Mallory Gets Healthy

So how’d I do?

No pop? Check

Drink water? Check

Fitbit? FOUND

Logged food? Check (even the stuff I didn’t want to admit!)

Biggest Loser competition starts today at work and we had our initial weigh in. While I’m not at the big, scary ROUND number I’m not at a good place. But it’s a start!

Starting Weight: 391.8

Long time no write.

So 2016 was kind of the worst, right?

What I like to do, instead of resolutions, is to have themes for the year. One year it was “be nice to myself” another was “try new things”...this year is “make better choices”.

One of my better choices is to delete Twitter from my phone.

Another is that I went and took a walk around my work’s walking track today.

Tonight, I’m going to try to not drink any pop.

It’s now day 4. Ate my standard egg bake and some nuts. Feeling not as hopeless as I did yesterday. But let’s talk about my future with Whole30.

It’s been too much of an adjustment too fast. I’ve struggled through excuses the last few days and have decided that I’m not mentally prepared for this. I am in awe of people who are able to get through it.

So right now, my plan is to get through tomorrow on plan and then re-evaluate. 

Does this mean on Saturday I’m going to eat nothing but taco bell and ice cream? No. No it does not.

It DOES mean, I’m probably going to go ahead and ease some food back in so I have options that don’t involve 3 hours of prep on Sundays. 

It means I’m going to keep drinking water and not get back into pop.

It means choosing to get broccoli or fruit instead of fries when I go out to eat.

It means, if I want a handful of cheez-its or something, I’m not going to beat myself up for it and I’m not going to eat an entire box either.

It means if we do end up driving through somewhere, I get one or two things - not five. 

It means, if I get hungry later, I reach for veggies or a hard-boiled egg instead of a microwave burrito

It means I get whole grain pasta and measure out portions. That I get better bread options than white bread. 

It means I keep bringing my lunch to work. And incorporate more veggies. 

It means I keep trying new things to find new, fun options.

It means I don’t let my happiness depend on food.

It’s only been four days...but I see a lot of areas I need to work on. That I need to remember that food is fuel, not entertainment. Maybe when I get through tomorrow, I’ll decide to keep going. Maybe this ends up being me re-evaluating everyday and deciding to keep trying. But I’m not going to put this pressure on myself to stick to this program when it had me crying at my desk. That’s not good for me either. 

Self love. Self care. 

Things are about to get real up in here.

This process has been a struggle for me. Way harder than I thought. I think I’ve picked a far too intense program to try to start eating better. Though at the same time, I think that intense is what I need.

Yesterday, day 3, sucked. A lot. There was a lot of crying.

I felt overwhelmed and stressed and I am SO SICK of cooking. I’m SO SICK of meat. Then I was feeling like people would be mad and disappointed at me if I quit. Basically I was fighting a war with myself.

Also, I have this need to be perfect. I expect a lot out of myself. More than any reasonable person could accomplish. And this program is based around eating perfectly for 30 days and it’s not a healthy thing for my mindset. 

However, I didn’t give up.

Breakfast: Egg bake and some coconut oil

Lunch: Chicken, steamed veggies and coconut oil

Dinner: Cod, 2 potatoes & coconut oil

After some pep talks from my husband and my friends @jessydoesafitness and @tedbigsby (he’s 15 days in and a real inspiration!) I feel better.

FUCK Day 2. Just fuck it right up it’s stupid ass.

I go shopping because the husband needs some food. I’m already down in the dumps and regretting this whole process and then I’m at the grocery store just being inundated with food options that I can’t have. Cheez-its, cookies, cheese, bread. Worst of all, I have to buy some of these things. Bread for husband’s lunches, goldfish crackers so he has snacks. I manage to NOT buy any junk for me (I did pick up the stuff for making my own mayo though). I drive home. Tired, pissed and hating this whole thing. I get into the apartment and the oven clock is blinking.

Because the power went out.

Including the power to the crock pot where the meatballs were being made.

The meatballs that I painstakingly made by hand and got really excited about. The meatballs that made my hands smell like onion and garlic for a full day. RUINED.

I’m not too proud to say I cried for a bit. I was tired, I was frustrated and I just wanted to be done. I texted my husband and told him what happened. Then told him this was it, I was done. He texted back with “No, we’ll figure something out”. So I took a deep breath, cut up 4 chicken breasts and put them on the stove to cook. Then went and laid in bed for 15 minutes to wallow.

I didn’t give in. I didn’t surrender. I still don’t know if I can do this for the 30 days. 

So far so good.

Yesterday was rougher than I pictured. After a talk with @jessydoesafitness I think part of the depression I was feeling was because my lunch was pretty sad. Cold veggies are no fun, you guys. I didn’t give in and get taco bell or eat goldfish or anything like that. So, that’s what I call a win!

I will say, it’s helped illustrate the power that food has over me.

Today I have some meals I’m looking forward to!

Breakfast - Egg bake, salsa and 1/2 an avocado. Turns out, the texture of avocado is pretty BLERGH but I can power through.

Lunch - Leftover chicken, leftover veggies (warmed up this time) and the other 1/2 of the avocado

Dinner - Crock pot meatballs and tomato sauce, MOAR VEGGIES and probably some clarified butters to top them with

Other than a sudden, intense urge for some cheez-its yesterday I’m doing ok on cravings. I will say when my husband cracked open a can of pop yesterday, the sound made me want a coke for about ten seconds.

So I’ve started it.

Meal 1 - Egg bake (eggs, zucchini, broccoli, cauliflower, mushrooms) and some olives.

Meal 2 - Leftover steak and asparagus, kale & mushrooms plus some cashews.

Meal 3 - planning on doing some chicken and saute-ing some veggies. Will be doing a 1/2 avocado for the fat.

How I’m feeling. 

I was doing fine this morning, a bit excited even. Now though, eating these cold leftover veggies (that aren’t great) I’m kind of depressed and regretting it. I don’t do well with restrictions. And all I want to do is rebel. 

A few more days and then I’m going gun ho! I’ve been talking to my pal, @jessydoesafitness​ and she suggested that I get a meal plan figured out so I’m not floundering out of the gate. 

She is brilliant.

I opened up my evernote and started with Monday...and guys, it’s a good thing I did because I was already stumped! It’s hard to remember that it’s not JUST dinners. It’s all day. Here’s what I came up with though...

MONDAY Breakfast - Egg bake, handful of olives

Lunch - leftover steak, leftover veggies, 1/2 avocado

Dinner - Crockpot meatballs & sauce. Roasted mushroom, kale and asparagus TUESDAY Breakfast - Egg bake, handful of olives

Lunch - Leftover meatballs, veggies, handful of nuts

Dinner - Chicken breast, frozen veggies sauted in coconut oil and 1/2 avocado WEDNESDAY Breakfast - Egg bake, handful of olives

Lunch - Chicken, steam in a bag veggies, nuts

Dinner - crock pot chuck roast, veggies, nuts THURSDAY Breakfast - Egg bake, handful of olives

Lunch - Leftover roast, veggies, nuts

Dinner - Lettuce wrapped hamburgers,  diced potatoes with clarified butter FRIDAY Breakfast - Egg bake, handful of olives

Lunch - Leftovers

Dinner - Taco meat, peppers, lettuce, taco sauce, salsa, olives (taco salad)

I should probably vary it up a bit but I like the simplicity of cooking a big dinner and having leftovers for the next day. 

Real talk: I hate getting up in the morning. I put it off until basically the last second so I think the egg bake is going to be a lifesaver until I work at getting up a bit earlier.

I haven’t even started the program yet and I’m already regretting it. One of the things I HATE about trying to turn things around is how much I overthink everything. Already I’m tired of thinking about food and what I can eat and what I can’t eat, etc etc etc.

I know that the Whole30 program is supposed to help with this. Food is such an emotional thing for me that the idea of trying to live without my favorite things seems unmanageable. I obviously have an addiction to a certain degree. But I’m so scared to try. 

It’s clear I’m coming up with excuses too. One of the thoughts I had was “well, i don’t know how to store real food” and “well, I never eat food I freeze”...as if I LITERALLY don’t stop at the grocery store everyday anyway for our meals now. It’s the same exact thing. I need to suck it up and do this. 

I’ve struggled with my weight my entire life. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been ashamed and hated the way I look. I’ve been steadily getting bigger and bigger. I got weighed a few weeks ago before I dropped out of the weight loss competition at work. I weighed 379lbs at that point. I can only assume I weight the same, if not more now.

The impetus for this journey is my mom. Over the last year she has gotten really sick. Due to complications from diabetes, she’s gone through a gamut of health issues. Including the fact that her kidneys are functioning at 14%. She’s been in and out of the hospital. Her heart is failing. She has no energy. She’s on dialysis. 

At the beginning of the year, my family had to hear that there was nothing the doctor could do for her heart. That if she didn’t turn her diet around, she didn’t have long.

My mom is in her 50s. 

It was a wake up call for her and for me. I know that is my future if something doesn’t change and change immediately. But I didn’t know where to start. 

It’s been weighing heavily on my mind for months. I try to eat a vegetable now and then but I’m still going to McDonalds. I’m still scarfing down pizza and ice cream. And I know I’m slowly killing myself by doing it.

Enter my friend @tedbigsby. He and his girlfriend recently started the Whole30 challenge. I did some research, bought the book and think it may just be the thing to help kickstart me. To kick my addiction to sugar and bread. To help heal myself. 

I plan to start Monday, May 9th. Give myself the week to plan, try some recipes, shop and get through Mother’s Day before kicking in to gear.

I’m hoping to use this to document my progress, issues, feelings, etc. And to hold myself accountable.