4 am things
it’s the rainy season and it’s so so comforting to be able to listen to the rain at night when I have to get up and come out to the living room and lay on a heating pad.
every night.
I got injured in August. herniated disc (at L3/L4 for those of you anatomy geeks), compressing the nerves between L3/L4 AND L4/L5. the ones that enervate your quads down to your lateral shin. related trochanteric bursitis. related sciatic nerve anguish anterior + lateral.
that shit takes months to heal and I knew that. I was lucky to not need surgery and I also knew that.
and yet...
here it is months later and I don’t feel lucky, I feel mentally and emotionally fatigued to the point of delerium.
I’ve had a lot of time to think. too much time in my head. my intrusive thoughts had been on the mend and less frequent and now they are pretty much holding court. they like hurting me as much as this injury does.
one of my professors said that pain is just communication. a warning. a message.
I’m good at pain. I’m tired of being good at pain. maybe I’m good at being with pain but never communicating.
this is my october ghost story when it turns out the ghosts aren’t actually the bad guys just talking.
what are you trying to tell me?
it’s 4:30 am and I’m too awake. I’m used to this and I don’t want to be used to this ritual. heat. stretch. meds. feel painfully lonely out here. back to bed and try not to wake up my beautiful sleeping partner. try to go back to sleep.
tonight was a really beautiful october night in Seattle. we walked a lot and went to see great art and had happy hour wine and food in a wonderful old little italian lounge bar somehow preserved from the 60’s. I am counting the good things over and over.
it’s raining and I am listening.
