Itās wild, because I feel absolutely crazy for knowing how to better combat my sadness over these things, but almost refusing to do so because I feel as if Iām grasping at straws. Like Iāll never be better. I know itās not true, I want to be better more than anything on this Earth. But it just seems so unrealistic. Nothing in my life points in the direction of goodness, or happiness, or anything like that. So itās hard for me to tell myself positive things when my life reflects pure turmoil and apathy. And despair and loneliness. Everywhere I look, every corner. Itās amazing how one person could make you feel this way for SO LONG. Itās permanently etched into my brain, it seems. The worst part, or I guess one of the main parts, is that I KNOW Iām the only one of us two that feels like this. Constantly. Everyday. When I see other couples, watch a movie with one, listen to music, eat, sleep, even masturbate lol. There she is, looming over me like a guillotine. Itās impossible to forget her, it feels. And if itās impossible to forget her, how can I possibly recover? How can I get better? What do I have to do to care as little as she does? Iāll never meet anyone new because Iām so damaged. I was watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and I thought, āWell, Hell, what a fantastic idea. Voluntary amnesia!ā Isnāt that grand? Just having the slate wiped clean? I know itās a movie, but thatās a damn good idea. Id go into debt for it, surely. But it also reminded me that Iām not alone in feeling like this, and thatās comforting to some extent. Doesnāt fully alleviate how I feel, I donāt think anything can really, but at least Iām not the only one irreparably damaged by heartbreak. This shit is so fucking stupid, and Iām so tired of always being the weak one in any equation. Iām always the one who gets fucked over and drenched in emotional tides while the other person can casually go on living their life. As if I was never important to them; my feelings, my presence. Itās just so EASY for everyone else to forget me, or to use me then forget me. I wish I could be like that. I wish I could disengage like a robot. Iād be so much better. Stronger. But thatās not me, and frankly, I think itās too late for me to try and change into something Iām not. So I am bound in torment. Perpetually, by the looks of it. Wouldnāt be so annoying if I didnāt feel like I deserved more out of life. But I suppose most people steeped in torment feel the same as well and are still very much tormented. Iām to join their ranks quite soon. Iād never attempt on my life again, but itās times like these where turning it all off sounds so fucking lovely. Canāt do that though, Iād hurt too many people that I care about. So I trudge through this existence, apathetic and dismayed, in the hopes that someday soon things will turn around for me. Iāll be able to use my experiences as an armor, Iāll be able to not attach to someone or something so long, Iāll be strong. Brave. A fucking man. I will keep trying to move on, Iāll give it my all. But donāt be shocked if you see me here next year, spouting the same emotional nonsense. Not even sure why I write these things out anymore, itās not like anyone even gives a shit anyway. Why would they? Itās easy to not care about me, apparently. Im here, alone, crying in my darkened room because I just feel so trapped. Like itāll never end. What can I say though? You won; like you fucking win. Youāre out here shining, living your best life, cuddled with your new beau, and here I am, wrapped in my sadness like a mummy. Itās no wonder you didnāt stay, Iām truly pathetic, lol. Why would you want to be with someone like me? Someone so...defunctive. It was selfish of me to even try and make you stay. So I guess I deserved it. Fuck, man. Iām going to go smoke, thanks for reading if you did.
