RANT
(plus a bunch of pink images becauseā¦idk, I like pink? )
Itās honestly quite hard being the way I am. This is mostly going to be a rattling of my own experiences, and I will warn that most of these following paragraphs deal with internalised misogyny and homophobia, as well as some remaining vestige of anguish and resentment (??).
The reason I shy away from big friend groups of women is not because I fear Iāll catch feelings for that that will not be reciprocated, and instead be mocked, no, itās because of the way these groups function. This has been covered much by some of the intelligent folk here, and so Iāll not delve too much into it, but the brief summary would be that it involves masking of true emotions, performative social dynamics, and an expulsion of someone who does not fit the norm, as well as heteronormativity being thrust upon all participants.
What I would attempt to delve into instead is own, very troubled relationship with this topic. Because such groups have a form of etiquette, ( which usually includes distilled amounts of bigotry present in the culture at large ), itās quite unsafe for me to reveal my sexuality. And I hate this. Itās quite easy for me to pick apart how all these individuals, myself included, are products of the machine, the system, the times. And yet, personally, they are such wonderful individuals, it just makes me quake, how easily they would reject me on the basis of how I identify.
Many of them give me funny looks only because of my preference to things they do not like.
What I would attempt to delve into instead is own, very troubled relationship with this topic. Because such groups have a form of etiquette, ( which usually includes distilled forms of bigotry circling around in the local circle and social environment as largely, meaning they are prone to repeat the same patterns of lesbiphobia as the other people around them. Even worse, these groups donāt leave much space for dissent. If one prominent member starts, everyone will likely follow. ) theyād probably hate me, and be disgusted by me.
While I definitely agree that women and girls reinforce the same values that oppress them, I feel like Iām being distinctly unfeminist whenever I feel this way, I feel like Iām giving myself an excuse to let my misogyny stew over, and yes, Iām aware that everyone is capable of producing the outputs of their inputs, even if said inputs have been blocked, but it leaves me with a feeling of guilt. I simultaneously understand them and resent them. They would hate me, though, if they ever found out, and I know what that is, and it hurts me. I hate how they accept these things, how they fear that which they do not know. And I still canāt bring myself to openly resent them.
Again, this has devolved into absolute nonsense. Itās not very easy, exactly, to find someone who understands what Iām going through. Even those friends that have some inkling of the fact I may not be straight still look at me funny, and seem to act quite nervously around me, as if scared Iāll develop some sort of unrequited love, Romeo-Juliet sort of complex. Plus, I have bad experiences with being queerbaited, I dislike it when someoneās flirting with me for fun, idk, just feels like Iām being mocked (???) and people are attempting to dangle a carrot in front of my face like-āOh you like women? Flirt back.ā When I canāt flirts, and Iām kind of antisocial. Plus, I have some form of trust issues and am constantly on guard around people trying to mock me.
I really wish I wasnāt this way, sometimes, because years and years of learning from several of these types of friendships and groups, and having the unfortunate trait of attempting to please others leaves a mark on me. I wish I could assimilate, itās what my training tells me is necessary, because if I donāt, Iāll be outcasted in a way that has me seen as some bitch too eager to prove herself to boys. I know the ploys that are used here, itās justā¦oh my god. I dont wanna be the sanctimonious one, telling others what exactly and why exactly they think the way they do.
