“The Rain Is Full Of Ghosts Tonight”

Song: lavender blood by fox academy

Syp: you’re going through it, and it’s not easy. Felix is there with you through it all. And one day, ragged and tired, he talks to you. You’re not sure how to feel…

A/n: hi everyone!! It’s Buggie! So uh I’ve not write anything in about a year or two and I just felt really drawn to write this. Some personal experience thrown in. 2020 was rlly difficult for everybody and I hope you’re all safe. Keep reading will be added when I get my laptop back up lol

Warnings: GENDER NEUTRAL READER, depression, a good friend, talk of therapy, songfic, cute fluffer at the end, NO MENTIONS OF C0VID!! It doesn’t exist in this world lmao.

“Nervous demeanor. Please make things cleaner.”

January 2020, Capitalism at its peak.

Picture it, 2020, the beginning of January. Before your life went to shit. You’re drinking your daily dose of soda while sitting next to your best friend. Neither of you are engaged in conversation, you’re both literally on your phones doing whatever. It’s peaceful.

“Bro, watch this tiktok.” Your voice sounds flat as you send Felix the video for him to watch.

Felix doesn’t say anything when he opens the message and watches the video. You’re gauging his reaction before smiling when his boisterous laugh comes out.

“Haha yes!” And that was the whole day before he went home.

—

“Fill me with dirt, whatever makes you worse.”

November 2020, when shit hit the fan out of nowhere.

It’s a bit cloudy outside when you and Felix meet up. He’s got your regular drinks and you have the food. You’re both sitting in his car listening to The Smiths, eating and talking like normal. When, you stop eating. You’re feeling sick and the world is suddenly too much for you.

You’re still and yet your body feels like it’s moving. You feel dizzy and angry. The tears gathered up in your eyes and spilled uncontrollably. Your chest was tight, heavy. You could barely breathe.

“Y/n! Hey, hey, hey, what’s wrong?”

You can’t speak. You want to scream so hard but you can’t. It’s silent, it’s all silent and it’s too much. Too loud. Two shaky breaths barely calmed you enough to talk.

“What the fuck?” It’s all you can say. You don’t know where this came from, you don’t know why. But you’re struggling now. You want to rip Felix apart for not talking to you, for not asking you if you were ever okay until just now. You want to hug him too. He was comfort in ways your family wasn’t. He was home. And he felt suffocating.

“Are you okay? Can you breathe alright? Do I need to get you anything?”

He’s worried and it makes you angry. It’s embarrassing too. But you don’t tell him that you want to hug him and hit him at the same time. You tell him you’re okay, that it was a random attack and that you needed him to drive you home.

So Felix does.

—

Lavender is always running through my blood. I've had enough I'm cold and it is dusk. Turn into dust, it's dripping from my gums. It's not enough

New Year’s Eve, 2020-2021

Felix was laying on your couch when you walked in with two sodas. He looked exhausted, completely out of it. You knew why.

Last night was one of the worst panics you’d ever experienced. It was triggered by a video you’d got recommended. It was downhill from there really. Felix had been there to help you calm down. To regain your strength and be able to breathe. Then, when you calmed down enough to look him in the eyes, you saw what you feared.

It looked like he was angry at you for having another attack. Like he was apathetic, that he’d rather be anywhere else than with you. And you couldn’t blame Felix. You hated them too. You hated feeling like you didn’t have control over yourself, and needing Felix to come to your rescue. You hated seeing that look in his eyes.

And now, seeing him exhausted on your couch, you wanted to break down again. But you didn’t. You saw how much it impacted him last time, so you tried being careful. You’d think other thoughts and distract yourself from the reality of things. It seemed to work, but it didn’t always feel right.

“You better watch yourself, sir. Or I’m confiscating this caffeine.” Your tone of voice had been playful. It seemed to work on him as he sat up to get his drink.

Lately your facades had been better around Felix. You came off as more playful and humorous. The best coping mechanism right? Never let someone see you suffer, never let them see you vulnerable. Because one day, they’ll leave and take away all you had with them.

The night rolled on as you and Felix watched your tv show. Not much was said besides the occasional laughter and getting up to get food.

Although, the air felt different the later it got. It was stagnant but buzzing. The air in your lungs filled up all the space that was available, and let it out as a sigh. You could feel the shame building up, but you knew you had nothing to be ashamed for. It was normal to feel sad right? For months and months with no end in sight. Right?

“Stay neat and healthy. You need to help me.”

April 2021 When it all spilled out.

Yelling. That’s all it was. It was yelling and screaming and crying. So much being thrown at your heart emotionally, you couldn’t deflect it anymore.

Felix stood there, hands at his sides and clenched. His breathing was heavy and his face was red. He was pissed off and it was all because of you.

“I can’t take responsibility for you! I’m tired of being your rock. I can’t even breathe anymore. It’s ‘is y/n okay? Are they having another attack?’ Over and over!” He doesn’t shout, just raises his voice to show emotion.

“Y/n, you’re making me responsible for your fucking baggage. You’re making me responsible for your feelings and your life. I can’t make you love yourself, I can’t make you get better, I can’t take away all this pain like I want to.”

Felix’s eyes are filled with tears. His voice is shaky, broken and raw. The yelling took all his energy out. He knew in the moment he hadn’t used the right words, he could’ve found better ones. But the overwhelming need to breathe was more urgent than his wording. It hurt to listen to him. You wanted to runaway. But who would you run to? You always ran to him. Your home.

“Y/n, you’re depressed. I can’t help you. You have to help yourself. You’re strong enough to get through this. Please, get some help.”

You grimaced, face twisted in disgust. You weren’t sure he was right, but a part of you screamed that he was. But he sounded so heartless and your body reacted too quickly to respond calmly. ‘How could he be so rude?!’ You thought. But he was right. It felt like he wasn’t supporting you anymore.

That he didn’t want you anymore. Your home was kicking you out.

“Fuck you, Felix! Leave! Just leave me alone like your wanted to forever! Don’t love me anymore!!”

And, like a bad habit, you pushed him away and locked him out. Both physically and emotionally.

“Learn how to carry myself. Place something on the top shelf. Save it for later.”

May 2021 Reckoning.

“Are..you okay..?”

“I’m fine.”

A nod came from your mother. Acknowledging that you in fact, were not. She put down her phone completely and turned to face you head on.

“You don’t have to talk to me. But you can find someone to talk to. There’s tons of good people out there who want to hel-“

“No. I’m fine.”

Wordlessly, you got up and went to your bed. You put in your earbuds and turned up your music. If you couldn’t physically stop your thoughts, you’d drown them out with depressing music.

The next day came around slowly. Birds chirped, cars drove by, and alarms went off. Your mother’s footsteps were heard in the kitchen, the smell of food cooking waking your senses up.

As per usual, you took to your daily bathroom routine. Peeing came first. Sitting down and doing your business while trying to make your mind work, a thought crossed your mind.

‘I’m tired. I’m ready to move on.’

The thought spiraled you into a mini frenzy, albeit a tired one. Since when did you want to get better? Wait, when did you know you weren’t okay? Questions came up and were answered. All questions led to one big one sign. It was shouting st you, highlighted in the brightest yellow, arrows so big pointing to the solution.

Finishing up your routine and rushing down the stairs for food, you looked at your mom. Then, down at your food.

“I wanna talk to a therapist.”

“Lavender is always running through my blood. I’ve had enough, I’m cold and it is dusk. Turn into dust. It’s dripping from my gums. It’s not enough.”

June 2021 Chlorophyll.

Therapy continued on. You liked your therapist. They were kind and understanding, they listened and heard you. They cared about you, but made sure you understood that you didn’t “dump all your problems” on them. Being heard and helped felt so cleansing.

Talking through your trauma wasn’t easy, but it was proving to be worth it. You were understanding yourself. Past, present and future. You knew why you acted like you did and why you feel certain ways. You learned helpful ways to help with your anxiety too.

You were growing. Growing to become better. It wasn’t the end of the road but you had a road to travel at least. And that made a world of difference.

Working on yourself helped you understand where Felix was coming from. He wasn’t demonizing you, pushing you away or being unsupportive. He was supporting you. He supported you by telling you the truth. He was being your friend by setting boundaries and letting you know that it wasn’t his responsibility to deal with your emotions.

You don’t regret what you two went through. It tested you and helped you. You didn’t have to like it, you really hated it, but that big build up helped you two explode. And your explosion pushes you into a direction you didn’t know you needed so much. You were grateful for him.

Texting Felix wasn’t as easy as movies made it seem. But it wasn’t as difficult as tv shows made it either. Texting him those few words, ‘can we talk in person?’, felt relieving. Even if it made your stomach crawl slightly. This was the right thing to do.

June 2021, on the weekend. The Ace of Cups

Nothing could prepare you for the moment you saw Felix at your meeting spot. Hands stuffed in his jacket, kicking rocks, looking at the ground. Throwing up was your second option, running your third.

Your first option was to talk to him.

“Hey..”

“Uh hey. Are you okay?” He was awkward and uncomfortable. You couldn’t blame him.

“Well, no. But I’m better.” You didn’t let him talk just yet, not wanting to lose the minor confidence you gained.

“I won’t be okay for a while. I’m working on it though. I’m not giving up. And I’m sorry. You were doing what you thought was best and so was I. I never meant to hurt you and I’m sorry.”

“It’s oka-“

“It’s not. And I’m sorry. I made you deal with my pain and I shouldn’t have. I didn’t know how to deal with it all, and I thought I was better to not deal with it at all.”

Felix intently watched you ramble on and on. Slipping a million apologies in your sentences and tearing up a little. He smiled, a sad one but kinda proud too.

“Thank you. It means a lot to me.”

You shuffled your weight from one foot to the other.

“So..yeah. I just wanted to tell you all this and ask if we could be friends again like before?”

“Y/n, we can never be who we were weeks ago. But we never stopped being friends. I’ll always love ya!”