Mandy Lauderdale

You go to a party wearing a white article of clothing.  You decided to make red wine your beverage of choice.  Some douche bag bumps into you.  You pretend like it's ok.

But you'd like to wreak havoc.

Rest easy... the world is not going to end because you got wine on your clothing.  Follow these easy steps.

1.  Soak your wine stained garment in red wine (yes, WINE) for 24 hours.

2.  Rinse garment in the sink until the water runs clear.  Drink wine while doing this.

3.  Wash and dry garment and then take a serious "contemplating" pic while wearing your newly stained shirt.

I was surprised that my white t-shirt ended up being a soft lavender/grey hue after a wine soak and cold wash (thought it would be pink or light red).  I dig it.

I always get my legs shaved at a barbershop... don't you?

Ladies, fasten your seatbelts, cause I'm reinventing the Walk of Shame.

So you like to stay out late, knock back a few, and sometimes wake up in a bed that's not your own.  I get it... you're a whore.  But don't worry, we have all had our not-so-honorable moments (boys, I'm talking to you too).  

You need a whore survival kit to be a member of the Bad Girls Club.  What is in this kit?  Well I'm glad you asked.

B is for baking soda.  You can use this magical powder for more than just pissing off your cokehead friends by telling them it's the real deal.

Baking soda can be used to freshen up your stanky mouth.  Brush with your finger or just use as a gargle.  It can also be used as a deodorant and sprinkled in your shoes to work as an odor eater.  Need to wash some undergarments but don't have any soap?  Water and baking soda.  Boom!  Clean whore.  Lastly, it's a great face scrub and exfoliant, but let's be realistic... you're not going to shower after a one night stand.  You just want to get the hell out of there.

G is for grapeseed oil.  This cleansing oil is a fantastic moisturizer for any skin type and also works wonders for correcting smeared makeup so that you don't look like a trainwreck, right Courtney?

C is for cornstarch, the ultimate dry shampoo.  Sprinkle over your head, massage it in with your fingers, and voilà!  No more grease.  Do it.

Need a quick tutorial?  Not to worry... I gotcha covered:

Happy whoring.

It has happened to all of us, but it sucks the most when it happens before an important event.  Just yesterday I was advising a friend who was panicking because she's competing in a burlesque competition this weekend and her skin decided to do this:

So I told her to do this:

When your stress hormones decide to wreck havoc on your skin, don't worry, there's a solution.  Pay attention...

First of all, you need to balance the ph in your body.  Stressful times cause us to get less sleep, drink more coffee and alcohol, and eat things we normally wouldn't.  Here's how to fix what's going on inside:

First thing in the morning, drink a large glass of warm water with fresh lemon.  This cleans your liver and balances the ph in your body.  Drink lots of water all day and try to get your hands on some coconut water (not from concentrate).  No energy drinks or sodas or sugary crap.

Try to stay away from meat and dairy before your important event.  Meat, dairy, and processed foods create a VERY acidic environment in your body causing you to be bloated as well as causing your skin to break out.  Additionally, your waist will thank you.

Lots of fruits, veggies, healthy grains (quinoa), seeds, beans, and nuts.

If possible, cut back on the coffee (if you drink coffee).  Coffee is dehydrating while also creating an acidic environment and it clogs your liver.  An apple will actually wake you up better than a cup of coffee (and you won't crash). 

  I'd tell you to cut back on alcohol but let's be realistic here. :-)  If you can, only drink vodka and red wine when you want to indulge.  Vodka, lime, and soda is ideal, cocktail wise, because the lime cleans your liver, the soda is somewhat hydrating, and the clear vodka isn't that bad for you (in moderation, of course).  Red wine can give you some antioxidants and relax you.  Stay away from whiskey, scotch, gin, rum, and beer as well as sugary mixers.

If you have time to get some exercise it will benefit you all over.  A good sweat will purge the stress hormone (cortisol) and turn on the "feel good" juice (endorphins). 

Now, how to clean your skin from the outside in:

After you wash your face, exfoliate with baking soda.  It is just abrasive enough to be exfoliating and it topically balances your skin.  Use a washcloth, water, and a tablespoon of baking soda and gently massage into your face and neck in circular motions.  Don't scrub too hard or you'll regret it.

For your breakouts, after you have exfoliated with baking soda, put some fresh lemon juice on the blemishes.  After the juice has dried, dab a carrot on them (break open a carrot and use the wet, inside part).  Trust me, this works.  The lemon is cleansing and delivers vitamin C and the carrot is healing because it delivers beta carotene (vitamin A, the "skin vitamin").  

If you want to go the extra skincare mile, you overachievers should do this: Take 2 beers (yes, beer) with you into the shower.  1 of the beers is for your hair and the other is for your body.  AFTER you wash your hair and body, pour one beer over your head and massage it into your hair.  Pour the other beer over your body and scrub your skin with a loofah or exfoliating gloves.  Take your time doing this and don't forget your face.  Rinse the beer out of your hair and off your body (don't wash, just rinse).  Pat your skin and hair dry and then continue with your skin and hair routine.  You will be soft as butter and no, you will not smell like beer (I promise).  The hops is exfoliating while the yeast is healing and moisturizing.  And yes, you can have a few sips in the process... I always do.

Not getting a gig because I look too much like Kathy Griffin.  Yes, seriously. Being serenaded by Tiffany with “I Think We’re Alone Now."  She was my very first musical influence as a kid. 

An audience member telling me that he was glad to find out I wasn’t a tranny.

After being interviewed by Howard Stern, and receiving the usual inappropriate questions he’s been known to give, him coming over to me, giving me a hug, and “making sure I was ok.” 

Carmen Electra and I shared the same stylist while co-hosting a show together.  The stylist would often hem a shirt too short to cover Carmen’s very large chest, so she would give it to me and would then have to hem it even more because it hung on me like a dress.

  Some guy tossing his wedding ring in the air while I was singing to him. He told me later that he had planned on tossing it in the river (caught his wife cheating earlier on that day) but decided to do it right then.

Jay Leno asking if there was a ready supply of Valtrex on the island. My dad wanted to punch him in the mouth for making fun of me on national television, but at the time I didn't know what Valtrex was for.

Forgetting the last name of the mayor of Austin when I introduced him at an award show. Walking out of an FHM photoshoot because the outfits they provided were NOT what was discussed. 

Ashton Kutcher telling me that we had to leave a party (where we were judging a dance contest) because it was getting “too wild.” Ashton has a “too wild” meter. Yelling for security when I actually needed it and my band laughing at me because they thought I was kidding (I yell for security all of the time as a joke). We now have a “safe" word.

”Grooming” Regis Philbin’s nose while being on Live with Regis & Kelly. He was so embarrassed that he walked off set and they cut to commercial.

Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog, asking if the carpet matched the drapes.

Grabbing an audience member by his tie, forcefully pulling him close to me, and both of our mouths slamming into my microphone. He busted his lip and I chipped my tooth. Still have that chipped tooth. 

Making the "Worst Dressed" list in US Weekly.  Still proud of that.

Mike Tyson asking to take a picture together because "You're so white and I'm so black... I think it will make a good photo."  Not kidding.

Martin Short jumping on top of me in a green room and pretending to make out with me.  Little did I know that there was a hidden camera and it was being broadcasted live on TV.

Making the difficult decision to not pose for Playboy because I didn't want my mechanic to see me naked.  Seriously... that was the reason.

Snoop Dog and I were guests on MTV's TRL the same day. I did not know this until I accidentally ran smack into him.  I looked up and said "Hey Snoop."  He didn't say a word, just smiled and nodded, eyes glazed over.

Mama Lauderdale's garage is full of treasures.  On a recent trip to Atlanta, I found a box of old trophies:  her beauty pageant trophies and my dad's skydiving trophies.  Yahtzee!  I immediately thought of this pin and decided to give it a go.  I called Riley Ekman, who can make anything, and he took it from there.

Step One:   Grab a chainsaw and cut a piece of wood for which to mount the trophy heads.

Step Two:  Remove trophy heads from trophy stands. 

Step Three:  Spray paint all of them gold.

Step Four:  Attach the heads to the wood.

Step Five:  Hang the rack and then hang whatever you'd like from it.

Oh the things I find in my mom's garage.  I about had a heart attack when I found this footlocker buried underneath a slew of boxes.  It's my grandfather's footlocker that he used in WWII.  

I immediately asked my mom if I could have it and she said "Of course!  But what are you going to do with it?"  A devilish grin appeared across my face.  I packed it up, took it to FedEx, and shipped it to Austin.

I called my creative partner in crime, Riley Eckman, and asked him if he could make this trunk into a table.  Of course he could... Riley can make anything.

First, we ordered the legs.

Then primed them.

And lastly painted them a flat gunmetal grey and attached them to the bottom of the footlocker.

And voilà, WWII footlocker table.

Sounds like a bad porno, doesn't it?  

Several years ago I was inspired by these stools that I saw on apartmenttherapy.com:

Yes, they're amazing.  But after some deep internet digging, I realized that they looked better than they functioned (way too heavy, could tip over, and are uncomfortable).  So, I hired  super talented welder extraordinaire, Riley Eckman, to help me improvise.  

First, we had to find some truck springs that could hold the weight of a human being.  My buddy Shannon and her husband scored 2 from a Dodge 3/4 ton pickup.  

Since I needed 3, I made my first trip EVER to a salvage yard... and traded in my stilettos for a pair of combat boots.

And then went on a scavenger hunt with my new friend, Ricardo.  It didn't take long before we found what we were looking for.

He was a little surprised at my excitement... and that I asked him to take a picture of me with my new suspension spring.

Saw this on my way out of the salvage yard:

Only in Texas.

Next up: seats to go on top of the springs.  How about ergonomically correct tractor seats?  

And finally, a base.  What about trailer rims that had to be painstakingly dug out of the ground?  (Riley is amazing, did I mentioned that?)

Add a blow torch and some paint, and voilà!  (Btw, after this pic was taken we lined the top and bottom rim edges with dark grey dishwasher hose so that it wouldn't scratch the floor or cut bare feet.  We sealed it with grey epoxy.)

I plan how I improvise.  Contradiction, I know.  The reason I do this is because 70% of my show involves the audience, so I have to be ready for anything.  I prepare for certain shenanigans to go this way or that and practice how I will handle different situations.  But just when I think I'm in control and have mastered the art of "planned improvisation," the unexpected happens.

I hosted the Austin Fashion Awards in the summer of 2010.  It was my first time hosting an award show.  I was very excited and extremely nervous, to say the least.  To kick off the show, I was wheeled out in an old wardrobe trunk while the "Pink Panther Theme" played over the PA.  As that song faded out, an instrumental version of "It Had to Be You" came on, which was my cue to pop out of the trunk and start singing.  All was going fabulously, until this happened: