New skill unlocked! I had a short day at work yesterday, and in deciding what to do with my extra free time, I knew I wanted to do something Ghost related. So I tried out this rug tufting store at the mall. They teach you the technique, project your design on a canvas, and let you pick out the colors and go to town. There's a lot to keep in mind in rug tufting- speed and direction and pressure, and it's hard to balance them all at the same time. But I think I got the hang of it by the end!
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Just wanted to share a little of what I have been working on, could use some encouragement to keep going. This is the first proper chapter for my Ghoul Ball story, the prologue of which can be found here.
Relationship: Papa V Perpetua x female OC
Summary: V struggles to get the hang of this whole Papa thing, feeling alone and isolated from the rest of the Ministry, and feeling more comfortable with the ghouls than with any of the Siblings or what little remains of his family. The ghouls think he's given up on finding companionship, and on himself, a little too quickly, and that maybe dragging him along to the most anticipated party of the year will help him find his footing. Or at least help him lighten up a little, sheesh.
Touring was a dream. Even with all the long days on the road, the cramped quarters, the inevitable chaos involved with putting on a show this big and intricate, and his own nervousness and inexperience, all of it was worth it for those few hours Perpetua would spend on stage. Ghost’s fans had welcomed him with open arms and cheering voices. They sang his songs alongside him, they wore costumes of him, held up signs declaring their love for him, they laughed at his jokes. This was it, at last. This was what V’s life had always been meant to be. No matter what city they were in, what stage in which venue- when the music started, when the curtain dropped, when Perpetua could see the sea of faces turned toward him and radiating their joy at being there with him tonight, V was finally home.
All the practice and preparation had given him no concept of how different it would all be onstage. He felt like a different person up there, a real person, suddenly alive and breathing after decades of walking through the world as nothing but a shadow. Up there, he was alluring and charismatic, up there he was someone worthwhile. He soaked up every bit of the adoration, the love, and he did his best to reflect it back at everyone who had come there to see the ritual, to participate in what was, he was sure, literal magic.
And the ghouls were right there, every step of the way. Right alongside him giving their all, making the ritual what it was. The fans loved them too, and they deserved it, far more than Perpetua did. For all that V was welcomed and praised, without the ghouls there, he would have been nothing on his own. Just an asshole on stage, making a fool of himself telling fart jokes. The ghouls were the music, the ghouls were the ritual, and V was just grateful that somehow he got to be a part of it.
From the very beginning, the ghouls had behaved as though V belonged there, already comfortable with including him and teasing him as if he’d been with them for years. The ritual meant as much to them as it did to him, but they never let themselves take it too seriously. Even onstage, they had their little games they liked to play. They flirted with and irritated each other, they crowded into each other’s spaces, threw guitar picks at each other. They had whole conversations with each other that even V wasn’t privy to, spoken in gesture and music and what V could only describe as vibes. And if the ghouls wanted to keep playing, they did. Songs were only over when the ghouls said it was over.
But despite, or perhaps because of, their remarkably cat-like shenanigans, the ghouls always put on one hell of a ritual. And V always left the stage after the final bows, feeling just as transformed by it as the audience had been. Every ritual was the greatest night of his life.
It felt like the first half of the Skeletour lasted for years, and yet was over far too quickly. It swept through like a hurricane, and then suddenly they were packing it all up and V was right back where it had started, at loose ends in the Ministry. He was congratulated on a job well done, told to rest up for the second half, and then… nothing.
He still had practice with the ghouls, various meetings to attend even though his assistants and organizers of the tour did most of the talking, and V just had to agree to or veto the things that were presented to him. When he’d first arrived at the Ministry, V had been afraid someone was going to insist on his involvement in some of their religious services, given that he was apparently the figurehead of their church, but thus far no one had brought it up to him. Presumably someone who was more familiar with their dogma was leading their Black Mass, leaving V with plenty of free time to do… well, nothing much of anything. He read. Listened to music. Played video games. Waited until he could go to practice again.
In all honesty, they probably didn’t need to practice daily. The ghouls all knew their parts, and to his surprise, Perpetua felt that he did too. Though he had, embarrassingly, messed up a few words to a few songs while on tour, he’d gotten more comfortable with every show. He knew the cues, knew where to be so he didn’t set fire to himself when the pyrotechnics went off, was getting comfortable with the transitions and even a little bantering at the audience. Practice two, maybe three times a week would be enough that they didn’t lose it. But what V mostly didn’t want to lose was the feeling of closeness, the belonging, that he’d felt on tour. With the ghouls, with the music, V was a part of something. He was something. He was seen.
If every day, Perpetua pushed practice for a little longer, wanting to go over some song or another “just one more time,” none of the ghouls called him out on it. And every day as they wrapped up, Perpetua’s, “Same time tomorrow?” was met with enthusiastic agreement. So he was pretty sure they didn’t mind.
Having nothing else to do and nowhere else to be meant that Perpetua was often the first person arriving to the practice rooms each day. So he was surprised, one drizzly Saturday, to find not only was he not the first to arrive, but Cirrus, Aurora and Storm were already encamped in what passed for a break room, and apparently had been for quite some time. They had all ensconced themselves on the biggest of the three mismatched couches that were wedged into the room, and appeared to have made a nest out of the entirety of the ghouls’ costume wardrobe, both past eras and present.
Cirrus was wearing her Impera era steampunk-esqe helmet, the same she’d been wearing the day V had met her, but she was wearing a Prequelle outfit instead of the matching costume. Aurora was wearing the hooded robes V had seen in photos of Primo’s ghouls, but she was holding a bauta mask to her face and laughing as she peered through the eyeholes. Storm still had on his usual Skeletour uniform, but had a Meliora jacket pulled on over that, which he was attempting to button over his broad chest. The three of them seemed to be chattering quite happily in their own ghoulish language, holding up masks and pieces of outfits to each other.
V had no idea why his ghouls were playing dress-up, nor could he even speculate based on their conversation. Not only did he not speak Infernal, he couldn’t even hear it. The ghouls’ native language was spoken at a frequency much lower than what the human ear was able to detect, and trying to listen in often gave V a pressure headache, like his ears needed to pop from high altitude.
The ghouls often found human languages frustrating, complaining that they just weren’t as precise in communicating thoughts and emotions as their own. But they still usually switched over to something more terrestrial whenever V was around so as not to exclude him, which he thought was very kind of them.
They were well and truly absorbed in whatever they were doing today though, as the three of them didn’t so much as glance up from their rummaging through costume pieces, their continuous infrasonic conversation like an uneasy, haunting vibration prickling right at the edges of V’s hearing. He let them get on with it and went to see if there was any coffee.
The much-abused coffee maker’s carafe was still half full of cold coffee from the day before. V pulled the pot out and sniffed suspiciously at its contents, trying to remember who the last person to make coffee was. With his luck, it was probably Dewdrop. Dew’s taste in coffee was the same as his humor- dark, and preferably offensive. The pot did smell a little burnt. V decided not to risk it, emptying the old coffee into the sink and giving the carafe a good rinsing. He had just replaced it into the machine when Cirrus called out to him.
“Think fast, Petch!”
V turned just quick enough to catch the Imperatour helmet that she’d chucked at him, and pitched it right back at her. She caught it with a delighted laugh, waving it above her head in a sort of salute at him. He nodded back at her in turn, because that was just how it worked with ghouls. Sometimes they just liked to throw stuff at people, and at each other. Most often it was his guitar ghouls, but they all did it when the mood took them. It’s how they showed they liked you, and you learned to catch or you learned to duck. After the months on tour, Perpetua was a little proud at how fast his reflexes had gotten.
“So,” he finally guessed, as Cirrus traded the helmet for the mask Aurora was wearing, “Laundry day?”
“We’re deciding on our costumes for tonight,” Aurora said, in a don’t-be-dense-it’s-not-cute tone. When V just stared at her, a note of confusion crept into her voice, her fingers tapping rhythmically on the shell of the helmet. “For the Ghoul Ball?”
“The thing Vanessa does for the YouTube channel?” V asked. “I thought that was just during the tour.”
All three ghouls were staring at him now.
“You’re joking,” Aurora decided. She looked hopefully to the others for confirmation. “He is joking, isn’t he?”
“I don’t think he’s joking,” Cirrus said, notes of both affection and pity in her voice.
“Even I know what the Ghoul Ball is, and I’m newer than you are,” Storm said.
“How can you not know?” Aurora demanded. “There are flyers for it everywhere! The purple ones, on all the events boards!”
Oh, well. “I don’t look at the events boards,” V explained, quite reasonably, he thought.
“Why not?”
“Because I don’t go to events.”
“None of them?” the three ghouls chorused as one.
V just shrugged. He was starting to get uncomfortable with this conversation. As much time as he spent with the ghouls in practice, he hadn’t socialized with them outside of the music room. And apparently they’d assumed that he was the sort of person to have human friends. V was getting a sinking sick feeling that he was disappointing them somehow.
“Not even an orgy?” Storm asked, hopefully. “There’s like, four or five of those every week. There was one Thursday. The food was really good. And several of the Sisters were really flexible.”
“Uh, no. No orgies,” V said, wishing that maybe the ground would open up and swallow him so he wouldn’t have to have his lack of a social life dragged out for everyone to poke at some more. At least the rest of the ghouls weren’t here yet to weigh in.
“Okay, that’s it!” Cirrus had made a decision, which often did not bode well for V’s peace of mind. She pointed imperiously at him. “You’re going to the Ghoul Ball. No, don’t argue, I insist. Everyone is going to be there; you can’t just sit in your room alone all night while the whole Ministry is partying. It’s Ghoul Ball, the biggest party of the whole year, and you can’t just miss it. It’ll be fun, promise. Let’s pick you out a costume.”
I have heard this song is one of those "love it or hate it" ones, although I personally have not seen anyone hating on it. I love this song. While it might be a "stripper" song, I think it also tells an evocative story of an unhealthy relationship in relatively few lines. See below the cut for me over-analyzing lyrics, if anyone is interested:
So there are two people involved in this song. There's the Singer, and there's their Partner, and that's how I am going to refer to them in this little rant.
The opening lines of the song are my favorite. "So you want out now, don't you, love?" to me, feels like the Singer is accusing the Partner of wanting to leave, when the Partner has maybe not expressed it in those words exactly. The Partner might be frustrated with them, moving toward that conclusion, and the Singer feels their control slipping. They've probably accused their Partner of wanting to leave before, anytime they're not getting their way. "You want to leave me, you're trying to break up with me," is a control tactic, to try and get the Partner to back down.
Then there's the second line, "Was I not all you were dreaming of?" This is accusatory; it's not "oh, how can I be a better partner for you?" It's "You wanted this, and now I'm not good enough for you?" The scales are falling from the Partner's eyes, they're starting to see things about the Singer that they didn't before, and importantly, this line is the Singer making that the Partner's fault. The Singer is not owning up to their faults; they're blaming their Partner for not accepting them exactly as they are.
Then we have the two lines that are further in the song. "A man of faith is hard to find." This is another control tactic, to keep Partner from leaving. This says, "You're not going to find anyone else that will love you, I'm the only one that will be with you/put up with you/love you." And, "You showed me yours, I'll show you mine" is transactional- it's "I'll show you trust/love/respect when you show it to me first." Again, they're blaming their Partner, telling them it's their own fault they're not getting the things they want out of the relationship, because they're not putting enough work of their own into it.
And of course, there's all the references to war and fighting in the song, and that the Singer is refusing to let their Partner out of this relationship even if they want to leave. The Singer aims to overpower their Partner, get them to give up their fighting and just be under the Singer's control again. I think the song is referencing some pretty classic control tactics that occur in abusive relationships, and though the song doesn't really have a conclusion, I suspect the Partner has not escaped yet.
Anyway, so those are some of my impressions of this song! Thank you for coming to my TED talk, I hope someone out there found it interesting.
So many fun shirts can be found at thrift stores. If my wardrobe wasn't already overfull of tshirts, I might have considered bringing this one home just because it made me laugh.
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I have spent the entire evening wanting a chocolate treat and not going out and buying a chocolate treat because it's hot out and I didn't want to put my shoes on. You might not think I could spend an entire evening Not Doing something, but I have and also it's exhausting.
I am just so sick to death of AI. I am sick of cheap fake art with no soul, cheap graphic design that's made just to cut out having to pay an artist. I am sick of fast fashion and stolen designs made into garbage products for a quick buck. I am sick of having to wade through all the slop to find the good art and products that are still left out in the world. I am sick of the dirty scammy feeling everything has, looking too good to be true, having to wonder if what I am looking at is fake. I guess the proliferation of cheap trash in the world is one way to kill consumerism, or at least kill my desire to consume.
"Body and Blood" is an interesting song to me. I always picture some sort of gigantic eldritch horror creature, to whom something undying is bound to feed eternally, even against its will. I was going for a sort of biblically accurate angel arachnid thing here. And I went for Chain ghoul as the resurrected servant, who might have a little more power than the ever-hungry spider might realize.
There are so many signs in the world. When I worked in retail, one part of my job was to change the sale signs every week. That means I had to read and place every sign that our store had. It didn't mean I remembered every sale we had on, but it gave me a head start on everyone. And lots of people did read signs! Well, half read them and interpreted them wrong and then they wanted to argue that this was on sale when the sign clearly said that was actually what was on sale. I was stunned, amazed that no matter how clear I tried to make it, people would still get it wrong.
And then after retail, I actually started making signs for a living. Posters, banners, way finding, sales and events and business and school and political signs. Thousands and thousands of signs of every shape and stripe. You wouldn't believe how many kinds of things have signs! And no one, no one, NO ONE is reading them. It's visual noise. Maybe it's because there are so many that people tune them out so easily.
I have heard that reading engages a different part of the brain than something like writing does. It's like people don't even see that there's a sign there. Maybe there is a certain something that has to engage in the brain to trigger a "read this" response, and it's harder for most people to do than we realize.
Maybe that's why there are so many songs written about "seeing the sign." Ace of Base was right to get so excited about it.
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I bought a couch. A gorgeous couch. Impulsively, with only a vague idea on how to get it home. Not really anywhere to put it yet because my home is in disarray due to the kitchen remodel. I feel insane. I regret nothing.
I got to see Evanescence in concert last night. I was never a big concert goer, and for whatever reason, I had this idea that any artist I wanted to see was going to be too expensive so I might as well not even try to get tickets. Then of course Ghost went on tour and I had to see them, I had to or I would combust. Luckily I was in a place where not only did I not have to burn to ashes out of pure despair, but I could afford to splurge on VIP.
And once that seal was broken, suddenly I was like, hm, what other artists are coming around that I could go see? Oh hey, Evanescence- the soundtrack to my entire 20s. Yeah, we're going to that.
And y'all, it was amazing. The whole show, music and effects, audience enthusiasm and joy, and all these kids around me that probably weren't even born when the first CD came out. The whole thing was fantastic.
Up until! It was time to leave. Because the parking at this venue is straight GARBAGE. We sat in the car waiting for traffic to move- just move!- for an HOUR. I didn't even bother starting the engine because no one was going anywhere. It took three hours to get home from a place that took me forty minutes to get to. I could drive to Portland in that amount of time. Absolute nonsense.
But I have slept since then, so now I can focus on how great the music was again and not how bad the traffic was. Many thanks to Evanescence for being a part of my life, and I hope they enjoy the rest of their tour.
excited to announce that i'm quitting my job. we're okay enough that i can, and my job is actively fucking up my health due to management fuckery. and frankly it does not pay well enough for the inevitable hospitalization, so. Yeah!
literally the only reason i was going to stay was out of guilt related to Not Having A Job/Being A Quitter and my partner finally was like hey honey pls don't die just because your mom's criticisms live in your head lol.
anyway! Yeah! be happy for me, i have not been this relaxed in ages.
now i'll have more time/energy to write fanfic i guess lol
I found a perfect reference picture for Miasma, but it took me a while to tackle this one because I was worried I wouldn't be able to draw it. But I am really pleased with how I managed! I wanted this one to look like Order was being torn open to reveal the Chaos beneath it. So please welcome the first instrumental that I have illustrated.
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I just blazed my shop so I can try and get more sales. I am dead serious on getting this shit off the ground and if you could just Reblog that would be amazing! Every dollar and every Reblog is super honored and I appreciate everyone.
I have Teams (membership tiers), I have stuff in stock, I have art prints, art pins, physical stuff, perler bead art, more pins! Everything is made by hand! WOO! Please consider buying something or supporting me so I can actually make money from a business I LOVE doing rather than being tossed around by Capitalism’s cock!
