inz

yea bro idk what’s going on or what’s happened recently thats made everything seem so much worse but im genuinely so tired and exhausted and the feeling of emptiness(?) like just being a shell of a human being keeps getting more and more prominent, over the past couple of months and I think I really feel it now. Even when I do go out or do things. for example yesterday I walked around Bond Street and TCR for 2 hours alone after my DSA appt in that area and I think I was ok, just walking in and out of places and looking around, kinda just having my own conversations. but as soon as I got home I felt nothing I was just tired bruh no sense of accomplishment after having time to myself and walking around after ages, no tiredness from the walk, no thinking about my appt at all. I just went to bed and did nothing and then had dinner and then again did nothing. but I don’t think yesterdat was bad, I do remember i woke up really drowsy before I ate so I did have a nap. Which I’ve been having a lot more of lately, not everyday but because I sleep from 4-6am now I do have naps every few days after uni or just randomly in the evening. And then at dinner i didnt really feel particularly irritated at anyone or anything negative, i just ate and went back to my room.

And then today I was in bed until 10 then sat with my baby cousins until 11 and then went out to see 🐸. I will say this morning was a bit iffy. It felt like a Tuesday morning where I hear my alarm go off for ages but I don’t want to move at all. So from 9:30-10ish iwas just lying there doing nothing. I think I probably went bacj to sleep for 10 mins too which lowk is bad because I set my alarms at the last possible time for me to get up so I have to. Because when I set my alarms too early I just never get up and I haven’t really found a good middle ground between them, I only like acting at the quarter/half times and very rarely the :_0 minute times but yea nothing works so far. But yea because of that i had to tell 🐸 I couldn’t go with her to her appt (I said I would yesterday bc she said her migraines were bad and she didn’t want to travel alone whilst that was happening) but I would meet her after. I guess that did give me extra time but I did feel very shitty. But yea straight after I was done with 🐸 after we ate I had to rush home and then to the dentist and I got to my appt late 😓and then as soon as I got home I crashed brooo omg I lay in bed doing nothing for hald an hour and then slept for nearly an hour and now I’m doing nothing again.

These two days tho I am glad that I at least went outside. I haven’t really left the house at all except to go to uni for the past couple of weeks. And it’s always the same empty feeling and im not talking to anyone or seeing anyone or doing anything with anyone except playing online at night and idk. During the daytime when I’m by myself, which is quite a lot to be fair, it’s always the same heavy empty feeling and I hate it so much bro.

Maybe it’s some sorta exhaustion? Idk. I barely see my friends, pretty much the only thing I’ve been doing recently is all these applications. DSA application and meeting, disability advisor meeting, tutor meeting, diagnoses shit, all that stuff ive been doing on my own. and with uni im so behind I might as well give up bro if I didn’t have immigrant parents who think uni is THE place I feel like I would’ve given up and dropped out by now. I have 3 months to catch up on now and I’ve barely made a dent and it’s pmo so much. Ive deferred all my assignments bar a group poster and mcq and whenever ppl ask how my assignments are going it’s genuinely the most embarrassing thing in the world. Because they’re not ??v? I mean I just say Theyre good wnd I have to hope they don’t ask anything more. I deleted any addictive apps I have because I looked at my screen time and it’s like, 4-5 hours a day, even reaching 9 hours on weekends or days I can’t sleep. For months too. And it didn’t really benefit me positively in a mental nor physical sense. So I deleted that this morning and I genuinely been fighting for my life not to re-download because everything feels so much more boring and dull and I feel like I’m going crazy brooo. Not from this app thing but just trying to explain it all makes me feel like I’m going insane bru.

but yea. just too much feeling empty and purposeless. not suicidal or anything either, just nothing. I don’t think it’s any apathy or some shi I am still emotional perhaps a little more than i used to be. But yea. Also I haven’t signed up to any new counselling but maybe I should. Idk I haven’t contemplated it yet i have other stuff to think about thats probably higher priority.

But the thing is I don’t think I’m completely deprived of interaction at all. My cousins come to mine 3 days a week, I do see 🐸 every couple of weeks now, I do go outside and I do still message ppl even if it’s not a lot of the time. And I do feel ok in the moment but even as soon as it’s ended it just feels like straight emptiness again. Idk what it is. To be honest it is a little bit scary also to think about sometimes. I realise sometimes I can feel the same at my grandma’s house now or when I go out by myself I don’t really know what my thougjt process will be like in the moment bht I just have to kinda deal with it. And at uni I barely talk to anyone or go to half my lectures and skip seminars because my friends dont go and I really reeallly hate when they do that because first off i have to sit with randoms but I think I’m slowly getting used to my tutor group. And second they ask what happened and bro im never mentally present during those things so idk bruh. But whenever I skip with them they know how to catch up wnd how to effectively and quickly make notes and I don’t 😓 im so so behind bro. But yea it’s kinda scaru to see that all of this has an effect on me outside of my house.

I also feel my maladaptive daydreaming has gotten so much worser and I think thats to do with the fsct i do a lot of things solo. If I go a night without the same repetitive one that ive been having for YEARS, unless I’m so tired I pass out, I genuinely can’t sleep everything feels so irritable and my thoughts are so loud. Side note when I say my thoughts are loud I don’t always mean like. Speaking. Sometimes Theyre really random. Like it’s silent but all I can hear is really loud staticy white noise, that kinda sound. Sometimes a lorry horn too, one of those loud long ones. Yea idk. But anyway. Yea that, and even in the streets when I’m walking alone or working at uni and not talking to anyone it’s not even that im trying it’s just that these figures are naturally there in the background snd again I feel like I sound like a psycho very sorry.

I don’t rven do anything about the fsct that im so behind on uni bru i go home and I go straight to bed. And im so TIRED as if I even did anything the whole day. And I just feel like there’s no point because it’s just gonna keep piling and there’s a little to no chance I’ll ever catch up so eh.

Also. Dumb stupid job search and job market aren’t helping anything. My parents are constantly pushing and complaining that I don’t have a job as if I’m not applying to everything bro, even when idek what the job name even means I just apply. And literally NO ONEEE accepts. Or even looks at the application as a matter of fact. But idc my parents aren’t the thing stressing me out the most in this context, it’s that i genuinely NEEED money. My impulse spending is disgustingly humiliatingly horrible and I need money for a new phone bc mine’s bugging out and I need it for uni and all these applications and appointments im having. Not just a phone but I need to put £200 towards my DSA laptop, I need to pay for a dental hygienist appointment because thats been pretty shit given my mental health and I don’t wanna hear ANYONe say anything about that because it’s not like I go days without. Not that bad. But yea I don’t want my braces to be taken off early so I need that. But yea everything about that is pmo so much i mentally crash a lot just thinking about it. Lot of stress. Cant rven explain it to anyone properly either.