All Those Little Things

So there was this guy. He went to my church only sometimes and came to small group other times. I started to develop a crush on him. Then we started hanging out. For a month we saw each other and hung out at least 3 times a week. It was awesome. He was hilarious and so much fun. 

Then my roommates and I decided to have a party and we all got drunk and something happened between him and another guy. I also learned at this point in time that he was no longer a Christian, and I was crushed. Later I was asking another guy about him and he exploded on me and told me to not mention his name anymore and that he had ended his friendship with the guy I had feelings for. He wouldn't tell me why, just that something had happened that night. 

So then my crush disappeared. Basically off the face of the planet. I didn't know why but I had a suspicion it was because of the ended friendship. I tried texting him but all I got was radio silence. 

Fast forward 3 or more months. I am at work and here comes the guy who had become one of my best friends before disappearing. He gave me a huge hug and we ended up talking for half an hour and said we were going to hang out. The one catch, he was with another guy, holding his hand. GASP! The guy I really liked, gay or bi. One of the two. Thats totally fine. Do what you want to do, no judgement. But the guy he was with I know, he is a thief and compulsive liar. I was devastated. NO DONT BE WITH HIM! So I texted my friend and asked how he knew the guy and he said they had just met and were basically just starting being a thing, whatever that means.  

I don’t remember a lot of my childhood. I don't know if that is normal or not but I really only remember a few things. I remember when my little brother was born. My mom was wearing this jacket that I loved. (It was really long and I would put my hand in the pocket and smell it and suck my thumb whenever she wore it anywhere). She met my dad out by the mailbox to go to the hospital so that they could leave more speedily. I don't remember who stayed with us when they were gone or how long they were gone for. I don't even remember seeing him for the first time. I do remember changing his diaper once. I was trying to be helpful. I remember I always wanted to sit in the middle seat. He would be in the car seat and he would hold onto my finger as we drove. To this day that is one of my favorite things about babies. How they hold onto your finger so tight. 

I’m a twin. I remember going on a date with my dad one time. He and my mom would take turns taking us out on one on one dates. This particular one we were at A&W getting root beer floats. I remember asking why my older brother hated us. My dad replied that he didn't hate us, that when my sister and I were born he was jealous because he went from being the center of attention to being forgotten. That didn’t really seem like a good reason to me at the time. I still thought it wasn't fair how he treated us. Today though I realize it is one of the saddest things my dad has ever said. My older brother went from being everything to nothing in a day. He wasn't a twin. He wasn't new. He was tall and gawky and kind of funny looking for three year old. And it wasn't just when we were born. We kept getting the attention and the presents. That one sentence from my dad has changed how I treat children. I always used to go straight for the baby, but its true. The baby always gets more attention. If I can help kids not grow up with a brother how I grew up with my brother I would do everything in the world I could to stop it. 

I remember that we used to have this tree in the backyard that had this white puffball flowers. We would throw them at each other. I loved that tree. We also had a playlet. It had swings. I loved swings but they always made me dizzy. My parents used to have a small group come to the house. Usually we would go to bed and they would come over. They always started with worship. They would play my favorite song, Awesome God. I would sit by the door and listen to it. I loved that song. It was one of those songs that makes your soul soar. One time everyone brought their kids to small group and we all got to play on the playset outback. Then we watched Left Behind. Which was really freaky when I was just a kid. 

We had a cat too. We always have had dogs, but Fella was our cat. I loved him the most. He was a stray that my mom took in accidentally. He was the best cat I have ever had. I remember we used to have this old red porch and we would put a flower basket over this opening to it because he would run under the porch when he wanted to be alone. When he died it was awful. My parents sent us three youngest to my grandparents. When I came home my older brother asked me where Fella was. I started crying. Thats a snapshot of the kind of mean my brother was. 

My parents gave us the best birthday parties. We would always get to have our friends over and play the funnest games. My favorite was the donut game. You hung up string and then tied a powdered donut to the end, were blindfolded and then had to eat it off the string. You would have powder all over your face by the end. 

My parents decided to put a pool in the backyard. Its still there and we always had so much fun with it. But I remember when it was being built our backyard was basically sand and mud and dirt. I was out playing in it one time and I overheard my parents talking. I don't remember ever having a problem with this but I guess I used to stutter. They were talking about how bad my cousin stuttered and hoping that I wouldn't have the same problem. I must have stopped because now I only stutter if I am really fired up about something or offended. 

God gives me joy through music. I can be in the worst mood but as soon as I put on my headphones and listen to a song with the volume up God is the only thing I can think about. The world gets more beautiful. I can see the joy that I feel. I can hear the joy through the notes that are being played.