isang panaginip

It has been a little over two weeks since I failed to get The Eras Tour tickets in Singapore.

I have been a fan since the debut album. I remember listening to unreleased songs and demos and singing I'd Lie in my head as my high school crush walks by (because the lyrics of that song pretty much describes him).

Taylor last came to the Philippines for her Red tour. I was in college and I couldn't afford tickets then. My parents are not the kind to spend money on things that they deem not important, and concerts are one of those, and I get it because we're not well off.

Now that I am working, I told myself I would go upon learning about the announcement of The Eras Tour. I wished she would add a stop for the Philippines if ever she did an Asia Tour.

When she announced the dates for the international tours, I was heartbroken to learn that Singapore would be her only stop in Southeast Asia.

But I told myself I could still go. I've got a little saved up for concert tickets and maybe I could start saving more after my licensure exams (I took a little break from work to focus on reviewing, and also a bit of my savings have been used for getting the required documents needed to apply for the examination. I also need to take care of accommodations, transportation and food expenses during the exam.) So I said, I could probably save more after my exams. I just have to secure my tickets. I thought going to the concert would be a reward for me for working so hard on reviewing for my exams.

The day has come for the preregistration. I was there on the dot. I successfully preregistered. But I was on waitlist for the code. I waited and waited but to no avail. The sale started and ended, and I was left there defeated. I comforted myself with the release of Speak Now TV. Speak Now was my favorite album because it holds so much memory for me. But I restrained myself from listening to the stolen versions because I am devoted. When Speak Now TV came out, I was ecstatic and was just crying, bailing my eyes out.

Around two weeks have now passed. Yes, I'm still sad about not being able to go to her concert. I tried looking for people selling their tickets, but most look like scams and some are literally scalpers.

I am part of this group of Swifties that are helping each other out about strategies of securing tickets, hotels, airfare, etc to Singapore. Lately they are sharing about their expected expenses for the concert. Some get to Php 80,000 and up to Php 300,000 for just 2 people. Airlines and hotels have doubled/tripled the prices around The Eras Tour dates. I did expect them to be more expensive but not THAT expensive.

I am still sad that I won't get to watch Taylor Swift perform. I had grown up along with her. I learned a quarter of what I know about love and life and self-discovery from her.

But with people sharing their expected expenses, I'm kind of glad. I love Taylor Swift of course, but with my current financial situation, I am not comfortable spending most of my life savings on going to one concert. I know that it isn't my priority right now.

Can you believe that Christmas is coming in a few weeks?

We were making preparations at church today for the Sunday services tomorrow. I was scheduled to lead the praise and worship in our outreach.

I also met with our scholars for a mentoring session. Since it was our first meeting, I shared my personal testimony. We had about an hour of talk before I went back to volunteering. I helped with the kids ministry because I like doing arts and crafts as well. My fellow volunteers are also decorating the church with Christmas stuff.

I was also organizing the Christmas party for my mom's Victory group. Games prepared, songs prepared, prizes prepared.

Afterwards, I went to buy some pastry boxes because mom is asking me to bake some banana muffins.

Content warning: This post contains topics involving mental health and sexual assault.

It’s never too late to start anew this year. I guess?

It's kind of weird that this seemed like a short year yet a lot of things happened. It was a year of fruitfulness, kind of.

I got my first job as an online data entry contributor and researcher. It was a remote job, and I am good at it. However, i felt like I wanted to try having a job in government research or the food industry. Of course I applied for jobs. I had multiple interviews. I never really got rejection letters but having no updates on the application just meant they didn't push through with me.

I really wish they still sent out letters to all who applied, and for people like me who has been through multiple screenings, I wish they had an honest feedback about my application and credentials.

I did become a Project Assistant for a technology business incubator at a state university in March. These kinds of jobs are on a contract basis and we were not exactly employees of the university. I had the job for around 3 months. I didn't renew my contract. I felt my mental health declining before I decided to hand in my resignation. I don't think it was really a resignation since my contract was up anyway.

I went back home and kept my data entry job. I was being paid a bit higher here anyways and when I'm at home, I wouldn't have to worry about rent, food, and transportation.

My work schedule is also a flexible, so I can do some extra work when I still have extra time during the week.

At the end of July, I joined the 13th National Youth Parliament. I was one of the delegates from our city, as being the Secretary General of the first youth parliament. I made new friends whom I still keep in touch with until now.

In August, just a few days after the NYP, I also participated in the ASEAN Youth Forum's SEAYouth Festival 2022. It was a fun learning experience and it was just amazing hearing from different youth leaders across ASEAN. I was also surprised when I was awarded Best Delegate from the Philippines for my participation, granted I wasn't able to join through speaking since I was also volunteering then, but I did type in my suggestions and proposals in chat and through email. It was a really awesome experience and it's just inspiring how these different voices from different nations are coming together for the betterment of the ASEAN Youth.

I have been working productively on my job, but I was still having doubts about my abilities. I also felt like I am not doing enough when my peers are going on 5-year work anniversaries or going abroad for graduate studies and such.

I have been volunteering at church more. I found a sense of belongingness there. They know what I have been through, my depression and anxiety, how I had to go to counseling and drink my meds. Some of them know how I was sexually assaulted by someone I used to trust when I was in college.

And yet, despite these, I didn't hear any judgment from them. They helped me recover. They made me feel welcome and warm and fuzzy. They celebrate with me even in small wins. They cry with me when appropriate.

I have been active in the music ministry again. I even shared my story to the youth leaders in a university last November. Oh, right! I also turned 26 last November.

Among other things, I wished for a lifetime partner on my birthday. I have had feelings for this person and I am still actively praying for him. But I need to guard my heart, more so now that I hear he's also ready to pursue someone. It's just, I know I should have said something then, but I didn't wanna sound needy or too upfront.

I am still gonna pray for a beautiful love story. One that I won't be afraid to show the world. One that I can write over and over and still not get tired after a million years.

But I do hope it's you. I pray to God that it would be you.

It's the last month of the year. A while ago, I went to the Worship Night at church. I led the worship. I led a prayer for the campus ministry. Oh, right, I am going to lead the group for our scholars at Real Life and I am excited to be meeting them this weekend again for our first official mentoring session. I was thinking of sharing my college testimony as well.

Anyway, tonight we just decided to go have dinner at McDonald's rather than go home earlier. After the meal, we played a bunch of mobile table top games, ending it with the classic Chain Reaction game. I didn't win, but it was fun. We shared a tricycle home, and it took us around 30 minutes to actually go home since we lived in different parts of the city but we had to ask the driver to start with the person who lived the farthest from the city proper.

It was a lot of fun, even though it took some time away from what was supposed to be my work time. But it's fine. I still have the rest of the weekend to do the work.

It's getting late. I'm sure by this time, you're probably sleeping peacefully. You have an early morning tomorrow.