Mallows and Chocolates

I have ten pillows, two of which are squeezed into one large pillowcase. I stacked them like a pyramid, and I felt like landing on them, which I did. Then I ended up rolling like an egg. I was expecting it to spread out and hug me in the middle. But the stack stayed intact. I guess I'm too small. Egg roll.

I found a really cute bag that looks like a stash of books, but I don't want to buy it until I get on campus. I don't feel like I deserve a bag as cute as that without a PhD offer. Come on now, PhD offer, I want to wear cute bags and university outfits daily. I'm just always wearing something white and knitted, as well as denim shorts and skirts at the moment, like Ro in Barbie as the Island Princess. My inner teenage Moana is just longing to get off this island permanently, singing how far I'll go. I might end up standing to sing along to that song in July with tears in my eyes. Nonetheless, it's not like either my mom or I can travel immediately when I'm sad. I have the companion I like most here.

Earlier, the highest-ranking ad executive at ITV in the UK paused briefly to answer my question and was particularly pleased that someone had challenged his provocations after hearing several others' questions. He also shared that he had met with a regulatory lawyer before coming to our class, and what they had discussed. My question, which was actually a counter-argument, probably sounded like the lawyer's response. Basically, he defended his provocation. In the last question, he described the kind of person he would hire... I'm the only one whose LinkedIn request he approved, and the rest of my classmates are following him. Why is it that the people who always like me or have a good first and lasting impression of me, from the heads of academic institutions, professors, and company executives, always have diverse backgrounds? I don't need to share myself; just from our conversation, they know I'm like them, whose background has just gone everywhere. And no one has ever predicted it properly. I don't have those sensibilities yet. My relationships would be far more satisfying when, like them, I finally learn to see myself correctly in others.

Dating? Those who only date people they find physically attractive would know that being happy in a relationship is so much more than seeing a beautiful face when they wake up. Companionship is also about falling asleep with someone's ideas and experiences within the day, which can also contribute to your maturity and growth into a better person and partner. The short term connects to the long term, and does not deviate from it, unless there's a better option. Because it gets confusing when it changes often. And it keeps changing because the other person does not know how to do it and is too proud to take advice. The expectations are clear, and there's respect for who you are. There's respect when you don't need the other to accomplish your needs. I guess that's why my parents, my grandparents, and all the people around me are content in their marriage. That's not cultural. They have their own, and it's more than enough to share with someone who really does not need it. The excess is a gift. And it really is because there's no expectation to receive it. No one scores it. It was freely given and never asked.

People have different struggles in getting a PhD. I could either give up that dream of attending an old, top university and finally be with people who have far more experience than I do, which God is guiding me anyway, or compromise by attending a lower-ranking university. I cannot be defined by where I studied, but even if God sends me to a place I do not wish to be, I know the outcome will be better than I have imagined. I just really want to sit in a dark, beautiful library and stare at a gloomy, majestic environment outside. Read books in a serene environment and feel the cold grass beneath my feet. The arrogance of highly competitive people also feels good, for some reason. I call an environment like that my Lion's Den, but I feel peace around them. The debate that comes with highly strategic arguments also feels refreshing. Nonetheless, a final paper without a correction feels good as well. I do not wish to spend my days walking around campus during lectures again. I want to listen, be amazed, ask a series of questions, get some decent answers, and not be asked to go to the library for them. "That will be your assignment." I do not wish to hear that diversionary tactic. It feels better when the person says, "I do not know," before I embark on my journey to the library, which I always do anyway. I remember my global political economy professor's teaching. When they [the government] asked a question, I should say, "I will research it," smile, and come back with a plausible answer and presentation. And prepare for counterarguments. Predict. Exhaust all angles. Grill the presentation before they do. Those Lasallians did prepare me. Do not compromise. Surely, all those abstracts accepted to professional research conferences in Tokyo, Singapore, Mexico City, and Bremen are God's baby steps. I'm excited for more to come when the 2027 conferences open around September. God can send me to every corner of the world if He wants.

Last night, I was staring at the adapter of my Australian device's charger, and it had some rust, which was unusual. I had it for five years and used it overseas. The charger was also warm, so I placed it in the freezer for a few seconds until it reached room temperature. Today, I boiled my cocoa tablea in an old, small pot, and the handle fell off when I lifted it. I remembered the screw that was rusting from the adapter. It was the same part of the pot that had rusted, causing the handle to fall off. I was safe. I can't count how many times something similar happened to me, but I was always far from danger each time. I just want to thank Jesus every time I get a warning, and even if I don't know what it is, the Lord reminds me that I'm only safe because of Him.

The guy in Over the Moon in Love looks gorgeous. He looks like Geoff Eigenmann, my childhood crush. Their lineage is gorgeous... Oh Lord.

Returning to Egypt means returning to slavery. God never intended it as a final destination. From Moses to Jesus, it was only a sanctuary when it was unsafe where they were meant to stay. God was merely preparing the land He promised during those times.

Coke and fries made my day! It instantly removed my headache.

I've just noticed that many of the meaningful podcasts I enjoy are Baptist, Evangelical, or Reformed — and sometimes they cover all three! It's inspiring to think that God supports them for a wonderful purpose: to bring hope to people.

Mom's going to be promoted to full professor, and I'm happy. Then I had a dream about my crush, and he was carrying a five-year-old, which hurt. Then I saw my ex from a distance, and I ended up crying. I don't remember his voice or face, even though I was with him daily for a year. I don't know what God is telling me. I'll return to studying and get my head straight on what's most important. I want my mom's titles.

Never forget to appreciate help, which is often more useful than a gift. Everyone deserves to be appreciated for doing beyond what is expected.