One Who Never Lost faith

Why Jude’s own Alvin left wasn’t important at this point, not when he was seeing the end result of it: a pained and frayed soul whose edges he couldn’t fix.

His thoughts were muddled and emotions he had tried to keep down had bubbled uncomfortably into the surface.  Such terrible feelings... anger and mistrust over that person.  And even doubting his own actions.  He was in no position to speak any further with the brunet.

So in the end, it went back to that one thought.  Alvin didn’t trust him.  Not to fight, nor with the truth.  How frustrating...  It was just so frustrating to go in circles with all of this.

Jude raised a clenched fist and pressed it against his forehead as he closed his eyes in a futile attempt to hide away his face.

It was as though he was having his love and resolve tested by the unknown and unbelievable. And the only thing that he could do was answer and prove his truth.

“Then can you think of a reason why?  Anything.  What is out there that can make it so that you had no other choice but to throw me away?” he promptly asked in a stern and calm fashion.

Yet he knew he had to brace himself for what may come.  The answer might be there... or maybe not.  This present shadow of that person had claimed that Ark Noah could be the case, and that was why Jude ended up here.

And as for his opinion on ‘his’ action…

Sadly, his own hand wasn’t adorned with that important symbol, but he did already have an irreplaceable token on his person, a comfortable weight around his neck. And while he wouldn’t ever want to part from it, he could think of a few circumstances where -he- would willingly hand it over.

Apparently, he couldn’t talk properly for this other him–his other, older self who selfishly chose to tell Jude such words. However, even when informed of such things, the brunet simply couldn’t imagine such words leaving his mouth, nor his taking such an attitude toward his partner.

He also couldn’t just let Jude think what he was thinking, not when he was certain of one thing right now.

“I’m not sure I want to take comfort in being lied to.” he commented with a laugh.

Aside that, that would imply that Alvin had thought it would be better to give the choice to him instead of taking responsibility for it himself.  He thought it would be easier for Jude to throw it away...

Funny how the thoughts he had already gone through was returning to haunt him.

“…I will.”

He would be a fool to do anything less than spend as much of his lifetime with his love and prove how important he was to him. But there was at least one thing he found he could say–quickly realizing something from the few facts that were right in his face and remembering something that happened recently–one thing he thought mattered and had gone unspoken.

“... The owner of the partner of this ring asked me to throw it away, or do as I wished with it.” he said to him in that calm demeanor even as he pulled the ring off and held it gingerly on an open palm, “And I was asked by someone to keep it because she believed I needed it.”

And thus he did as he was asked.  He wore it, did as he wished, and used it as a reminder of what he needed to do, who he needed to seek out, and remember the feelings and the words he could not express when he helplessly watched the older image of this very man walk out of his life.

“I also have- well... had the other.  He left it with me and I gave it to someone for safe keeping.” again, he chuckled, “Just in case I gave in to a moment of weakness and were tempted to throw it away.  So unfortunately.... you have it wrong.”

He then pulled away from the brunet’s reach as he took a step back and placed the ring into his jacket’s pocket.

“But… aren’t you–“ he started to say after a long moment of stunned and dreadful silence only to fall silent again as he struggled to speak, his gaze going briefly to the younger male’s hand.

Given the wedding band that was adorning his finger, there was no way that they didn’t marry. If they’d gotten married, just what happened for Jude–whose tortured looks he could finally, finally understand–to be here looking for him?

Where was he?

“... I don’t know.” Jude responded.

The last he saw of Alvin was his back as he walked out the door... Nowhere else.  He then glanced at the ring on his hand, one that seemed to catch his current companion’s attention, and let out a quiet sigh.

“... You should go back to him.  Stay by his side.” he repeated his previous words, “The more you linger here... the shorter your time will be.”

Could he see Jude, especially one who bore that item on is person and gave Alvin such a painful glance marry anyone else? No, no, he couldn’t, in all honesty. If he was anything like his Jude…

…If he… was anything like his…

“…”

“... It looks like you have an answer.” Jude finally spoke out to him in quiet voice.

After all, aside the few disagreements that had occurred between his love and he and caused their temporary separation, the merchant did stay by his side and had taken the necessary steps to ensure that Jude himself would stay by his. Neither of his major decisions–to enter a relationship with the youth and to ask his hand in marriage–were things he would go back on.

So, to hear such a curt and pointed response shocked him something terrible since he couldn’t imagine letting his partner go after the month of imposed separation when all it did was reinforce his longing and desire to have Jude hold a permanent position in his life.

“Letting me do anything would imply that he was around to begin with...” Jude replied in a much quieter tone.

Ah... He could already feel his chest clench uncomfortably as seeing this man and hearing his words roused such terrible emotions.  And from how it sounds, denying Alvin the answers he sought after any further would not convince him to stop.  However, was it really wise to let him know? To let this person be aware of something he wasn't meant to understand.  Not now anyway....

Jude closed his eyes and drew a trembling breath.  If Alvin wanted to know... If he told him the truth... Could there really be a chance to change /everything/?

“Whether I am the Alvin you knew or not,” he returned with a frown, even though it most likely had been the case in his opinion given that one precious belonging of sensei’s, “it would be of use to me because I refuse to let anyone else have my Jude or cause him the obvious loneliness yours has inflicted on you by his absence.”

While it’s true those words had been said long ago and Alvin hadn’t actively attempted to locate the younger male, it wasn’t as though he’d forgotten how this Dr. Mathis had reacted to him–or rather the mistaken presence of him–during the cave-in. The emotions that had accompanied the few, but significant, statements had bothered him, especially as he had the time to think about it all and come to a tentative, if disturbing, hypothesis.

Of all the things for Alvin to bring up, it had to be that already.  How was Jude to respond to it of all questions?  How did this person expect him to?  Actually... if the brunet was standing here, doesn’t he already know the answer to it?

“... If...” he started with some hesitance.

He was aware of how he had to answer this carefully.  There was so much at risk... so much he could still lose forever.  And telling this person everything won’t reassure that the end results would change.

As far as Alvin was concerned, he wasn’t going to give sensei any opportunities to escape when it had been a fair number of months since he’d last stumbled upon the wandering researcher. It wasn’t as though he normally thought about or went looking for the younger man, not when the other’s presence in their plane of existance was making him really wary and concerned, so this was the perfect time to interrogate him on some of the issues that had bothered him.

Looking at him, it was obvious that the darker-haired male had recovered from his own wounds and suffered no long-lasting injuries. However, his physical appearance didn’t bring forth any answers regarding the topics Alvin could remember dwelling about after his rescue.

Though, when it came down to it, he wasn’t too sure how to inquire about them.

His then turned his attention back to the brunet and smiled calmly.

*doesn’t know if he should doubt the sincerity of that apology and as for thanking the younger male, well…* “I won’t deny that I owe you my thanks for getting me back to Jude, but…”

“…I still think we need to have a talk.” *not letting go of Mathis-sensei*

*on the spot, isn’t so ready to deal with that sort of reaction from sensei, but he still rolls with it*

“Oh... Sorry.”

“But... are the details on how I got us out really that important?  You got back to him safely, didn’t you?  Shouldn’t that suffice?”

“Oh…well… thank you.” *that… was surprisingly easy to get*