MarieArt

I am about to lose my shit...

I needed somewhere to post this and get it off my chest. Somewhere that family or friends won't see it so deal with me. Author note: I am not suicidal, but i have a history of ideations. I needed to post somewhere that I'm not getting fake love from people that I have attempted to remove from my life.

I'm manic depressive (bipolar). I also have anxiety and C-PTSD 🤷‍♀️ whatever... This year, mainly this month, has truly tested me. Work, mental health, and physical health.. I'm looking right at spinal surgery because my spinal cord is getting pinched off. I was told that if I even get a hard slap to the back, I can be paralyzed. There's a small window that they could operate and try to prevent it, but its a SMALL window.

Work is killing me. Clients are getting more and more demanding. Nothing but pure attitude and hatefulness. Constantly rescheduling and changing services around, saying "its not my fault that our schedules don't work", etc. They dont realize that i have 40 people; 80+ if you include their caretakers. 100+ including representatives.

After today, I have had it. I'm not going into detail about everything I've been through in my life; losing people, losing my home, failed suicide attempts, etc. But i would like to fucking know what i did to have to go through all this? What is God's big plan for me because I am sick of all this.

The country is a big dumpster fire that's on the brink of exploding. Life expenses are so fucking high that no one can survive. We're constantly looking over our shoulder wondering what's the next thing. I mean, yes, my life could be worse but when do I get a break.