MaximumKillshot

The girl that makes it a mission to flirt with or even steal anyone’s boyfriend that she can and of course that’s the girl that Chris ends up bumping into in the kitchen. He left you on the couch to grab you both a brownie from the snack display and now he’s got her laughing about god knows what with that damned smirk on his lips. That smirk is for you only. Why is he giving it out like candy to women he doesn’t even know! 

That was enough for you to text him and now you’re here, watching with crossed arms as he excuses himself from the conversation, nodding his head towards her politely before setting his sights on you. He’s quick as he crosses the room, taking his previous seat beside you and sighing when you turn away from him.

“What was this about me cheating on you?” His breath is hot on your neck as he whispers to you. The feeling mixed with the sound of his voice is almost enough to sweep your annoyance under the rug. Almost. 

“Don’t act like you don’t know.” He snakes his arm around you and pulls you into his side, ignoring the ogling eyes of your friends scattered across the living room. “You seemed real comfortable over there.”

“I was being friendly, baby.” His light chuckle earns an eye roll from you. “I never pinned you as the jealous type.” 

“I’m not jealous.” 

“Then why did you insinuate that I’m cheating on you with a woman that I just met?” 

“You were smiling at her.” He raises an eyebrow as he takes a second to study you. Are you really upset at him? “Look at me.” His voice is soft but there’s a certain ring to it that you can’t quite put your finger on but that doesn’t matter because you don’t plan to listen anyway.

“Babygirl.” He calls for your attention and sighs when you continue to ignore him. You part your lips to speak but the words die on your tongue when he takes your chin between his thumb and pointer finger to turn your gaze to his. “Listen to me, okay?”

You huff a breath that you weren’t even aware you were holding as you maintain eye contact with him. You’re still mad but looking deep into Chris’ honey eyes is not something that you could ever pass up. They’re just sparkly and pretty and - what the fuck, you’re supposed to be mad at him.

“I’m yours.” His voice is loud enough that anyone standing by you could hear him and you’re more than positive that a couple people around you did actually hear his profession. “Only yours, always yours. No one else here catches my eye.” 

You’re hanging onto his every word like velcro and you can’t help but to feel your heart - and something else - flutter at the sound of his voice. “Want me to stop smiling at people?” He asks, a smirk adorning the very lips that your ‘friend’ was staring at. 

“Just her.” You huff another breath as you allow yourself to melt a bit into his touch. He moves his hand from your face so that it’s resting on your thigh. Tracing over the skin peaking through the slit in your skirt. “She’s a total homewrecker. Can’t be trusted with anyone’s man.” 

Chris nods his head slowly as the information sinks in. “That explains why she asked how long we’ve been dating and if we live together.”

“She did what?” Your blood is boiling in an instant and your eyes start darting around the room to find that ratty woman but Chris steals your gaze back before your eyes land on her. 

“Don’t worry about her.”

“But she -”

“I don’t even remember her name, baby.” He scoots a bit closer to you which seems impossible with the way that he’s practically a part of your body already. “I don’t remember anything about her. Every other woman is featureless compared to you.”

The blush on your cheeks lets Chris know that he’s successfully talked you down from your ledge of anger but you keep your fake attitude to maintain the edge that you had before. You can’t let him off that easily. “You can stop sucking up to me now.”

“Do you believe me?” He smirks down at you and you avert your gaze to avoid smiling like an idiot. Maybe you can let him off that easily cause he’s sweet and he loves you or whatever - Ahh gosh he totally loves you. “Yes, I believe you.”

You roll your eyes with a smile and Chris laughs at your attempt to sass him. “I have an offer for you.” You stare back at him with pinched brows but his smile doesn’t waver. “Let’s get out of here and I’ll show you that I don’t care for anyone else but you.”

You smile in an attempt to distract him from the way that you shiver in his hold. “What did you have in mind?” He leans closer, his lips brushing the shell off your ear.

“Take a picture of me tasting your pretty cunt.” Your thighs press together, his filthy words and his husky voice whispering in your ear can and most likely will turn you into niagara falls if he keeps it up. “Then send it to whoever you think wants me.” 

“Are you serious?”  You whisper back and he pulls back to catch your gaze. He doesn’t even need to verbally confirm his offer, the look in his eyes is telling enough. 

“So serious.” He leans in, placing a quick kiss to your lips. “Wanna take the offer?”

He almost giggled to himself when he thought about how much of an opposite to you he was. He never slept gracefully. Mostly landing on the opposite side of the bed where he started from and limbs either starfished or belly down smothering himself in the pillow. He was wondering if there was anyone else that he knows that looks as pretty as you do sleeping. Jisung looks cute but not pretty. Hyunjin looks almost angry as he sleeps, Minho can sleep with his eyes open which is just unsettling at times, I.N. sleeps in a ball (fox fits him perfectly), Chan looks catatonic, Minnie looks peaceful, but also slightly angry, Lixie however. He slept pretty. Sometimes Bin would love it when Lix would choose him as a pillow, especially during touring. Lix was always so nervous, so much so that sometimes Bin would get a call from his sunshine twin for help. Felix couldn’t sleep without cuddling him. So most days Bin would Tell I.N. goodnight after a shower and head to Lix’s room. He remembered just after day 2 of a Los Angeles show Felix showed up to his room. One minute they were talking, the next Bin woke up to Lix flattened like a pancake between the wall and himself. He remembers trying to move away from Lix’ and hearing Felix groaning and saying, “Hyung… no come back,” with grabby hands. He remembered looking down at him and saying, “You need to breathe Yongbok-ah” as he chuckled. Felix looked up and smirked as he said, “I’m breathing, now come back…” as Felix locked onto him. There Changbin was stuck for the better half of an hour as Felix went back to sleep. 

Also like Felix, you would sleep like a rock next to Changbin, but when Changbin would wake up or even shift, your eyes would open, making sure he wasn’t leaving. If he was, he would need to either bargain or say where he was going. Changbin, now that he thinks about it, recognizes that you and Felix have a very unique relationship. It’s not just because you have a unique relationship with each one of the members either. You and Felix have been through a lot, him being the first you called a friend. There was a lot of culture shock when you moved from New York to Seoul. Felix stood up with you through all of the jetlag and, although you could speak Korean in a limited capacity before you moved, it was nowhere near what you needed to speak to survive. 

Felix rented an apartment with you until you could get on your feet, so you didn’t feel so alone in a foreign country. He also did exercises with you in Korean, so you could learn the language better. He helped you form shortcuts for memorizing the Hangul and even helped you with the more advanced speaking by watching K-dramas with you. He’d pause it every few seconds to teach you about what you just heard. It’s because of Felix that you speak fluently after five years. Bin remembered those moments, coming over the apartment to help teach you. He knew there was nothing else expected behind Felix’s kindness aside from, “I understand that it’s hard, let me take some pressure off, yeah?” He could practically hear the thick Aussie accent as he reminisced. 

Changbin looked at your hands, he could see the signs of anxiety healing on them. He knew all too well how your anxiety slams into you. You pick at your nails at times and your nails are short because of it, it’s something you’ve been trying to work on since you had teeth. However, now they seem to be healing. That made him feel good. They were a representation of your mood, your healing process. It was not often that he looked at you without a pang of guilt, however. Lately, it’s still touch and go. He always felt a slight worry at the fact that you were married to Chris and not himself, now it’s full blown panic, rightfully so. If he was married to you he would be able to be closer to you, make sure you’re happy; now that line was blocking him. He knew the line was there, he felt it in the earth between the both of you. That line that used to be so defined, now blurring. That guilt shifting focus, instead of guilt for looking at you fondly, now morphing into guilt about this entire situation. If he would’ve spoken up, you wouldn’t be like this. If he would’ve said what Minho, Felix, Han, and himself were thinking; you wouldn’t be here. 

There were so many times that he’s found you in the midst of a panic attack, on edge thinking Chris would come home, just to have the rug snatched from under you. Sometimes he’d see you choking back tears as you are doing dishes, seeing no sign of Chan’s favorite mug, meaning he never came home. Smelling his cologne in the morning was the worst. Bin would find you curled on Chan’s side of the bed, asking why he left without saying anything. Questioning your worth. There was no stability for you, no peace. He wanted to tell you to get a divorce so many times. It was something that everyone who spent time with you wanted to scream. Seeing you suffer was and still is torture. Bin never knew how to bring it up though. He knows that you said that you’d leave Chan… But would you?

The press, the company, the fans, all of them would tear you apart. It’d be a massacre, if anything. The company made a show of it. The first public K-Pop couple, going public willingly. “The king and queen of K-Pop”, Chan from the Stray Kids falls in love with one of the best photographers in the business… The headlines made Bin choke at first. It shouldn’t have been that title, this situation, that circumstance. Chan’s hand should’ve never been in yours. Chan’s knee should’ve never touched the Earth, his hand should’ve never reached in his pocket to fish out a tiny black box. More than anything, the press should’ve never known anything. The backlash wasn’t terrible, with Chan protecting you for once. But now? That made his heart rate pick up. 

He wanted to keep you here. Safe and content, sleeping on his arm in the dawn of the morning in the middle of a living room floor. Hair tousled, surrounded by plushies, cradling you as you rest. No, not here, he refused to think about it. He refused to believe that anything bad would happen to you, not in his arms, in the safe space he made for you the same moment he met you. The past three days have been from Hell, yet you and him found strength in each other. He goes back to the second episode, the way you clung onto him, your hand barely able to fit half of his forearm. You stood here for him. You breathed for him. All because he asked you to. You fell fully expecting no one to catch you, since Chan never did. Instead, just like the plushies, his boys, your boys, caught you. Bin lunged for you, grabbed your hand and didn’t let go. He refused to, not after what he saw. What you went through. Not with how much he loves you.

Love is a strong word, now that Bin thinks about it. It’s unconditional. When you truly love someone, you don’t care about the ‘what’s’in life. What if someone found out, what if something happens, what are the risks? None of them matter. What matters is that person. He can’t remember a day after he met you where his needs ever superseded your own. It was natural to him. Do you need help carrying something? He’ll carry it all! Do you need an opinion on this photo? He drops all of his responsibilities for you. Chan never loved you. That pang in Bin’s chest came back. He had to face it. Yes, Chan never loved you. Yes, Chan used you as a tool, a tactic. Yes, he broke you. If anything, Chan was shitty at acting like he cared, but everyone didn’t want to see it, yourself included. Not anymore. 

You have gone through too much to be treated like an afterthought. Bin will chase any monster away, he’ll fight anyone who tries to come near you with any other motive other than to help you. You shifted a little in your sleep and your hair fell from your now messy bun. He smiled seeing the scrunch of your nose as a strand of hair tickled you. He laid on his side to completely face you. He gently moved the offending strand out of the way, drinking in your presence. You sighed happily and your nostrils flared, chasing Bin’s hand slightly. Bin knew what you wanted, he cupped your face gently as you smirked, still in sleep. It’s these little things that melt Changbin. The fact that even when sleeping you miss the people you love, even if they’re right next to you. You do the same thing to Hannie and Lixie as well. Mere seconds later you shivered. You blindly turned around, angel in hand and got closer to Changbin, making yourself the little spoon. Changbin used two plushies as stacked pillows so he could rest his head as he cuddled you.

“Warmer?” Bin asked as he looped his hand over your body and the angel, his arm resting in the dip of your waist. He had a smile creeping on his face, he was like Chan in the right circumstances, a literal furnace. So resting with him was the best. Like a heated pillow and blanket draped over you. He knew that when you’re cold you seek warmth, especially when drowsy so he was waiting for you to start to migrate closer to him.

Soon your shivers stopped as you said, “mhm thanks Binnie” and you kissed his bicep, your version of a “thank you” as you melted into Bin’s chest. That interaction, once again, isn’t new. You kiss everyone, in appropriate places of course. It’s just how you are. If you’re cuddling with Hannie you peck him on the palm of his hands, if it’s Lixie or Minho, it's the cheeks all day every day. For Bin you peck his chest and arms. Bin as well as the others communicate the same way with you, Bin’s favorite places are the crown of your head and your forehead. Most of the boys follow suit with that tight parameter, except for Innah who will peck your hands, your fingers, whatever is accessible, even on the shoulder if you are cooking or something. 

Bin caught him pecking your shoulder once as a thanks and he yelled, “Yah! What makes you so special??”, just to hear you say, “Aye! Don’t yell at my baby! Lookathim, he’s just a baby,” you cooed as you squished his cheeks and scratched his scalp. I.N. just had a shit eating grin as he said, “Hyung, why are you mad at me? I’m just a baby…” Bin just said, “yeah tell that to your browser history.” You immediately went into a fit of laughter as Innah said, “How do you know about that??” Bin just looked at him and yelled, “get off the group email, you degenerate!” Bin, when he couldn’t get to your head, like that night, he’ll kiss your hands as he holds them. He remembered and held onto the memories between you and the boys, smiling as he watched you in your sleep. 

Eventually Minho got up and took a picture of course, Bin didn’t care though, as long as you weren’t disturbed. A little after Minho came and went, Hannie popped out of Lix’s room, he had an intent to his movements.

 See, there is this thing Hannie does. As soon as he gets up he is very cuddly, not to anyone else except you. He always saw you as his sister, the one he never had. It’s because of that he has this need to make sure you’re okay and he does that by early morning cuddles. That all started after you asked if you could sleep in one of the boy’s beds at night, missing the feeling of a body next to you. Han noticed that whenever you were either in your bed or Bin’s he would wake up with anxiety, his hands searching for you before his eyes even opened. It only dawned on him recently that for the first two weeks of asking, every night you approached Hannie. When he asked you why you hadn't asked Bin or Jinnie, you had said that you didn’t know how to ask Bin. Eventually, you did get around to asking Bin and he was fine with it. Hannie always knew mornings were the worst for you. He walked in many times, just like Bin did, when you’d be crying on Chan’s pillow. He noticed you didn’t do that when there was a body next to you. It didn’t matter how disheveled either of them looked, you would cuddle up and fall right back to sleep peacefully. 

The first time Han did this, he found you in your morning ritual of crying, then you felt the bed behind you dip, knowing it wasn’t Chris but one of the boys. You could even tell which one, it was Han. He always stepped lighter around you, especially when you were crying or sad. He knew that you would get startled otherwise. His heart only cracked further when you didn’t flinch or question who it was. Han didn’t say anything, he just delicately dug his hands into the ball you made of your body and he dragged you to himself.  He covered the both of you with the blankets and he whispered, “You don’t need that Anya, let that go for me. Come here, hold on to me… there you go... Good job Anya”. You let go of your husband’s pillow and grabbed on to Hannie, digging into his chest as you cried. His deep rumble soothing you as he said, “I’m so sorry, my heart breaks Anya. You don’t deserve this. Worth so much more. I got you, breathe.” Ever since then, Han always searched you out in the mornings. 

Hannie looked at Bin and yourself and laid down on the makeshift bed as he made himself known. At this point it’s so routine that you don’t even get startled. Hannie just turned you so you were now facing Bin, and Hannie dragged you to himself, gently of course.

“Hannie?” You groaned. You were so warm and all you could register was the feeling of being moved. You knew it was Hannie, you smirked to yourself as you waited for him to announce himself. Bin looked at the pair of you and couldn’t help but smile. This ritual that you and Hannie had was probably the cutest thing he has seen. The fact that it’s now routine is something that makes him so happy. The fact that all of the boys love you so much, it makes him not only proud of the boys, but it makes him happy to know that you will always have someone in your corner.

Han just whispers, “Mhm it’s me Anya, get some sleep, just holding you, that okay?” Forever the gentleman asking permission. You nodded and he pulled you in, the last thing you remembered was the momentary cold of the comforter as you were being pulled.  All that you registered after that was the rumble of the warm chest behind you as he spoke softly to Bin. After that you passed back out instantaneously. 

“How did she sleep?” Han asked. He was worried about how the first night went. He didn’t want you to feel crowded, which is why he slept on Lix’s floor, no comforter but he packed his sleeping bag in his overnight bag so he had no problem sleeping there.

“Good, I think.” Bin responded. Luckily Bin slept a little better, but he wouldn’t tell anyone about the sudden episodes, waking with a need to feel you close to him. The last thing he remembers of the nightmares being images of Chris trying to get to you. Some being of you unmoving, or of you willingly letting go of him. Those times he was so grateful that you wanted him to be in the bed with you. He’d immediately feel you close and he'd pass back out, not needing to open his eyes. 

“That’s good.” Han said. He could see it in Bin’s eyes. He’s been friends with him for almost a decade, in a lot of ways they grew up together, Bin may be good at hiding, but not good enough to hide from Han. “So are you going to tell me what is going on in your head now, hyung?” Han looked down, petting your hair back as he waited for the answer. 

“Just trust me when I say you don’t want any of the ideas implanted in your head, Han. I know I am not okay right now. As soon as she starts therapy, I’m going right after her,” Bin’s face was hard as he looked at Han, if he didn’t have that scowl on his face, he knew he’d collapse. “I’m sorry I scared you earlier… I should have more composure than I did.” Han knew exactly what he was talking about. Han was terrified in that waiting room, seeing Bin’s entire demeanor shift. His happy, funny, go lucky brother… just gone, replaced with anger, pain, suffering incarnate. 

Han looked at him, “I’m not going to lie, it did terrify me, you meant every word of what you said.” He saw Bin’s eyebrows drop, his lips went from tight to relaxed, almost downturned as his jaw clenched momentarily, his mouth opened in a tiny breath. Han continued, “But you also need to know that your reaction is justified. You had and still have every right to be enraged. It’s not your fault that all of this happened. Chris is a manipulator, he had this show well rehearsed. We didn’t see it. We all didn’t see it Bin. So please don’t blame yourself, because it’s just like what Y/N told Minho, we aren’t responsible for another man’s actions.”

“I don’t know why he did it. I keep on racking my brain. She did everything possible to make him happy. She tore herself apart for him.” Changbin always had that in the back of his head whenever he had time to himself. Even if he was just using the restroom, he couldn’t fathom why. That was when Changbin realized, anything you did, wasn't going to be enough. You already gave him so much yet he just didn't care. He wanted more, like a black hole in your life. You can never fill a glass with a hole in the bottom.

Han said, “The why doesn’t matter. What matters is her.” He tilted his head to you, “I got a call from management, they’re giving us two months off. Apparently Chris let them know what happened.” Bin’s jaw opened and Han cut him off before a syllable could be uttered, “I asked them specifically what he said, they told me. The story he gave checked out. He told them the truth. Which honestly scares me more, Bin.” Changbin’s heart dropped once he heard that. “Oh God. Okay. I’ll talk to PR and see what the plan is.” He responded. “I’ll do it later though. I… we just need peace right now. I need to go out. Get her some sanitary items and I’m going to grab more medicine, a heating pad, all of that.” This isn’t Bin’s first rodeo, he has an older sister who basically taught him everything about the reproductive system. Bin has also shared a bathroom with you for years so he already knows your size, your flow throughout it, all of it. 

Since you were now cuddling Han, Changbin is now free. Knowing he had a few things to do he grabbed his overnight bag and opened it. Grabbing his shower gel, toothbrush, change of clothes and his razor. Bin hasn’t ever been more excited to shower and shave. He hasn’t done things like that since the morning of when it happened.  

He headed to the shower and set up. As he undressed his mind was blank. He was focused on getting you what you need and coming back as quickly as possible. Bin was in the shower for a while, letting it seep into his bones. He could feel the sensation start in his throat. The recognizable tightness in his throat, his heart heavier than the previous time he had this urge. His breathing ragged, he wondered what he could’ve done differently, he didn’t want to lose you. Logically, he knew he wouldn't. But would you hold it against him for not saying anything about what he was feeling about the marriage? Would you hate him? He could hear you laugh and see your smile as his chest tightened. He saw all of the looks on your face that night and the pain that he tried to quell. He tried to remind himself that this isn’t his fault. He couldn’t hold it in anymore as he let the sobs rack his body silently. He focused on the sound of the water hitting all around him in the shower.

After letting some of it out. He looked up, letting the water rain down on him. It allowed him to breathe. He felt better after he finished his shower. As soon as he looked in the mirror on the wall just above the sink he realized something. Changbin hasn’t looked in a mirror in days. His eyes always focused on you. He wiped the steam away as he saw himself. His face dusted with the beginnings of a 5 o’clock shadow, his hair wet and already looking a little curly. He also noticed the slightest bags under his eyes, which didn’t surprise him. He reminisced at how obsessed you were over his curls. 

You yourself helped him with his hair routine when you noticed how crunchy the curls were. You ran to the store to get all the necessary hair products and you taught him how to relax the curls and not fight them. He looked at the products laid out in front of him smiling. After he styled his hair he headed out.

It was maybe an hour later that the house came back to life, well relatively. Han wanted you to sleep as much as possible so he scolded whoever came in and made too much noise. It was only so long Minho could hold out though, so he decided to make Hotteok, a close to American pancake filled with sugar, walnuts, and cinnamon. For yours he put in extra things like dark chocolate, berries, and mango, for your iron count. Everyone else got the basic version. Which Han grumbled about but Minho just ignored him. As Han went to the restroom you stirred at the sounds and smells in the kitchen. You felt behind you for Han and you didn’t find him, so you reached in front of you, knowing Binnie was there, but he wasn’t. 

You opened your eyes reluctantly as you got your bearings. You couldn’t really grasp that Bin could possibly be out but all you know is that your nose is still a little sensitive. For some reason you are craving Changbin’s scent. It happened a few times when you were carrying, but the urge was never this bad. You needed to smell his fresh scented cologne and the slight hint of him, the perfect combo you’d always get when you’d nestle into his neck. 

You tried smelling his pillow, the scent too faint to quench your craving. You smelled the comforter and it wasn’t near enough for you. Then you saw him. You grabbed the plush and buried your face in it. It was exactly what you needed, taking a deep breath in and relaxing. You got up slowly, your body still sore. You grunted as you finally made it to your feet. You heard Minho humming in the kitchen and decided on going there. 

Minho could hear the pattering of bare feet behind him. Then your sleepy voice spoke out, “MinMin?” Minho turned around and smiled softly at you, then he noticed what was in your hands.

“Beautiful? Why are you holding Gyu?” he asked as he worked on filling the pancakes.

You replied in the smallest voice, “Smells like him. Where’s Binnie?” Minho’s face softened hearing you say that. All of the boys knew that your cravings were still ongoing but it was something new that you craved smells too,well, to Minho at least. You had this problem even when you were still carrying, you would enlist Seungmin’s help. Seungmin’s scent was something you were obsessed with in the first month. Seungmin, of course being the friend he is, researched why you needed to smell him, finding that yes scents are a part of pregnancy cravings. Some days you would just ask to smell him and he had no problem coming over just for you to cuddle up to him on the couch for a few hours, unintentionally rolling around in his grip like a cat rolls in catnip.  Whenever Seungmin caught you doing that he would poke fun at you, but in all honesty it was the cutest thing he’s seen.

“Changbin went out to get you some things. He should be back soon.”

“Ok… what are you making?” You asked as you tried to see what he was up to.

“Breakfast, I’m making yours with mango, berries, and dark chocolate.” He said as you smiled excitedly. You heard Han’s voice behind you, “I told you not to wake her, hyung.” 

As soon as you turned around Han’s heart melted as he said, “Wh-What are you doing with Gyu, Anya??” You could tell Han was three seconds away from squealing and waking up the house officially. 

You answered in a tiny voice, realizing that you probably look very cute, hugging Gyu to your chest and still in pajamas. “Gyu smells like him… Waiting for my Binnie to come home.” You buried your face into Gyu as you looked up at Hannie. 

“How are you this CUTE?!” Han squealed.

Minho immediately said, “YAH keep it DOWN!” 

That made you giggle uncontrollably as you sniffed Gyu. Han ran out of the kitchen and came back with his phone, “Can I take a picture? You are too cute right now.”

You nodded, and just like that the picture was taken as you rubbed your eyes with one hand, making Hannie coo at the picture. He went into the group chat (Obviously without Chris in it.) 

When you woke the next morning you weren’t sure what you expected. The night before flooded back with eased disregard for your own mental wellbeing. Just the idea of sitting up from your plush bed was terrible. It was only when said bed lifted and relaxed under you that you thought to make a move. Slowly with caution you turned to find your head was rested against Changbin’s chest. You remembered having asked him to stay with you, sleep beside you. A nightmare startled you both awake. It was rare you wanted company in your bed. Rarer you’d cling to them. You distinctly remember having fallen asleep with your hand in his. This..wasn’t how you fell asleep. With your legs tangled into his hand still clasped together beside your head that rested just below his pecs. It explained why your bed had felt as though it was breathing under you..Because it literally was. Changbin groaned above you as he blinked his eyes open. You allowed him a moment to scan the room. To give himself the chance to remember where he was. When he did he looked down at you his eyes sparkled to have found you cuddled up against him.

“Good morning Whimsy,”

“Morning,” you smiled back before you sat up. You laughed when he protested you getting up but he didn’t stop you. “Come on sleepy head, you have NIZI,” he groaned once more before he followed you out of the bed. You didn’t have any clothes to offer him. To which you apologized for. He waved you off and headed downstairs to let you get ready for the day. As you looked through your closet then down at your phone. The boys had a photo shoot later in the day one you would attend to keep them safe across the sets. While JYP always did his best to have areas blocked for his artists you never know what could happen. You had a feeling after going to the police station you’d go straight to work. With your uniform on you joined Changbin downstairs. He was settled in your kitchen as he whipped up a quick meal for you both. Quietly you stood beside him to watch as he took what very little you had in your kitchen into a meal. It wasn’t much but you loved every second of it. You allowed your eyes to wander his frame as he mixed the yogurt and granola in one of your smaller mixing bowls. It was there you spied the scratches over his wrist. Slowly your hand reached to clasped over his hand to pull the wrist toward you. “I’m so sorry. Changbin..”

“Oh, Whimsy. This is nothing compared to your hands. Barely noticeable. Don’t worry about me,” the hand you took moved from your fingers to caress your cheek. His thumb rubbed over the apple of your cheek. You turned your face into it and sighed softly before he moved away to finish breakfast. “You never meant to hurt me. Are you ready??”

“Almost,” you moved away from the kitchen to the stack of boxes. Hidden at the very bottom of the small stack was a box that didn’t quite fit in with the rest. Gently you pulled it free from the rest. It was a filing box, the contents from within heavy..Filled with the details of your life in America. You set it aside on the kitchen counter as Changbin handed you a bowl filled with your parfait. “Ready, come on Bin. I don’t want you late,” he laughed as he followed you out the door with his own bowl in hand. In the car he let you pick the music he laughed when some of their music came on. “What?? You think after a month of being your security I wouldn’t have your music on my playlist,”

“Nah, I just. I wasn’t sure what songs of ours you liked. I haven’t heard your taste in music yet,” you smiled as you fed yourself the breakfast he made you sighing happily at the taste.

“Thank you Changbin. I really needed the company last night,”

“All you ever have to do is ask Whimsy. I’ll come everytime, so will the rest,”

“Not all of them,” you both chuckled at that.

“You’ll win them over Whimsy. Those two knuckleheads just need time,” you watched as he pulled into the drive of the Danceracha house and parked to let you out. “Hey, Y/N??”

“Yeah Bin??” You turned to look at him, his eyes soft the minute you met them. For once you didn’t flinch as he reached out to caress your cheek.

“I like it when you call me that. Be safe today, I’ll see you later,” unknowingly you leaned into his gentle touch. Your eyes fluttered closer a moment before you nodded.

“I will. Thank you Binnie,” without anything further you slipped from the car face slightly red with the blush on your cheeks. Before you could even knock on the front door Felix flung it open to greet you. He took the box from your hands and set it aside to hug you. “Good Morning Lixie,”

“Starlight!! Did you sleep well??” You nodded as you stepped into the threshold. “I won’t take long. Promise we’ll go in just a minute,”just beyond Felix you saw Lee Know in the kitchen threshold he regarded you with a Curt nod before he disappeared inward.

“Where are you two going??” He asked, you noticed the sharp lift in his tone. As though the only reason he asked was to make sure Felix would be safe. You didn’t want to lie to him. It was easy to see you were on thin ice with him. So you spoke the truth as Felix shuffled his shoes on.

“The police station,”

“Why??” He now stood in front of you, his steps fast as he too began to put on shoes.

“To file a report on someone. I take it you’re coming,”

“I’m driving,” he grumbled as he took the keys from the bowl at the door and stepped out ahead of you and the young blonde.

“Sorry Starlight he’s..”

“Protective, I get it,” you reached for the box Felix set aside but he beat you to it and carried it out the door you followed with a shake of your head. The car ride to the designated police station was quiet. You wondered if it had been just you and Felix if maybe the two of you would chat away. But with Lee Know at the helm you felt uncomfortable to speak out. And Felix must have understood that as he fiddled with his phone in the passenger seat.

“Do you want me to go in with you??” He broke the silence as Lee Know parked the car at the station.

“No..please..ah..” you stumbled over your words, you weren’t ready for him to see you fall apart in the ways at which you knew you would in front of this detective. “Can you wait for me outside?? I-I won’t be long,” both boys nodded as you slipped out of the car, your box in hand as you went. Your steps were slow and hesitant as you walked in the front door. It was different from a police station you had gone to in America. Much more clean and organized the front receptionist was alert and receptive of your arrival. Your conversation with her was brief before she paged forward Himora, the old friend of Ivory. He was tall, fair skinned, with neat slicked back hair. His attire was not far off from a classic 70’s suit and tie detective in an older tv show. Something about it looked and felt familiar. All those years you’d been plopped in front of a tv watching those cheesy cop shows caught up to you now. You were thankful to find his office was closed off from the prying ears of others, he was even kind enough to shut the door behind himself before he joined you in a seat across from you. Your box on the floor beside your feet.

“I was surprised to hear from Ivory. But then again when one of her own is in danger she’s quick to act. Y/N was it??”

“Yeah..”

“She shared a little of our situation but left most of the details out. She wanted you to tell me,” you couldn’t bring yourself to look up, to look him in the eyes. Part of you wished you had let Felix join you in this. But you weren’t ready for the younger to hear this story yet. You weren’t even ready for this detective to hear it. “Look, I’m not here to force you into telling me what’s wrong. I just need the basics so I can begin your file and create a protective order if it is needed,”

“It’s needed,” you sighed the inside of your lower lip now raw from anxiety. “All of it..the last five years, is here. In this box. My entire life for all it’s worth rests in your hands now,” you reached down for the box and gifted it to him with a gentle push across the wooden coffee table. “It has all my hospital records, pictures, police reports. I-I think there’s even some old journals I kept. I documented everything..He’s..He’s trying to find me..and he will kill someone if he doesn’t..”

“If I file a protective order you know it will reveal your location right??”

“Will it keep him from hurting those I care about??”

“I can’t guarantee that. But I’ll do my damned best to try,” you nodded, eyes watering at the idea of him finally having an idea of where you were. All those months he’d tried to find you, it would fall into his hands with ease. But..when you thought about Felix, when you thought of the boys. How much they wanted you in their lives, their desire to make you part of their family. It was an easy decision, because it protected them. And you hoped it would protect you. “Do you have any family I need to add to the protective order??” Himora sat forward with pen and pad in hand ready to write names down.

“What do you consider family??” You sniffled as you blinked away the tears.

“Ideally blood related. But if you fear the safety of others I can take those names down,”

“I haven’t spoken to my family in five years. Not since..” you paused at the thought. It had been so long since they drove you away. But you didn’t have to wonder why, you knew what it was that cast you out. “Not since my elder sister died. The golden child, we were in a car accident. She died on impact. Because I survived, my family blamed me. So I was disowned. I doubt they’ll take the protection. They always liked Logan. Despite knowing what he had done to me they always adored him,” through it Himora only nodded he listened intently to you speak your truth to him.

“Aside from them is there..”

“Stray Kids..the members of the band..I work for them. But we’ve become close. We’re becoming close. As well as Axel and Ivory,” there was no hesitation in your voice as you spoke, you even interrupted Himora. You watched as he wrote it all down every bit of it. Afterward he closed the pad and set it aside.

“Y/N you are always safe here. I want you to take my card and have my phone number. Any information you want to give. Even if it feels meaningless to you, tell me. I can also offer counseling services for what you’ve been through. But I won’t force you. Give me a few days to pour over your files. When I have your number I’ll let you know the next steps,” you nodded slowly before you stood from your seat to shake his hand. “It takes courage to do this. I will protect you and the rest with all the power I have,”

“Thank you,” your voice has no strength left. You were quiet as Himora walked you to the front to make sure you made it to the car safely, his card tucked neatly into your pants pockets.

**** **** **** ****

Every so often Felix found himself pressing two fingers to the pulse point in his wrist. A random habit he picked up when he was younger to curb his anxiety.

“Talk to me Lixie. What’s going on in your head??”

“I am just worried about Starlight, you know??”

“No, not really,” Felix sighed, he knew that his Hyung didn’t like their new friend but he couldn’t figure out why. It nagged at him with every scoff and huff Minho let out when you got any kind of attention from the rest. Seungmin admitted he wasn’t sure of you yet due to the lack of quality time he had with you. Even made a snide remark of ‘its hard to like someone when others monopolize their time,’

“You know..With someone who is the second oldest of our team, your approach to this is rather childish. Does it really bother you that someone gets the opportunity to protect us AND get along with us?? Or does that job solely belong to Mister Lee Minho,”

“I know you did not just full name me..” he laughed beside Felix, the younger turned and bowed in his seat.

“I mean you are my elder,” the response back was a playful shove back into his seat from Minho.

“Alright enough out of you. Truthfully Lix, I want to like her. But I am having a hard time when she continues to ask us for trust but then hides from us,”

“See Hyung, was that really so hard to tell me?? Oh look!! The sky didn’t fall,” they both laughed, their usual deep belly deep laughter. With it Felix’s anxiety was swept away with the wind. “You aren’t patient. But with Starlight we have to be,”

“I’ll try harder Lix, but only for you,” it wasn’t long after the back door opened and you slid into your seat in the middle. Felix lit up at your presence, his entire being turned to take you in.

“Hey there, how did it go??” he asked calmly as he reached into the back to wipe away some of the tears left on your cheeks.

“I..I think it went well..” There was silence from the oldest in the car before a heavy sigh left his body. Felix braced for impact of what his Hyung might say to you.

“Good, it’s hard to see you stressed out. It upsets the others,” both you and Felix let out a collective breath you seemed to have both held when it came to what Lee Know might say. “What does this detective do?? I mean what is his specialty??” Felix lifted his brow as he looked at the man he considered his older brother. It was a look that read ‘just couldn’t help yourself could you??’ they both knew that answer, plain as the question he asked you. “What?? Was that too invasive?? I’m trying here Lix..” Lee Know snarked nose scrunched lip turned up. Your laugh broke the tension once more as you sat back in your seat and fished out a card from your pocket.

“Detective Himora is a Domestic Violence and Homicide detective,” your admittance shocked them both. Felix felt his heart stop a moment, only to begin again at a rapid pace. Sure, he had his guess as to what happened to you, even understood someone had hurt you in a cruel way. But to hear you admit it, in front of him and Lee Know. It took Minho a second before he turned to look at you.

“Wait..Someone did that to you?? Someone hit you??” you chuckled, it unsettled Fleix. This topic wasn’t something you chuckle at, yet you had. He wondered why..Who had hurt you so bad that it was almost funny to even regard.

“Hit was the least of my problems in the five years I was with him,” Felix felt tears well in his eyes, to him it was unimaginable that someone could ever hurt you. He had come to adore your presence in every moment you granted him. The Starlight beacon he wanted to shine over him with every chance given. To admit that someone trie****d to take that from him, to squander the open love you give, it broke his heart. He hadn’t realized he was crying until you reached over from your seat to wipe away his tears. “Oh Lixie..I’m trying to fix it I promise,”

“Fix it..You shouldn’t have to fix anything..” he sniffled as he leaned into your bandaged hand. After a moment he turned to kiss your palm. “I’m sad someone hurt you,and for so long,”

“I am making sure it can never happen again,” he nodded in your hands, slowly he took a steady breath in and out until he felt himself calm down. Beside him Lee Know was silent, his own eyes a touch red from tears that welled in the rims of his lids.

“You are so strong to have survived that Y/N. A warrior through and through,” With gentle hands Lee Know reached back to squeeze your shoulder. Felix watched as your free hand came to rest over his Hyung’s. In that moment the ice had finally broken. He could see that Lee Know had finally let go of his petty attitude toward your being in their life. After all of you calmed down the oldest finally started the car and headed toward the company building. “Thank you for trusting us Warrior,” Felix knew he was hooked now, he may not have smiled at you fully but Felix noticed the soft crinkle in the corner of his eyes as he spoke to you.

“Thank you for listening Minho,”

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He almost giggled to himself when he thought about how much of an opposite to you he was. He never slept gracefully. Mostly landing on the opposite side of the bed where he started from and limbs either starfished or belly down smothering himself in the pillow. He was wondering if there was anyone else that he knows that looks as pretty as you do sleeping. Jisung looks cute but not pretty. Hyunjin looks almost angry as he sleeps, Minho can sleep with his eyes open which is just unsettling at times, I.N. sleeps in a ball (fox fits him perfectly), Chan looks catatonic, Minnie looks peaceful, but also slightly angry, Lixie however. He slept pretty. Sometimes Bin would love it when Lix would choose him as a pillow, especially during touring. Lix was always so nervous, so much so that sometimes Bin would get a call from his sunshine twin for help. Felix couldn’t sleep without cuddling him. So most days Bin would Tell I.N. goodnight after a shower and head to Lix’s room. He remembered just after day 2 of a Los Angeles show Felix showed up to his room. One minute they were talking, the next Bin woke up to Lix flattened like a pancake between the wall and himself. He remembers trying to move away from Lix’ and hearing Felix groaning and saying, “Hyung… no come back,” with grabby hands. He remembered looking down at him and saying, “You need to breathe Yongbok-ah” as he chuckled. Felix looked up and smirked as he said, “I’m breathing, now come back…” as Felix locked onto him. There Changbin was stuck for the better half of an hour as Felix went back to sleep. 

Also like Felix, you would sleep like a rock next to Changbin, but when Changbin would wake up or even shift, your eyes would open, making sure he wasn’t leaving. If he was, he would need to either bargain or say where he was going. Changbin, now that he thinks about it, recognizes that you and Felix have a very unique relationship. It’s not just because you have a unique relationship with each one of the members either. You and Felix have been through a lot, him being the first you called a friend. There was a lot of culture shock when you moved from New York to Seoul. Felix stood up with you through all of the jetlag and, although you could speak Korean in a limited capacity before you moved, it was nowhere near what you needed to speak to survive. 

Felix rented an apartment with you until you could get on your feet, so you didn’t feel so alone in a foreign country. He also did exercises with you in Korean, so you could learn the language better. He helped you form shortcuts for memorizing the Hangul and even helped you with the more advanced speaking by watching K-dramas with you. He’d pause it every few seconds to teach you about what you just heard. It’s because of Felix that you speak fluently after five years. Bin remembered those moments, coming over the apartment to help teach you. He knew there was nothing else expected behind Felix’s kindness aside from, “I understand that it’s hard, let me take some pressure off, yeah?” He could practically hear the thick Aussie accent as he reminisced. 

Changbin looked at your hands, he could see the signs of anxiety healing on them. He knew all too well how your anxiety slams into you. You pick at your nails at times and your nails are short because of it, it’s something you’ve been trying to work on since you had teeth. However, now they seem to be healing. That made him feel good. They were a representation of your mood, your healing process. It was not often that he looked at you without a pang of guilt, however. Lately, it’s still touch and go. He always felt a slight worry at the fact that you were married to Chris and not himself, now it’s full blown panic, rightfully so. If he was married to you he would be able to be closer to you, make sure you’re happy; now that line was blocking him. He knew the line was there, he felt it in the earth between the both of you. That line that used to be so defined, now blurring. That guilt shifting focus, instead of guilt for looking at you fondly, now morphing into guilt about this entire situation. If he would’ve spoken up, you wouldn’t be like this. If he would’ve said what Minho, Felix, Han, and himself were thinking; you wouldn’t be here. 

There were so many times that he’s found you in the midst of a panic attack, on edge thinking Chris would come home, just to have the rug snatched from under you. Sometimes he’d see you choking back tears as you are doing dishes, seeing no sign of Chan’s favorite mug, meaning he never came home. Smelling his cologne in the morning was the worst. Bin would find you curled on Chan’s side of the bed, asking why he left without saying anything. Questioning your worth. There was no stability for you, no peace. He wanted to tell you to get a divorce so many times. It was something that everyone who spent time with you wanted to scream. Seeing you suffer was and still is torture. Bin never knew how to bring it up though. He knows that you said that you’d leave Chan… But would you?

The press, the company, the fans, all of them would tear you apart. It’d be a massacre, if anything. The company made a show of it. The first public K-Pop couple, going public willingly. “The king and queen of K-Pop”, Chan from the Stray Kids falls in love with one of the best photographers in the business… The headlines made Bin choke at first. It shouldn’t have been that title, this situation, that circumstance. Chan’s hand should’ve never been in yours. Chan’s knee should’ve never touched the Earth, his hand should’ve never reached in his pocket to fish out a tiny black box. More than anything, the press should’ve never known anything. The backlash wasn’t terrible, with Chan protecting you for once. But now? That made his heart rate pick up. 

He wanted to keep you here. Safe and content, sleeping on his arm in the dawn of the morning in the middle of a living room floor. Hair tousled, surrounded by plushies, cradling you as you rest. No, not here, he refused to think about it. He refused to believe that anything bad would happen to you, not in his arms, in the safe space he made for you the same moment he met you. The past three days have been from Hell, yet you and him found strength in each other. He goes back to the second episode, the way you clung onto him, your hand barely able to fit half of his forearm. You stood here for him. You breathed for him. All because he asked you to. You fell fully expecting no one to catch you, since Chan never did. Instead, just like the plushies, his boys, your boys, caught you. Bin lunged for you, grabbed your hand and didn’t let go. He refused to, not after what he saw. What you went through. Not with how much he loves you.

Love is a strong word, now that Bin thinks about it. It’s unconditional. When you truly love someone, you don’t care about the ‘what’s’in life. What if someone found out, what if something happens, what are the risks? None of them matter. What matters is that person. He can’t remember a day after he met you where his needs ever superseded your own. It was natural to him. Do you need help carrying something? He’ll carry it all! Do you need an opinion on this photo? He drops all of his responsibilities for you. Chan never loved you. That pang in Bin’s chest came back. He had to face it. Yes, Chan never loved you. Yes, Chan used you as a tool, a tactic. Yes, he broke you. If anything, Chan was shitty at acting like he cared, but everyone didn’t want to see it, yourself included. Not anymore. 

You have gone through too much to be treated like an afterthought. Bin will chase any monster away, he’ll fight anyone who tries to come near you with any other motive other than to help you. You shifted a little in your sleep and your hair fell from your now messy bun. He smiled seeing the scrunch of your nose as a strand of hair tickled you. He laid on his side to completely face you. He gently moved the offending strand out of the way, drinking in your presence. You sighed happily and your nostrils flared, chasing Bin’s hand slightly. Bin knew what you wanted, he cupped your face gently as you smirked, still in sleep. It’s these little things that melt Changbin. The fact that even when sleeping you miss the people you love, even if they’re right next to you. You do the same thing to Hannie and Lixie as well. Mere seconds later you shivered. You blindly turned around, angel in hand and got closer to Changbin, making yourself the little spoon. Changbin used two plushies as stacked pillows so he could rest his head as he cuddled you.

“Warmer?” Bin asked as he looped his hand over your body and the angel, his arm resting in the dip of your waist. He had a smile creeping on his face, he was like Chan in the right circumstances, a literal furnace. So resting with him was the best. Like a heated pillow and blanket draped over you. He knew that when you’re cold you seek warmth, especially when drowsy so he was waiting for you to start to migrate closer to him.

Soon your shivers stopped as you said, “mhm thanks Binnie” and you kissed his bicep, your version of a “thank you” as you melted into Bin’s chest. That interaction, once again, isn’t new. You kiss everyone, in appropriate places of course. It’s just how you are. If you’re cuddling with Hannie you peck him on the palm of his hands, if it’s Lixie or Minho, it's the cheeks all day every day. For Bin you peck his chest and arms. Bin as well as the others communicate the same way with you, Bin’s favorite places are the crown of your head and your forehead. Most of the boys follow suit with that tight parameter, except for Innah who will peck your hands, your fingers, whatever is accessible, even on the shoulder if you are cooking or something. 

Bin caught him pecking your shoulder once as a thanks and he yelled, “Yah! What makes you so special??”, just to hear you say, “Aye! Don’t yell at my baby! Lookathim, he’s just a baby,” you cooed as you squished his cheeks and scratched his scalp. I.N. just had a shit eating grin as he said, “Hyung, why are you mad at me? I’m just a baby…” Bin just said, “yeah tell that to your browser history.” You immediately went into a fit of laughter as Innah said, “How do you know about that??” Bin just looked at him and yelled, “get off the group email, you degenerate!” Bin, when he couldn’t get to your head, like that night, he’ll kiss your hands as he holds them. He remembered and held onto the memories between you and the boys, smiling as he watched you in your sleep. 

Eventually Minho got up and took a picture of course, Bin didn’t care though, as long as you weren’t disturbed. A little after Minho came and went, Hannie popped out of Lix’s room, he had an intent to his movements.

 See, there is this thing Hannie does. As soon as he gets up he is very cuddly, not to anyone else except you. He always saw you as his sister, the one he never had. It’s because of that he has this need to make sure you’re okay and he does that by early morning cuddles. That all started after you asked if you could sleep in one of the boy’s beds at night, missing the feeling of a body next to you. Han noticed that whenever you were either in your bed or Bin’s he would wake up with anxiety, his hands searching for you before his eyes even opened. It only dawned on him recently that for the first two weeks of asking, every night you approached Hannie. When he asked you why you hadn't asked Bin or Jinnie, you had said that you didn’t know how to ask Bin. Eventually, you did get around to asking Bin and he was fine with it. Hannie always knew mornings were the worst for you. He walked in many times, just like Bin did, when you’d be crying on Chan’s pillow. He noticed you didn’t do that when there was a body next to you. It didn’t matter how disheveled either of them looked, you would cuddle up and fall right back to sleep peacefully. 

The first time Han did this, he found you in your morning ritual of crying, then you felt the bed behind you dip, knowing it wasn’t Chris but one of the boys. You could even tell which one, it was Han. He always stepped lighter around you, especially when you were crying or sad. He knew that you would get startled otherwise. His heart only cracked further when you didn’t flinch or question who it was. Han didn’t say anything, he just delicately dug his hands into the ball you made of your body and he dragged you to himself.  He covered the both of you with the blankets and he whispered, “You don’t need that Anya, let that go for me. Come here, hold on to me… there you go... Good job Anya”. You let go of your husband’s pillow and grabbed on to Hannie, digging into his chest as you cried. His deep rumble soothing you as he said, “I’m so sorry, my heart breaks Anya. You don’t deserve this. Worth so much more. I got you, breathe.” Ever since then, Han always searched you out in the mornings. 

Hannie looked at Bin and yourself and laid down on the makeshift bed as he made himself known. At this point it’s so routine that you don’t even get startled. Hannie just turned you so you were now facing Bin, and Hannie dragged you to himself, gently of course.

“Hannie?” You groaned. You were so warm and all you could register was the feeling of being moved. You knew it was Hannie, you smirked to yourself as you waited for him to announce himself. Bin looked at the pair of you and couldn’t help but smile. This ritual that you and Hannie had was probably the cutest thing he has seen. The fact that it’s now routine is something that makes him so happy. The fact that all of the boys love you so much, it makes him not only proud of the boys, but it makes him happy to know that you will always have someone in your corner.

Han just whispers, “Mhm it’s me Anya, get some sleep, just holding you, that okay?” Forever the gentleman asking permission. You nodded and he pulled you in, the last thing you remembered was the momentary cold of the comforter as you were being pulled.  All that you registered after that was the rumble of the warm chest behind you as he spoke softly to Bin. After that you passed back out instantaneously. 

“How did she sleep?” Han asked. He was worried about how the first night went. He didn’t want you to feel crowded, which is why he slept on Lix’s floor, no comforter but he packed his sleeping bag in his overnight bag so he had no problem sleeping there.

“Good, I think.” Bin responded. Luckily Bin slept a little better, but he wouldn’t tell anyone about the sudden episodes, waking with a need to feel you close to him. The last thing he remembers of the nightmares being images of Chris trying to get to you. Some being of you unmoving, or of you willingly letting go of him. Those times he was so grateful that you wanted him to be in the bed with you. He’d immediately feel you close and he'd pass back out, not needing to open his eyes. 

“That’s good.” Han said. He could see it in Bin’s eyes. He’s been friends with him for almost a decade, in a lot of ways they grew up together, Bin may be good at hiding, but not good enough to hide from Han. “So are you going to tell me what is going on in your head now, hyung?” Han looked down, petting your hair back as he waited for the answer. 

“Just trust me when I say you don’t want any of the ideas implanted in your head, Han. I know I am not okay right now. As soon as she starts therapy, I’m going right after her,” Bin’s face was hard as he looked at Han, if he didn’t have that scowl on his face, he knew he’d collapse. “I’m sorry I scared you earlier… I should have more composure than I did.” Han knew exactly what he was talking about. Han was terrified in that waiting room, seeing Bin’s entire demeanor shift. His happy, funny, go lucky brother… just gone, replaced with anger, pain, suffering incarnate. 

Han looked at him, “I’m not going to lie, it did terrify me, you meant every word of what you said.” He saw Bin’s eyebrows drop, his lips went from tight to relaxed, almost downturned as his jaw clenched momentarily, his mouth opened in a tiny breath. Han continued, “But you also need to know that your reaction is justified. You had and still have every right to be enraged. It’s not your fault that all of this happened. Chris is a manipulator, he had this show well rehearsed. We didn’t see it. We all didn’t see it Bin. So please don’t blame yourself, because it’s just like what Y/N told Minho, we aren’t responsible for another man’s actions.”

“I don’t know why he did it. I keep on racking my brain. She did everything possible to make him happy. She tore herself apart for him.” Changbin always had that in the back of his head whenever he had time to himself. Even if he was just using the restroom, he couldn’t fathom why. That was when Changbin realized, anything you did, wasn't going to be enough. You already gave him so much yet he just didn't care. He wanted more, like a black hole in your life. You can never fill a glass with a hole in the bottom.

Han said, “The why doesn’t matter. What matters is her.” He tilted his head to you, “I got a call from management, they’re giving us two months off. Apparently Chris let them know what happened.” Bin’s jaw opened and Han cut him off before a syllable could be uttered, “I asked them specifically what he said, they told me. The story he gave checked out. He told them the truth. Which honestly scares me more, Bin.” Changbin’s heart dropped once he heard that. “Oh God. Okay. I’ll talk to PR and see what the plan is.” He responded. “I’ll do it later though. I… we just need peace right now. I need to go out. Get her some sanitary items and I’m going to grab more medicine, a heating pad, all of that.” This isn’t Bin’s first rodeo, he has an older sister who basically taught him everything about the reproductive system. Bin has also shared a bathroom with you for years so he already knows your size, your flow throughout it, all of it. 

Since you were now cuddling Han, Changbin is now free. Knowing he had a few things to do he grabbed his overnight bag and opened it. Grabbing his shower gel, toothbrush, change of clothes and his razor. Bin hasn’t ever been more excited to shower and shave. He hasn’t done things like that since the morning of when it happened.  

He headed to the shower and set up. As he undressed his mind was blank. He was focused on getting you what you need and coming back as quickly as possible. Bin was in the shower for a while, letting it seep into his bones. He could feel the sensation start in his throat. The recognizable tightness in his throat, his heart heavier than the previous time he had this urge. His breathing ragged, he wondered what he could’ve done differently, he didn’t want to lose you. Logically, he knew he wouldn't. But would you hold it against him for not saying anything about what he was feeling about the marriage? Would you hate him? He could hear you laugh and see your smile as his chest tightened. He saw all of the looks on your face that night and the pain that he tried to quell. He tried to remind himself that this isn’t his fault. He couldn’t hold it in anymore as he let the sobs rack his body silently. He focused on the sound of the water hitting all around him in the shower.

After letting some of it out. He looked up, letting the water rain down on him. It allowed him to breathe. He felt better after he finished his shower. As soon as he looked in the mirror on the wall just above the sink he realized something. Changbin hasn’t looked in a mirror in days. His eyes always focused on you. He wiped the steam away as he saw himself. His face dusted with the beginnings of a 5 o’clock shadow, his hair wet and already looking a little curly. He also noticed the slightest bags under his eyes, which didn’t surprise him. He reminisced at how obsessed you were over his curls. 

You yourself helped him with his hair routine when you noticed how crunchy the curls were. You ran to the store to get all the necessary hair products and you taught him how to relax the curls and not fight them. He looked at the products laid out in front of him smiling. After he styled his hair he headed out.

It was maybe an hour later that the house came back to life, well relatively. Han wanted you to sleep as much as possible so he scolded whoever came in and made too much noise. It was only so long Minho could hold out though, so he decided to make Hotteok, a close to American pancake filled with sugar, walnuts, and cinnamon. For yours he put in extra things like dark chocolate, berries, and mango, for your iron count. Everyone else got the basic version. Which Han grumbled about but Minho just ignored him. As Han went to the restroom you stirred at the sounds and smells in the kitchen. You felt behind you for Han and you didn’t find him, so you reached in front of you, knowing Binnie was there, but he wasn’t. 

You opened your eyes reluctantly as you got your bearings. You couldn’t really grasp that Bin could possibly be out but all you know is that your nose is still a little sensitive. For some reason you are craving Changbin’s scent. It happened a few times when you were carrying, but the urge was never this bad. You needed to smell his fresh scented cologne and the slight hint of him, the perfect combo you’d always get when you’d nestle into his neck. 

You tried smelling his pillow, the scent too faint to quench your craving. You smelled the comforter and it wasn’t near enough for you. Then you saw him. You grabbed the plush and buried your face in it. It was exactly what you needed, taking a deep breath in and relaxing. You got up slowly, your body still sore. You grunted as you finally made it to your feet. You heard Minho humming in the kitchen and decided on going there. 

Minho could hear the pattering of bare feet behind him. Then your sleepy voice spoke out, “MinMin?” Minho turned around and smiled softly at you, then he noticed what was in your hands.

“Beautiful? Why are you holding Gyu?” he asked as he worked on filling the pancakes.

You replied in the smallest voice, “Smells like him. Where’s Binnie?” Minho’s face softened hearing you say that. All of the boys knew that your cravings were still ongoing but it was something new that you craved smells too,well, to Minho at least. You had this problem even when you were still carrying, you would enlist Seungmin’s help. Seungmin’s scent was something you were obsessed with in the first month. Seungmin, of course being the friend he is, researched why you needed to smell him, finding that yes scents are a part of pregnancy cravings. Some days you would just ask to smell him and he had no problem coming over just for you to cuddle up to him on the couch for a few hours, unintentionally rolling around in his grip like a cat rolls in catnip.  Whenever Seungmin caught you doing that he would poke fun at you, but in all honesty it was the cutest thing he’s seen.

“Changbin went out to get you some things. He should be back soon.”

“Ok… what are you making?” You asked as you tried to see what he was up to.

“Breakfast, I’m making yours with mango, berries, and dark chocolate.” He said as you smiled excitedly. You heard Han’s voice behind you, “I told you not to wake her, hyung.” 

As soon as you turned around Han’s heart melted as he said, “Wh-What are you doing with Gyu, Anya??” You could tell Han was three seconds away from squealing and waking up the house officially. 

You answered in a tiny voice, realizing that you probably look very cute, hugging Gyu to your chest and still in pajamas. “Gyu smells like him… Waiting for my Binnie to come home.” You buried your face into Gyu as you looked up at Hannie. 

“How are you this CUTE?!” Han squealed.

Minho immediately said, “YAH keep it DOWN!” 

That made you giggle uncontrollably as you sniffed Gyu. Han ran out of the kitchen and came back with his phone, “Can I take a picture? You are too cute right now.”

You nodded, and just like that the picture was taken as you rubbed your eyes with one hand, making Hannie coo at the picture. He went into the group chat (Obviously without Chris in it.) 

“I don’t have the money for that,” Y/N smiled at me. It was a reassuring one, as if she could read my mind. She and I always had this connection. Whenever I was feeling down she would pop in to see how I was doing. 

I remember one time, it was maybe 3am and I was working on lyrics. They were risky, going double the speed of the song's beat, the technique is called ‘double time’ in rapping. Fast spitting rappers do it all the time, think Eminem and Busta Rhymes. It was my first time attempting it and I contemplated each and every syllable like a landmine. Writing it wasn't the issue, it was being able to deliver it while dancing. Those syllables take up a lot of air, not to mention the brutality that comes with dancing and singing at the same time. Our steps aren't insanely difficult, but they definitely take up oxygen like no one's business. So I'd get up, do push ups, jumping jacks, burpees, anything to get my heart rate up to about what it would be when performing, then I'd try to deliver the lines. Doing this is always painful, your body is screaming at you to stop talking, hunch over, and gasp for air. Obviously, we can't do that, so we try our hardest to build endurance. Some are like Chan, who sing while doing cardio (which is insane, by the way, I felt like I was dying when I tried it), some are like LeeKnow, packing on layer after layer of heavy clothing before and during dance practice, forcing the body to exert itself so much that when all of those layers are off, each movement and breath is a breeze (also insanity to do. It feels like working out in a sauna with a weighted, heated blanket on you). Me? I brute forced it. 

Anyway, Y/N noticed that I was really getting obsessed with these lyrics and doing them so that I was as close to the line of unhuman speed crossed with physical activity as possible. I'm the fastest rapper in the 4th generation and I wanted to show why I was. Y/N came into my room and said,“Binnie, you need to trust yourself. You know what's best, you have the best instincts I've ever seen. Remember, if you're about to dive in a pool, don't think about the height of the diving board, clear your mind, and jump in. Don't think, just do.” 

Even now, through all of this, you would think that a bond like that would be weakened, seeing her like that would make some pull away. It just brought me closer. I am in awe of her. The sheer will to live. The tenacity. The beauty in her broken parts know no bounds. It reminds me of ruins from ancient civilizations. Seeing the beauty in what was, and marveling at what is left. Only the strongest parts are left, the essence of that civilization. She is beyond anyone I've ever seen. Her capacity to love is beyond comprehension. 

That's why I am so happy to know her. To really know her. To be the person she reaches for, to ground herself. She trusts me to be there. And I will be. Simply because it’s an honor to love her. Money isn't an object for her. 

“Money isn’t a problem, would you like to be in a place of your own?” I asked again. I would spend my whole paycheck on her if I had the chance. She deserves to be spoiled.

“I still want to be at the other dorm, it’s familiar. For some reason I feel safe there. Is that okay?” She asked, looking at Seungmin. Little did she know that we had been talking about this for a bit before she woke up. We knew that pushing this topic on her would be too much, but at the same time, from what Seungmin told me, the doctors were never going to release her to the same house that Chris is in.

Seungmin chuckled, “Birdie, it’s not a problem, you have never not been welcome at my dorm, you know this,” he deadpanned. It is true…all of the boys over that house would get so excited as soon as they heard Y/N was coming over. They’d want to spend the entirety of the visit with her, a lot of the time they would start to pout if they felt she wasn't spending enough time with them. So when the idea came up their eyes lit up. Anywhere she goes, I'm not going anywhere. 

“Okay then it’s settled.” I smiled at her, combing a stray strand out of her face. I’m happy that she’s finally getting out of here. She has been through so much in such a short amount of time. She needs to be left alone. I am scared for her. I want her to be safe, and worries keep on popping in my head. How do I protect her? What if saesangs get a whiff that something is wrong? What if the company tried to force her to stay with Chris? What if she takes him back? That part hurt. Seeing how badly she was hurt simply because he was being an asshole. Simply because he treated a diamond like sand on a decrepit shore. The thought made me shake with rage as I looked at the woman in front of me, she looked at me with furrowed brows, that brought me back to her.

Y/N looked into my eyes at that moment, like she was tapped into my brain. She gave my hand a squeeze as she said, “Binnie? What's wrong, talk to me…” she shyly played with my fingers. Her touch was feather light given the bruises that formed on my knuckles. I wanted to tell her the truth about them. My impulse to be honest, making the words bubble in my throat. Right behind the truth of what I'm feeling.

I wanted to tell her I love you, I wanted to tell you for so long. The minute I met you I fell for you, your soft voice, your booming laugh, your corny jokes. All of it. Not just the you before but the you now. I know life is going to be hard for you, I want to be there. I want to stand next to you and catch you whenever you need to collapse. I will give you everything I have. You deserve to know what real love is. I know Chris isn't good for you. You don't need this pain, this heartache, you don't deserve to be treated like an option. You are the one and only person I ever loved and will continue to love for the rest of my life. I want you to be happy, and if it's not with me that's okay. I just want you to know that he isn't the only option. I am just one person, I am sure thousands of men would line up and down city blocks just to see you, let alone have a chance with you. Instead I said “ just thinking.”

There is a time and a place for everything. Telling her right now could confuse her more, make her feel like I just want something from her. That couldn't be farther from the truth. The only thing I want is for her to be happy. The fact that she has been used like this and thrown to the side, expected to all of a sudden tolerate the people that did that to her. 

I saw the opportunity to draw attention away and I took it as I said “Seungmin, you have everything?” “Yeah, we should be ready to go soon,” he said as he kept packing all of the random hoodies that were used as pillows when we stood overnight with her. It's been years since most of us slept in the same room as the others. Every few hours a nurse would come in to check on Y/N, sometimes startling her. Everytime that happened Seungmin and I would wake up. We aren't light sleepers in particular, but it was more reflexive than anything. The nurse would quietly remind her that she's safe and all of her boys are with her. No one is going to hurt or sneak up on her. It'd still take a little time for her to go back to bed. Seungmin and I would refuse to even close our eyes until her heart rate went back to resting and her body would be completely relaxed and limp. 

Now that things are starting to simmer down I am wondering why Seungmin had this reaction. He's been very strong through it all and he is even going against his nature of just observing. I am wondering what it is that I don't know. I just want to be filled in. Seungmin isn't known for physical affection, instead opting for annoying people he loves until they inevitably get closer to the edge of insanity. It's an odd way to show love, but Seungmin has never been known for traditional methods. 

So why is it that he’s calling her pet names and smiling at her that way? Did he always smile at her like that? It’s so comforting, almost endearing. More than anything she is sharing the look. Something definitely happened but I have no clue what. 

“Angel, you have all the appointments and all of that?” I looked back to her and she smiled at me saying, “Yup, I just want out of here. It’s been crazy. I just want to cuddle with my boys and watch a movie.” I could feel the sincerity in her words. 

It wasn’t too long after that when Han came with the wheelchair saying, “You’re chariot awaits.” I am still really worried about her. She still says the cramps are no joke. Her cravings are still everywhere too. When she asked the attending about it they explained that her body is still going to have those pregnancy cravings for at least a few more weeks. I could see the hint of sadness in her features when hearing that. The only thing I could imagine herself feeling is that it’s another reminder. A reminder of what could’ve been. 

On our way to the house I could feel her excitement ramp up. I could hear her giggles as she listened to the radio. She waited and bounced at the redlights. I looked behind me and I saw everyone else in the car smiling lopsidedly as she giggled. Y/N wasn’t known for very big displays of excitement unless it was for something that she really really wanted or missed having. 

I could see the color in her face, knowing that if Hannie and I didn’t do what we needed to do, this would not have been the case. Instead, I get to see her smile, feel her laugh a little more, and be thankful for every moment, I always was but now? It’s like I have a deeper love for her. She was already a part of me, but now she is like a vital organ, as odd as it sounds. 

As I was in my own thoughts I heard a song play, it was one that I knew she loved. Immediately I felt her hand grab mine, which was on the shared arm rest. Usually if she wanted the armrest she would just nudge me until I relented and shared, but this was different. She laid her arm on top of mine, her hand interlocking with mine as she sang along to the song. I couldn’t help but think it belonged there. Touches are a part of her expression of comfortability. It’s how she communicates, which I happen to know all too well. This had more weight to it somehow. She felt like she knew that no matter what she’d be safe. Which was and still is true.

When we pulled around the corner we were met with balloons in her favorite color on the doorstep. Her eyes lit up as she said, “What’s this?” I just shrugged as I said, “I don’t know, Lix told me that he was up to something but I didn’t really know what.” As soon as we parked Y/N bounced as she waited for one of us to come around and help her. 

I think that she was surprised at the fact that we had done anything, period. I know that she has a complex. She tends to feel like she isn’t worth the time. That was something that she told me in confidence one night. Every night she would cry herself to sleep for the better part of 2 and a half years. Hannie and I did not catch it until we started spending weekends with her. 

One night I heard whimpering from their room, when I knocked I heard sniffles. I gently pushed the door open, I found her curled in a ball, crying looking at her phone. When I asked her what was wrong she just handed me the phone. On it was a text thread. 

Y/N: hey are you coming home? It’s Friday and I wanted to watch a movie with you. Channie❤️: Not this again, Y/N. I’m working, I don’t have time for this. Y/N: You promised you’d take some days off every week, so you don’t burn out. You even said that those days are our days.  Channie❤️: Y/N the more you talk to me the longer I have to be in the studio. So you are causing me to be away longer because you can’t be patient.  Y/N: I haven’t seen you in weeks, Channie. You are always gone, I miss you and I feel alone… like you don’t care.  Channie❤️: bingo! You are right. I don’t care. My phone is getting turned off. Maybe then you’ll get the message that I don’t have time for you. Get some sleep, trust me, don’t wait up. 

I held her all night that night, I dried her tears as she clung onto me for dear life. Like I said before, her love language is touch, so to literally be starved of that for weeks from her husband made me feel enraged. More than anything, I wanted to make her comfortable. 

I wrapped her in a fluffy blanket of which I called ‘the Y/N burrito’. Then I picked her up while she giggled and placed her on the couch. We watched whatever she wanted. Early into the morning she started craving her favorite snack so we went out in pajamas, got the snacks, and had a movie marathon. It’s one of my favorite memories with her. She started off that night crying and ended it safe in my arms, snacks surrounding her as credits rolled on the T.V. 

I brushed her hair back as I stared at her sleeping so peacefully on the couch. The credits created a dim and timid light as I wiped the chocolate from the corners of her mouth. It was about 6am when Chris walked in. He looked annoyed and just walked past us as if we were ghosts. 

I recounted this as I saw the balloons, thinking that whatever is inside, she is going to love it. 

Han was first to grab her. When Seungmin unlocked the door with the overnight bags slung over his shoulder we could hear a little gasp and some talking. Han held her hand as we walked. 

“This is so sweet you guys didn’t have to,” she stopped at the balloons, looking at them as if they were the most precious diamonds she has ever seen. Then when we walked in she started sniffling. 

Sitting on the couches were 6 pillow sized plushies, and one giant plushie. Y/N loves plushies, their textures calm her. What got her to cry though, was what each of them represented. The one giant plushie was an angel. The other 6 were a lioness, a crown, a bird, a sunflower , Anya, and the National flower of Korea, the mugunghwa, the symbol of eternal beauty, that one has to be Minho’s. 

I have no clue where he even found some of these. Especially the lioness, that one represented I.N.’s nickname for her. Whenever anyone tried to mess with us he always said, “if you think the wolf is bad wait until the lioness hears about this.”

She started crying, “they…. They’re all my nicknames. The ones you gave me.” She immediately went to the angel and grabbed it, hugging it tightly as she cried. 

My heart broke and swelled at the same time. She should never have to feel like anyone is going to abandon her. It makes me so sad to know that she was so scared of losing us. All because of one foolish and egotistical man. He deserves nothing, especially not her love. Yet she loved him anyway. That is the type of person that she is. 

Felix came up to her and said, “I figured if one of us had to go out and you missed us, now you’ll have a piece of us with you. You won’t be alone, and we’ll always come back to you. So when we leave, you can hold on to them really tight and know that soon we’ll be there.” I could see the tears about to leave his eyes.

If anyone was able to do something this sweet for Y/N, it would be Felix. The way that he cares for her, comforts her, it’s like they share one mind. He knows that she loves plushies. Ones that are so soft she can just sink into them. Chris never really liked too many things in his room. So he always discouraged her from decorating with plushies. He also felt that, although they were cute, they had no place in an adult’s bedroom. Especially not a leader’s bedroom. Most of her plushies found residence in my room. 

I had no problem holding onto them for her and sometimes she would even decorate my room with them. Every movie night, before Hannie and I came home, she would grab the plushies and throw them on Han’s bed. She’d decorate with them, with Hannie’s favorite holding a bag of Hannie’s snacks. She’d also have her favorite, she named it Ollie, and Gyu on the bed, with popcorn in the middle. 

That always made me smile. That wherever Ollie went, so did Gyu. Whenever I would sleep in the same bed with her, I would grab Ollie and Gyu. One night she asked if she could hold Gyu for a bit. Usually I don’t let anyone touch him, but she isn’t anyone. Without hesitation I handed her Gyu and she handed me Ollie. I remember hearing her sigh with comfort as she talked to Gyu about me. How lucky Gyu must be to fall asleep next to me every night. She thanked him for comforting me and for allowing me to sleep soundly. Even on every tour, she would pack Ollie and Gyu for me to sleep with. The first time she did it, she wrote a note with it. ‘I’m going to miss you, but so is Ollie. I may not be able to go with you but Ollie can! Sleep well, have a great tour, I’ll see you soon Binnie!-Angel.’

She looked up at Felix, released the angel, and hugged him as she whimpered a bunch of tiny little “thank you’s” into his chest. I think she realized that all of us know that she is scared. We may not say it but we do. We know and we all love her so much. We are here for her. Even if we may not be there in person, there is no place we would rather be than being with her. 

Felix held her and pulled back after a few minutes. He wiped her tears and he said, “come on sit, take a load off. The brownie batter is almost done… unless you want to help?” He smirked at her. 

She practically dragged Felix to the kitchen and Minho yelled, “Yah, I’m not done in here!” She giggled and asked what he was doing. I came into the kitchen to see Minho tying tenderloin together. She was watching curiously as he worked. He said, “it is your first day home and we should celebrate that. I’m making beef wellington, and don’t worry I left out the mushrooms, replaced it with onions and carrots for you.”

“Really? Thank you Minho! This is going to be the best dinner, thank you!!” She bounced and kissed him on the cheek. His ears turned red as he said, “okokok go over there with Lix’ you guys can have the oven first since this needs to chill,” he kissed her forehead right before she bolted to help Lix. I couldn’t help but giggle at her as she breathed life into the room. 

I could see that she was really touched that he said, ‘your first day home’. Those words meant that now she is home. This is her space as well as theirs, that will never change. I could see her trying to hold back tears as she baked. Once things were baking Lix’ plugged in the switch and we had a blast playing games while we waited for dinner to come around. After everything was baked and made, we all sat down for a nice dinner, like we used to in the shared dorms.

Right before we all sat down Y/N smiled and said, “thank you. To all of you. This experience was hard. It was the hardest thing that I have ever been through to date. It’s because of all of you that I made it. All of you mean so much to me. The thing that really scared me after all of this was what would happen if I lost you guys? My boys. I cherish every single memory with each of you. I love you boys so damn much, you are all my family. Seeing what you did,” she looked at me and Hannie, “Being so strong. Crying with me, holding me through it all.” I grabbed her hand and kissed it. Resisting the urge to nudge into it like I always do.

She looked at everyone else, “The fear that each of you must have felt. I know I wasn’t the only one mourning and coming to terms with things.” I saw her look directly at Seungmin for a split second and went back to scanning the table, “I want to thank all of you so much. This experience was horrific. Because of all of you, I made it out. I love you boys so much. Thank you for welcoming me home.” With that, she sat down and leaned into me, I could tell she was either too nervous or embarrassed.

As we were eating and laughing she looked around the table. I sat down right to her left and Hannie was on her other side. I could tell she was doing her best not to cry. I think it was the same for the boys. Two days ago that wasn’t the case. She was fighting for her life around this time. To think that we would all be here, together, a family. It made me want to cry. This is the family that she deserves. Everyone she loves, at home, on time, together. She was so happy and before dessert came out Hyunjin said, “Yongbok-ah phase 2.” Then Felix went running to his room. He came out with a giant comforter and plopped on the living room floor. He then ran to Minho’s room, grabbed his comforter and plopped it down as well. At that point I.N. said, “Movie time! Everyone on the floor!”

Immediately everyone moved to the living room and got a spot except for me. I was helping wash dishes with Minho. When I walked in I could see Minho tearing up as we heard her giggle. I patted his back as I said, “what can I do to help, hyung?” He just shook his head a bit and asked me to help him with the drying. By the time we were almost done with that I heard Y/N calling my name and asking me to sit. I told her that I had to change into my pajamas first and I could hear her ask Lix if she could change in his room quickly. He of course obliged. 

Slowly but surely everyone started changing and pretty soon everyone was sitting on the comfy comforters. I didn’t really know where to sit and Y/N looked at me saying, “I know you aren’t thinking about sitting away from me.” I didn’t want to make it seem like she needed to be next to me all of the time, thinking that I would come off as clingy but it’s nice to know that she craves my touch as well. 

I sat down right next to her and everyone’s faces had giant smiles. I looked at her and she smirked as she held onto my bicep curling into me. This is one of my favorite places to be. Just next to her as she clings onto me like a Koala. 

She was giggling as Felix handed out the brownie sundaes and everyone got comfy. Y/N decided on a comedy for the first movie and out of nowhere she asked me, “You guys were never going to leave me, were you?” 

I just smiled at her and said, “Not in a million years. We love you, we always will. Nothing and no one will get in the way of that.” She gave me an indication that she wanted to be closer so I lifted my arm up, that way she could scooch closer to me. I could feel the tears through my sleep shirt as I held her. 

He almost giggled to himself when he thought about how much of an opposite to you he was. He never slept gracefully. Mostly landing on the opposite side of the bed where he started from and limbs either starfished or belly down smothering himself in the pillow. He was wondering if there was anyone else that he knows that looks as pretty as you do sleeping. Jisung looks cute but not pretty. Hyunjin looks almost angry as he sleeps, Minho can sleep with his eyes open which is just unsettling at times, I.N. sleeps in a ball (fox fits him perfectly), Chan looks catatonic, Minnie looks peaceful, but also slightly angry, Lixie however. He slept pretty. Sometimes Bin would love it when Lix would choose him as a pillow, especially during touring. Lix was always so nervous, so much so that sometimes Bin would get a call from his sunshine twin for help. Felix couldn’t sleep without cuddling him. So most days Bin would Tell I.N. goodnight after a shower and head to Lix’s room. He remembered just after day 2 of a Los Angeles show Felix showed up to his room. One minute they were talking, the next Bin woke up to Lix flattened like a pancake between the wall and himself. He remembers trying to move away from Lix’ and hearing Felix groaning and saying, “Hyung… no come back,” with grabby hands. He remembered looking down at him and saying, “You need to breathe Yongbok-ah” as he chuckled. Felix looked up and smirked as he said, “I’m breathing, now come back…” as Felix locked onto him. There Changbin was stuck for the better half of an hour as Felix went back to sleep. 

Also like Felix, you would sleep like a rock next to Changbin, but when Changbin would wake up or even shift, your eyes would open, making sure he wasn’t leaving. If he was, he would need to either bargain or say where he was going. Changbin, now that he thinks about it, recognizes that you and Felix have a very unique relationship. It’s not just because you have a unique relationship with each one of the members either. You and Felix have been through a lot, him being the first you called a friend. There was a lot of culture shock when you moved from New York to Seoul. Felix stood up with you through all of the jetlag and, although you could speak Korean in a limited capacity before you moved, it was nowhere near what you needed to speak to survive. 

Felix rented an apartment with you until you could get on your feet, so you didn’t feel so alone in a foreign country. He also did exercises with you in Korean, so you could learn the language better. He helped you form shortcuts for memorizing the Hangul and even helped you with the more advanced speaking by watching K-dramas with you. He’d pause it every few seconds to teach you about what you just heard. It’s because of Felix that you speak fluently after five years. Bin remembered those moments, coming over the apartment to help teach you. He knew there was nothing else expected behind Felix’s kindness aside from, “I understand that it’s hard, let me take some pressure off, yeah?” He could practically hear the thick Aussie accent as he reminisced. 

Changbin looked at your hands, he could see the signs of anxiety healing on them. He knew all too well how your anxiety slams into you. You pick at your nails at times and your nails are short because of it, it’s something you’ve been trying to work on since you had teeth. However, now they seem to be healing. That made him feel good. They were a representation of your mood, your healing process. It was not often that he looked at you without a pang of guilt, however. Lately, it’s still touch and go. He always felt a slight worry at the fact that you were married to Chris and not himself, now it’s full blown panic, rightfully so. If he was married to you he would be able to be closer to you, make sure you’re happy; now that line was blocking him. He knew the line was there, he felt it in the earth between the both of you. That line that used to be so defined, now blurring. That guilt shifting focus, instead of guilt for looking at you fondly, now morphing into guilt about this entire situation. If he would’ve spoken up, you wouldn’t be like this. If he would’ve said what Minho, Felix, Han, and himself were thinking; you wouldn’t be here. 

There were so many times that he’s found you in the midst of a panic attack, on edge thinking Chris would come home, just to have the rug snatched from under you. Sometimes he’d see you choking back tears as you are doing dishes, seeing no sign of Chan’s favorite mug, meaning he never came home. Smelling his cologne in the morning was the worst. Bin would find you curled on Chan’s side of the bed, asking why he left without saying anything. Questioning your worth. There was no stability for you, no peace. He wanted to tell you to get a divorce so many times. It was something that everyone who spent time with you wanted to scream. Seeing you suffer was and still is torture. Bin never knew how to bring it up though. He knows that you said that you’d leave Chan… But would you?

The press, the company, the fans, all of them would tear you apart. It’d be a massacre, if anything. The company made a show of it. The first public K-Pop couple, going public willingly. “The king and queen of K-Pop”, Chan from the Stray Kids falls in love with one of the best photographers in the business… The headlines made Bin choke at first. It shouldn’t have been that title, this situation, that circumstance. Chan’s hand should’ve never been in yours. Chan’s knee should’ve never touched the Earth, his hand should’ve never reached in his pocket to fish out a tiny black box. More than anything, the press should’ve never known anything. The backlash wasn’t terrible, with Chan protecting you for once. But now? That made his heart rate pick up. 

He wanted to keep you here. Safe and content, sleeping on his arm in the dawn of the morning in the middle of a living room floor. Hair tousled, surrounded by plushies, cradling you as you rest. No, not here, he refused to think about it. He refused to believe that anything bad would happen to you, not in his arms, in the safe space he made for you the same moment he met you. The past three days have been from Hell, yet you and him found strength in each other. He goes back to the second episode, the way you clung onto him, your hand barely able to fit half of his forearm. You stood here for him. You breathed for him. All because he asked you to. You fell fully expecting no one to catch you, since Chan never did. Instead, just like the plushies, his boys, your boys, caught you. Bin lunged for you, grabbed your hand and didn’t let go. He refused to, not after what he saw. What you went through. Not with how much he loves you.

Love is a strong word, now that Bin thinks about it. It’s unconditional. When you truly love someone, you don’t care about the ‘what’s’in life. What if someone found out, what if something happens, what are the risks? None of them matter. What matters is that person. He can’t remember a day after he met you where his needs ever superseded your own. It was natural to him. Do you need help carrying something? He’ll carry it all! Do you need an opinion on this photo? He drops all of his responsibilities for you. Chan never loved you. That pang in Bin’s chest came back. He had to face it. Yes, Chan never loved you. Yes, Chan used you as a tool, a tactic. Yes, he broke you. If anything, Chan was shitty at acting like he cared, but everyone didn’t want to see it, yourself included. Not anymore. 

You have gone through too much to be treated like an afterthought. Bin will chase any monster away, he’ll fight anyone who tries to come near you with any other motive other than to help you. You shifted a little in your sleep and your hair fell from your now messy bun. He smiled seeing the scrunch of your nose as a strand of hair tickled you. He laid on his side to completely face you. He gently moved the offending strand out of the way, drinking in your presence. You sighed happily and your nostrils flared, chasing Bin’s hand slightly. Bin knew what you wanted, he cupped your face gently as you smirked, still in sleep. It’s these little things that melt Changbin. The fact that even when sleeping you miss the people you love, even if they’re right next to you. You do the same thing to Hannie and Lixie as well. Mere seconds later you shivered. You blindly turned around, angel in hand and got closer to Changbin, making yourself the little spoon. Changbin used two plushies as stacked pillows so he could rest his head as he cuddled you.

“Warmer?” Bin asked as he looped his hand over your body and the angel, his arm resting in the dip of your waist. He had a smile creeping on his face, he was like Chan in the right circumstances, a literal furnace. So resting with him was the best. Like a heated pillow and blanket draped over you. He knew that when you’re cold you seek warmth, especially when drowsy so he was waiting for you to start to migrate closer to him.

Soon your shivers stopped as you said, “mhm thanks Binnie” and you kissed his bicep, your version of a “thank you” as you melted into Bin’s chest. That interaction, once again, isn’t new. You kiss everyone, in appropriate places of course. It’s just how you are. If you’re cuddling with Hannie you peck him on the palm of his hands, if it’s Lixie or Minho, it's the cheeks all day every day. For Bin you peck his chest and arms. Bin as well as the others communicate the same way with you, Bin’s favorite places are the crown of your head and your forehead. Most of the boys follow suit with that tight parameter, except for Innah who will peck your hands, your fingers, whatever is accessible, even on the shoulder if you are cooking or something. 

Bin caught him pecking your shoulder once as a thanks and he yelled, “Yah! What makes you so special??”, just to hear you say, “Aye! Don’t yell at my baby! Lookathim, he’s just a baby,” you cooed as you squished his cheeks and scratched his scalp. I.N. just had a shit eating grin as he said, “Hyung, why are you mad at me? I’m just a baby…” Bin just said, “yeah tell that to your browser history.” You immediately went into a fit of laughter as Innah said, “How do you know about that??” Bin just looked at him and yelled, “get off the group email, you degenerate!” Bin, when he couldn’t get to your head, like that night, he’ll kiss your hands as he holds them. He remembered and held onto the memories between you and the boys, smiling as he watched you in your sleep. 

Eventually Minho got up and took a picture of course, Bin didn’t care though, as long as you weren’t disturbed. A little after Minho came and went, Hannie popped out of Lix’s room, he had an intent to his movements.

 See, there is this thing Hannie does. As soon as he gets up he is very cuddly, not to anyone else except you. He always saw you as his sister, the one he never had. It’s because of that he has this need to make sure you’re okay and he does that by early morning cuddles. That all started after you asked if you could sleep in one of the boy’s beds at night, missing the feeling of a body next to you. Han noticed that whenever you were either in your bed or Bin’s he would wake up with anxiety, his hands searching for you before his eyes even opened. It only dawned on him recently that for the first two weeks of asking, every night you approached Hannie. When he asked you why you hadn't asked Bin or Jinnie, you had said that you didn’t know how to ask Bin. Eventually, you did get around to asking Bin and he was fine with it. Hannie always knew mornings were the worst for you. He walked in many times, just like Bin did, when you’d be crying on Chan’s pillow. He noticed you didn’t do that when there was a body next to you. It didn’t matter how disheveled either of them looked, you would cuddle up and fall right back to sleep peacefully. 

The first time Han did this, he found you in your morning ritual of crying, then you felt the bed behind you dip, knowing it wasn’t Chris but one of the boys. You could even tell which one, it was Han. He always stepped lighter around you, especially when you were crying or sad. He knew that you would get startled otherwise. His heart only cracked further when you didn’t flinch or question who it was. Han didn’t say anything, he just delicately dug his hands into the ball you made of your body and he dragged you to himself.  He covered the both of you with the blankets and he whispered, “You don’t need that Anya, let that go for me. Come here, hold on to me… there you go... Good job Anya”. You let go of your husband’s pillow and grabbed on to Hannie, digging into his chest as you cried. His deep rumble soothing you as he said, “I’m so sorry, my heart breaks Anya. You don’t deserve this. Worth so much more. I got you, breathe.” Ever since then, Han always searched you out in the mornings. 

Hannie looked at Bin and yourself and laid down on the makeshift bed as he made himself known. At this point it’s so routine that you don’t even get startled. Hannie just turned you so you were now facing Bin, and Hannie dragged you to himself, gently of course.

“Hannie?” You groaned. You were so warm and all you could register was the feeling of being moved. You knew it was Hannie, you smirked to yourself as you waited for him to announce himself. Bin looked at the pair of you and couldn’t help but smile. This ritual that you and Hannie had was probably the cutest thing he has seen. The fact that it’s now routine is something that makes him so happy. The fact that all of the boys love you so much, it makes him not only proud of the boys, but it makes him happy to know that you will always have someone in your corner.

Han just whispers, “Mhm it’s me Anya, get some sleep, just holding you, that okay?” Forever the gentleman asking permission. You nodded and he pulled you in, the last thing you remembered was the momentary cold of the comforter as you were being pulled.  All that you registered after that was the rumble of the warm chest behind you as he spoke softly to Bin. After that you passed back out instantaneously. 

“How did she sleep?” Han asked. He was worried about how the first night went. He didn’t want you to feel crowded, which is why he slept on Lix’s floor, no comforter but he packed his sleeping bag in his overnight bag so he had no problem sleeping there.

“Good, I think.” Bin responded. Luckily Bin slept a little better, but he wouldn’t tell anyone about the sudden episodes, waking with a need to feel you close to him. The last thing he remembers of the nightmares being images of Chris trying to get to you. Some being of you unmoving, or of you willingly letting go of him. Those times he was so grateful that you wanted him to be in the bed with you. He’d immediately feel you close and he'd pass back out, not needing to open his eyes. 

“That’s good.” Han said. He could see it in Bin’s eyes. He’s been friends with him for almost a decade, in a lot of ways they grew up together, Bin may be good at hiding, but not good enough to hide from Han. “So are you going to tell me what is going on in your head now, hyung?” Han looked down, petting your hair back as he waited for the answer. 

“Just trust me when I say you don’t want any of the ideas implanted in your head, Han. I know I am not okay right now. As soon as she starts therapy, I’m going right after her,” Bin’s face was hard as he looked at Han, if he didn’t have that scowl on his face, he knew he’d collapse. “I’m sorry I scared you earlier… I should have more composure than I did.” Han knew exactly what he was talking about. Han was terrified in that waiting room, seeing Bin’s entire demeanor shift. His happy, funny, go lucky brother… just gone, replaced with anger, pain, suffering incarnate. 

Han looked at him, “I’m not going to lie, it did terrify me, you meant every word of what you said.” He saw Bin’s eyebrows drop, his lips went from tight to relaxed, almost downturned as his jaw clenched momentarily, his mouth opened in a tiny breath. Han continued, “But you also need to know that your reaction is justified. You had and still have every right to be enraged. It’s not your fault that all of this happened. Chris is a manipulator, he had this show well rehearsed. We didn’t see it. We all didn’t see it Bin. So please don’t blame yourself, because it’s just like what Y/N told Minho, we aren’t responsible for another man’s actions.”

“I don’t know why he did it. I keep on racking my brain. She did everything possible to make him happy. She tore herself apart for him.” Changbin always had that in the back of his head whenever he had time to himself. Even if he was just using the restroom, he couldn’t fathom why. That was when Changbin realized, anything you did, wasn't going to be enough. You already gave him so much yet he just didn't care. He wanted more, like a black hole in your life. You can never fill a glass with a hole in the bottom.

Han said, “The why doesn’t matter. What matters is her.” He tilted his head to you, “I got a call from management, they’re giving us two months off. Apparently Chris let them know what happened.” Bin’s jaw opened and Han cut him off before a syllable could be uttered, “I asked them specifically what he said, they told me. The story he gave checked out. He told them the truth. Which honestly scares me more, Bin.” Changbin’s heart dropped once he heard that. “Oh God. Okay. I’ll talk to PR and see what the plan is.” He responded. “I’ll do it later though. I… we just need peace right now. I need to go out. Get her some sanitary items and I’m going to grab more medicine, a heating pad, all of that.” This isn’t Bin’s first rodeo, he has an older sister who basically taught him everything about the reproductive system. Bin has also shared a bathroom with you for years so he already knows your size, your flow throughout it, all of it. 

Since you were now cuddling Han, Changbin is now free. Knowing he had a few things to do he grabbed his overnight bag and opened it. Grabbing his shower gel, toothbrush, change of clothes and his razor. Bin hasn’t ever been more excited to shower and shave. He hasn’t done things like that since the morning of when it happened.  

He headed to the shower and set up. As he undressed his mind was blank. He was focused on getting you what you need and coming back as quickly as possible. Bin was in the shower for a while, letting it seep into his bones. He could feel the sensation start in his throat. The recognizable tightness in his throat, his heart heavier than the previous time he had this urge. His breathing ragged, he wondered what he could’ve done differently, he didn’t want to lose you. Logically, he knew he wouldn't. But would you hold it against him for not saying anything about what he was feeling about the marriage? Would you hate him? He could hear you laugh and see your smile as his chest tightened. He saw all of the looks on your face that night and the pain that he tried to quell. He tried to remind himself that this isn’t his fault. He couldn’t hold it in anymore as he let the sobs rack his body silently. He focused on the sound of the water hitting all around him in the shower.

After letting some of it out. He looked up, letting the water rain down on him. It allowed him to breathe. He felt better after he finished his shower. As soon as he looked in the mirror on the wall just above the sink he realized something. Changbin hasn’t looked in a mirror in days. His eyes always focused on you. He wiped the steam away as he saw himself. His face dusted with the beginnings of a 5 o’clock shadow, his hair wet and already looking a little curly. He also noticed the slightest bags under his eyes, which didn’t surprise him. He reminisced at how obsessed you were over his curls. 

You yourself helped him with his hair routine when you noticed how crunchy the curls were. You ran to the store to get all the necessary hair products and you taught him how to relax the curls and not fight them. He looked at the products laid out in front of him smiling. After he styled his hair he headed out.

It was maybe an hour later that the house came back to life, well relatively. Han wanted you to sleep as much as possible so he scolded whoever came in and made too much noise. It was only so long Minho could hold out though, so he decided to make Hotteok, a close to American pancake filled with sugar, walnuts, and cinnamon. For yours he put in extra things like dark chocolate, berries, and mango, for your iron count. Everyone else got the basic version. Which Han grumbled about but Minho just ignored him. As Han went to the restroom you stirred at the sounds and smells in the kitchen. You felt behind you for Han and you didn’t find him, so you reached in front of you, knowing Binnie was there, but he wasn’t. 

You opened your eyes reluctantly as you got your bearings. You couldn’t really grasp that Bin could possibly be out but all you know is that your nose is still a little sensitive. For some reason you are craving Changbin’s scent. It happened a few times when you were carrying, but the urge was never this bad. You needed to smell his fresh scented cologne and the slight hint of him, the perfect combo you’d always get when you’d nestle into his neck. 

You tried smelling his pillow, the scent too faint to quench your craving. You smelled the comforter and it wasn’t near enough for you. Then you saw him. You grabbed the plush and buried your face in it. It was exactly what you needed, taking a deep breath in and relaxing. You got up slowly, your body still sore. You grunted as you finally made it to your feet. You heard Minho humming in the kitchen and decided on going there. 

Minho could hear the pattering of bare feet behind him. Then your sleepy voice spoke out, “MinMin?” Minho turned around and smiled softly at you, then he noticed what was in your hands.

“Beautiful? Why are you holding Gyu?” he asked as he worked on filling the pancakes.

You replied in the smallest voice, “Smells like him. Where’s Binnie?” Minho’s face softened hearing you say that. All of the boys knew that your cravings were still ongoing but it was something new that you craved smells too,well, to Minho at least. You had this problem even when you were still carrying, you would enlist Seungmin’s help. Seungmin’s scent was something you were obsessed with in the first month. Seungmin, of course being the friend he is, researched why you needed to smell him, finding that yes scents are a part of pregnancy cravings. Some days you would just ask to smell him and he had no problem coming over just for you to cuddle up to him on the couch for a few hours, unintentionally rolling around in his grip like a cat rolls in catnip.  Whenever Seungmin caught you doing that he would poke fun at you, but in all honesty it was the cutest thing he’s seen.

“Changbin went out to get you some things. He should be back soon.”

“Ok… what are you making?” You asked as you tried to see what he was up to.

“Breakfast, I’m making yours with mango, berries, and dark chocolate.” He said as you smiled excitedly. You heard Han’s voice behind you, “I told you not to wake her, hyung.” 

As soon as you turned around Han’s heart melted as he said, “Wh-What are you doing with Gyu, Anya??” You could tell Han was three seconds away from squealing and waking up the house officially. 

You answered in a tiny voice, realizing that you probably look very cute, hugging Gyu to your chest and still in pajamas. “Gyu smells like him… Waiting for my Binnie to come home.” You buried your face into Gyu as you looked up at Hannie. 

“How are you this CUTE?!” Han squealed.

Minho immediately said, “YAH keep it DOWN!” 

That made you giggle uncontrollably as you sniffed Gyu. Han ran out of the kitchen and came back with his phone, “Can I take a picture? You are too cute right now.”

You nodded, and just like that the picture was taken as you rubbed your eyes with one hand, making Hannie coo at the picture. He went into the group chat (Obviously without Chris in it.) 

He almost giggled to himself when he thought about how much of an opposite to you he was. He never slept gracefully. Mostly landing on the opposite side of the bed where he started from and limbs either starfished or belly down smothering himself in the pillow. He was wondering if there was anyone else that he knows that looks as pretty as you do sleeping. Jisung looks cute but not pretty. Hyunjin looks almost angry as he sleeps, Minho can sleep with his eyes open which is just unsettling at times, I.N. sleeps in a ball (fox fits him perfectly), Chan looks catatonic, Minnie looks peaceful, but also slightly angry, Lixie however. He slept pretty. Sometimes Bin would love it when Lix would choose him as a pillow, especially during touring. Lix was always so nervous, so much so that sometimes Bin would get a call from his sunshine twin for help. Felix couldn’t sleep without cuddling him. So most days Bin would Tell I.N. goodnight after a shower and head to Lix’s room. He remembered just after day 2 of a Los Angeles show Felix showed up to his room. One minute they were talking, the next Bin woke up to Lix flattened like a pancake between the wall and himself. He remembers trying to move away from Lix’ and hearing Felix groaning and saying, “Hyung… no come back,” with grabby hands. He remembered looking down at him and saying, “You need to breathe Yongbok-ah” as he chuckled. Felix looked up and smirked as he said, “I’m breathing, now come back…” as Felix locked onto him. There Changbin was stuck for the better half of an hour as Felix went back to sleep. 

Also like Felix, you would sleep like a rock next to Changbin, but when Changbin would wake up or even shift, your eyes would open, making sure he wasn’t leaving. If he was, he would need to either bargain or say where he was going. Changbin, now that he thinks about it, recognizes that you and Felix have a very unique relationship. It’s not just because you have a unique relationship with each one of the members either. You and Felix have been through a lot, him being the first you called a friend. There was a lot of culture shock when you moved from New York to Seoul. Felix stood up with you through all of the jetlag and, although you could speak Korean in a limited capacity before you moved, it was nowhere near what you needed to speak to survive. 

Felix rented an apartment with you until you could get on your feet, so you didn’t feel so alone in a foreign country. He also did exercises with you in Korean, so you could learn the language better. He helped you form shortcuts for memorizing the Hangul and even helped you with the more advanced speaking by watching K-dramas with you. He’d pause it every few seconds to teach you about what you just heard. It’s because of Felix that you speak fluently after five years. Bin remembered those moments, coming over the apartment to help teach you. He knew there was nothing else expected behind Felix’s kindness aside from, “I understand that it’s hard, let me take some pressure off, yeah?” He could practically hear the thick Aussie accent as he reminisced. 

Changbin looked at your hands, he could see the signs of anxiety healing on them. He knew all too well how your anxiety slams into you. You pick at your nails at times and your nails are short because of it, it’s something you’ve been trying to work on since you had teeth. However, now they seem to be healing. That made him feel good. They were a representation of your mood, your healing process. It was not often that he looked at you without a pang of guilt, however. Lately, it’s still touch and go. He always felt a slight worry at the fact that you were married to Chris and not himself, now it’s full blown panic, rightfully so. If he was married to you he would be able to be closer to you, make sure you’re happy; now that line was blocking him. He knew the line was there, he felt it in the earth between the both of you. That line that used to be so defined, now blurring. That guilt shifting focus, instead of guilt for looking at you fondly, now morphing into guilt about this entire situation. If he would’ve spoken up, you wouldn’t be like this. If he would’ve said what Minho, Felix, Han, and himself were thinking; you wouldn’t be here. 

There were so many times that he’s found you in the midst of a panic attack, on edge thinking Chris would come home, just to have the rug snatched from under you. Sometimes he’d see you choking back tears as you are doing dishes, seeing no sign of Chan’s favorite mug, meaning he never came home. Smelling his cologne in the morning was the worst. Bin would find you curled on Chan’s side of the bed, asking why he left without saying anything. Questioning your worth. There was no stability for you, no peace. He wanted to tell you to get a divorce so many times. It was something that everyone who spent time with you wanted to scream. Seeing you suffer was and still is torture. Bin never knew how to bring it up though. He knows that you said that you’d leave Chan… But would you?

The press, the company, the fans, all of them would tear you apart. It’d be a massacre, if anything. The company made a show of it. The first public K-Pop couple, going public willingly. “The king and queen of K-Pop”, Chan from the Stray Kids falls in love with one of the best photographers in the business… The headlines made Bin choke at first. It shouldn’t have been that title, this situation, that circumstance. Chan’s hand should’ve never been in yours. Chan’s knee should’ve never touched the Earth, his hand should’ve never reached in his pocket to fish out a tiny black box. More than anything, the press should’ve never known anything. The backlash wasn’t terrible, with Chan protecting you for once. But now? That made his heart rate pick up. 

He wanted to keep you here. Safe and content, sleeping on his arm in the dawn of the morning in the middle of a living room floor. Hair tousled, surrounded by plushies, cradling you as you rest. No, not here, he refused to think about it. He refused to believe that anything bad would happen to you, not in his arms, in the safe space he made for you the same moment he met you. The past three days have been from Hell, yet you and him found strength in each other. He goes back to the second episode, the way you clung onto him, your hand barely able to fit half of his forearm. You stood here for him. You breathed for him. All because he asked you to. You fell fully expecting no one to catch you, since Chan never did. Instead, just like the plushies, his boys, your boys, caught you. Bin lunged for you, grabbed your hand and didn’t let go. He refused to, not after what he saw. What you went through. Not with how much he loves you.

Love is a strong word, now that Bin thinks about it. It’s unconditional. When you truly love someone, you don’t care about the ‘what’s’in life. What if someone found out, what if something happens, what are the risks? None of them matter. What matters is that person. He can’t remember a day after he met you where his needs ever superseded your own. It was natural to him. Do you need help carrying something? He’ll carry it all! Do you need an opinion on this photo? He drops all of his responsibilities for you. Chan never loved you. That pang in Bin’s chest came back. He had to face it. Yes, Chan never loved you. Yes, Chan used you as a tool, a tactic. Yes, he broke you. If anything, Chan was shitty at acting like he cared, but everyone didn’t want to see it, yourself included. Not anymore. 

You have gone through too much to be treated like an afterthought. Bin will chase any monster away, he’ll fight anyone who tries to come near you with any other motive other than to help you. You shifted a little in your sleep and your hair fell from your now messy bun. He smiled seeing the scrunch of your nose as a strand of hair tickled you. He laid on his side to completely face you. He gently moved the offending strand out of the way, drinking in your presence. You sighed happily and your nostrils flared, chasing Bin’s hand slightly. Bin knew what you wanted, he cupped your face gently as you smirked, still in sleep. It’s these little things that melt Changbin. The fact that even when sleeping you miss the people you love, even if they’re right next to you. You do the same thing to Hannie and Lixie as well. Mere seconds later you shivered. You blindly turned around, angel in hand and got closer to Changbin, making yourself the little spoon. Changbin used two plushies as stacked pillows so he could rest his head as he cuddled you.

“Warmer?” Bin asked as he looped his hand over your body and the angel, his arm resting in the dip of your waist. He had a smile creeping on his face, he was like Chan in the right circumstances, a literal furnace. So resting with him was the best. Like a heated pillow and blanket draped over you. He knew that when you’re cold you seek warmth, especially when drowsy so he was waiting for you to start to migrate closer to him.

Soon your shivers stopped as you said, “mhm thanks Binnie” and you kissed his bicep, your version of a “thank you” as you melted into Bin’s chest. That interaction, once again, isn’t new. You kiss everyone, in appropriate places of course. It’s just how you are. If you’re cuddling with Hannie you peck him on the palm of his hands, if it’s Lixie or Minho, it's the cheeks all day every day. For Bin you peck his chest and arms. Bin as well as the others communicate the same way with you, Bin’s favorite places are the crown of your head and your forehead. Most of the boys follow suit with that tight parameter, except for Innah who will peck your hands, your fingers, whatever is accessible, even on the shoulder if you are cooking or something. 

Bin caught him pecking your shoulder once as a thanks and he yelled, “Yah! What makes you so special??”, just to hear you say, “Aye! Don’t yell at my baby! Lookathim, he’s just a baby,” you cooed as you squished his cheeks and scratched his scalp. I.N. just had a shit eating grin as he said, “Hyung, why are you mad at me? I’m just a baby…” Bin just said, “yeah tell that to your browser history.” You immediately went into a fit of laughter as Innah said, “How do you know about that??” Bin just looked at him and yelled, “get off the group email, you degenerate!” Bin, when he couldn’t get to your head, like that night, he’ll kiss your hands as he holds them. He remembered and held onto the memories between you and the boys, smiling as he watched you in your sleep. 

Eventually Minho got up and took a picture of course, Bin didn’t care though, as long as you weren’t disturbed. A little after Minho came and went, Hannie popped out of Lix’s room, he had an intent to his movements.

 See, there is this thing Hannie does. As soon as he gets up he is very cuddly, not to anyone else except you. He always saw you as his sister, the one he never had. It’s because of that he has this need to make sure you’re okay and he does that by early morning cuddles. That all started after you asked if you could sleep in one of the boy’s beds at night, missing the feeling of a body next to you. Han noticed that whenever you were either in your bed or Bin’s he would wake up with anxiety, his hands searching for you before his eyes even opened. It only dawned on him recently that for the first two weeks of asking, every night you approached Hannie. When he asked you why you hadn't asked Bin or Jinnie, you had said that you didn’t know how to ask Bin. Eventually, you did get around to asking Bin and he was fine with it. Hannie always knew mornings were the worst for you. He walked in many times, just like Bin did, when you’d be crying on Chan’s pillow. He noticed you didn’t do that when there was a body next to you. It didn’t matter how disheveled either of them looked, you would cuddle up and fall right back to sleep peacefully. 

The first time Han did this, he found you in your morning ritual of crying, then you felt the bed behind you dip, knowing it wasn’t Chris but one of the boys. You could even tell which one, it was Han. He always stepped lighter around you, especially when you were crying or sad. He knew that you would get startled otherwise. His heart only cracked further when you didn’t flinch or question who it was. Han didn’t say anything, he just delicately dug his hands into the ball you made of your body and he dragged you to himself.  He covered the both of you with the blankets and he whispered, “You don’t need that Anya, let that go for me. Come here, hold on to me… there you go... Good job Anya”. You let go of your husband’s pillow and grabbed on to Hannie, digging into his chest as you cried. His deep rumble soothing you as he said, “I’m so sorry, my heart breaks Anya. You don’t deserve this. Worth so much more. I got you, breathe.” Ever since then, Han always searched you out in the mornings. 

Hannie looked at Bin and yourself and laid down on the makeshift bed as he made himself known. At this point it’s so routine that you don’t even get startled. Hannie just turned you so you were now facing Bin, and Hannie dragged you to himself, gently of course.

“Hannie?” You groaned. You were so warm and all you could register was the feeling of being moved. You knew it was Hannie, you smirked to yourself as you waited for him to announce himself. Bin looked at the pair of you and couldn’t help but smile. This ritual that you and Hannie had was probably the cutest thing he has seen. The fact that it’s now routine is something that makes him so happy. The fact that all of the boys love you so much, it makes him not only proud of the boys, but it makes him happy to know that you will always have someone in your corner.

Han just whispers, “Mhm it’s me Anya, get some sleep, just holding you, that okay?” Forever the gentleman asking permission. You nodded and he pulled you in, the last thing you remembered was the momentary cold of the comforter as you were being pulled.  All that you registered after that was the rumble of the warm chest behind you as he spoke softly to Bin. After that you passed back out instantaneously. 

“How did she sleep?” Han asked. He was worried about how the first night went. He didn’t want you to feel crowded, which is why he slept on Lix’s floor, no comforter but he packed his sleeping bag in his overnight bag so he had no problem sleeping there.

“Good, I think.” Bin responded. Luckily Bin slept a little better, but he wouldn’t tell anyone about the sudden episodes, waking with a need to feel you close to him. The last thing he remembers of the nightmares being images of Chris trying to get to you. Some being of you unmoving, or of you willingly letting go of him. Those times he was so grateful that you wanted him to be in the bed with you. He’d immediately feel you close and he'd pass back out, not needing to open his eyes. 

“That’s good.” Han said. He could see it in Bin’s eyes. He’s been friends with him for almost a decade, in a lot of ways they grew up together, Bin may be good at hiding, but not good enough to hide from Han. “So are you going to tell me what is going on in your head now, hyung?” Han looked down, petting your hair back as he waited for the answer. 

“Just trust me when I say you don’t want any of the ideas implanted in your head, Han. I know I am not okay right now. As soon as she starts therapy, I’m going right after her,” Bin’s face was hard as he looked at Han, if he didn’t have that scowl on his face, he knew he’d collapse. “I’m sorry I scared you earlier… I should have more composure than I did.” Han knew exactly what he was talking about. Han was terrified in that waiting room, seeing Bin’s entire demeanor shift. His happy, funny, go lucky brother… just gone, replaced with anger, pain, suffering incarnate. 

Han looked at him, “I’m not going to lie, it did terrify me, you meant every word of what you said.” He saw Bin’s eyebrows drop, his lips went from tight to relaxed, almost downturned as his jaw clenched momentarily, his mouth opened in a tiny breath. Han continued, “But you also need to know that your reaction is justified. You had and still have every right to be enraged. It’s not your fault that all of this happened. Chris is a manipulator, he had this show well rehearsed. We didn’t see it. We all didn’t see it Bin. So please don’t blame yourself, because it’s just like what Y/N told Minho, we aren’t responsible for another man’s actions.”

“I don’t know why he did it. I keep on racking my brain. She did everything possible to make him happy. She tore herself apart for him.” Changbin always had that in the back of his head whenever he had time to himself. Even if he was just using the restroom, he couldn’t fathom why. That was when Changbin realized, anything you did, wasn't going to be enough. You already gave him so much yet he just didn't care. He wanted more, like a black hole in your life. You can never fill a glass with a hole in the bottom.

Han said, “The why doesn’t matter. What matters is her.” He tilted his head to you, “I got a call from management, they’re giving us two months off. Apparently Chris let them know what happened.” Bin’s jaw opened and Han cut him off before a syllable could be uttered, “I asked them specifically what he said, they told me. The story he gave checked out. He told them the truth. Which honestly scares me more, Bin.” Changbin’s heart dropped once he heard that. “Oh God. Okay. I’ll talk to PR and see what the plan is.” He responded. “I’ll do it later though. I… we just need peace right now. I need to go out. Get her some sanitary items and I’m going to grab more medicine, a heating pad, all of that.” This isn’t Bin’s first rodeo, he has an older sister who basically taught him everything about the reproductive system. Bin has also shared a bathroom with you for years so he already knows your size, your flow throughout it, all of it. 

Since you were now cuddling Han, Changbin is now free. Knowing he had a few things to do he grabbed his overnight bag and opened it. Grabbing his shower gel, toothbrush, change of clothes and his razor. Bin hasn’t ever been more excited to shower and shave. He hasn’t done things like that since the morning of when it happened.  

He headed to the shower and set up. As he undressed his mind was blank. He was focused on getting you what you need and coming back as quickly as possible. Bin was in the shower for a while, letting it seep into his bones. He could feel the sensation start in his throat. The recognizable tightness in his throat, his heart heavier than the previous time he had this urge. His breathing ragged, he wondered what he could’ve done differently, he didn’t want to lose you. Logically, he knew he wouldn't. But would you hold it against him for not saying anything about what he was feeling about the marriage? Would you hate him? He could hear you laugh and see your smile as his chest tightened. He saw all of the looks on your face that night and the pain that he tried to quell. He tried to remind himself that this isn’t his fault. He couldn’t hold it in anymore as he let the sobs rack his body silently. He focused on the sound of the water hitting all around him in the shower.

After letting some of it out. He looked up, letting the water rain down on him. It allowed him to breathe. He felt better after he finished his shower. As soon as he looked in the mirror on the wall just above the sink he realized something. Changbin hasn’t looked in a mirror in days. His eyes always focused on you. He wiped the steam away as he saw himself. His face dusted with the beginnings of a 5 o’clock shadow, his hair wet and already looking a little curly. He also noticed the slightest bags under his eyes, which didn’t surprise him. He reminisced at how obsessed you were over his curls. 

You yourself helped him with his hair routine when you noticed how crunchy the curls were. You ran to the store to get all the necessary hair products and you taught him how to relax the curls and not fight them. He looked at the products laid out in front of him smiling. After he styled his hair he headed out.

It was maybe an hour later that the house came back to life, well relatively. Han wanted you to sleep as much as possible so he scolded whoever came in and made too much noise. It was only so long Minho could hold out though, so he decided to make Hotteok, a close to American pancake filled with sugar, walnuts, and cinnamon. For yours he put in extra things like dark chocolate, berries, and mango, for your iron count. Everyone else got the basic version. Which Han grumbled about but Minho just ignored him. As Han went to the restroom you stirred at the sounds and smells in the kitchen. You felt behind you for Han and you didn’t find him, so you reached in front of you, knowing Binnie was there, but he wasn’t. 

You opened your eyes reluctantly as you got your bearings. You couldn’t really grasp that Bin could possibly be out but all you know is that your nose is still a little sensitive. For some reason you are craving Changbin’s scent. It happened a few times when you were carrying, but the urge was never this bad. You needed to smell his fresh scented cologne and the slight hint of him, the perfect combo you’d always get when you’d nestle into his neck. 

You tried smelling his pillow, the scent too faint to quench your craving. You smelled the comforter and it wasn’t near enough for you. Then you saw him. You grabbed the plush and buried your face in it. It was exactly what you needed, taking a deep breath in and relaxing. You got up slowly, your body still sore. You grunted as you finally made it to your feet. You heard Minho humming in the kitchen and decided on going there. 

Minho could hear the pattering of bare feet behind him. Then your sleepy voice spoke out, “MinMin?” Minho turned around and smiled softly at you, then he noticed what was in your hands.

“Beautiful? Why are you holding Gyu?” he asked as he worked on filling the pancakes.

You replied in the smallest voice, “Smells like him. Where’s Binnie?” Minho’s face softened hearing you say that. All of the boys knew that your cravings were still ongoing but it was something new that you craved smells too,well, to Minho at least. You had this problem even when you were still carrying, you would enlist Seungmin’s help. Seungmin’s scent was something you were obsessed with in the first month. Seungmin, of course being the friend he is, researched why you needed to smell him, finding that yes scents are a part of pregnancy cravings. Some days you would just ask to smell him and he had no problem coming over just for you to cuddle up to him on the couch for a few hours, unintentionally rolling around in his grip like a cat rolls in catnip.  Whenever Seungmin caught you doing that he would poke fun at you, but in all honesty it was the cutest thing he’s seen.

“Changbin went out to get you some things. He should be back soon.”

“Ok… what are you making?” You asked as you tried to see what he was up to.

“Breakfast, I’m making yours with mango, berries, and dark chocolate.” He said as you smiled excitedly. You heard Han’s voice behind you, “I told you not to wake her, hyung.” 

As soon as you turned around Han’s heart melted as he said, “Wh-What are you doing with Gyu, Anya??” You could tell Han was three seconds away from squealing and waking up the house officially. 

You answered in a tiny voice, realizing that you probably look very cute, hugging Gyu to your chest and still in pajamas. “Gyu smells like him… Waiting for my Binnie to come home.” You buried your face into Gyu as you looked up at Hannie. 

“How are you this CUTE?!” Han squealed.

Minho immediately said, “YAH keep it DOWN!” 

That made you giggle uncontrollably as you sniffed Gyu. Han ran out of the kitchen and came back with his phone, “Can I take a picture? You are too cute right now.”

You nodded, and just like that the picture was taken as you rubbed your eyes with one hand, making Hannie coo at the picture. He went into the group chat (Obviously without Chris in it.)