MATTSVART

it’s okay to miss someone that was unhealthy for you

i live on countdown. thirty-three days until i am done with this. twenty-something until christmas, until new years. only three days of work before a day of rest. just eight more classes until i graduate. just one more year until i’m out of here. just. just. just this moment itself kind of feels like i’m both wasting it and wasting in it. like it’s killing me to be here and live through it but i know when i look back it will seem like it passed in an instant. already i’m worrying that i’m missing the best of things. already i’m worrying that it doesn’t get better on the other side of this. that i reach the end of the countdown just for another one to begin. like i don’t know how to survive without a clock telling me there’s ten days before he goes away again or there’s six years before i have to buy a house or there’s only so much time left before my youth runs out. how do you plan for the future and also live in the moment. how do you keep your childhood joy and also obsess about what happens two years from now. 

Jag antar att detta är berättelsen om två som aldrig blev och en som aldrig blev hel

Most of all though, it was you who I wanted to tell that I was hurting. You were the one I wanted to explain to that if I had my heart in my hands instead of my chest, I’d be able to watch it beat in pain to the beat of, “I’m hurting I’m hurting I’m hurting and you’re just watching”. But no one wants to hear about the pain they’ve inflicted. One moment you’re telling me you love me and the next you can’t even look me in the eyes anymore and the next we haven’t talked in 3 months and oh god oh god how is this happening oh- But it was still you I wanted to turn to, even though I knew that you weren’t part of the team anymore. I wanted to beg my heart to let it go, God please, there’s no point in beating for you anymore. But my heart’s never listening and my head’s awful at communication, so if you’re looking for a heart, another one to add to your collection, you know my house is the one on the corner of our favorite intersection.

I deleted your number so that I wouldn’t be able to call you on a day like this Where I can hardly breathe without you I can hardly breathe at the thought that you’re not here and it’s been one of those days where you’re the only one I know who can make it better I can’t stop crying and I’m so scared Cause what if you’re the only one who’s ever gonna love me or worse what if you’re the only one I’m ever gonna be able to love like I loved you The naive kind of love I can’t believe I was so lucky to love you kind of love Leaving you was the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do kind of love I’m crying on the train home with tears smearing my lips With my heart bleeding so hard I feel like it could pour out onto the train tracks But you’re gone You’re gone I know that you’re gone

five months later but it still hurts

How do I get over him?