M

jesus fuck i was in such a bad place, i looked like shit, i felt like shit, it was really bad. Depression, lost.. so fucking lost, oh my god i was so lost, well i still am but not like that, existential crisis shit, what's the point of anything type shit, what's the point of being alive type shit, fuck.. 😪

I didn't take any pics during that time and i didnt let people take pics of me either, i was terribly camera shy, i didnt want anyone to see me or know about me, i was hiding, so these are rare, they were caught off guard without my permission, it was in the moment, really in the moment of that shit, really going through it, fuck, damn, it was a lot..

Felt cute after throwing up feelings I couldn’t feel, might delete later

Goddamnit!! I’m so… AGHHHHHH! I’m so… ANGRY… I’m so……… conflicted..

I want to take this voice class that starts in a hour and I want to take this other music class and I want to do this other thing..

BUT I NEED A JOB… well, I NEED money, to fucking live and survive and pay for shit: Parking, a headlight, therapy. basic needs!

But part of me wants to say  “fuck it! fuck the money! fuck the job! Just do music! That’s it! Until something happens!…” but like.. I need fuckin money to get my shit mixed! I need money to pay people! to help make the fuckin beats! I keep hitting walls! I keep getting stuck in the weeds! Stuck in the trenches! Fighting to do things that would take someone else 5 minutes! I need help!! I’m stuckk! So many projects left unfinished! And like 2 or 3 in particular that I started with a producer but I don’t have any money for another session to keep em going! I left those fuckin So many songs left hanging! They need me! They’re fuckin crying! Abandoned! Rotting in the middle of the desert in the hot sun, begging me to come back to them! I just left them there. I had to! i ran out of money! Fuck! I’m so conflicted! 

Part of me is ready to live in my car and drive around LA in hopes of magic. Part of me is ready to leave it all behind and busk! I’ve seen people like that! Like this one guy Boots in Boulder. Living on the road. Living his best life. Free. Truly Free! With nothing but a backpack and his dog, and a guitar. Serenading the world with his hillbilly music. in tune. in touch. Present. “I could be that” this part says, “I can be like Boots”, “I don’t need none of this shit! Cars. Clothes. Etc”. 

..And like I meet so many talented ass musicians and producers and so many of them don’t even make shit because they’re “too tired” after work and they don’t have time and its “the last thing they want to dot”. I don’t want to be like that! I don’t want to give my precious time and energy away to some fuckin company that doesn’t give a shit about me and my dreams.

But like still, I feel like I need a damn job. I don’t really know why. Maybe to stay grounded, in reality. I guess I’ve been doing the “struggling artist” thing living at home (which I hate that term by the way, there’s nothing wrong with choosing art over the comforts of modern society. Fuck the comforts! It’s a load of shit! It’s surface level pleasure! It’s a trap even! Comfortable enough to ignore what’s really nagging at you deep down. A distraction.).