There Was An Idea

The guy living below me has a really loud alarm clock that always wakes me up at the ass crack of dawn AU

I went to investigate a scream and found my neighbour standing on a chair to avoid a rat/cockroach/snake AU

My neighbour has a really squeaky bed and my bedroom is right below theirs AU

Someone keeps stealing my doormat AU

My pet tarantula escaped and I forgot to warn the guy below me who is scared of spiders AU

I need you to pet sit my pet this weekend and I forgot to mention it’s a giant snake, the mice are in the freezer, thanks bye! AU

The apartment above me has left their tap on or something and water is LEAKING THROUGH MY CEILING WTF! AU

My neighbour’s sister got the wrong house number and barged into my apartment AU

The guy next door/my roommate always steals my coffee, so I started to make extra AU

[text]: I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS

[text]: We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out

[text]: I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.

[text]: two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.

[text]: I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass

[text]: Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.

[text]: According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.

[text]: You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party

[text]: I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.

[text]: What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"

[text]: Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.

[text]: YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.

[text]: Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.

[text]: I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.

[text]: I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...

[text]: You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it

[text]: I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool

[text]: I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.

[text]: Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.

[text]: A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.

[text]: OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE

[text]: Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.

[text]: Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him

[text]: I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.

[text]: I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"

[text]: Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.

[text]: I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.

[text]: Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.

[text]: I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.

[text]: When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.

[text]: Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.

[text]: i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?

[text]: That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.

[text]: I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock

[text]: I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night

[text]: Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car

[text]: I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress

[text]: Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?

[text]: Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.

[text]: I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there

[text]: She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?

[text]: We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.

[text]: So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together

[text]: That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.

[text]: I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that

[text]: Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant

[text]: Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night

[text]: I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.

[text]: Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.

[text]: I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.

[text]: How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..

[text]: Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you

[text]: I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family

Random number from 1-30

Mosley angst. Trigger/Content warnings will apply to most. (Domestic abuse, death, illness, Child servers.)

1. Rough sex 2. Oral sex 3. Riding 4. Teasing 5. Groping a body part 6. Grinding 7. Shower sex 8. Soft sex 9. One night stand 10. Drained 11. Unprotected 12. Role play 13. Whipped cream 14. Chained 15. Slow sex 16. Anal

"I took a blood oath that I wouldn't tell you what she said about you, but if you bring me some tequila and nachos, I might be inclined to break that oath."

"If I told you I took a picture of you sleeping last night, would that be creepy or romantic?"

"I was trying to teach myself how to knit and, long story short, I'm in the ER now."

"I don't actually know what I've done to make you hate me so much, but I don't care anymore, so either get over it or fuck off."

"I love you, but the fact that you don't like ice cream creeps me out a little."

"If you're going to McDonald's and you don't at least bring me back fries, I'll never forgive you."

"I dropped your phone in the toilet, and I'm really sorry, but I'm not reaching in to get it out, so it's just... it's gonna stay there until you or someone else gets it out."

"If you pray for someone to meet an untimely demise, and then they do, are you karmically responsible for their death?"

"I've always thought that Harry Potter was overrated."

"I'm not saying you're evil or anything, but I'm pretty sure if you crossed a church threshold you would burst into flames."

"We should have a Disney movie marathon this weekend."

"I just really need you to shut the hell up right now."

"I'm a better kisser than you are; you're just going to have to accept that as a fact of life."

"Would you rather die by drowning or strangulation? I'm just curious, not, like, plotting your death or anything, I swear."

"I would do any number of borderline illegal things to get tickets to that show."

“Do you ever think what it’d be like if we had the same marks? If it were you and me?”

“Do you love me? And not because you’re supposed to.”

“Do you think I’ll ever find it? The one with a mark on their arm saying they have to be with me?”

“Do you think there’s more than one? More than one soulmate for each one?”

“Do you think sex with a soulmate could ever be better than this? Because I doubt it.”

“Get out of work? Just tell them your soulmate needs you.”

“God, I love you so much. I know what I said before, but you’re everything I think about, everything I want, I don’t wanna turn my back on this. I don’t care what a piece of paper says or doesn’t. I’d still want this, you, if it didn’t say a thing.”

“Hell, no! You get that erased right now! It’s not me!”

"I can’t believe you’re it. From all the people- You can’t be. I hate you.”

“I got your letter. I know we never talked before, but you sent your number and… Do you think we can meet? And yes, it’s your name too.”

“I know I always say I don’t want to know, I don’t want to get it, the marker, but knowing for sure there’s someone out there for you, no matter what… I can’t say it isn’t tempting.”

"I know you’re horny. I can literally feel it. And it’s not helping me focus at all. So can’t you deal with it?”

"I know neither of us have markers, but I’m pretty sure they’d be glowing right now if we did.”

“I know this is not ideal, but I’m willing to try if you are.”

“I know you’re scared, I’m fucking scared too, but this says we got each other for life, that’s gotta be worth something, right?”

“I thought I’d never find you. Are you scared?”

“I’m scared as hell. But I still want to go through with it, I want to be able to prove it to anyone, let’s do this, let’s get the markers.”

“If I knew sex could be this amazing, I would have searched the name a long time ago.”

“If someone had warned me I would end up here… I would still have chosen you. I’ll always choose you.”

“It’s me…? Hell, it’s me. It really is me. You’re ruined.”

“Look at it! Don’t turn away. Can you see it? It’s a perfect match. I’m sorry if it sucks that it’s me. But it’s true. You can’t run from this.”

“No! No, it can’t be! That’s not-, no that’s not it… [Name] I can’t be your name… It’s not possible because… You’re not mine.”

“Our chests might not glow, but I would do anything for you, I’d go anywhere, I love you, and if that’s not soulmate material, than I don’t want to find my soulmate.”

“Okay, name one time pretending to be soulmates got us in trouble.”

"Please don’t ask me to leave. I want you so much it hurts. I never thought it could feel like this.”

“Promise me, promise me you’ll give us a chance before you go and get your mark done. Promise me.”

“So what? Just because a thing on my wrist glows I’m suddenly supposed to rebuild my whole life around you? Please. You’re fucking insane. This is fucking insane. Get the hell out.”

“This is just too hard. This soulmate thing. I know they say I’m your only chance. But I can’t do this. I’m sorry. You’re gonna have to find another way. I can’t be your soulmate.”

“We have to talk… I’ve met him/her. I’ve met the one. I can’t do this, I can’t marry you tomorrow.”

“We’re done. Mark or not mark. We’re done here. Don’t call me.”

“What if it never happens to me? Do you ever get scared about it?”

“What’s wrong?? I could feel in how much pain you were just now. God, I’m still shaking.”

“Why don’t you ever let me see it? If you have the name already, why can’t you tell me whose is it? I thought we were best friends.”

“Yes, I’m still scared! What if this is just a mistake? What if it passes someday and you don’t love me for me? What will be left then?”

“Yes, we’re soulmates! I get it, now shut up and fuck me, because I’m pretty sure it’s one of your duties.”

“You know, for someone who’s supposed to be my soulmate, you really need a new wardrobe. Or a new whole taste.”

"You know sometimes, some people, they don’t ever find a match, right? Do you still want to know?”

“You’re it okay?? I don’t know how, I don’t know why, all I know is that you’re the only one that will do, it hurts like goddamn hell, and I don’t-I just need you to let me in, please.”

"You’re my soulmate, I don’t need something telling me that.”

Give me a ship and I’ll tell you:

Who cooks:

Who does the laundry and other chores: 

How many children do they have:

Who’s more dominate:

Favorite nonsexual activity:

Their favorite place to be together:

Any traditions:

Their “song”:

What they do for each other on holidays:

Where did they go for their honeymoon:

Where did they first meet:

Any pets:

What do they fight over: