Mark, My Thoughts

Everything's a blur. I suddenly stopped caring. I wanted to disappear. I only wanted to see me in a place where I could see no one else except me.

How could you solve a puzzle when you're holding the wrong piece? How could you take the long road if all you see is the stop sign in plain sight? How could you finish something you have not started yet?

I see stars at night like my dreams I couldn't reach; you know they're there but not meant to be desired.

But hey, choice was never ours. It was all by force that brought us to where we are now. No, you can't qoute me on that.

Whatever it is, skip those "we're all in this together" line because we are all so good at hiding our struggles... Or why should it ever there a need to broadcast? It's shameful.

This is why we lost so many beautiful lives because we never really cared until we see the person lying in the casket. And we start jarring and act with full regrets for not being on their side the whole time.

I never want to skip that page in my journal every time I look back on those days I feel terribly helpless. Or maybe it's always been in my mind that I put it all under a nice thick of a massive denial that it actually happened to become bulletproof for feeling any real emotion.

I can be the most critical person you'd ever thought I'd be when making a certain decision. It usually goes through a long systematic process that mostly revolves around what outcome I'd get when I take the first step.

When I thought of ending my life at that time, it was only because I was scared. I was scared that none of it would matter. Or maybe I was scared that all of it would actually matter. It was pure disappointment that brought me to that idea. The disappointment that comes from a place of accrued insecurities.

I was so insecure about my life. I self-sabotage because it's the only way in the world that I feel mostly safe. I hated myself a lot. I didn't like who I had become, maybe. You know despite the huge amount you put in the work to be better, deep down, there's the unhealed version of you telling the exact opposite.

I sought professional help. I was ashamed at first that I was speaking to a therapist, an actual human being that I hadn't met ever in my life who had the guts to be fascinated at solving the puzzle of my life which made it difficult for me to believe at first.

But what's nice about seeking help, is the feeling of becoming powerful. Your experiences shaped you into who you are today. Your traumas were weapons you used to win that battle between you and your thoughts.

Finding a potential great partner who is emotionally capable to give you the attention you need in a readily available place where all you need to do is to swipe right when you feel the person is right. But how do you even measure that the person is right that all you see are pictures that were beautifully captured and a very well written bio with words that were carefully considered so you wouldn't think anything except, "Wow, this person is amazing!".

I've got loaded questions with answers I wish I could find somewhere but here I am, just writing this to calm my mind. I don't proofread anything I said in this platform so most of the things I said could only be 1.) what is this guy talking about and/or 2.) is this guy okay? or maybe I am not?

But whatever it is, I'm just glad that I'm becoming more aware when things get tough because the first thing that comes right to mind is, "What am I supposed to do to feel better?".

We're down to the last days of this year and I gotta be honest, I've learned so much compared to how crazy my year went in 2022. I became more brave I guess this year - brave to go through all the battles alone, well mostly when situations cry for help, I have to keep myself away from the people who I know that cares but I refused to involve them in my personal matters so I know how to do it in my own terms, in my own ways.

I'm tired of being the bigger person and I'm not saying that I should stop being kind at some point. I think what I'm saying is the more we allow people to step on us the more we give them the power to serve us with utmost disrespect.

I get that we fear being misunderstood and you know what, fuck that. Who cares anyway? I care what I feel and I think that's what should matter most at this point. I don't like a lot of people, nor do I want to see myself being at the center of a crowded room.

I honestly feel that I don't want to talk to most people but sometimes the situation just requires you to be doing that and that's fucked up… I don't exactly know what I'm talking about right now but if you ever feel like the world is against you, fuck that bullshit. Oops, language. I know.

Now, my hopes could bury me. Or maybe it won't.

I'm always positive about things that don't usually go the way how I imagined them. But every time I try to be as optimistic as I should, it kind of feel that I'm blocking myself from feeling the real emotion and it gets worse and worse for keeping a facade that does not connect me from myself.

Everything I wrote about everything I feel in this blog makes me anxious that I am potentially putting my emotions in the most inappropriate way… Or maybe it's just all about the fear that I use this platform to give space for all the repertoire and break the schtum.

I've done all these shit in the hopes that the people I meet can see my brokenness and handcuff them until I see myself getting the healing I need at the expense of them being treated unfairly.

I was so wrong to hold that aspect in me but the dichotomy of losing myself in the process of healing and at the same time gaining myself in the process of healing was remarkably a comforting revelation.

If I hadn't let myself become the worst person I could be, I would've never felt being in my better version now. I would've never known how to treat people the right way. I would've never realized that people are not collateral on our journey to self-discovery.

I say this as someone who's been not a million miles away from being stuck in the craziest situation I thought I would never get myself out of. And just so you know, the statement I just said does not mean that I am finally making perfect choices. I won't and maybe will never be 100% sure.

Every time I hear someone say this when I start becoming vulnerable with what I feel is the most heartbreaking feeling I could ever feel. I never would've trusted myself to go in a hole where I would eventually see myself being buried into an almost interminable pain that feels so hard to cure.

You know when someone is starting to trust you by telling things you probably have heard for the very first time, that means they put their walls down to allow you to see what's inside. And that takes guts and a massive amount of time contemplating whether to do it or not. And maybe you should feel great? for seeing a portal of someone's life.

No one is responsible to feel what other people feels but that does not mean that we can use consolatory words to be excused from being incapable of creating a safe space to people.

But life's great. Sometimes you have no language to speak for what you feel and other times, you see nothing but clear sky after a hit of a non-lethal storm that I'm unsure if happy outcomes were the majority.

Being asked a lot about how I've been dealing with my single life, my sexuality, and my relationship desires, I sometimes feel that it has crossed the threshold of going through the portal of what is supposed to be perfunctory.

I get that being in a relationship is great but I have become overly critical when it comes to relationships. I don't want to be tied up with someone for the sake of just having one, or to feel that belongingness under the layers of the expectations from the people around me.

I feel comfort with me being alone - I know it gets lonely at times (a dichotomized harsh truth) but hey, that's only a portion of a millisecond of that very moment that only requires a little effort to feel in complete absolution.

For now, I will remain to keep my hopes high that one day, in time, I will meet someone who is exactly what I hoped for, who shares almost exactly the same values as mine, and who sees life exactly the way I see life.

I always wanted to have someone with me during this interrupted uneasy moments of my life but over the time, I became a soldier of my own, fighting to the hordes with full aghast.

I'm finally learning to let go of this sheer expectation to hopefully have someone in the expense of my fears, in the presence of unwieldy moments that I wish I have anyone to touch.

My first International solo concert.

I would've never survived the hardest break-up if it weren't because of LANY's songs that became my therapy on those days I was down on my knees.

Seeing them in person, hearing their songs I used to listen to in live and jamming with them in one place have brought back so many memories I healed from. Their songs played a huge part of my life - in every season, they were there to represent each emotions I was dealing from. They became my voice from stories I could not share.

It was only a dream before to experience going on a concert and now it makes me so grateful that my inner child is healing for allowing myself to enjoy things I didn't experience before.

These moments will live in my mind rent free - for the rest of my life.

I grew up spending the majority of my time trying to be good at something; to basically be good in the eyes of the people around me as it kind of gives me relief when I know I'm doing something right. So every time I envision something I want to achieve, rejection and failure have never been on my what-ifs list - and if I fail, it's always almost the end of the world for me.

I never ran out of plans in place. Name it from A to Z - for some reason, it's what makes me feel alive. To know that I still have so many things to look forward to even when I know most of the plans I have are highly unlikely to happen.

But the worst part of being the kind of person I was before is, I never enjoyed being in the present. I never liked the process. I never been fascinated going through a lot of roadblocks. I was only too focused on the end-goal not realizing that I would never have those moments back.

To live in the present moment reminds me that life does not operate in ways that I want. Sometimes, it takes "it is what it is" moments to realize that this is how life works - to accept what's happening in the current and to look at the ground where you are standing.

I didn't make my boss happy about my recent work performance - instead of feeling bad about myself, accept. It is what it is. I'll be better next time.

Stuck in traffic and being late at work, it is what it is, I'll be better at managing my time the next day.

Not getting that job I hoped for, it is what it is. It's not for me or perhaps there are just things I need to improve more to get qualified the next time.

I know I haven't been able to share anything on this blog for a while now. I don't know if it's true that when you try to get your shit together, you will probably lose some motivation to keep doing the things you used to do during downtime, or maybe it's just this whole adulting that prevents us to perform things simultaneously, or neither of the reasons said?

It's crazy that I was in the Philippines for a short vacation exactly a month ago. I can't believe I'm still a little bit over it and by far, it was the best time spent this year. I enjoyed seeing the people I intentionally want to see, seeing my sister finish her degree in Nursing and having the opportunity to give back to my mom and my family in my own small way by bringing them to my second home, Cebu.

It was my first time to travel with my family at my own expense and I'd literally freak out if you were going to ask me how much total I spent for the whole trip (lol); but all I know is, time is something we can never get back.

We never know when will the time stops, or how much time remains for us to live in this world - so while we are still capable of making the people we love happy, nothing should stop us from going in that direction.

So if you ever see yourself still having a little pushback of going all out with your life, or maybe you still self-sabotage because you think you do not deserve to be enjoying life, that you feel hopeless, that you never see your worth as a person, know that these thoughts are your enemy and these thoughts do not want you to win in life.

The feels of the newly released song of LANY just hit different.

Maybe it's me that is just so hard to love. Maybe it's me who's just afraid of commitment because I know exactly how it feels to be abandoned. Maybe it's me who put others' feelings first before mine because I never liked each time I'm taken for granted.

Maybe it's just me, I'm the problem it's me as what Taylor Swift said in one of her songs.

As I continue to live in the present, I still struggle with how my intrusive thoughts could ruin my day at some point. But I don't mean that I hate myself for having those moments. You know, I'm still a human after all. I get good days, I get bad days. But it doesn't mean I'm having a bad life.

There are so many things I have not discovered yet about myself and maybe life in general. You know there are still plenty of people out there who remain to be unkind - who find joy to laugh at someone's struggle, who gives nothing but pure disrespect in someone's downtime, or maybe people who never tried to choose empathy in their entire life.

But regardless of what these people choose to do with their life, it's still up to us how we can make this world a better place to live in. I know that sounds like an excerpt from a quote we've probably seen on social media or from a book we've read in the past but on a serious note, there's nothing else that is good except choosing not to be part of the population who highly contributes to this cruel world.

Maybe it's just me.

Maybe it's just me who wants to be kind to people. Maybe it's just me who wants to be compassionate. Maybe it's just me who never likes violence in all forms.

Well, maybe it's not just me. Maybe it's also you who's reading this that has the same heart as mine.

I know that most of the times when we like to date someone who is a potential lover or partner, the first thing that comes to mind is always, "Is this person going to like me?" Or "How will I make this person like me?"

You need to reverse that and tell yourself, "How am I gonna like this person?" "How will I be comfortable with this person?" "How will this person going to add value in my life?"

The focus changes now to yourself and not to the other person. In this way, you don't have to struggle being liked because you know exactly who you are and what you need.

I am no longer interested in putting so much weight on the societal expectations of achieving something at a certain age - being great at my career, earning 6 digits a month, building my own house, getting myself a luxurious car.. Sure, these things are absolutely great, but are these things the only way to make us feel good and happy? Or to feel successful? I don't think so.

The hustle culture is what makes our adulting life so difficult to progress that we all share the same feels of being tired and caught up. This is because of trying to meet society's expectations and it's not fair to carry such heavy weight on top of our shoulders to prove something that in the end, it's not something that we really wanna do in life.

I'd rather aspire to be comfortable in life rather than achieving these tangible things and the titles that do not give much value to what I believe in. As long as I'm living comfortably - having a roof over my head, having a stable job, being able to buy things I need, getting the stuff I want and having the ability to travel places I haven't been with, I think that's what makes me feel alive.

It's when we realize that life isn't all about achievements and titles, but it's when we come to its terms to allow ourselves to be free from the onus that hollowed us to see the true value of life.