♣ TROUBLE ♧

The idea that his brother’s future still hung in the balance left a consistent feeling of unease in his stomach. He was going to feel sick until the moment his brother woke up. He had already gone through this, yet it felt completely foreign all over again. The worry was new, as if this was the first time he’d dealt with these feelings. No matter how much he had dealt with and felt, there was nothing that could prepare him for what was going through his mind at the moment. Nothing could prepare him for how he was going to tell his parents that he had yet again not been the one to find his sibling, and this time, survival still was not guaranteed. But Ed was still alive, and he had to hold on to the hope, another foreign concept to him in terms of the war, that the younger man would pull through. And the hope that this would be one of the last times he had to set foot in this wretched place.

Isaac looked at the younger girl as if he was really seeing her for the first time, now for what the war had done to her. Obviously he knew her, and they were on the same side of many of fights, but he realised he didn’t know her as well as he should. Not as well as Ed or Amelia knew her. And Merlin she was so young. Far too young to have gone through a fraction of what she had. No one her age should be in the position to lead a charge like she had. No one his age should have to be in charge of it. And yet, here he was, thanking a girl so much younger than him for being the one to save his brother. The thought, hitting him like a blow to the gut, made him feel sick. Despite considering his siblings to be kids still, he had not thought about the others their age as kids. Barely out of school, and fighting for their lives. Fighting something that, at her age, should be beyond her. And yet, she was a survivor.

“”Of course you don’t deserve it. None of us do. The only ones that do are the bastards responsible,” he replied, knowing the minute it came out that it wouldn’t help a thing. But he needed to say it, not specifically to her, but just in order to get it off his chest. To take the weight off of his shoulders as he held it in. Words weren’t ever the easiest for him, by any stretch of the imagination. Even with his family, it was seemingly getting harder to open up to them. Shaking his head ever so slightly, he got himself out of his own place. Her response froze him in place for a moment. He’d made the offer off the cuff, out of ingrained courtesy, and her reaction was certainly not one that he had anticipated. “I-I didn’t mean to…” He cut himself off, knowing neither of them probably wanted to hear that. “It’s not a debt, it’s just an offer. And anyway, the it still stands, should you need it. We all need to watch each other’s backs after all.”

St. Mungo’s brought back a gamut of bad memories, there was no getting around that. While the Healers had done miracles in restoring Marlene to something that could vaguely resemble who she had once been, the hospital as a whole was a disastrous reminder of shitty things. First that after her recovery, the only family that had cared enough to be there was Marcus. Then, that when the Ministry had been overthrown, her father had nearly died; that night Marlene had dragged him to the hospital only to have to pull him out, away from the never ending duels. Even though the hospital had been rebuilt now, there was no getting around the bitter reminders, and Marlene doubted it would ever change. It was hard not to be selfishly jealous now, regardless of the circumstances; Edgar was safe and alive, a fact she had played part in. That was the important factor in all of this, and yet, there was the bitter stinging realization that the Bones family was more connected than the McKinnons ever would be. Feeling any sort of jealousy over that was equal parts unfounded and unfair, and yet, Marlene couldn’t manage to shake it. 

She was forced to swallow her pride, and whatever other selfish means of thought. Not everything was about Marlene McKinnon, and she had always known that; made a fact to try and live that way especially since her own salvation. The less attention she attracted now, as a loon and alcoholic, the better. All people saw her as now was a disappointment, anyways; James taking her side and all the brazen choices in the world didn’t change that. Marlene was viciously out of touch with her emotions, and reality on most days, but it was better that way. Easier to manage whatever was left of her existence, the survival that everyone kept telling her she was lucky to have. How Amelia had carried on after a year of torture, the redheaded witch had no idea; part of her hated that she now was responsible for whatever memories Edgar had to live with. But it was better for him to be home than to die in a hole. Was this what her own rescue mission had felt like? Was it the other side of the abduction? If it was, Marlene wasn’t sure she liked it, feeling like a damned hypocrite when her thoughts were already difficult enough.

“’M sure I deserved it more than other people. At least Edgar. Don’t worry, I’m not lookin’ for pity or anything, it’s just what it is.” Marlene shrugged. She held her feelings and memories of what war had done to her close enough that nobody else could see. They were safer that way, at least that was what she told herself; Florence thought she was self-destructive, and maybe it was true. But Marlene didn’t see any reason to let anyone else suffer her own misery with her. Isaac’s words struck a cord, whether in a good or bitter way she wasn’t sure. If it came to the bastards that had hurt her, she would agree. It would be easier if they were dead, incapable of hurting anyone else; but they were in power now, leading the Ministry through bullshit regimes that any act against seemed to cause more problems through. “Don’t worry about it, I didn’t figure you meant it that way.” She promised, shrugging with the words. She didn’t know how to do this, accept thanks for something any of them could have done. Maybe she was trying to level her karma, or quiet the voices. Whatever it was, Marlene didn’t really want to know. “But thanks. You could just buy me a drink sometime or somethin’ and I’d call it even,” the words came out as more of a joke than Marlene meant for it to, but accepting anything well-intended to her felt foreign. “I’m kiddin’ mostly. The thanks was genuine.”

“I really hope you are. The world’s a dark and quiet place without Marlene McKinnon. And even if you don’t feel like yourself, I know you’re still in there. Even if that version of yourself is different, you’re still you, and that’s really all that we all can hope for.” She meant it in as positive a way that she possibly could, but Hestia knew that her words might not come across that way. Marlene was always vibrant, no matter how she was feeling. She just didn’t want to watch Marlene use that energy for self-destruction instead of committing to rebuilding herself and staying strong. Then again, staying strong looked different for different people. Not everyone saw strength as returning to the person they once were. Perhaps this was the kind of strength that Marlene could muster – at least for now. And if that was the case, it would have to be enough. “Fine. I will. Give me a list, and I’ll go person to person, name by name. I’m a firm believer that if you were brutal to them, they probably kept bothering you until you felt they deserved it.” Marlene was vibrant, yes, but she was also dynamic. Anything she did, she seemed to do at one thousand percent. That was yet another thing that Hestia appreciated about her friend. “It’s not embarrassing. It’s the truth, isn’t it? But I’m sorry you feel that way. If it makes you feel any better, you’ll have to do a whole lot more for me to not like you anymore.” Hestia gave her friend her biggest, most friendly grin to prove it. “I’ll try my best. Even if I don’t always want to. I just never thought I’d be in the position where I’d have to ask my friends for a lead on a job. I always thought I’d be able to make my own way, to create a position for myself if one wasn’t there already. I kind of feel like I’m relying on everyone else to keep myself afloat… and… it’s not a great feeling, y’know?”

The world’s a dark place without Marlene McKinnon. For some unidentifiable reason, the words struck a cord deep within the woman, hitting closer to home than she could have expected. For months, maybe longer really, she had managed to convince herself that nobody would truly notice were she never to have come back from Paris. It was easier there, around people that didn’t know her horrific past, when she was able to pretend to be someone else. All the shags and the food and booze had been a distraction she welcomed with great ease, and coming back had been a brutalizing shock. “Well,” Marlene paused, clearing her throat. How was she supposed to respond? Anything she said that might show how Hestia’s kindness affected her would sound cheesy and like utter bullshit. “Thank you.” She nodded, chapped lips curving upwards slightly. “I hope you’re right. I’ve been havin’ some trouble believing it myself.”

A single eyebrow raised in amusement then, hearing Hestia’s proposal. Despite every interaction they'd ever had in school, and afterwards, it was hard to remember the last time they had spent time together like this. They were friends, weren’t they? At least, as much as Marlene could be friends with anyone. She hoped so, if nothing else; it was getting lonely, isolating herself every possible moment from anyone around her, regardless of whether or not she deserved it. “That’d be a damn long list, Jones.” She laughed again, feeling a surge of appreciation in that moment. It was a strange sensation, something that Marlene had grown very unfamiliar with in recent months, but for at least right now she didn’t want to force it down just yet. “You’re a good friend, y’know.” She nodded, hoping that Hestia could believe it. Even if Marlene McKinnon herself had no idea what it meant to be one, she wasn’t quite far gone enough to forget what it meant in others. “I thought by now I’d have gone pro in Quidditch. And I wouldn’t be scared’a my own shadow,” Marlene offered, letting out a breathy, bitter laugh as she spoke. 

Kind heart

Fierce mind

“If it’s that much of an ego boost, I’ll say it again. I like seeing you smile.” Hestia kept her own smile on her face, knowing that it would be easier for her friend to keep in a lighthearted mood if she appeared to be in one herself. “You laughing and smiling when we talk is enough of an ego boost in itself. But it’s good to hear you’ve still got some of yours. Sometimes I worry that you’ve lost some of that spark. Not that I’d blame you – just… it’d be a shame if you did.” She ran a hand through her hair. She didn’t feel like she had much of an ego to boost these days. Now, more than ever, she was feeling down about herself, and it was getting more and more difficult to find something to make herself happy. “Being a bitch isn’t always a bad thing,” Hestia shrugged. There were times when it was helpful. Or that being a bitch just felt good. “Any time. Seriously. That’s what friends are for, and you’re not shaking my friendship any time soon. No matter what.” It would take a lot more than what they’d already been through to stop them from being friends. “I was trying to be nice about it, that’s all,” she laughed again, knowing that Marlene was right about Xenophilius. She’d heard the rumors, read some of his writing. ‘Out there’ was a generous description at best. “Okay, so I might not owe you, technically, but as your friend, I’ll still try and be nice and generous to you in return. Out of the kindness that’s somehow left in my heart,” Hestia grinned. “I really appreciate you reaching out to him. I feel kind of… embarrassed, asking for help and everything. I never thought I’d be in this position. Y’know. Fired, asking my friends to ask their friends to hire me…”

It felt almost like a stab to the chest to hear Hestia say that. There were clearly no cruel intentions behind it, she was only trying to be nice. But it felt brutal all the same; had she really become so far gone? It seemed that no matter how hard Marlene tried to pretend everything was fine, that she was okay, that her adjustment period after the torment had long since passed, it didn’t do any good. She was still drowning every night regardless of what she tried, and it was evident that now she was dragging her friends down with her. It was evident why she tried to push them out. “Suppose I’m still in here somewhere, eh?” She asked, trying to maintain the lighthearted nature of their conversation and not show how much it had affected her. Marlene wanted to believe it, that she existed somewhere still, whether she felt it or not through the facade she held up.

moon: do you have problem with trust?

rising: how/what do people say you come off as?

midheaven: what do you want to be when you grow up?

venus: do you flirt more knowingly or unknowingly?

mars: when was the last time you got mad and why?

mercury: who's your go-to person when you need to talk?

jupiter: when was the last time you got lucky?

saturn: what are you the weakest and strongest at?

uranus: are you rebellious and do you act upon it frequently?

neptune: what was your best dream and why?

pluto: what is your biggest aspiration and why?

lilith: what's your biggest turn on in someone?

aries: what's your favorite sport to play?

taurus: are you a dog or cat person?

gemini: are you introverted or extroverted?

cancer: when was the last time you cried and why?

leo: what makes you the most confident?

virgo: what's your strongest subject in school?

libra: what's your favorite make up brand?

scorpio: what's your most kept secret?

sagittarius: do you like to party?

capricorn: what's the last book you've read?

aquarius: do you believe in aliens?