scar: yeah, i guess. i just feel really fucked most of the time.
scar: no, apparently a life of substance and sexual abuse can lead to infertility in a percentage of women and i'm in that percentage. it'll basically take an act of whatever god cares enough for me to get pregnant.
scar: i know. i know and i know how it is in the system and i know that there are kids like me out there and i've thought about it...but i just can't help but feel like the universe did this because i would be a shit mother
mathias: i think that's just... something that is stemmed in us, you know? from daniela and antonio. but you're so strong, scarlett. you can do /anything/.
mathias: a shit mother would never be something that i think when it comes to you. i think you could be an amazing mother. i wish you could see yourself and love yourself the way i love and see you.
mathias: it's always been you taking care of us, and that's how i know you'll be an amazing mom when that time comes.
mathias: there's no rush though, you know? there's a lot to work on before that.
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Ah, you know. It wasnāt the worst. Itās almost over at least and I havenāt crashed yet, so Iād call that a success. I hope your day was a good one.
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Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā FOR MY CHILDREN, LOVE ME
Words have never been my eloquence no matter how many times people will say otherwise. I simply allow words to flow, such in a way that I allow my art to flow from my heart. And next to your dad, you both are my heart.
Iāve always dreamed of being a dad for as long as I could remember, but the realistic promises of being a good dad was never in my favor. I didnāt have an ideal father figure growing up. I was adopted when I was 3, and as you both are now old enough to know, we donāt speak of your grandparents. But I told myself every day that if I was lucky enough to be a dad, I would take every mistake I witnessed and use it to my advantage of being better.Ā
My promise was to always ensure that you follow your dreams, whether that be a dancer, a doctor, an artist or even a circus clown. Itās the support that I lacked, that drove me far away and into depths that I was stuck in. Weāve always been real and honest with you, your father and I want you to be aware of the world that surrounds us all.Ā
Iām sorry for my anxiety that may squeeze you too tight sometimes. Itās not that Iām trying to suffocate you or make you feel less of the adults that youāre growing to be. I simply just canāt seem to grasp the concept of you growing up. The fears of my own childhood linger in ways that I never anticipated them too and I think thatās why drives me to truly baby both of you and for that I apologize.
Gwendolyn, I know youāre older now and you donāt need your Papa looming over you. I know youāre at the age where youāll fall in love. (Please just tell him, hija. I spent so many years scared of my own feelings that I almost missed out on your dad). You are such an old soul and you carry yourself with such grace and power I almost forget that youāre only eighteen. I promise to loosen my hold on you and let you explore life more. Itāll take time, but please have patience with me, thatās all I ask.Ā
Lorelei, you are the type of child I wish I could have been. How smart you are consistently makes me sit in awe that you are my daughter. Iāve always wondered if this is what my father would have felt if I was the idealistic son. However, I donāt have an image of an idealistic daughter. You are all that any father could want and be proud of. My only concern is that you are not allowing yourself the freedom to have. You spend such time worrying about friends and your sister, making sure they are taking care of themselves. Please, hija, please enjoy your life. Take care of you, and reach for every possibility you can.Ā
My intentions with you have always been the best, and may not be perfect in practice. But I am sure of one thing. Your dad and I love you both, and we want you all to achieve everything in life you could ever want.Ā
I will do better as your father, but most importantly I will love you for eternity. You have proven me to be a man that Iāve always wanted to be.
Thatās actually a really nice way to look at it. I may take you up on that offer. I just I donāt know. I feel Iām probably too much pressure on myself than I need to be but yeah.
I want to apologize if I was a super hot mess. Iām pretty sure Iām still recovering from a hangover. Who knew you could get this drunk? Or that drunk? Iām still not sure.
šØ
The many years of the theatre taught me that, and itās something I hope to carry on to those I help in theatre or eventually my own kids when that time comes. Definitely donāt put any pressure on yourself, itās supposed to be a really fun bonding experience.
No worries. I think everyone was very much a hot mess last night. My brother and his girlfriend thought consistently throughout the night that their got abducted by aliens when they lost each other. As long as you had fun thatās what matters. Getting that drunk is definitely a lot easier than people think.
Oh wow, yeah, I didnāt even think of that.Ā Thatās definitely something really special. Well at least when Iām old and on my deathbed, I can take comfort in that fact.Ā Ā
šØ
Ah, well you know. I canāt tell if youāre being sarcastic or not but I think itās certainly special and Iām excited about it regardless.Ā
Iām glad youāre excited.Ā Iām excited for it too honestly.Ā It makes so much sense when you put it like that.Ā Angel definitely has anĀ āitā factor; presence and confidence dripping from the character.Ā Unabashedly true to who he was.Ā I can see the parallels.Ā My only hope is people fall in love my portrayal of the character the way Angel deserves.Ā But if not, fuck them, they didnāt deserve an Angel in their life.
šØ
There is no doubt in my mind that those who witness you in action wonāt hesitate to fall in love with Angel as if they were seeing it for the first time. The best time is though, some people it will be the first time and youāll be the Angel that sets the mold. It is truly going to be the most amazing experience for you and I canāt wait to watch you shine in all your glory and then rip everyoneās heart out towards the end.
ISSY: is it true that you gave jason a promise ring, because if is, we have to celebrate with sparkling cider and we should probably celebrate eli and max, finally getting together.
MATHIAS: i did give jason a promise ring, yes.
MATHIAS: is that something you celebrate? i think we can celebrate maxine and elijah more!
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SKY: i'm at the community center, i walked here from one of my employee's houses and kinda got told that i needed to message someone to come and get me.
MATHIAS: you bet. i'll be there in a jiffy and we'll get you back to mine and lottie's place.
MATHIAS: did you want to just stay there or did you have another place you needed me to take you?
