Words by Mary Lou

I am obsessed with the Steller's Jay, I admit it. They are loud, aggressive, and most of all beautiful, and have become familiar with us in the six months we have lived in the Pacific Northwest. 

I watched them in the summer fly between the trees of our yard, the neighbors yard, and the trees across the street, in the long floating swoops that make them glide. Their beautiful plumage in that bright blue tone always stood out within the thousand shades of green that I saw. Now in the cold temperatures of late fall, they reflect against the white background of the snow. 

I have been able to take hundreds of pictures of these birds and many others that live near here. I would share them, and they would be great, if my camera was better and I learned how to properly use it, as my list of goals grows daily.

Of particular mention is the shot of the dog in the back seat of the car, seemingly looking out the window at the cow as we drive by. I know for a fact that this dog has no interest in any cows, horses, goats or pigs that live near whichever route we take, so if you can’t see her eyes looking at the cow then she probably isn’t. Does she know it’s a cow? When we lived near the dairy farms we would often drive those roads and see hundreds of cows on many farms. We would always tell her to look at the cows, and make mooing noises as if she were a child. And then there is the smell, that’s a dead giveaway. But I am pretty certain she doesn’t know. Can she even see the cow? That is another question for another day. 

The shed was on the back side of the property, it sat in an area filled with overgrown weeds up against the hard dirt wall that was anchor for the trees. It had been covered in an old green tarp that barely fit; it seemed as if someone had tried to make it blend in with the surrounding area. On one side in the long grass and weeds was an abandoned riding mower and the back half of an old truck probably used as a trailer at one time. Ironically, on the other side by what looked like the entry was a beautiful hydrangea bush in full bloom. 

Every day, at least once a day for various reasons, I think how much better off I would be if I was able to practice silence. Ah, the points I could make by using nonverbal gestures, everyday signals, common movements, just not saying a word.  Do you know how hard it is to not talk?

Some days, it's because someone has disagreed with me in a way that makes me feel like I'm not very smart, like I don't know what I am talking about. Usually it's something I feel strongly about and feel certain I am correct on my point, and someone will pick up a laptop, google the subject, and prove me wrong. Anything on the internet is true, right? And then I feel about an inch tall, maybe experience tiny flairs of anger and embarrassment, and I feel, internally, some sort of action is called for. So I imagine how the person I am in conversation with would feel if I hadn't made my point; what if I had just nodded? How can you be proven wrong if you don’t say anything at all?

I can picture my husband asking me, “What’s wrong?” and “Are you okay?” after I have not said a word in two hours. I can picture the concern in his eyes and hear his serious tone of voice. I live for those moments. But on the other hand, that could backfire. I really have to remember how annoyed I get when he asks me, “What are you all mad about?”  That question has been known to infuriate me when asked at the wrong moment. It kind of takes away from the regal silence you are trying to promote when your face gets red and you start hissing and spitting, because you are not mad at all, only being thoughtful by not bothering anyone with your thoughts and opinions.

Sometimes I hear myself talk, or think back on some conversations I was involved in, and wonder if I sound like I am complaining. I have a great concern that people around me think I am unhappy and critical all the time. Are my comments being misunderstood? I cringe when I think of people I have met in the past that always seemed to be complaining. There is no making them happy, and I don’t want to be that person that everyone avoids because I don’t have anything positive to say. I need to remember that can’t happen to me if I am not talking at all.

I picture myself shaking my head slowly and calmly when I need to respond negatively. Or a brisk nod when in agreement, and either movement accompanied by raised eyebrows or a chin thrust forward depending on the situation. A wink or a wave works on occasion. And of course sticking out your tongue can help to raise the importance of any facial gesture. You would think so many hours of practicing these moves would make them second nature, right? Why are these actions so hard to do without opening your mouth and words spilling out?

I remember when I was about 10 years old, my oldest sister and her boyfriend promised to pay me $5 if I could keep silent for one hour. Why would anyone do that? It must have been a problem in those days.  And it seems easy, huh? I know I got the money but I am sure I must have cheated. I recall at the end of the hour standing on the front porch yelling useless nonsense, to promote the ‘I haven’t spoken a word in an hour’ image.

Recently I spent time with my two sisters, and a few days later with my brother. I can remember thinking both times, in the car on the way to see my family, how beneficial it would be to be more of a listener this time, not a sharer. Really, really important to sit quietly while catching up with the others.  Everyone has so much to talk about no one will notice if I am just smiling and nodding, what could be easier? But it did not happen that way. My good intentions were for naught. Unable to not not talk on that occasion.