love & Loss

I’m in the middle of a divorce. A divorce from a man I’ve loved for 3 years. I still love him, with my whole heart. I will never wish anything bad to happen to him, and I will likely miss him every day for the rest of my life. My husband and I were on our second go around of trying to make things work. We struggled for many years. We were two different people, with two very different upbringings, two different dreams, and two different goals. We loved deeply, but that love wasn’t enough to fix the fact that our lives were constantly moving apart.

I started watching rom-coms during the initial breakup. I wanted to believe love was really enough, that it exists and is attainable, that it doesn’t require ripping my soul in two to sustain it. My problem came when I realized that popular culture idolizes getting back together. What do I mean?

- Jane The Virgin: The main character is part of a love triangle, and gets back together with both of her exes MULTIPLE times. They ignore the deep mistrust and abandonment, and piggy back on this idea that love can conquer anything.

- Crazy Ex-Girlfriend: This show not only allows the main character to get back together with ALL THREE OF HER EXES, and also MULTIPLE times, but also perpetuates the idea that you can convince someone to love you if you’re creative enough

- New Girl: I literally do not even want to get started on this. 

- Friends: You get the idea

Don’t get me wrong, I think love can conquer so much. However, you can outgrow your partner. You can hit a wall. You can lose sight of each other. You can unintentionally hurt one another. Second chances are hard to give. Third, fourth, and fifth changes are masochism. Every chance rips at the foundation in a big way. It’s the hardest thing to reopen old wounds in hope of actually healing them, especially when the risk or further damaging those wounds is so high.

These days my brain is slow. It’s been about 30 years since I felt like I could keep up with the noise and the hustle. The world moves so fast once you begin to move slow.

Turning 100 is probably supposed to seem like an amazing day. A wonderful accomplishment, the pride of a working body, the joy of getting to meet your great grandchildren. I have been blessed, truly. Three beautiful kids, five gorgeous grandkids, no divorces in my family. Truly blessed.

Once my body hit its late seventies, the pain began to outweigh the promise. The human body is a well-oiled machine, but every machine can rust and break down over time. Once mine started to give up on me, I started to accept that one day I would break down too. I never anticipated the feeling of sitting in a rusted machine where the computer started to fail as well. I’m no longer quick. The term “keep me on my toes” will never again apply to me. I am stuck, sedentary and complacent, watching life pass me by.

There’s a unique feeling when you’re at a party being thrown for you but you can barely participate in it. My brain isn’t even quick enough to grasp the things happening around me. My family and friends are asking me questions to which I need several moments to understand, much less answer. The younger ones avoid me; they know I can’t keep up and I know they’re slightly burdened by me.

For about 18 years, I had convinced myself family was a burden. Family was doing things you never want to because it will make Grandma happy. Family was dividing holidays to please everyone. Family was disappointing more than just yourself every time you make a mistake. Family was sacrificing your dreams to fit the dreams your elders had for you. Family was bottling your emotions and always pasting a smile on your face. Family was hiding my tattoos with long sleeve shirts because despite it being for self-expression, it was embarrassing to my parents.

When I went to college, family finally became what I chose. I could choose the people I wanted to stand by my side through the hard times. I could choose who I would open up to with all of my problems. I could choose who I spent every day with, every holiday with, every high and every low. The downside? Those people would never be there forever. We had our own dreams and our own goals. We would never be able to stay a family, but we would never stop being family.

I graduated college at 24 years old, when I was dating my first long term boyfriend. Throughout college, he had slowly taken over the role of family for me. It was the first time I had married the idea that I could have my own family that would become part of my real family. It was the first time I trusted someone enough to open up the bottled emotions I saved from my real family. It was the first time I thought I could start a new family with someone. It was the first time I felt that I could create a loving home.

At 25, my father gave his blessing for my boyfriend to ask for my hand in marriage. My mother had passed away, but I always knew she was smiling down on us. We got engaged and married within a week. I was starting a family with someone I had only been dating for 2 years. It was scary, terrifying, and the happiest I had ever been in my entire life. And in less than a year, I ran.  My family crept back up into my head. My family, whose expectations haunted me. My family, who wanted what was best for me. My family, who would judge me for making a rash decision like getting married too quickly. My friend family, who didn’t support me. My friend family, who missed me. My friend family, who thought I made a rash decision. And so, I did it. I ran. 

It took me no time at all to realize the huge mistake I had made. I had spent my whole life looking for my own family, only to throw it all away the moment something got hard. I learned the most valuable lesson of my life. Family will get annoyed with you, be disappointed in you, and will let you down. Family will also build you up, never abandon you, and never let you do anything that will hurt you or cause you pain. It took me a quarter of my life to realize that family is the most important thing in this life. It doesn’t matter which people you choose to call “family,” but once you do it matters that you never let them go. Never sacrifice a lifetime of love for a career, never sacrifice it for a place or a feeling, and definitely never sacrifice it because of fear. Hold on tight to anyone you have the pleasure of getting to know and love on a deeper level – life’s too short for anything else.