Marleenuh

Now, I am not book critic, but one of my goals for 2020 was to read more, specifically read more about topics that will help me understand myself and/or my growth. Let’s get into it!:

Honestly, I cannot remember who first mentioned this book to me, but that it was mentioned numerous times. Having been to AA meetings with my mom as a kid, I assumed this was a book for kids to better understand the AA program and therefore was turned off from the whole idea. Oh, was I wrong. This book is me. I remember actually starting it this past summer and I got to page two, put the book down, and cried. It was so surreal to know that I wasn’t alone, if that make sense. Obviously, I know there are many kids who had differing degrees of my experience, but to be validated for my stunted growth, my sense of insecurity and anxiety-- y'all that was so powerful. A little too powerful, that I put this book down until setting this goal of reading monthly. 

The book outlines 14 habits/ behaviors in which every, single child of an alcoholic experiences. Part one focuses on the past, two focuses on more of a now-practice, and as you guessed it part three talks about the future, specifically how it might affect your relationships both romantic and with having your own children.

The book is a bit outdated with the examples, but this book will forever be timeless. Though its sad to think there will be more children who face a chaotic alcoholic home, it feels very reassuring that there is almost a “start here” type of guide for those who seek healing, who seek understanding.

Find this book, and others written by Dr. Janet Woititz, go to https://www.amazon.com/Adult-Children-Alcoholics-Janet-Woititz/dp/1558741127

Y'all -- this is what I feared.

Being imperfect, not keeping up, not following through. Then I realized that none of that matters because this is all apart of my bigger picture, of learning a new habit/ hobby. And for once, I'm going to be kind to myself and say “you recognized it, thats great! now lets do something about it..”

I feel excited. I feel ready and balanced for this project. But also I feel a bit intimidated because I want for this to be useful -- and there goes the pressure again! Im going between videos vs blog, and framing an actual game plan. 

Videos are great, its a way to be expressive and seen, but I am by no means an expert with video effects and editing. Its a skill I would love to learn more on, but will videos convey my messages? Ah now I’m rambling.

Just know this, whats coming, this fire in the pit of my soul, oh she's ready. She just needs the right catalyst and although a bit behind, the foundation for me is so very important for how I’m launching this creative outlet of mine. 

ya’ll, im not sure if its because I went out with a gal pal and got some seriously yummy sushi -- but I am feeling just so good right now and need to embrace it.

I am sitting on my couch, in my cozy apartment, with a kitten by my side; life is just so good. Thats not to discount the stressors that I have running through my brain at the moment (work, money, chores) but tonight I decided instead of the self criticism, I’m going to try the whole gratitude thing. 

I am grateful that I am a professional woman, with her own apartment, who is able to go out to dinner with a girlfriend, and come back to said apartment, throw on my sweats with my makeup still on, and watch a movie to wind down before bed (as I prep for my first 7am dayshift in 3+ months)... holy shit isn't that just great? 

You know that scene in Mulan where Mushu is awoken by his ancestors? Thats exactly how I feel... like the part of me I KNEW has been inside, the girl I am proud of and love, is finally getting summoned, she's getting dusted off, and ready to awaken from being buried under my insecurities. Hi bish, I missed you, we got some catching up to do, okurr? 

the autopilot is done, no longer will I be unintentional with who I am becoming. 16 year old me defined “better” as getting the fuck out of my house from my destructive parent, and going to college so I can have a career and only ever rely on myself. 

Since graduating college (go blue hens!), I haven’t really redefined what my success looks or sounds like... its great I became a nurse, passed my boards on the first time (humble brag) and got my dream job on the first try. All the rap air horns here ********* But, for the last four/ five years, I’ve barely treaded water to learn how to adult, pay bills, balancing life, etc. And because of that, I really haven’t given it a thought on what I think is what goals and aspirations I have, aside from becoming debt free... cue the goal of one day having the money-gun from cardi’s “money” video 

Man, isn’t it crazy we get programmed to do well in high school to go to college and to get a job... and thats about it no one tells how to keep up the success after you attain those things. Its just assumed you will, as an adult, redefine it on your own. So, as my girls say on GGE, im shootin’ my shot for myself on defining “better.” Drumroll please:

This year, I will only date myself. I am going to jump both feet in to my past and healing via this wonderful blog. I want to find research, connect with professionals, and build my self confidence/ esteem.

Monthly, I am going read a new book about relationships and self healing. I am going to interview someone who knows something about either subject and connect with them on the impact its having not only in my life, but in our society today. Be kind, because to start I might just review some of my favorite podcasts... because its currently my favorite hobby. Also, focusing on mental health, and how I can be an active advocate for the world of mental wellness. Last but not least, something I have struggled with is financial bullshit, so for accountability and to turn the negative into a manageable aspect of my life, I’m going to tie in my debt journey (blehk). 

Weekly, I will be touching on one of three subjects: relationships, self growth, and mental wellness. All three are inter-connected but, all three are core parts of how I want to approach my personal healing. Its my friggin’ blog after all! Sundays will be check in days, and my day to set up the week to come. 

Mixing alcohol and emotion is the worst, isnt it?

I’m learning to be kinder to myself, not judge myself so much, but I think I need to really own how much I’m repressing the feels. I recently stumbled upon Amy Young, who’s a life coach/ youtuber passionate about women’s self development -- at least thats my take-away. One of her many videos touches upon feeling feelings vs judging your feelings. Her metaphor here is that Judgement and Self Criticism is the dam that interrupts the normal ebb and flow of emotions/ feelings. Feelings are here for us to acknowledge, they allow us to process our own moral compass, and when we suppress these opportunities to feel feels, we stunt our own growth. The bigger the dam, the harsher the current when you finally deal with it. IT being the metaphoric wall you’ve put up surrounding those emotions.

So, today is tough because I’m “dealing with it” after an embarrassing night. Its been six mfkin months since I walked away from my ex, and only now am I lifting up the dam of how much it hurts even though for the last six months I have told myself daily “this is the right thing.” ‘Cause ya, it was the right thing. I can’t stress that enough, but I have been judging myself because I broke up with him, so thus I have convinced myself that I can’t be upset. WHICH IS WRONG. Oh wrong, so so so wrong and unkind of myself to my self, which I get rationally!!! And, what really solidified the “ok bitch time to deal with this issue” was not only  that I drunkingly showed up at his place (again) but then decided to cry to one of his family members. So fucking embarrassing. 

But, I had to get up today and face the world, continue on with my life (still had mascara on my cheek from bawling my eyes out hours earlier). I realized whilst washing my face that its because I haven’t dealt with the WHY behind trusting my gut and leaving him. The WHY I burned our relationship to the ground because I knew I had to let it go in order to grow for myself. Self sabotage should’ve been enough for me to have a moment to evaluate myself but no, here we are full of shame with a hint of hangover. And the harsh truth is that I honestly haven’t deal with the real why of my personal deep-rooted issues/ broken-ness for years at this point and my relationship was the last safety raft I had to figure out that I need to focus all my energy into ME.

I’m not going to sit here and rehash past pains and trauma, because for one: thats to come with the growth of my blog, and two: thats why I go to therapy... but I have not been honest with knowing owning these faults. Hence why this whole blog is being born; so I can face it and grow. 

To start superficially, the feels: i miss him. I miss him because he is a comfort. He is a safety net for me. Yikes yall. Ugh... Owning the idea that a guy is / well was that for me is so tough. Because I am better than that, I rationally know that! But I never had the courage to confront those feelings. Without processing those feelings I can’t be better. No one could. And now I know that right now I’m reaching out in need for comfort is because I’m feeling insecure in my life right now, and more importantly it has nothing to do with him being “right” or “meant” for me. 

The deeper part to this; I’m trying to figure out who tf I am. Which is so scary, especially because I have no idea who that is. I knew who she was in high school, mostly because I was surviving the broken home I was trapped in. She was a mom before she was a kid; a forced child-adult to a dysfunctional parent, but when she finally became independent ( ie went off to college ) she was terrified because she had to finally deal with all these traumas. So, instead, I didn’t!!!! I was mean/ harsh, I allowed my behavior because, well, finally the little girl who wanted to throw hissy fits could. Its not cute, I get it, but I never owned it. 

Before you start to state something obvious like “haven’t you done the whole counseling thing” why yes, I sure as fuck have done the whole therapy thing and I think its why I am able to reflect better today that I could back when I left my home life permanently. But no athlete become an olympian by practicing once a week for one hour.. which is exactly the “work time” I was investing into making myself better. But until now, I haven’t defined what I think is better, I’ve had this huge dam up! Time to pivot girl, break down the dam, and learn to swim because this huge wave of emotion is no joke.

day 0 of figuring out me -- hooo ray... i think. 

final note: as my brother advised me today: just keep swimming!