent post #venting #tw vent #tw venting

I caved

Because I am in the middle of moving my drawing tablet and laptop are in a box somewhere. So instead I grabbed my chromebook, opened Magma, and then drew a semi up-to-date headshot of what I look like.

I refuse to draw a fullbody.

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If you've ever wondered what extreme anger issues, limited therapy, and an anger trigger do, just look at my internal form. It's not pretty.

You still make me angry. I hear your name and I get violent.

How dare you.

You stole my title and my person. I hate you. I'd kill you if I could. You're not me. You're not FUCKING me.

I hate you.

#vent post #venting #tw vent #tw venting

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