some kind of criminal mastermind

[Who the fuck was this and why was he calling her a sailor. She’s never even been on a boat. Or on the moon, for that matter. Without hesitation, she’s taking the card from him and tearing it in half.]

You’re weird.

...That was a custom made card. And you ripped it. How could you do this? Do you not care at all about the subtle off-white coloring? The tasteful thickness of it--Oh my god, you don't care about the watermark either don't you?

You're sick...

[Probably.]

So you're aware of the rules of Monopoly then? Okay. You stopped on my space and I have a hotel here.

[ He pulls out a series of cards from the board game, flipping through them before he finds the one he's looking for and flashes it at her.

PARK PLACE. BLUE CARD. WITH HOTEL; $1500. ]

[She isn’t entirely sure why she thought taking a walk in the middle of the night would be a good idea—but here she is anyway, standing on the sidewalk and pretty sure that she’s half deaf now.]

[She squints.]

Monopoly. Do you like it? 

I have all this piss for you.

I don’t.

Want.

Wow, she did not need to see boy butt. On the list of butts she wanted to see, this probably wasn’t on her list. It still isn’t on her list. He looks, like, twelve.

[txt] LIARRR U DO THIS ALL TEH TIME ;))) ILL EAT YA BOOTY IF U COME OVER COME ON MA N ;))))

[txt:] .......... ლ(ಠ_ಠლ)

[txt:] i'm pretty sure this is a wrong number

He's most likely drunk off his ass on piss-brandy so he takes a picture of himself to get "Hamegg"s engines running.

[PICTURE MESSAGE]: 

gOOD LORD.

He’s dialing the number for the police so fast, he nearly breaks the phone in half. He draws the curtains and really, really hopes Dio didn’t hear that.

He's on one of those lawnmowers that you actually drive around--wait where the hell did he get one of those? He's making circles in the lawn and heads straight for the petunias.

Goodbye flowers.

“Please leave before I call the police.”

He did not want to disturb Dio with this nonsense. Though, the smell of smoke gets him incredibly anxious—he’s at least thankful that he had the decency to put it out.

"SO YOU DON'T WANT YOUR PRESENT? THAT'S COOL. I'LL USE IT THEN."

He reaches down for the bag, which had already smelt foul before he lit it on fire and pissed on it. He takes a few steps away and throws it at one of the bigger windows of the house.

The paper bag explodes, the contents of the bag splattering all over the surface and an Ashley Simpson CD clattering on the ground since discs couldn't really stick to surfaces.

"Hey hey hey! Rock is here to play! I have a gift for you!"

He gently places a paper bag, filled with something, onto the doorstep. He proceeds to light it on fire, only to piss it out before it got any bigger.