maroon 𓏲ּ𝄢

i walked into the last class of the day, sat down, and listened to the teacher as always.

“10-page essay including a thesis, due tomorrow. extensions or late submissions, you already know your score.”

the words due tomorrow echoed through my ears. for a person like me, someone who always had a schedule and was known for being organized, that was the last straw.

being in a school like this, where everyone was against everyone, failing or not complying with the rules was basically making yourself an outcast to society.

i had already practically pushed everyone away for the past few weeks. my family, my friends, keonho. now tomorrow, which was supposed to be the day i reconnected and rested after days of exile to books, unhealthy diets, and sleeping schedules a doctor would scream at me for, was replaced with another deadline.

the bell rang, and i practically sprinted out of the room with my head down. i knew that if i made even the smallest move and lifted my chin up, tears would immediately come crashing down from my eyes. as the top student in my batch, i couldn’t let the others see me like this.

in a state where i was powerless. weak.

a face where the pressure had finally gotten to me.

that’s when i saw him.

the only person who actually understood me.

his face had the same stupid smile that always made me feel uneasy every time i saw it. but i couldn’t.

“babe!! y/n! y/n…?” keonho shouted from outside the gate.

“you promised we’d walk on friday. today’s the day,” he said, but his eyes looked like he was already expecting to get hurt again.

“baby, i’m sorry. i promise i didn’t mean to, but professor candelaria just gave us a 10-page essay due tomorrow, and… i just can’t let myself fail. you know how much this means to me,” i said.

“what? so you’re pushing me away again? sam, when are you ever gonna let yourself take a break? it’s the weekend tomorrow. please, let me have you at least.”

keonho looked at me as tears started building in his eyes.

i knew he hated confrontation, especially when it came to me. so seeing him like this hurt me more than i could imagine.

i had hurt him again.

i couldn’t bear looking at his face. i felt like i couldn’t breathe. the guilt hit me like waves crashing against the sea, and i couldn’t take it.

“sorry, keonho. i just… can’t.”

i walked away after that.

i walked home, but it felt like i was walking away from my actual home. the home that waited for me every day, expecting someone who wouldn’t even bother walking beside him anymore.

for the first time since we started dating, i called him keonho.

the walk home was filled with tears, tears i couldn’t control. i let myself cry for the first time since i let the pressure take over me, and i didn’t know it would hurt this much.

all of a sudden, i couldn’t breathe.

i was overthinking everything, and i couldn’t calm myself down.

i was panicking about my future, about my grades, but most of all, i was panicking over keonho.

my sweet boyfriend, who i had excluded and pushed away from my life.

the person who was always there for me was suddenly no longer there.

thump.

i clutched my heart and leaned against the nearest lamppost.

thump.

i was desperately gasping for air while tears still streamed down my face.

thump.

the sound of my heartbeat echoed in my ears. it kept getting louder and louder.

i was having a panic attack, and i didn’t know what to do.

thump. thump. thump.

it got faster and faster. i felt like i was about to collapse.

that’s when he found me.

i felt the warmest hug against my skin, even through all the layers i had on. i looked up, and keonho was there.

“y/n, it’s okay. i’m here. you can breathe.”

he held me so tightly, yet i didn’t want him to let go.

“keon… i… feel like… i’m gonna pass out,” i managed to say between breaths.

he held my chin while his other hand stayed wrapped around my waist, lifting my face just enough so we were eye to eye.

“don’t worry, i’m here with you. breathe in and breathe out. follow me.”

he inhaled and exhaled, and i carefully followed him. slowly, i felt my chest loosen, but the tears still flooded my eyes.

i closed my eyes and tilted my head toward the sky, my back still pressed against the lamppost. i kept crying, and it just wouldn’t stop.

“let’s play a game. it’s called five senses.”

i looked at him, checking his face, and realized he was serious.

i just nodded. words wouldn’t leave my mouth.

“okay, first, name five things you can see.”

i opened my eyes and looked around.

“streetlights, benches, trees, cars, signs.”

for the first time since everything started, i focused on something else.

“good,” he said with a small smile. not a teasing one, but one that looked genuinely proud of me.

“now touch four things.”

i touched the metal of the streetlight behind me, the scarf around my neck, my phone, and finally his hand.

out of instinct, keonho immediately held my hand. he looked away, almost flustered. i had never seen that side of him before. it was always me turning red because of him.

“g-good job, baby,” he muttered, looking back at me with an obvious blush on his face.

“this time, give me three things you can hear.”

“the birds chirping, the distant sounds of cars, my breathing…”

“two things you can smell.”

i breathed in and exhaled. without realizing it, my chest didn’t feel like it was suffocating me anymore.

“the grass… and your cologne.”

he laughed quietly under his breath before finally saying, “name one thing you can taste.”

before i even realized what was happening, his hand was back on my chin.

then he leaned in and kissed me.

i felt him smile against the kiss, and warmth flooded through my body.

my heart was beating faster than it ever had before, but this time for a completely different reason.

we pulled away, and i opened my eyes to the cheesiest smile ever.

“you,” i whispered before immediately hiding my face in my hands.

through my blurry vision, i saw it.

the smile he gave me while reassuring me everything would be okay. the warmth of his hand against my waist and neck. he was so desperate to help me, and i felt so guilty for all the times i pushed him away.

like he was reading my mind, he spoke right after that.

“y/n, i love you so much. you could break my heart into a million pieces, tear it apart all you want, but you’re never gonna get rid of me.”

then he hugged me tighter and warmer than ever, practically burying his face into the crook between my neck and shoulder.