Mandy

somebody will choose me over everyone

somebody won’t have me as their second choice

somebody won’t have a best friend since childhood, or the most lovable person you can imagine already be their number one pick

but somebody who chooses me

the way i talk, type, text

the way i sound, speak, see

the way i look, the way i live

the way my hair falls down on my shoulders

the way my eyelashes are too short

the way my face is so chubby and round

the way people see me

the way they think about me

god i’m so sick of myself

the way i walk

the way i stand

the way i feel

the fat on my stomach

the acne on my chin

the way my skin looks in the sun

the way nobody wants me.

they didn’t fit me:/

but god i was so embarrassed to return them?? how pathetic.

so i cut them. so they would fit my chubby body

what a waste of 40$

and then i go online

a girl who’s older then me,

prettier then me

they fit her loose

and it’s not as if she just had a different size

they where one size fits all,

all i could do was compare my fat body to her thin one

he was the one my hearts dreaming of.

his dark brown eyes that reminded me of waking up in a warm cozy bed in the middle of winter.

his caramel hair he always slicked behind his ear

the way he glanced at me before i quickly looked away.

he was perfect.

the other day i told him about the things i hate about myself and god, it seems as if in real time he noticed every flaw and started to turn sick.

and all i could think about was the way he would look at me, how he sat near me but never spoke a word

the way his cologne smelled, utterly perfect

did he know how much i liked him? how could i ever tell him if i’m just too scared to even speak.

she was the one i wanted.

the way she glanced into my eyes

her blue eyes pierced back at me, but only a quick glance before she looked away

the freckles on her cheeks where like star dust that had fallen off the cosmos as god was carving her face.

her dark brown hair, how it was wavier in the back but fluffier in the front had me lighting struck, even if it was an “imperfection” — she was perfect.

the way she curled her smile whenever she was truly happy had me transfixed

whenever she’d come into school she always had a mysterious look, it intimidated me and quite frankly, scared the hell out of me.

but just thinking about her blueish eyes with a greenish tint, her freckles, her smile, her everything.

did she know how beautiful she was? because it really never seemed like it, usually pretty girls know their pretty and they aren’t so shy

the other day she was reciting the things she hated about herself…her eyes, her freckles, her imperfect but perfect hair, her smile.

it make my stomach twist knowing she never saw how beautiful she was. who would tell her how lovely she is?

if i wasn’t too scared i could tell her everything, how i feel, everything she hated about herself was utterly perfect if i wasn’t so afraid of rejection.

in my mind i believe it to be overly wild and absolutely astonishing how your past lovers treated you.

how they hurt you…breaking your heart like glass wine bottles shattered on the ground

how they were not head over heals for your bricky personality, your flattery makes me blush. how could anyone not feel this way for you?

how they were not fascinated by you as you transfix me quite, confuses me

i can’t imagine ever taking you for granted.

however you only see me as a friend

and that might not have my heart in shambles right now

it’ll be soon, because i love somebody who probably doesn’t like me back.

even in my dreams, I never imagined that I should find so much love on earth

but he’s still not over her…

he told me to eat because he cares about me

but i don’t think it’s in that way…

he’s my friend

other girls like him

reason 3176 why men fucking suck and why woman have eating disorders lols

i tried to avoid him

i couldn’t even look at him

it’s hard, to pretend like nothing happened.

he walked away and didn’t even say goodbye not even a glance

well oh boy. that felt cold.

she walked past me

it’s like she couldn’t even look at me

what did i do?

whatever. i walked away

i had hoped Saturday had not changed our friendship.

but it did, oh well.

but i couldn’t stop thinking about this one girl

she’s beautiful.

i was sorry about the other girl and why she was acting so weird

but my mind couldn’t stop thinking about her

but her stomach is flat

her hair is silky, shiny and effortlessly rolls over her shoulders.

her eyelashes can be noticeable without clumps of mascara

unlike me

my stomach is not flat

my hair is not shiny or silky or effortless

and no amount of makeup can fit how i look

of course you would look at her.

acted differently

if i was skinny

if my hips didn’t look like mountain dips

if i didn’t have a stomach that didn’t look like a chubby donut

if my hair layer effortlessly and had beautiful volume and color, and not black straw that resembled black licorice

if i was just a little quieter

if my cheeks didn’t look like a chipmunk hiding it’s earnings during winter

if my skin didn’t resemble a pepperoni pizza

if my face just….didn’t look like this.

if my arms weren’t so fat

if my thighs didn’t look like fried chicken legs with cellulite, stretch marks yet still no butt.

it’s harsh but it’s true.

this boy would like me if i was pretty.

this boy would like me if i was quieter.

this boy would like me if my stomach was flat.

this boy would like me if i my legs didn’t touch

this boy would like me if i wasn’t so messed up.

in which it might be my fate or simply my form

i always ruin things.

i try not to

but i always feel outcasted

i say

“if you were in my shoes you’d understand, the self awareness of being the ugliest, the loser, the fattest, the worst person in the room.”

but i’m always included

when theres a problem in your life,

or a situation needing to be put into the right sentence of words so it sounds correct

i am included

as if i am your own personal therapist who can help you get through anything

after i heard your rejoice and thanks i see what you share to the public

a photo of you and your friends.

you always hangout with them, you always go out

it’s a selfish thing of me to wish to be invited with these people who don’t know me

thought i seem to know them very well.