phase one: this is before the actual splitting occurs outwardly, but inside Iāve been boiling for a while. I start to feel shame, and guilt because I know whatās about to come next. I may start to isolate, or become more irritable and snappy hoping to get someone to say something to bring me out of my mind. Or to maybe see passed that outer hard shell, that there is really something wrong inside. But this is usually not the case. Most just assume Iām being mean to them because I enjoy being mean. I feel anxious. My thoughts are racing. Is this reality? Am I wrong for feeling slighted? I overthink every detail until I snap.
āI knew something was wrong the first time I tried to pick up your sunlight just to have it slither through my fingers, not wanting to take shape or be heldā
āNothing was different - the beds, walls and all the corners where the waiting continuedā
phase two: the actual splitting. I feel out of control. I feel out of control of my emotions. Out of control of my perception of reality. Out of control of my reactions. My words. I feel like I donāt know the person Iām splitting anymore. Like theyāre a different, bad person. But I know deep down theyāre the same person, but emotionally I am not capable of feeling that way. I feel like Iām watching myself from outside of my body and theres no way I can get back in control of it until Iāve made a mess and itās too late.
phase three: the aftermath. I feel shattered, broken, like someone just reached into my chest and pulled out my heart, set it on fire, and placed it back inside of me. I feel anger towards the other person because I secretly wanted them to save me from myself. I wanted them to just hold me until it was all better. But how could they? When Iām hurling horrible words and threats towards them. Insult after insult, and accusations, because something happened that caused me to feel triggered emotionally and then I lost control of the situation. I felt pain, and the only way I knew how to cope was to bring that same pain to them.
And once the damage is done, Iām left feeling even more shameful, guilty, angry at myself, angry at the other person. I feel like hiding. Never facing them again. And if they ever ask me what happened, Iāll not want to talk about it.
Partly because I donāt remember, because I tend to mentally black out when I lose the ability to regulate my emotions and they become out of control. Nothing else matters except that pain Iām feeling and how I can alleviate the split
But also, I wonāt want to talk about it, because how am I supposed to explain to someone the chaos inside my head? How am I supposed to explain that one minute I could love you and you could be perfect to me, and within minutes, youāre an absolute monster.
How am I supposed to explain that to someone without them thinking Iām on drugs (Iāve been accused of being on drugs during my splitting episodes).
Itās painful. Not only for me, but the person on the other side. And it makes me hate myself even more. Because I know I can cut someone into pieces with my words as long as Iāve painted them black in my mind. But I canāt seem to stop the spiral once it starts.
summary: I feel out of control, and shameful, helpless, and guilty. Stupid. Unworthy. Unlovable. Hated.
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