NUCLEAR DETERRENT.

It would be so easy to just take his last statement and run with it. They could sweep everything under the rug and move forward just like he said; ignore the reality of what they were about to embark on. Brittany was getting everything that she wanted. She got Sam and she got to keep her job so why did she feel like curling up into the fetal position on his couch and crying her eyes out?

Last night she had been so pissed off at Sam and now? She wasn’t anymore. She was pissed off at herself. All she had to say to Sam was that she wanted to quit and needed help and he wouldn’t have batted an eye. She wasn’t going to do that though. Anyone else would have thought her crazy. She could end this right now. Brittany could fix this, but like she’d told Sam the other night she needed to get herself out of this. Maybe it was because she’d failed at so much already that she needed to succeed at something on her own.

Brittany tried to smile back at him, but she couldn’t do it. Things already felt weird and she wondered if this new awkwardness was going to be a blip on the radar for them or if it was the new normal. All she could think about was how much of a fuck up she was. She’d fucked up everything and while she probably should have said a quick goodbye or excused herself to his bathroom to cry she just sat there and let the tears slip down her cheeks. As the first few fell she tried to choke them back or wipe them away, but all of her efforts were futile. “I’m sorry.” The tears came faster and she buried her face in her hands, leaning forward and resting her elbows on her knees. She was sorry she was doing this to him. She was sorry that she was crying.

The last thing she wanted was to make him feel worse and she knew that this was going to do it. It just made Brittany even madder at herself, but the angrier she was the faster the tears seemed to come. Fuck you, eyeballs.

“I’m sorry.” She looked over at Sam for a moment and just shook her head. “I’m so sorry.”

This was completely unfair. He was the one sacrificing here. He felt as though he no longer had his pride or even respect for himself. What self-respecting man would let women continuously choose other things over him? Especially choosing a job in which she has sex with many, many other men. Who would choose to be with a woman like that? Sam. He would because he knew that there was another side of Brittany that had nothing to do with that job. 

So that’s why it was unfair. To see her sitting in front of him, in his home, in tears because of a decision she was making. He was the one that was hurt. He was the one putting himself and his feelings aside in order to accommodate her and her bad decisions. He could see her lips moving but his ears didn’t register any volume. All he could focus on were the tears streaming down her face.

And in that moment - for a fleeting moment - he hated her. It was a new feeling. To look at Brittany and feel hate. And he didn’t like it. 

She had demons. Everybody had demons. Hell, Sam was barely a shell of a man when he met her. But these were her decisions. She was choosing sex with other men - prostitution, basically - over him. 

So how come he couldn’t kick her out. The hatred inside of him for her wanted to throw her out. To choose himself and tell her to never come back. But that wasn’t him. That wasn’t how he truly felt about her. No, he loved her. Stupid? Yes. But he did. 

He closed his eyes and took a few deep breaths. You love her. You love her. You love her. 

For his sake, not hers - never hers, Sam took a step forward and kneeled in front of her and wiped the tears from her eyes. 

“I’m making this choice. I’m choosing you. So stop it.” 

Brittany blew out a breath, letting her shoulders sag and betraying all of her years of dance training with her bad posture. “I’m selfish.” It wasn’t an answer to his question, but it was what came tumbling out of her mouth. “If I were a good person I would let you be. I’d leave and let one of the millions of girls in New York scoop you up.” She wasn’t going to do that though, not if he’d still have her. Sam Evans was one in a billion, which was way better than one in a million and she couldn’t imagine walking away from him.

At his gesture she walked over to his couch and sank down onto it, feeling sort of feeling like she wasn’t allowed to touch him or something. It was strange, because normally she couldn’t keep her hands off of him. “I guess… stuff is the same except now I go back to work. And I feel like it’s better if maybe I don’t talk about my work at all.” She never dreamed that Sam would want to hear about it and she didn’t want to sit there and talk about it with him anyway. If she were smart she’d just quit and let him pay for her until she found a job. Brittany had been hearing her whole life how she wasn’t smart though and this just sort of proved everyone’s point. If they could see her now. “Tell me what you need.” She knew that just opened things up for him to ask her to quit again. “I haven’t been someone’s girlfriend since…” she paused and thought about it for a moment. Brittany had moved to New York right after high school and had become an escort soon after. There’d only been a few dates here and there before she realized that dating just wasn’t in the cards for her. “Since high school. I’m doing kind of a bad job so far.” She looked down at her hands in her lap. Yep, she was definitely selfish. Why Sam wasn’t running for the hills she wasn’t exactly sure.

His eyes followed Brittany’s feet as she walked to the couch and sat down. It hurt him to hear her call herself selfish but part of him agreed. It was obvious that he couldn’t end this himself so why couldn’t she? She was the one choosing to continue working where she did. She was the one choosing to not let him help with rent until she found a better job. She was the one who was so charming that he fell head over heels. So why couldn’t she be the one let him go? To tell him that this just wasn’t going to work and turn around and walk out of his apartment to never come back.

But Sam knew that wasn’t what he wanted. He could pretend all he want but he needed Brittany in his life. Now that he’d had her, he couldn’t go back. No one could compare to her. “I don’t know,” he said softly, still not bringing himself to look at her face. “I don’t know what I need, Brittany, because all I want is you.” It was the truth but it sucked. He stood for a few moments in silence before finally lifting his gaze. Her blue eyes melted his heart almost immediately. Slowly, Sam walked over to the couch and sat on the other end. “I guess I’ll just have to get used to it. We won’t talk about it and… and it’ll be like it’s not happening.”

“Hi,” she repeated in the same soft tone of voice that he had used with her. She watched his every move and it felt like he was moving in slow motion. They were both on some sort of autopilot and she followed him into his place. It had started to feel like her second home but right now she felt sort of out of place. Brittany waited for Sam to say something, but he didn’t, aside from handing over her purse. She reached out and took it, but couldn’t just leave it at that. Sure, she was upset about the night before but he had apologized… maybe he hadn’t meant it.

“Is… is that it?” she asked, standing there and clutching her bag in her hands. Brittany wasn’t sure what she expected him to say, but she figured he was going to say something. “I don’t want this to be it,” she confessed, biting down on her lower lip and shrugging her shoulders. For a minute she wasn’t sure what else to say because it felt like they were at an impasse or something. Before she knew it though she was talking and she couldn’t stop.

“You’re different than anyone I’ve ever met,” she blurted out. “You make me hate my job and you… every single time I’m around you I get these butterflies.” Her hand instinctively went to her stomach. “And I think about you all the time and I smile a lot and they aren’t fake smiles. They’re real ones.” She took a step towards him, hoping that this wouldn’t end in rejection. “I want to be with you. I want to be a girlfriend that you can be proud of.” Brittany ignored the way her voice sort of cracked when she said the last part. “I couldn’t lie to you about this. I could never hurt you like that. I mean, I know I’m hurting you with this now but… with lying. I could never lie to you.”

Every single word that passed through those perfect lips felt like a punch in the gut. He fucked up. It was that simple. He felt the same way she did and it hurt. It hurt so much to come in second. Again. Why couldn’t she see that? He didn’t move when she stepped toward him. He stood his ground and simply looked at her, into those big, beautiful eyes of hers, and tried not to break when her voice cracked. Why did she have to be so stubborn? This would be so much easier if she would just let him help her.

It wasn’t until he tried to reply that he realized he’d been clenching his jaw. It ached as he opened his mouth.

“I just- I don’t think you understand how difficult this is for me. You’re one of the best things that’s ever happened to me in my entire life and now-“ he shook his head. Anything he said after this would sound whiny and pathetic. He cleared his throat in an attempt to keep any tears from coming to his eyes. “I can’t keep coming second to people. With Rachel, it was to my best friend. With you, it’s your job. I- I know it’s not the exact same thing but, I mean.. it kind of is.”

HIs body was stiff. He’d barely moved a muscle since Brittany had started speaking and, for some reason, he felt as though he couldn’t now.

Since she’d left Sam’s the night before Brittany had spent a lot of her time crying. She cried because of what he said to her and she cried because she wasn’t sure where they stood. She even cried because they were in this position because of her. If she weren’t a prostitute they’d still be in newly dating bliss and not having to worry about any of this. Brittany wanted Sam to understand that she wanted nothing more than to quit and just let him pay for her but she was scared. For years now men paid for her and then cast her aside, night after night. What if Sam got bored? What if they broke up and she was suddenly jobless and out on the street? He had spent the better part of a month proving to her that not all men were the same but she still had this nagging feeling in the back of her mind that just wouldn’t let up. For the first time ever she wanted to get out of her job, but this was something that she had to do on her own.

As soon as she’d finished texting Sam she headed over to his place. Even though she knew that she’d be waiting a while at least it gave her something to do for about 20 minutes. She wasn’t sure where they stood and it freaked her out. The very last thing that she wanted was to lose Sam however, she couldn’t blame him if he decided to break up with her. What she was asking him to do was a lot and pretty crazy. Hey, baby, I’ll see you later! Don’t wait up for me while I fuck other men— it’ll probably be a late night! That was crazy, right?

Forty minutes sitting outside his penthouse door felt like forever and since she didn’t have her purse she didn’t have her coloring book to keep her preoccupied. Instead she sat there and played their last face to face conversation over and over again in her head. The comment about buying her had hurt, but in retrospect she couldn’t blame him for it. The one that had hurt her the most was about him not being proud to show her off as his girlfriend. How had she missed that? Maybe she’d just been too wrapped up in the utter bliss that was being with him nearly every day. Did he even mean it or did he just say it because he was mad? And not that Sam knew it but it made her think of her parents. They weren’t proud of her either and they never had been even when she was winning dance competition after dance competition.

That was the only thought running through his mind the entire night. The second Brittany walked out the door, he regretted every word that passed through his lips. How could he be so stupid? Everything that Brittany was worried about in regards to her job and their relationship had happened in a matter of mere minutes. It happened so quickly. Had it gone slowly, he would have never said half of that.

But he was blindsided. It wasn’t fair. He thought they were just going to have a nice night together, but then everything changed. Why couldn’t she have just kept it to herself? They say ignorance is bliss and he would have blissfully lived in an ignorant state whenever she went to “work.”

Sam honestly thought Brittany would never talk to him again. He had gone back and forth on whether he would text her. One minute he had a whole apology written out. The next, he erased it and shoved his phone in his drawer so he wouldn’t touch it. Then, he had a full explanation of why he was right in everything he said and how this wasn’t fair for him. Then, it was erased. His co-workers were walking around whispering about him. About how he was sulking again and how he was once again the pathetic sap of the office. Madison was the only one treating him like a person but he knew deep down he didn’t deserve it.

When he finally got Brittany’s text, he was disgustingly nervous. His hands were shaking and he was taking his time deciding what to write back. It felt awkward and weird and uncomfortable. It was terrible. He knew he just needed to see her. He finished up his work for the day early, as usual, but instead of staying he left work.

As he turned the corner after getting off the elevator and saw Brittany, his heart stopped. Okay, probably not, but it sure felt that way. “Hi,” he said softly. He took his keys out and opened the door, walking in without saying anything else to her. Sam walked over to where he’d put her purse that morning and picked it up.