once upon a time i really, really wanted to start an arg, or at least something that involves user interaction. and by once upon a time i mean like january? february, maybe? i was bursting with creative determination, ready to put something out onto the world and let other people interact with it. so i did, and it was awesome. i was having so much fun with it, seeing everyone else's reactions, whatever
and i guess it's habit to look at your players and see what they think(this is like, what you're supposed to do, actually). or maybe just onlookers! only a select few might have the energy to play, and the rest just want to watch something go on and on, and that's 100% valid. reviews are positive, in this case. most people are up theorizing and shit, i get to see how people's brains work, it's amazing. i get to feel important! it's lovely
and then someone pipes up with something like,
"Man, I wanted to do something similar, but this random pops up and steals my thunder"
random. i responded to it when it happened still trying to play innocent, like, "don't call others randoms" because i didn't want to have my feelings being hurt be the reason i had to give the big reveal it was me behind the scenes so early. nothing really came of it, and the arg continued, and it stuck in the back of my mind. random? really? random.
when you want attention or control that bad in the first place you're bound to have self-worth issues to warrant it. so that word, random, starts to worm into the back of your mind. are you really that good, it makes you wonder? i mean, what if their attempt is better? what if you're not good enough for others to give the time of day to? what if you really are just a random?
i've cancelled that arg, left the community i ran it in, and then a few more months passed, and still that word kind of sticks with me. random? i don't want to be a random. that immense hatred of a label like that results in a sorta paralyzing fear that no matter what i do i'll end up being called a 'random'. i haven't really done anything similar to anyone since; creating anything for my friends to engage in seems like a fruitless effort
"maple," part of me says. i'm maple by the way hi, "why the fuck are you so hung up on one word someone spoke to you several months ago. it's not that deep, it's not that serious. move on." yeah i should lowkey. i value other people's opinions too much. one bad apple doesn't mean the rest of the harvest is fucked up, but harvesting one bad apple made me stop and think about the idea that the rest of the harvest is, in fact, fucked up. so then i just run inside and give up on apple harvesting forever. that's cowardly of me. i'm in the wrong for taking what was probably a joke so deeply to heart
i'm still scared of apple harvesting now, no matter how much i want to
which is lowkey super cowardly of me
