prepare your butthole

I’m exhausted right now, so I don’t have much to say on this point.  Honestly, I can’t believe that I am even still having to say anything about this topic, at all, at this point in the game, but since this John hatred, and this idea that Sherlock is being abused by him seems to be going around again, I just want to make something amply clear…

Season 3 and the upcoming Special are from Sherlock’s point of view.  Just as there were 4 canon stories from Sherlock’s point of view, there are 4 BBC Sherlock episodes from Sherlock’s point of view.  The fact that the softer John from Season 1 & 2 seems to have disappeared only to be replaced by a much angrier John in Season 3 & ShSpesh is telling you a hell of a lot more about Sherlock than it is about John.  It is John the way Sherlock experiences him since he came back from the dead, we are seeing.  This harsher John is Sherlock’s internal reaction to and confusion over John’s justifiable anger when he came back from the dead.  This John is mostly a construct of Sherlock’s own mind, born of his own confusion and insecurities.

The reason the suave, uber competent, super serious Sherlock of Series 1&2 has been replaced by a seemingly more vulnerable, unsure, and at times almost childlike Sherlock, is, again, telling you a lot about how Sherlock sees himself.  He is struggling with his love for John, the fact that he realises that he has fucked up, and still isn’t quite sure how, or why, or how to fix it, the fact that he’s realised everything important too late, and he’s losing the only thing that really matters most to him, and there’s nothing he can to do but get angry at himself, and then stand back and watch John walk away, because he loves him and he wants him, above all things, to be happy.  He doesn’t feel that he can make him happy.  This is insecurity on Sherlock’s part, born, probably, of years of rejection and mistreatment by peers and acquaintances in his past, as well as general struggles with processing and understanding social cues, and the fact that he doesn’t have much experience with best friends, let alone lovers.

‘Season 1&2 Soft John’ (which really tells us a lot more about how John sees himself than is does about who he really is), still exists to a certain extent.  But he’s had to watch a man he loved, jump to his death in front of him, and then grieve him for over two years, all that time thinking that the reason Sherlock had killed himself, was because John had, in some way, failed to protect him, failed to keep him safe.  Then he’s finally forced himself to move on because his therapist insists it’s what’s best and necessary (you can see this in John’s blog), only to have Sherlock show up out of the blue, and act like the whole thing is a joke.  John doesn’t just kiss Sherlock and boot Mary to the curb because, a) he’s hurting, and deep down probably still isn’t sure if he can trust Sherlock, b) is now convinced he means nothing to Sherlock, because how could someone love you, and do something like that, and c) because he is obviously at least fond of Mary, and Mary’s a bit of a force.  I honestly think he feels a little ‘swept along’, and just lets himself be led, let’s Mary and Sherlock take over everything, because he’s still reeling.

I could also write whole essays on Sherlock’s desire/need for praise and guidance from John, which is very closely linked to his own intense, inner doubt and self-flagellation, and/or John’s contrasting desires to have a commander, and to command, and how all of this ties into their very complex, but very consensual power dynamic, but that would take an essay, and I’ve neither the time or energy for that right now.

In short, the real John and the real Sherlock are combinations of the characterisations we saw in Seasons 1&2, and now in Season 3 & ShSpesh.  Neither of them are reliable narrators.  Both of them are broken, imperfect men.  Both of them love and respect one another, at their core.  Both of them have some responsibility in why they haven’t come together yet, why they are still struggling, not saying the things that matter, walking circles around one another without ever truly connecting.  And both of them are going to have to work together to move past that.

so, yep, here it is

You have to fight for what’s in your heart.

i kinda wanna draw mass effect again too but at the same time it’s like i fuckin forgot how

i suddenly woke up in the middle of the night and had the urge to draw something. And eat dry cereal.

 Lady!Pavus for the night.