I am married to a kind, brave, and beautiful woman. Who balances my insanity (most of the time). She takes care of our family, even when she's under tremendous stress. She has created a home, for us all to come feel safe in. Yet I spent so much time on this hellsite, trying to drown out deep-seated pain.
I have used you and many others like you as an outlet, as a way to feel better about myself, instead of facing the pain I was dealing with. I used you to project something, and to feel like I was accomplishing things, when in real life I have felt guilty, stuck, and lost. I felt like I was not living up to my potential, nor living up to my standards.
When I was single, browsing Tumblr was a "guitly pleasure", but since I've been in a relationship, and in particular, since I've been married, it's been a destructive habit. One that caused pain to the woman I love.
She is the one person who knows anything real about me. There is no one else who does. She has stood beside me from the beginning. She saw me when I felt no one else did.
Cheating on her was an asshole move, and not something my wife deserves. She deserves a partner who is fully there. Present and active.
When my wife and I first met, we talked, we kept talking, everyday. Because there was no one I could talk with like that. But once I got in my head I had to be a particular kind of man, I stopped talking to her, and instead started bullshitting girls like you. I became emotionally unavailable, while putting on an act over here.
She and Iused to have fun, talk without having to talk, looking at each other and knowing not just what the other was thinking, but that the other knew what the we were thinking. But through my betrayal, that link has been severed. I want to regrow it.
I was afraid to show my pain to her. I still am. I'm still afraid of so much in life. But I have decided to start facing it, every day. Because my wife deserves that, she deserves a husband who isn't a coward.
