Unspoken Thoughts

Well, hello guys. How's life? Mine is pretty messed up. Haha it just always like that. But I'm still grateful that I could breathe till this time, otherwise, I would not be able to do this unnecessary post.

You know guys, I really wanna get married soon. I really am. Hahahaa. But the more I look myself in, the more I caught myself in doubt. Could I be married to someone? Could I spent the rest of my life with someone I love? Could I be the good wife, that could make my husband happy and make it to Jannah in our afterlife? Could I be a good mother, that wise enough to raise some children of our own?

The more I thought abt that, the more I get a headache hahaha.

But then I see other people. Some other were just got married, some other had married but separate in many ways, some other still have no married life just like me. And now I'm in doubt and very scare of what I'm gonna do next.

Can I be married but also have a good career in mylife without even underestimate whatever my husband doing in his career? It just really nice if my husband is also a doctor just like me, but when I thought it deeper, we just can't reach our goals together at the same time, otherwise, we wouldn't have a decent life. Who'll be in charge with our children if all we have to do is just work at the hospital?

I don't know why people keep hurting. Or I should say, why most people keep feeling hurt? Really, thats sucks.

You know, when you treat people bad, it would always coming back to you.

The people I like the most, turn to be the people I hate, atleast for this time, and I don't know when would it lasts.

I just need to be hurt-free. I just need to lay down and feeling happy without even hiding my pain so that everyone won't know my tru feelings. I just wanna stop pretending that I am okay. I just want people know that I'm really not okay, and I need people to know that I don't wanna be treated like this.

But again, I just can't say a word. So people keep hurting as much as they can, some of them knows what they do, but most of them just have no idea abt whatever they did, it hurts me.

Hello? You better get the hell out of my sight, just don't try to be nice, cause I know you do have something you need from me, by being nice.

Ha.

Hello, tumblr! Long time no see, how's life? Pretty good? Mine is messed up, actually. Haha.

And yea, I finally graduated from med school, and officially off-the-medschool-hook, or what everybody calls by Doctor. And now I'm doing my internship period in one of regional hospital in Bandung.

So, being a doctor is obviously not an easy journey. So many rules, so many demand. But we have to obey that rules, to finish that demands, so that everyone's happy.

Aha, I'm not gonna talk much about my hospital job. Lets talk about my life.

So I got a temporary job when I was waiting for my internship period. I was teaching at one of college course for medical student. It was really fun, I learned many things, I met many people, and the money is good.

Am I happy? I am not :)

I'm alone, and have no one to turn to. I have no boyfriend, my best friend just got a job so far away from mine, and my new friends? Apparently not somebody I can turn to, not somebody I could easily tell everything to.

So I kept calling someone, just to tell everything I went thru, day by day, week by week. 'Cause I really need to tell people about how's my day going. He was my friend, we've met couple months ago, I like him cz he was super smart. He might be the smartest man I've ever known, other than my collegemate. He lived someplace far from Bandung, that I didn't know when would I meet him again. So we keep contact by the line, by the phone. He was so charming that I was really happy to know him. I like the moment when we're discussing something. He listened to me a lot, to every stories I tell. And came up with some funny comment that I would laugh at.

We spoke by the phone abt 2 or 3 times a week. For more than 1,5 hours I tell him stories, he tells me stories. Mostly about medicines. The case he got, or the patient I met, etc. Or we talk abt job's life, the office, the people I worked with, the money he earned, etc. And we also talks abt the future, what would he do when he finished his internship period, or what would I do. We rarely talk abt 'life' stories. Who he was close to, who he was in love to, I really don't know. He never ask me the same. All he ask is when he saw me hanging out with some other man he doesn't know, he just asked who is that? And he seems like he didn't wanna know any further.

I just wanna know the whole stories, not only the patient he met, the case he got, or the attendings that superbly annoying. But I just don't know how. When I ask him abt that, he answered so damn simple that his words don't even clear anything abt my concerns. So I go back talking abt medicine.

When he said that there's nothing interesting abt his life, it would mean that there is nothing happen, or something happen but he didn't wanna tell me the stories, cz he didn't want me to know it.

Ah I need him to be here. So I could talk about many many things. So I could learn how his life's going. So I could know abt people near him. But he didn't have any reason to go back to Bandung. And I have no reason to bring him back to Bandung.

....

Yah intinya begitulah. Kesel.

I guess I'm being friendzoned, or doctor-zoned.

You know, I hate it when it comes to somebody leaving the others. I hate it. really. like they’re leaving and won’t ever come back, like we don’t know when and where will us meeting again. I superbly hate it.

but it happens, it happens a lot. whether we ready or not. we will be left by people we love. it just a matter of time.

so the question is, are we ready or not? I guess, my answer is no.

I used to be with them for 6 years, we beat our ass off in medical school, try to support each other back everytime one of us down. and now, we’ll be leaving this medical school with our new title, and we’re gonna meet our new world, the real world, the real job by being what people called “Doctor”. really, I am just sad. :”)

last week I’ve been left by one of my friend, though we just not that close but still, I am sad. haha bring him back, please?

so 3 days ago I just finished my last OSCE in this really long medical journey. and I was like, “fyuuuh” finally!!!! though I don’t know the result yet, but I hope we will pass it one shot. aamiiin.

and from that day on, till now, I am offiicially unemployeer. haha and it sucks.

I need money to live. but I’m just too uneasy to ask from my parents. I need money to shop, I mean. literally, I need money to be hedon haha.

ah crap, what am I talking about?

You’re an A-typed person, I’m an O. You’re kind, I’m not that kind. You’re polite, I’m rude, sarcastic. You’re minangnese, I’m maduranese. You’re white, I’m black. You’re smart, even genius, I’m just an average who think that I’m smart. You’re mature, I’m childish. You’re patient, I’m selfish. You’re physics engineering, I’m (soon to be) a physicians. You healed the machine, I healed people. You worked with people, I worked on people. You’re tall, I’m a bonsai. You laugh at the things I don’t laugh at. You hate talking about people’s badness, I sometimes did it and find it funny. You’re a religious man, I’m still finding myself thru it. You read novels, I read comics. You’re poetic, I’m just weirdly taking nonsense. You’re sometimes ignorant, I care too much. You’re cold, I’m warm and happy. You’re an introvert, nobody knows what you’re feeling, I’m so extremely extrovert that everybody knows my secret. You hate hedonism, I don’t. You know how to spend money effectively, I spend money as my wishes. You know politics, I don’t even know who’s the governors. You drive safely, I drive recklessly. You handled things calmly, I’m a panic, anxiously not handling things. You watched the news, I watched tv series. You don’t like being in a crowdiness, I dont like being anywhere else without you (cie). You dont know my true feelings, I know but denying.

Hello guys, whatcha duin’?

So I finally have finished my clerkship period that started 1,5 years back then. And I was so happy, till now, I am.

but then I realize that the exams come closer, and really, it’s super scary guys.... cz I haven’t prepared anything for it. so I decided to take a short course for that, and I am sure I’ll be so damn busy till the exams catch me. wish me luck, guys! tons of luck!

So yesterday I got my 10-days-off and literally spend those precious time by chillin out. I went to Dufan, (again) cz I don’t know whereelse to go :’) I spent my money for shopping (and now I regret that......), also for doing unnecessary thing (I regret that even more ........ damn!)

I’ll get to the point.

the point is, I was superbly bored then I decided to call someone, asking him out. someone I haven’t contacted for such a long time. such a longggg time. someone whom I had memories thru koass-lyfe and now we barely even speak to each other.

and he replied, and said yes. yes to meet me. I ask to watch Beauty and the beast and he agreed. (really? that movie was 2 hours long, and half of that was so full of sing and sing and sing....... and he did say yes to watch that with me)

but that night, the seat was full-booked and we decided not to watch that and we went outside and eat. and we talked, like never before. of course we came up with some stories of us being away for each other, what have we done in those time and so on..... I couldn’t tell.

I was so sure that night will be my last night meeting him again in person, cz I’m gonna be so damn busy till my exam time, and I’m pretty sure that he won’t ask me out, or even text me. but I don’t mind. I really don’t. not because of my feelings for him had changed, but I just don’t want this kind of feeling ruined my mood and mind, so I’ll just let that go.

but then he ask me to go out again, to watch the movie. and I said yes. so 1 week later we went out again to watch that movie together. so that was the second time meeting him, again.

we had enjoy that night, and on our way home, he asked me out again to go on a “getaway” trip to someplace far where we could take a train to be there. just to get on a train........ and again, I was a bit shocked but I keep saying yes. and we went out again.

okay, for those who haven’t know this person, I am telling you that this person was super. I mean, he was a complete opposite of me. he was an A-typed person, who was really prepared for everything he did. He’s kind, loyal, neat, but also weird, like we dont have the same thing to be laugh for.

But I did fell in love with him, or I should rather say, I attracted to him. (I’m not so sure)

He was there in my beginning of coass time, he accompanied me thru my hard time in coass, we had a good time together, and finally he got a job outside the town and leave me here in Bandung. we used to go home together, ate dinner together, talked on the phone till night catches us,  but things changed after he got a job that take half of his life so for some reason he couldn’t contact me. and I went selfish. and...... he’s gone for like, a long time.

and it ends our story back then.

I even told him my feelings for him the moment before he went outside the town for his job, but I just told him that I liked him, I liked being around him, and I would like to be around him for a longer time, but I wasn’t sure (till now I am) if my feelings should be called love or not. and that night, he called me on the phone, and said that he has read my letter and decided to take everything slow and let it flow, cz if it’s meant to be, if we were meant to be together, we will be.

and I cried the moment he left me for his job. but at first we keep making time to contact each other, even it’s only once a week, it isn’t much. but I still happy I get to know what he did there, how did he do, and he still spent his little time he had to give me atleast some news about him.

but as my coass-life getting hard and harder, I went selfish and I want more from him that I know he couldn’t do for me, I want much more time from him, that I know that it was impossible by seeing his busy job. and we talked less, everytime we made time to call, it ends up by me mad at him for some unknown reason. at first we found it cute, but at the end, it frustrating each other.

and he left.... like no news at all for me, no texts, no phones, nothing from him I heard more.

He used to be my very first man I told everything to (excluded my dad ofcourse), he used to be my very best friend that could calm me down whenever exam getting closer and I was super anxious. he used to be my mood stabilzer, my antidepressant, my manic-controller, my important person whom I could lean everything to. but things got so different and I never heard him again.

I tried to move on, and go on with my life without him, like before I met him. I tried to focus more on my coass. I often remembered him, I wonder what he did there, did he met a girl? did he happy out there? did he ever for once wondering about me? but I tried not to call even though I want it so badly.

till 5 months ago I finally text him, ask him, how’s his life but he replied it politely, but cold. like he was a super different person from the last time I met him. and then I realize that things might never be the same again as before. I decided to let it go and move on.

till 1 week ago, when I got my 10-days-off, I text him and we finally went out together. I won’t get my hope fly high, but I am very happy for that moment finally we could had our good time again after such a long time.

hello, my followers! hows tumblr these days?

I bet it’s getting much more interesting since the last timeI wrote a post here.

So now I just finally making time to start posting again, hopefully it’ll continue to go on regularly. hopefully.

I am finally in my very last week of my obgyn rotation in Garut City, and starting to feel “baper” about leaving this things behind and get back to my previous routinity in Bandung. I think I’m falling in love with Obgyn, this could be one of my top choice in choosing my specialty. could be. wkwkw

I just happy being here, I helped many babies born into the world, I helped many mother to their hard time delivering her baby into the world while her husband is waiting outside the delivery room, praying that his wife and his child could make it safely. It couldn’t be happier anymore helping people through that one of many painful moment of their lives. I am just so happy.

Plus, the consulent here, the teacher, the midwifes, residents and everyone were just so nice. they’re decent people. they helped me most of the time, teaching me, accompanying me, and we’re kinda having fun here despite of busy workhours that just cruelly stole our sleep time. haha.

having a C-section in the middle of the night, being awakened for more than 36 hours, not having much sleeptime because observing the mother and the baby just taking half of my life here, but I am just grateful I could do this thing.

but there’s some obstacles, obviously. it’s just impossible that everything would go perfectly the way we want. everybody kinda having their rough time, and sometimes, some douche-people just do the things the way they want and not thinking about others people just make me wanna punch their face and slap them with a chair. I am just that cruel. but don’t worry, I didn’t do such thing.

there’s so many lessons I learned here, by having the same rotation with another coass from another institution, that we just have to communicate everything clearly, we have to learn about what’s people feels whenever we do something undelightful, and just treat people the way you wanna be treated. it’s hard earlier, but time goes by and we learned to make the hard things easier. atleast, some of us learned. but some other just don’t, yep, those douche people. haha but nevermind, God is fair.

hello,from the other side uouououo

wkwkw after been abandoning you in like, omg i can’t count :p, maybe 2 years, here I am, coming back, with a new story of me.

so, in about 5 months ago I’ve just started my co-assistant period, it was fun, actually but yea it still having its rough time. but don’t worry, I got myself handled this time lol.

So, I just passed 4 station in my coass, it was neuro, radiology, ENT, and pediatry. and now I’m about to enter ophthalmology station in one week ahead. best of luck for meeee, pray for me ppl!!

and now, I’ve got my one-week-off, and unfortunately I’ve no plans so here I am, stuck here in home, posting some unnecessary posts, covering some songs in soundcloud, updating medsos, kepo-ing people, and many things wkwkw. nevermind, it’s still fun!

there so much story I wanted to tell, at first, but then I have no idea where do I begin with, so I skipped it.

okay, bhay.

okay helllo again!

I'm sorry I just came and drop something here only everytime I got myself unhandled, I'm so sorry Tumblr, but it's your job to serve me lol.

okay this november.... let's say it's epic.

yup those exams thingy, and that olympiad materials. well... God never put you in the situation you can't handle, right?  so surely this epic schedule could I handle. for sure.

in 1 week from now, I gotta met my destiny, again... it's SOOCA. and as usual, heart beats fast, I'm not ready yet to face it, man!!!! now, it's about Respiratory system, dat cough, sneeze, sputum, and all disgusting thingy.

and at the end of this month I've got to fly to Padang for three days. consider it as a holiday but it's really, truly..... it's not... unfortunately :( I've got some kind of olympiad there and I haven't prepared anything for it, God bless me.

*crying in the middle of the crowd laughs*

*and... laughing*

*and... crying again..*

Allah, please guide me, bless me, and put me in your bliss, always.

Hi, you, my dearest tumblr. sorry for abandoning you in like.... a year? lol. really, third year is so damn tiring.

happy Ied and happy Holiday!

keyzz, there's so much things I had in my head to be posted here but again, i dont know where to begin. let start with, college.

finally, after so much suffering, I've finally reached the end of the third year, and now I'm waiting for the Judicium, and jreng.... in about 1 month, I'm gonna enter my fourth year, my last year in FK. finalleeeeh.

my last system in third year was about Cardiovascular, which is really interesting but also, tiring. this system is one of my favorite topics after all, so I decided to join a selection of Indonesian Medical Olympiad for this topics. but still, the result is not yet known. pfffff

how 'bout SOOCA? well, this third year probably the most sucks sooca I've ever had. I even had C in my first sooca this year, ha-ha. super sucks. K, just forget it. you just sucks, fin. people don't always at the top everytime, so again, God is fair, and you just sucks.

and, it's all about my college life. most of it, sucks. but still, I thanked God for saving me from this whole nightmare year.

and, how about him? again, there's no good in remembering the good things with the wrong man, so... bye-bye. won't ever said anything related to this man again. kiwkiw. lol

what else? friends? they're good. my friends are now really crazy about Mahabharata, the Hindi's film. and I'm going crazy too hahaha. and the most important thing is, they were single this year! so yeah, we face many problems together, we eat like crazy, doing anything freely like a bunch of single bitches ladies. it just great.

okay, my holidays were lame. got nothing to do, I decided to make some money by selling some notebooks which can be customed by the buyer haha. the money is good, atleast I got something to do in this 2-week-holidays.

yesterday is a history, tomorrow is mistery, the day after tomorrow is SOOCA.

go kill yourself, no?

well maybe sooca is the most anxious-maker this whole time for us, medstudent, especially me.

but unfortunately, the anxious level of me isn't synergy with my level of study. that's the problem.

the end.

p.s

lately, I'm not in the mood to make a long posts.

okay, so this post is made just because I got the tutor changed for tomorrow tutorial. so this is just gonna be, great.

I got to present a topic about Hypersensitive, and those surrounding immune response. and that just really tiring. still, I should really really read and pay attention to the details, to every molecular things involved.

but lets just forget those! I'm writing this post.

p.s

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