The only way out was to give in.

No one understands how much I cannot do this any more.

I am so sick of the limited liquid and soft foods diet I am limited to. Every time I try real solid foods there is quite a bit of discomfort, bloating, nausea, and it feels like there is a brick in my stomach. My initial appointment with the gi isn't until September. Im sure testing, diagnosis and treatment won't happen until well after that. There are so many things that could have triggered it: history of eating disorder, glp1 use, post-viral effects. I feel like I did this to myself.

The option of php or inpatient was extended. I need to figure out if I'll have insurance. Also D got passed because it costs money we won't have without my income.

Ugh. Why am I this needy. Throughout this my therapist has been pretty open and responsive to texts even though I expressed my worry about being a pest/burden. He encouraged it. Now that I've gone mad and agreed to go back there has been radio silence except for a text a out when his day finished and we could talk then. He did no reach out after so I let it go until I was really agitated later that night and then again this am. There has been no acknowledge or response. Now I feel like I failed because I can't stay here and there is more safety if I go back to potential arguments. They don't talk to each other or me. Just to Elektra. They spend their days playing puzzles on their tablets, reading, or putting an actual puzzle in silence. The feelings of being small, invisible, and a burden is too much. At least D cares enough to try and help even if it becomes too much for him at times and he blows up. At least his anger ends. Their indifferent and judgement does not. If only I could afford my own housing but I am so far from that.

I feel defeated. I belong nowhere. I really want an exit but there is no way that won't cause pain to others. I am trapped

I don't know what's worse being here or there. Today my mom seriously asked me to order a side of white rice for lunch and my dad isn't eating because my mom snapped at him because she couldn't hear him when trying to order. How is it the woman who can barley eat tries to eat more than healthy adults.

I'm so tired, but I can't sleep (Standing on the edge of something much to deep). No, seriously I can't sleep without the Caplyta I left behind. I just hope zi can drive later. I'm so stupid for forgetting. My bad of meds

I keep feeling like my life is a Kobayashi Maru exercise leaving me wanting to be Schrödinger's cat. It would be so much easier to disappear and be both alive or dead. I however would know how to disappear/go off the grid. I feel like I'm getting his hopes up while I'm collecting all the missteps. I am so afraid to go back to be screamed at, put down, and threatened with abandonment. But there is no way to know if it happens without trying. I don't want to try because it is likely to be the end. I am already grieving what we were and what brought us to this point. I'm fucking angry he only now started to share his feeling even though I've asked similar things before. I can't get my emotions or my head on the same page. I fear I will run in circles forever because I do care because I feel responsible for his wellbeing, and because giving up means I'm failing. I'm try to be patient. Trying to figure out how to care for myself and do things I enjoy but everything is impossible. I brought drawing stuff, signed up for a few yoga classes, and grabbed a few books. It just doesn't seem fair to possibly enjoy things when I know I caused him pain. I think maybe the guilt around this or in general would be a good target for EMDR.