if you don't pray, you'll never learn

I absolutely will not be sharing the contents of that phonecall. I will not be giving you or anyone else any ideas about what publicity stunts to pull next. 

Thank you for your concern, Aiden. While the subject matter was not threatening... this time, I think it’s best to be clear that these types of phone calls will not be tolerated. Neither by my husband nor by me. That’s all.

This is a very gentle, but firm, reminder to everyone who thinks prank calls are humorous: calls to the Brody household that do not pertain to police matters or are not made by close friends or family, or otherwise are not made with good intentions are not appreciated. It is a violation of our expectations of privacy. And depending on the subject matter, the call may be viewed as threatening an officer of the law and his family. Thank you.

Dr. Borges... just the person I was hoping to see! I was wondering if you had a minute to discuss the benefits of eating an organic, vegan diet for fertility purposes. Of course, I know that eliminating stress is the first step on the path to conception but I want to do everything in my power... even if the stress component is out of my hands.

I was just so taken by surprise, Melanie. I mean, illegal activities in broad daylight are only something you’d imagine in those salacious television shows the young ones are into these days. I called the police and they told me they would handle it, but I waited there for fifteen minutes and a squad car didn’t pull up at all. When I told Spencer, he told me he would handle it, but you know how stressed he is, and he can’t do it all. Gisele was right when she told the world that Tom couldn’t throw and catch the ball at the same time; it’s the same for Spencer. He can’t run the police department and do the job of his subordinates too, you know? I just... spend my days wondering if he’s going to be okay. If he’s going to come home to me in one piece.

He’s been so stressed out these days, Melanie. I try to keep him relaxed when he’s home, but he’s just been so tense. And then everyone walks around like it’s a crime to be concerned about the state of our city. If others won’t be concerned, I will. I watched a drug deal happen on the corner as I went to the coffee shop this morning, and not a single person stopped except for me.

People despise what they can’t understand, Melanie. It’s just so sad. Spencer goes to work every single day to make a difference in this city and the way he’s treated as a result... it’s terrible. Now is the time that we should rally around our city’s finest. 

Spencer is a very busy man and he hasn’t got all day to sit around and fix the problems of someone else’s creation, especially when that’s the job of our aforementioned political leaders. You would be amazed at how disrespected the Chief of Police is by his peers. I mean, his subordinates can’t even curb the drug trade in this town, much less solve a murder that’s left a killer on the loose. Outsiders never quite understand the peculiarities of Port Henry. He can only do so much.

Finally someone sees how dangerous our environmental situation is. I’ve tried bringing it to the attention of the local government, because our children and families are breathing in dangerous fumes each and every day, but I’ve never gotten a response. But if they won’t listen to the wife of the police chief... maybe they would listen to some FBI hotshot.

You watch your mouth, young lady. Didn’t your mother ever teach you how to address your elders with respect? My husband would never. He loves me. And he’s doing everything in his power to make this town safer for everyone in it.

That is a horrifying thing to say, Aurora Black. My marriage is incredible. My husband would never cheat on me.

This whole mentality is just so... sad. Rather than embracing the man-hating nature of songs produced by women in country music, we should examine the reasons why men feel compelled to cheat. Whatever he isn’t getting at home, he will go elsewhere for. When he cheats, ask yourself what you could have done differently to avoid such a tragic situation. You can’t wreck a happy home.

By Thursday at 5pm sharp, you... heathens.

I speak on behalf of every concerned citizen when I say this, and not as the wife of the police chief: I implore you and your squad to work harder. We cannot allow a man to get away with gunning down one of our upstanding citizens. There’s no place for that sort of behavior in Port Henry.

The safety of our city is in grave danger. A man nearly died. I would expect our city’s bravest and finest to dedicate themselves a bit more to this pressing cause, wouldn’t you? If the trail has run dry: wet it. The future of our city is at stake.

... Are you under the influence of any psychedelics? Hallucinogens? Marijuana?

The only thing that belongs on any sort of pole is a phone. Women don’t belong on poles. Any poles.