𝔠𝔩𝔞𝔫𝔡𝔢𝔰𝔱𝔦𝔫𝔬

WANDA: you... want to fuck me in my cheerio uniform

WANDA: I

[...]

WANDA: yeah okay

WANDA: is that what you are thinking when you see me on it?

MAX: i mean, yeah. i do.

MAX: do you understand how hot you look in it?

MAX: most of the time, yeah.

WANDA: ..... forever??????? like, every day???

MAX: what? no

WANDA: why you wanna do when i'm wearing it

WANDA: you are so hot in your uniform

WANDA: like super strong

MAX: i mean i don't wanna take it off of you, that's for sure

I’m heading to my mom’s for the weekend tomorrow, and there’s literally nothing to do in Columbus, so if anyone wants to join me or has any ideas of how to pass the time and not come out of your room for an entire weekend, hit me up. 

I’m supposed to be babysitting my neighbor’s kids since they’re going away for the weekend and I am literally freaking the hell out. I mean, whenever we interact we’re totally best friends but I have no idea what they’re into. Like, is Baby Shark still a thing? Do I have to learn these complicated TikTok dances? Are they gonna turn against me if I don’t give them cheetos? There’s so many things going through my head but I guess the best thing to do is just wing it. I love kids, kids love me. I should be good. Right?

Always give them Cheetos! But don’t give them Hot Cheetos or else you’ll burn off their taste buds. How about you get some chocolate milk, too? Unless they’re lactose intolerant... you should check that first. How about you find some movies to watch with them? How old are the kids? 

Important questions from Dora: would you rather have no elbows or no knees?

I guess I’d say no elbows because then that would mean I’d have to do less schoolwork and I can focus on soccer. But then again! If I had no elbows, I wouldn’t be able to play guitar. 

Alright, I’m gonna say it because nobody else seems to care. All of the teachers at our school are actually idiots. Especially, Mr. Schuester. Today he taught an entire lesson about “Argentinian culture” and ended it by singing “Remember Me” from Coco. Where does Figgins find these people? Even children know that Coco takes place in Mexico.

I don’t think he knows the difference between any Latin American countries. I could tell him I’m half Cuban and half Colombian, and he’d either A.) tell me he thought they were the same country or B.) ask if I’m from the District of Columbia. 

WANDA: YES I KNOW but like, what happens around it?

WANDA: like for example

WANDA: i think about u touching me when u sleepover

WANDA: like you sneaking inside my room

MAX: i'm gonna die

MAX: i know i'm supposed to be like responding to this

MAX: but that visual is like so hot

MAX: and i've thought about that

DORA: I think it's kinda unfair I have to attend Cheerio practice three times a week.

DORA: three times too many.

DORA: when do I REST?

MAX: sue sylvester likes torturing you guys.

MAX: i'm surprised it's not five times a week.

For those of you who haven’t had the pleasure of making my acquaintance just yet, allow me to introduce myself. My name’s Sebastian, I’m a senior, completely out of all of your leagues, and I just started here at this train-wreck of a school last week. Feel free to try and impress me, but I should warn you all now; it’s not going to be easy. 

Hi Sebastian! How are ya? I’m Max, but I think you know that because I’m pretty sure I’ve seen you around. But maybe you don’t remember me or maybe you don’t care. You might be out of my league, but that’s okay. I still think you’re rad. 

WANDA: You took too long and now i did a whole research

WANDA: now u cant come cause i gotta see if it works

WANDA: dont drop the phone

WANDA: its coming i'm warning yoi

WANDA: okay so

WANDA: tell me what you think about when you touch yourself

MAX: what

MAX: excuse me

MAX: what are you saying

MAX: i need a minute

[ ... ]

MAX: excuse me what

[ ... ]

MAX: idk how to do this

[ ... ]

FINN: straight facts.

FINN: oh totally. sometimes my mom and I play rockband together.

FINN: What's yours, Max?

MAX: that's amazing! i love that for you.

MAX: i love weezer so like, (if you're wondering if i want you to) i want you to. for sure.

ALE: You have the chance to fix it now, Max. She likes you, you know she does. I know she does. You two have been meant to be together since day one. You can't hold back chemistry like that. If you try, you are just lying.

[...]

WANDA: i didn't get enough time to research about sexting :(

WANDA: i missed jumping beside you on class

WANDA: wanna come over?

MAX: do you wanna learn more about sexting?

MAX: i missed you.

WANDA: MAX YOU JUST GOT THAT PHONE

WANDA: isnt that like the whole point???

WANDA: we can try tomorrow? We can Google it

WANDA: yeah, we better.

WANDA: we done fighting? But no more secrets. Ever.

MAX: IF YOU WERE SO CONCERNED ABOUT MY PHONE YOU WOULDN'T HAVE SAID THAT

MAX: okay but i've never practiced and you know what they say, practice makes perfect.

MAX: TRY TOMORROW? like, the sex part or the sexting part?

JAKE: tell me you know of some shit that's going down this weekend? doesn't have to be huge. i'll settle for a shit show if needed.

MAX: there'll always be something, especially because everyone's horny all the time.

MAX: i mean.

MAX: that wasn't your point. at all.

MAX: what i mean is that there'll be something going down this weekend.

WANDA: YEAH CAUSE I WANTED TO TEST IT.

WANDA: dont you watch porn??? Pretty sure you do

WANDA: really?

WANDA: it this sexting

WANDA: okay good. we gotta have an awesome first kiss.

MAX: TEST WHAT? THAT YOU COULD MAKE ME DROP MY PHONE BY SAYING IT?

MAX: doesn’t mean i know what to do, though.

MAX: idk. is it? i’ve never done it.