Moonlit Daydreams

My sight ebbs and flows As do my vulnerabilities Or my understanding of stability You are highlight My foreplay is a treat, subconscious Our innocence is mutual at best The strokes of us leaning in You are palate My intentions, positively foiled I'm just curious and longing Peeling persona at the above last step You are olfactory My rhythm is sporadic I've never meant anything more for less A sliver of a radiant moon You are memory

Was it two steps or more that you were ahead, yet in tandem I was only ever playing catch up with my jealousy And I’d never rested until you allowed me your musings Affording me an inwards smirk at invisibly’s envy

My face looking down at yours perched so high out of reach Lungs pierced by knives while I climb towards futile Your pawn travelled the board but you never did “Queen me” Treasure your chest outclassing my chequered infatuation

So do I. Xox

One day be a part of a me who’ll deserve you

How did you serenade me without moving your lips? It was love from that night we lit like moons over plantations No retraction, what I admitted is written forever in rum Call me a fool, take hand and heart as one and run

I need you to fully understand who I am very soon. I need you to truly grasp the kind of person I am before we move on with- this; us; life. Because I don't think you get me. I don't think you understand how empty I feel sometimes. I don't think you grasp how self destructive I can be; am. I don't think you've ever wondered if my self implosion causes an explosive effect to those closest to me. I need you to start thinking. Because I don't think you've ever given me real, proper thought.

I miss everything there is to miss about you I do, I do not want to fight you as hard as I do Smelling your scent off your glowing skin You were always my favourite fragrance I wore you all day with a smile on my face Until my smile became a smirk Until my smirk became forced You wore me down to barely a grin Until I barely agreed to your demands You had almost none yet that was the most taxing The semblance of serenity you showed me relaxing The grip you had on me as strong The grip I had on you even stronger The glint in your eye catches me eyes closed Our breaths in sync with my need But all I want is to only want you

Only I could be so silly, so foolish to Spend a day, bored; Spend the day empty-headed; Spend today with nought but positive thoughts; The idea of thinking of you so far removed that it probably resides beyond my subconscious. Why would I remind me of you if I'm feeling glad? The reason I'm so silly, so foolish- Is I wait until it's beyond 4am and there's nought but the 1080p display from my TV keeping me company; Is I decided to take shelter within my subconscious; Is I know my positivity fades and you'll make it worse, but I find myself pressing keys with trembling fingers. Why the fuck do I choose a moment like this to remind myself of everything about you that is beautiful? And end up feeling sad?

They say “Breaking hearts is what we do best,” And, “We’ll make your heart be ripped off your chest” ...and have even subconsciously kind of, sort of, felt like choking up- ...and let even the tiniest corner of your heart relate to it- -then your soul and mine were one at some point in this space and time. And we are the kids who never made it.

(retox). Not this time. As I feel and ache whilst my body expels; drains the poison away- -I can't help but want to hold out my hand to you. A gesture, to show that it IS possible to build over burnt bridges. But it seems like I'm not shedding the bile as fast or as effectively as I'd hoped. And the thought of reaching out to you with an extended arm and a welcoming hand... ...I'd rather watch my limb burn.

I still think about you until the last bit of awake leaves me, always hoping that it'll carry on into my sleep and I'll dream of you.

I had to have two surgeries whilst in hospital. One on my left knee as I had a puncture wound and fluid between my joints and one major surgery on my left foot- I currently have three screws holding my metatarsals in line so they mend in the right position. There are also a few torn ligaments down there but asides from that, some high fractures and bruised toes on my right foot, lacerations around my stomach from the impact from the seat belt (I couldn't sit up properly without some help because of the bruising on my stomach), and some classic superficial wounds (scratches, etc.), I'm otherwise feeling good. My internal organs and vitals were fine when I first got in to hospital, I suffered no spinal, back, neck or head injuries...invincible. The robbery The slight downside (besides the inability to walk for the next four to six months) was that whilst I had crashed into the truck, and before the ambulance or cops came, someone had gotten into my car and grabbed my shoulder bag- rummaged through it- and stole my wallet containing all my credit cards and a substantial amount of cash, and my passport. The most important thing is that I'm alive (no one seems to believe that there was a survivor after seeing the state of the car), yes, but it takes one low as fuck fucker to think that it was anywhere near okay to steal my shit whilst I was unconscious or whatever. Wherever you are, I hope you get caught. You bought car batteries at a store in Bankstown- I hope they have a camera there and finally identify you you cunt. I care not what happens to you but if your life heads for the worse. I do not; I will not pity you. The luck in hindsight I can't even begin to describe how I feel in terms of how lucky I am. Every time I look at the photo of my car I have no idea how I survived- or how I survived with such few injuries. One of the reasons I didn't get more post trauma injuries was because, funnily enough, I was asleep. By being asleep during the impact my muscles were relaxed as opposed to tensed up- which would have probably caused more injuries to other parts of my body. I am also extremely grateful and thankful that I was the sole injured person in the accident. When I think about how differently things could have developed in the crash, that I endangered the truck driver's life, that I could've caused a bigger accident and in turn endanger other peoples' lives- if anything more had happened because of my fault, I don't think I'd have the stable mentality to take this incident so lightly and positively; and surely it would have also impeded on the progress of my rehabilitation. The thanks I have to thank whoever it was that reacted quickly at the scene and was able to get me out. It seems like it was a very tight squeeze and an almost impossible feat to have gotten me out of my car whilst it was wedged under the truck (finally, being girly skinny paid off). I just have no idea who to direct my thanks to though. I also wish my thanks upon the ambulance staff who finally woke me up and talked me through my groggy state and did a great job at keeping me calm and aware of the situation. All the hospital staff were really great in actuality and I'm eternally thankful for the treatment I received whilst in there. I'm also grateful to my employers who were pretty on the ball and took that ball to start rolling my worker's compensation claim as I was travelling home from work. Asides from filling the forms they've sent me, they've basically taken care of everything in regards to communication with the insurance company. Fingers crossed they accept my claim and I get my medical bills covered and a weekly wage whilst I'm unable to work (I'm not lazy- I'd gladly go work and be able to walk and do as I please instead of being paid to be confined to a bed). And last but not least I have to thank my friends who visited me and kept me company and brought me Mars bars, and my family who I inconvenienced at all times by asking for little favours that I was unable to do myself. The moral support I've received from everyone has been wonderful and I'm ready to take that, not feel sorry for myself, and move forward and try to recover as soon as possible. xox

Wish I could dream your siphoned screams My chest doesn't feel any easier How you constantly drain my brain Wishing I was better at speaking words I knew not existed I hate bothering you more than I hate myself Or bothering myself My head tickles when my soul and mind are bordering Each plotting targets like I was Stalingrad I don't even reside the same galaxy my consciousness does I wish I were unconscious when I see what my conscience does Or I wish it was subconscious I never RSVP'd the last supper Dangle me like tears that run dry Sigh up to the sky where you won't even feel my presence You were my favourite present And I'm still to this day paying for it

I'd a feeling I knew the way you felt But I've been so wrong before I couldn't see right So I ignored whatever I shook on my magic eight Because I didn't deserve deserving you We were part of a distrusting circle Shaking my belief in trusting what I wanted to believe No way out from behind friendly lines I pulled the chute out of a kamikaze plane You were a risk I wanted to be safe with And I never knew I was a risk for you And you waited, never hinting And without hints I misbehaved Those who say "live without regrets" Have never made choices worth regretting Your smile will never be mine, still I adore your "sad face" Maybe one day I'll be worth forgiving