power[ful]

William G.T. Shedd

I know I don’t post much to begin with but I feel negligent not using this blog at all. I’ve hit a pretty rough patch. New therapist is pushy and arrogant + my mood swings are like a grandfather clock consistently being chucked out of a moving truck across a 14 car pileup. Bad simile. I don’t care. I’m very tired.

I try to post these only on Mondays but I felt the immediate need to post this. You can find it here. Ok so let me explain. There are some unhealthy coping skills I want to curb or stop entirely, so this is kind of a report to log my triggers, check for pattern, and “check in” with my emotions and urges. The original was more neatly organized so if you guys prefer a cleaner layout please send me your email address and I’ll email you the original. time, urge, trigger -- all self explanatory. reverse thought -- think of something else, something proactive or at least healthier than what you are thinking. so if someone were to write “purge” on the urge line, a reverse thought could be, “I deserve to eat/be healthy/recover/etc.” “positive action” could be more effective as “opposite action” (with the mindset above), but I decided to write positive action instead so there’s more flexibility.

half my face is swollen due to skin issues that started when i was 19 because of a fucking medicine and i just want to cry. i hate this body so much. even in bad dreams i was never this fat or slow or ugly. i hate to be so vain/shallow but the way “i” look is seriously sickening me. i’ve done everything i can to get rid of the skin problems. i am trying to eat better and to exercise more but with the fibromyalgia it’s hard to do anything (even though moving is good for it) and i am always overheating--especially now--and the depressive symptoms make me so tired. Too anxious and broke and ashamed to go to a gym. And the skin problems are leaving me with scarring and other problems. i am so tired. my suicidality has spiked a LOT in the past week or so. i feel miserable. coping lists are not helping.

WS #4 for anyone with difficulties sleeping. Good tracker to bring into therapist/psychiatrist and/or to just keep track of what works. You can find it here.

haha everyone needs a good stretch  or rest :)