MakowashiMai

Please tell us about your first meeting with hide.

“In ‘96, the label LEMONed was founded, and higher ups in the company wanted me to help them set it up. Until then, I had only listened to western music, so even X I only knew by name, nor did I know anything beyond that this was the label of the personal office of X’s guitarist hide-san. But, when I listened to the demo tape of the compilation LEMONed was planning to release, the songs on it were all incredibly cool. I thought, if the label is like that, working for it might be fun as well, and decided to join them. When I came to the office the first time, hide-san was in the conference room. When I entered the room, we had a really short introduction of me going, “I’m the new one, Yamamoto. Thank you for having me,” and him replying, “I’m hide. Nice to meet you,” as he had to leave for LA the next day. He was wearing a hat low over his eyes, his voice was quiet, and he just gave the impression of being a quiet person. I didn’t know X at all at that time and to be honest wasn’t very familiar with hide-san’s face either, so my first impression really was him being quiet and docile.”

After that, you didn’t see him for a while?

“Yes. It wasn’t a time when everyone had their own PC, and business was done on the phone rather than by mail. The LEMONed compilation was released on the 22nd of May, and before “MISERY” came out in June, I was alone in the office one night. That was when hide-san called from LA. I think he was maybe a little drunk. The video for the compilation was ranking 1st on the ORICON charts, the CD was ranking 2nd, still he said, “You know, the debut CD of my label didn’t make it to 1st place, so is it really okay for me to release another solo single here?” Hearing this, I couldn’t help but say, “As someone who is a big fan of Elvis Costello and doesn’t know X at all, I thought “MISERY” is really cool. So you have to release it.” And, “What are you talking about? The CD is ranking 2nd and the video 1st. It’s an amazing CD, so please release your single. Me, I will sell it.” This was me giving just a quick greeting – in the end, he laughed and ended the call with, “I get it, I get it. I will release it.” Thinking about it now, I think he was fearless, and yet he listened to me without getting angry. Just, frankly, that phone call was unexpected. It goes without saying that the first place is better than the second, but I think he was also serious about business. He was serious about music and about business both. In that moment, I thought, “I will sell him!” (laughs) I think it was that late night phone call that made me feel that way.”

Didn’t it take courage to say those words?

“I was desperate at that time, so I didn’t think about that. Later, I realized how fearless I had been (laughs). After that, when “FLAME” was recorded, Yanagida-kun of ZEPPET STORE joined in on drums, so I took him to LA. That was the time when we met and had a proper conversation for the first time.”

How long after your first meeting was that?

“I don’t remember it clearly, but I think it was about three months.”

What was your impression that time?

“We had only met once before, so I thought, “We only exchanged a greeting, he probably doesn’t remember me,” and I remember being very nervous as I talked about the promotion plan in the studio. Anyway, since I was so nervous, I spoke like a waterfall, and he listened carefully to it all. At that time, he also had X, he also had zilch, it was really hard. He only had five days to stay in Japan, and in that time he had an insane schedule of magazine, TV, and radio appearances. But he usually just said, “It’s fine,” and we went to his favorite izakaya afterwards. Since it was my first time, he was really considerate and introduced me to the others, like engineer Eric [Westphal]. Really, he was so kind. I didn’t see him drunk either, so I had an impression of him being a very earnest, serious person, that first time (laughs).”

That late-night phone call didn’t come up?

“I never spoke about that call with hide-san again. But when I had mentioned that I liked Elvis Costello, he said, “Well, you’ll certainly like this,” and told me about an artists called James Hall. When I then bought a CD at Tower in LA and showed it to him saying, “hide-san, it’s this one, right?”, he looked happy. At that point I thought that he must know I had been the one he had talked to that night. But when I listened to that CD, I thought, amused, that I had listened to Elvis Costello as a vocalist while hide-san had listened to him as a guitarist. I still treasure that CD, even now.”

He had a lot of different recommendations for everyone, didn’t he?

“That’s how LEMONed came to be. That’s also why he was very concerned with ZEPPET STORE and told me many times, “You have to sell them.” “What are you doing for the promotion of the next singe?” “Where are they appearing?” He worried about them a lot. Work was tough. When it came to his own solo works, he also said things like, “I need to get on TV here,” and so on. But no matter how hard his schedule was, he never complained. He’d rent two neighboring studios, have one set up while he was taking the pictures for the front cover in the other, then switch places when he was done with that… That’s how he always did it. “Once an interview starts, I talk like a machine gun and say the same things over and over, so add an interview in there,” he’d tell me, and I now realized that just when I thought about how hard the promotion schedule was, more work was added to it. But he never complained and he never asked for a break. Also, whether it were magazines, TV, radio, campaigns, he really did it all. He was someone who understood that “if you do something, you need to reach as many people as possible”, so he put up with whatever hard schedule he had to. I was grateful. He was like the model of an artist. Even if there was only a five to ten minute break to eat a sandwich or an onigiri, he was completely fine with it.”

I suppose he had an identity as both an artist and as a businessman.

“I wonder if there has ever been an artist, before or after, who took both entertainment and business into consideration like he did; he thought it through so well. Strangely, regarding money, it wasn’t about that. I think he genuinely wanted to let people listen to what he was releasing. Also, he often said, “I want to change the charts.” In the ORICON charts, there’s idols, there’s western music, there’s me, there’s Mo-Musu, there are all sorts of people; it’s fun in that sense, he often said, “I want to break down the barrier between western music and Japanese music,”, and “I want to change the charts.” He had respectable opinions and was earnest, and he always treated music with sincerity, so I learned a lot, working with him.”

I heard there is a story about your birthday.

“In ‘97, there was an all-night event, circling through five clubs that we had booked. That was on a Friday, on the following Saturday, he held a convention with all the groups of that time in the Hiten-Hall of the Tanakawa Prince Hotel and called dealers and media from the entire country to it. On the next day, which was all interviews, the people from the recording company said, “The final day of this midsummer-triple is not only the hardest of it but also Yamamoto-san’s birthday,” and then threw a birthday party for me. At that time, once the interviews were over, hide-san said, “Thank you for your hard work,” [Otsukaresama, a common greeting during or after work.] and went home like always. Except that after stopping at a shop, hide-san suddenly showed up again, bringing a massive bouquet of flowers. So big hide-san almost disappeared behind it. I later heard that he said “Please stop here,” in the car and went to the flower shop to get the flowers himself. And then he stayed until very late.”

Initially, he pretended to go home, right?

“Right. When I said to him in the parking lot, “Thank you for letting me celebrate such a great birthday with everyone and for those amazing flowers,” he replied, “You’re welcome, congratulations!” I was really delighted because the last three days had been so hard than not only me but all the staff had worked tirelessly without sleep. That he quietly came to bring me flowers really turned that into a memorable birthday for me.”

Did you go on tour [with him]?

“I didn’t go anywhere except LA. In LA, the advance arrangements of the promotion took place, so I went there a few times. Hide-san also held the title of director of HEADWAX. I was, of course, an employee there, and so – although this is normal for any company, I think – I would clash with the opinions of superiors or deal with other unpleasant things at work. One time, after a meeting, he said to me, “You look like you just died, what’s going on?”, and when I said, “It’s nothing,” he said, “Can’t be helped, we’re having a complaining battle,” and took me drinking. “Everyone may think that I am an idiotic director, but the director of HEADWAX I am. If anything is wrong, please let me know,” he told me. What troubled me at that time had to do with how to sell ZEPPET STORE. When I told him that, he said, “This isn’t the problem of someone who came in later and has to think of a promotion without knowing ZEPPET’s music, this is me asking you as someone who knows ZEPPET, so sell them the way you think is best. I’ll have your back.” He was really observant, so when I was booing, he’d casually watch me with a grim expression. Since he was both an artist and my director, I never said myself, “It’s hard, let’s go for a drink,” but he watched me diligently. Then he would call out for me, and several times the topic of going for a drink came up. But when it got too late, he would say, “Well, it’s time for women and children to leave. From now on, it’s just the bastards,” and send the female staff members home. I think that, too, showed a lot of forethought. It’s why I have never seen hide-san go on a rampage. He’s been drunk and fooling around, but I never witnessed him lose it completely.”

Regarding promotion, he was really thorough, wasn’t he?

“On the day the “ROCKET DIVE” PV was filmed, he performed on “Mezumashi TV” in the morning. The first time that came up, I thought he wouldn’t be able to do it, because it was at 5 a.m.. When I told him, “There’s been an offer for you to be a live guest at “Mezumashi TV”, but you’re going to turn that down, right?”, he said, “I’ll do it,” which surprised me. That day, he went to Fuji TV after staying up all night so he wouldn’t be late in the morning, then, once the broadcast was over, moved straight on to the studio in Yokohama to film the PV. What’s more, the filming was very hard and he started feeling ill from being suspended in mid-air and spinning around, so he threw up. I think that came from the sleep deprivation, but he never once complained. To add to that, the filming of that PV was even covered by a TV program.”

He hated roller coasters and wasn’t good at being suspended off the ground.

“He hated it, but once he decided to shoot that kind of scene, he did it with a professional mindset. If it was to create something good, or if it was his job, he didn’t hesitate, even if it was something he didn’t like.”

He was also like that when it came to strange ideas for photo shootings.

“He had a lot of those. For example, there were a lot of covers of music magazines lined up in bookstores, right? To stand out among those, he had strong opinions on what to do where. The same goes for CD jackets and PVs. But he said it like, “I want to do it like this, what do you think?” and never forced it. I think he had a clear idea of what he wanted to do, especially when it came to the polish of the visuals. It was really fun, because I was given the chance to expand on my ideas and voice my opinions. In between recording four weeks worth of content of “Rocket Punch” in the CX studio, on 1 May (the day before he passed away), he also recorded dozens of comments for music broadcasts across the country, and commentary on the radio. He didn’t complain at that time either, and instead seemed to ask for more and more. Just that month, he was preparing for the release of the two songs “Pink Spider” and “ever free”. The catchphrase of that time was “I came twice in one month”, but when the people from the record company and I send hide-san all the options we had thought of, he said, “This one is best.” Then, “For the advertisements, put both jackets on one add for all of them,” and I was told, “If you release twice, you also need to be on TV twice.” So on the 1st, he asked me, “What about the TV appearances?” and when I said, “”Pink Spider” is a go, but “ever free” needs a little more time”, he got angry in the dressing room, saying, “In that case, there is no point to releasing two songs in one month. You bring out songs twice in one month so you can appear twice in one month.” So I said, “I’m sorry, I’ll definitely get it done, just give me a little more time,” and went straight to the after party. At that time, that he got angry at me came as a shock, and it definitely got me thinking that I needed to work harder. It happened before that he said things like “Hey, why aren’t we in that magazine?” to me, but him getting mad at me was a first. Of course, he didn’t yell at me, but I got the feeling that he really was angry. For me, that was the last time I ever spoke to hide-san about work.”

On the other hand, did you ever get angry, Yamamoto-san?

“At the time of shooting the pictures for the “ROCKET DIVE” booklet, I wanted to get angry when I heard that he had broken his foot, but as soon as he arrived at the studio, he apologized, saying, “I’m sorry.” That was the only time he ever apologized to me. But, he wasn’t the kind of person to be weird and selfish, and he did what he could for us. When he didn’t like something, he properly explained why, and that was the only time I ever wanted to get mad at him. He wasn’t late either. Five or ten minutes here or there, but he never made everyone wait forever, and I think he was an excellent student. He was very earnest. At other musicians I did get very angry, but never at hide-san.”

He was always punctual.

“He probably understood that he didn’t have a lot of time.”

With a tight schedule like that, being even a little late would affect all the plans for later.

“That’s right. I think he understood that very well. In contrast, we were walking on a tight rope. With it being haphazardly put together, we wondered if it would be okay. I don’t think that kind of promotion exists anymore. I don’t think anyone still deals with such a large number of things, with TV, radio, magazines, all in one week. There are also a lot of band men who don’t like going on TV, don’t like live appearances, don’t like that magazine, don’t like radio and so on. But he wasn’t like that at all. “Music Station” was a program that aired at eight in the evening, but since the make up for the band took time, the first ones arrived at ten in the morning. In the dressing room, they all would often laugh about it, saying, “Why do we have to hang out in the dressing room since noon if the program doesn’t start until eight PM?” On top of that, he also did interviews and shootings for magazines in the breaks for those rehearsals. But, I think it’s because of how fun it was that no one complained even though the band members were also busy with other band as well. I think with all the ideas like flying around in a harness at “Music Station”, letting it rain ink, bringing in lasers, or “Let’s film in mini skirts from below”, everyone in the band had fun, even though the rehearsals took time. No one ever complained about it taking too long, or that it was terrible. I had the impression that everyone was enjoying themselves.”

Did you hear about the conception of LEMONed from the man himself?

“The concept of LEMONed was “kowaii”, from a combination of “kawaii” [cute] and “kowai” [scary], and things that were “kowaii” could be music, hairstyles, clothes, really anything. I’m a collector, not a producer, so I bring in things I find interesting. I want to make it a label where anything goes, like an upside down toy box – that’s what he often said. I think it was going in a somewhat different direction from the all-caps HIDE of X JAPAN. For example, X JAPAN’s color was black, while here it was pop with pink and fluorescent colors. Hide-san came up with Psychobear, and t.o.L. created the character of a bear with a lemon stuffed inside. With lower-case hide he wanted to create visuals that were a little different from X JAPAN, I think. I also find it very interesting that LEMON is slang for “defective product”, and by adding -ed, he put it in the past tense, the name of the label meaning something that was “originally a defective product”. I don’t think you found that way of thinking a lot in Japan. He thought about the collaboration between visuals and music a lot even then and I think he was way ahead of everyone else in this regard.”

Yamamoto-san, you left the company once after hide-san passed away, didn’t you?

“Yes. I couldn’t quite process it, since the last time we met, the night before he died, we parted as usual with “Thank you for your hard work.” But because it was a matter of public interest, I had to deal with the media. I couldn’t believe it myself, so I kept being chased by thoughts like, “How do we go about “All Night Nippon”?” or “What do we do with the magazine after the interview is over?” My last impression had been of him being angry at me: “I told you to take care of the TV thing, so what about it?!” so I kept thinking along those lines. It was only when hide’s special in “ARENA 37º came out and I read the addendum to it that it hit me that “He’s gone”, and the tears came. With the two years before having been so amazing, I couldn’t continue after that. So I left at that time, I absolutely wouldn’t continue. Be it the tour that happened without hide, or the release of the new album, I even avoided looking at magazines. When he came on TV, I changed the channel. After the film gig of the international forum for the 6th anniversary of his death, they asked me, “It’s a milestone, so please come,” and I went to see the footage of the tour’s final in Yoyogi, which I had attended. Obviously, when I saw him sing, laugh, run, and play the guitar at that time, like nothing had changed, I thought, “I have to pass this on.” It’s not nice to say this, but there was also the thought of, “Why are we doing business after he is gone?” Frankly, I wondered, “Would hide be happy that we are releasing works after his death?” I hated that, so I ran and avoided it all. But when I watched that film gig, my feelings changed completely and I felt, “That concert is so amazing even seeing it six years after his death; I have to let people know about this.” Just when I felt that it was right to pass it on and that I had been the one who was in the wrong, talk came up of whether I would like to return to the company. Only, I couldn’t decide it it would be okay for me to return after I had consciously avoided it for so long. But I wanted to be true to how I felt when I saw the film gig, so I chose to go back.”

Is there anything you would like to say to hide-san now?

“I wonder what he would be doing if he were here now. This year marks the 10th anniversary, there was the “hide memorial summit” and several releases, and I think I am glad I was able to join the company for this. Opportunities like this give me a lot of chances to remember things from the past, so I’m really glad I got to be with the company for this milestone, and in clumsy words, I feel like hide-san called me once again. What will happen from here on out I don’t know, but there was a promise to hide-san I was not able to keep, so for now, I don’t think I will run away from music again.”

What is that promise you couldn’t keep?

“It was my task to “make sure to sell ZEPPET STORE”, but the truth is I abandoned them after hide-san died, and I also couldn’t keep my promise to get him on TV twice. So when RIZE made a cover for “Pink Spider”, I felt I had to work extra hard to promote them. I’m doing my best, thinking I should do what I couldn’t when hide-san was around. Having said that, I won’t give up on mucic anymore. I want to seriously participate in it. To be honest, there were times when I wondered if I shouldn’t retire from the music industry, but then I thought I can’t give up on myself and returned to this company. I think hide-san was an amazing person who seriously considered the coexistence of business and entertainment, and didn’t just think about himself but about the music industry as a whole, about the staff, about his senior and junior bands. I think that I got to spend time with such an artist is an asset, and it’s become an important experience and memory for me. To me, it’s like a protective charm that says, “Be sincere about music”. This year, he started appearing in my dreams. Probably because I was exhausted from all the noise surrounding the X JAPAN concert at that time. He appeared with pink hair and the clothes he was wearing during the PSYENCE era.”

Did he say anything?

“It was a dream, so the situation wasn’t realistic (laughs). The person in charge of the record company at that time had plans to go somewhere with hide-san, and they were quickly turned down. When hide-san said, “I can’t go, go on your own,” I said, “It’s fine, I’ll go,” at which point he said, “You can go? Let’s go!” “Wait a moment, I want to change,” I said, and he said, “It’s fine, it’s fine, go as you are,” and I said, “No, this doesn’t suit me at all,” it really was a non-sensical dream.” [Translation note: It’s actually impossible to tell who was talking where in this exchange, as no names or pronouns were provided, so this is merely my best guess.]

But, that really does sound like hide-san, doesn’t it?

Epilogue

There is someone who keeps dedicating their life to rock music and shines with a brilliance that will never change.

I am able to hold on and push through because I once again realized that.

Having been so incredibly close to HIDE-san and X, I could never smear dirt on the band. The pride I take in that is the one thing that keeps me going.

If the ugly ways of life were exposed, Shishô would say to me, “KUMA, what are you doing?” The face he makes as he says this I can always see in my imagination.

That’s why I would never want to meet a HIDE-san who is making a face like that.

I don’t ever want to see that expression.

I’m enthusiastically putting my energy into my hard work so that it’ll be a good expression to look at.

It’s a serious battle that I’m fighting with myself.

If someone were to say to me, “KUMA, you are a really hard worker and a wonderful person”… If someone said that, I would answer with absolute sincerity:

“No, I am neither great nor wonderful, it’s HIDE-san who is the best.” I want to work hard enough to be told that, because that is the reply I want to give.

Naturally, I still think a lot when I read the lyrics written by Shishô.

Oh, all of his feelings were put into them…

I feel like he is always giving hints to teach me how to live my life from now on…

After all, people are hurt by others and saved by others, that’s what keeps them alive.

Well, what occurs in this world will certainly be resolved in this world. But what happens in the other world cannot be resolved in this world at all.

Right now, I happen to exist in this world, but there is no knowing what the future will hold.

So rather than taking too many things on yourself and living a life full of worry and suffering, I think it’s okay to live happily and honestly, doing the fun things you enjoy, without causing trouble to anyone.

Somehow, I’ve come to think this way a lot…

If you can think positively about anything that lies before you, you automatically gather people with a positive attitude around you, and there will be a positive drive to anything you do.

If, on the other hand, you don’t possess the power to overcome negative situations, you will begin to inexplicably attract negative people, and there will be a chain reaction of negative developments.

No matter how heavy the challenges we are burdened with, let’s help each other without giving up or losing courage!! Even if it’s just a little at a time… Because that’s what’s really important…

Let’s live by enjoying every day to the fullest now, so that we can live on without regrets. Because if we didn’t, it would be a complete waste…

Although many things have happened in my life full of ups and downs, lately I have reached the point where I can finally, little by little, laugh naturally.

Today, my goal is to smile more than yesterday…

Today, I am still separated from Shishô, but sooner or later, one way or another…

In any case, I am anxiously, eagerly awaiting the time when I can meet Shishô once again. I want to see him soon, we have so much to talk about!!

Since time passes the same whether you laugh or cry, I will relax a little and work appropriately hard so I can meet as many smiling people as possible.

In the past, the present, and in the future as well…

So that I can always think, “I had the best and happiest life!!”

There is still a lot of joy to come…

There is still a lot of anger to come…

There is still a lot of sadness to come…

There is still a lot of fun to be had…

After all, I am still alive.

Trembling with joy

Trembling with anger

The strings of my heart trembling with tears

Even though I tremble, it never stops, my precious, precious treasure

Holding on tightly to this “never ending bond” that is mine alone…

Afterword

Shishô, did you listen properly to “JET SPARK” and “STARDUST STORY” yet…?

To make them the best songs, the strongest artists all came together and put all their effort into it.

Honestly, the “Unfinished Poem” that all I am currently capable of has been poured into is finished.

Even so, they are still unfinishable works in “incomplete completion”, despite me creating them with all I had…

Those two songs from Lake Yamanaka.

As time passed, they breathed anew, were revived.

After all, I wanted to deliver them on Shishô’s birthday…

This time, please, work on them them as far as they can be worked on until we meet again!!

And then, the next time the two of us meet, let’s finish them for sure.

There were too many memories coming back to me, so as I wrote them down, I carefully had to pick them up one by one.

I wrote this with the genuine hope that I, from my heart, could convey the kindness of Shishô.

And also, because I wanted to give a clear explanation of the two songs we created together.

But Shishô, when you read this, it probably brought back a lot of memories of things past.

If there is another opportunity, I would like to write down all the memories I did not get to share here…

In any case, Shishô, let’s meet again soon.

For now, I have to put my efforts into the things I still have left to do a little longer…

Heisei 21 December 13 Inoue “kuma” Hideki

[Heisei 21 is 2009.

“Unfinished Completion” – Now I can finally talk to HIDE-san

At the end, let us please talk about music once more.

“JET SPARK” and “STARDUST STORY”… the reason why these two songs were suspended without being released even though I had performed them with my own band a few times is that Shishô’s work was just too big, too amazing… When I was not with Shishô, it was like I could not feel anything greater than I had been feeling when I was… I created and destroyed it, created and destroyed, not moving forward at all.

Especially when it came to “STARDUST STORY”, with there being parts where the melody and cords had been created by hide-san in blocks… He probably would have created the rest of the foundation in that way and then completed it in exchanges with me. That’s what I thought, anyway.

Maybe, around this time 11 years ago, he had meant to set up the form and the arrangement at Lake Yamanaka, and then later in the US, to then hand it over to me… Looking back on that time, I can’t help but feel that way…

However, a lot of time has passed since then, I have found a lot of good music in that time, and what Shishô has taught me about structuring and creating a song, I have come to understand my own way…

I suppose the feeling I had back then, that “I will never be able to feel anything greater than I did at that time,” gradually began to change.

As long as I am living a life of working hard in music, just like I always have, I feel that I will definitely regret it if I don’t finish these two songs in my own way… and I feel that that is a heavy obstacle in my path, a wall I absolutely must overcome.

Another thing I’m thinking is that “Shishô would be angry if I failed to complete those two songs.”

“You’re always taking the long way around.”

“You worked so hard to create them.” – I can almost hear Shishô say those words.

When my TV-appearance stirred things up more than 10 years ago, there were very few people who understood what I meant when I said, “In the end, money can’t buy people’s hearts”… So I thought, “Well then, so be it,” and sealed away those two songs along with my treasured memories.

Then, after many years had passed, various opportunities combined with coincidence, and something inside me snapped.

And so I decided to share this “Unfinished Poem”, that I worked on until I was satisfied with it, with Shishô and with the people who loved him.

Even though it is completed, there is no doubt that its state can be described as an “unfinished completion”.

Because I cannot possibly finish it without being able to talk to hide-san and exchange ideas with him. Finishing it now is impossible.

But the next time I meet hide-san, I can’t keep telling him that I can’t give form to these songs. There must be an end to it.

It can’t be allowed to remain incomplete forever.

The next time I meet Shishô, I will definitely finish it!!

“Hey, KUMA. What’s become of that song you were working on?” I would hate to be asked that and have no answer to it.

Until I meet hide-san again, I will put all I have into these songs, even though they won’t be completed before that happens.

So that at the time I reunite with Shishô, he can immediately say, “KUMA, I heard those songs,” and our conversation can start with, “Well, KUMA, here you should do this. Then, let’s do that there.”

To put it bluntly, regardless of how great a producer I work with, regardless of how great an engineer I work with, regardless of how great a studio I work in, at this point, “JET SPARK” and “STARDUST STORY” are still in a state of “unfinished completion”… In the end, I created them for myself.

In the end, it has always been like that, and like that it will always remain, and I think there are a lot of contradictions in my words. I’m sorry.

I want to live a life without regrets forever.

My way of life is determined by the words, “I want to live in service of others,” but those songs are really just for me alone.

And I must pass on the “intention” that hide-san handed over to me under great hardship to the next generation.

At the time of writing this, the songs are not entirely finished.

The arrangement is done, there are just some places left where the lyrics have to be filled in… Taking on a new challenge, there are still some words that don’t fit the melody.

But roughly 90% of the lyrics are still what I wrote more than 11 years ago.

When I listen to them now, neither the music nor the lyrics seem dull in any way, nor are they rusty.

It’s the best.

I was pouring my feelings into it so much that it didn’t feel at all like I was singing a song from long ago.

Also, the presence of Tsuda-san, who was the producer of X during their CBS Sony era, meant a lot to me.

That I got to meet Tsuda-san again was like a dream. Really, Shishô, thank you so much.

Also, I met Miyazaki-san, the person in charge of this project.

If not for that meeting, I do not think this work would have been released.

To all the people, bonds, and connections I made that enabled me to live such an amazing and happy life, I am grateful from the bottom of my heart.

Chapter 5: The reasons for my silence – The thoughts behind my work The meaning of carrying on HIDE’s legacy after he was gone

The conflict of a heart that refuses to take a closer look at itself

This happened in December ‘99.

Sports paper, weekly magazines, as well as the morning information program of FUJI-TV, “Tokudane!” were talking extensively about my relationship with Shishô, while also introducing the songs we had worked on together at Lake Yamanaka.

This coverage had been triggered by various people from the office who had known about Shishô and me making those songs asking, “The songs you made together, what’s become of those?”

At the time, Shishô had expressed his concern to me with “I’ll do whatever I can,” and even told me, “You should try to make as many preparations on your own as you can, like releasing your music.”

So as that project was progressing, I received a lot of help from people outside the company regarding the songs with Shishô and how to release them in their best possible form.

One of them was someone with ties to television…

To me, those were days in which I did not have it in me to deal with music at all.

But when this person also said, “Come to think of it, what’s become of those songs you were making together with hide-chan?”, it finally pulled me back to reality.

“Oh, right. I have to properly complete those songs, as I have promised Shishô,” I thought, finally able to regain at least some of my will to face music again. “Shishô has put so much effort into those songs for me, so I really need to push through and finish them for real,” I thought.

The response after the program was tremendous.

At the time of my TV-appearance, the topic was also picked up by weekly magazines and sports papers, where I was described as “hide’s beloved disciple”.

However, the more noise they made about it, the more painfully stubborn I became.

Among those people were those who approached me with nothing but making money on their minds, and also plenty of the kind who present you with cash and privileges.

Once, I was also offered a mind blowing amount of money.

But something told me, “That’s not it, that’s not it…”

The more excited those around me became, the more I felt the opposite, simply thinking, “I just want to talk more about music in order to create cool songs,” and I ended up feeling strongly about this.

A lot of time has passed since them, but when I think about it now, I believe that those tumultuous days were not the right time to release the songs I had created together with Shishô.

It’s been more than 11 years since I parted with Shishô, and more than 10 since the uproar started by the TV-program.

That now I am finally able to get over those feelings and release my memories of Shishô and the songs to the world… I’m sure it’s because of his guidance.

After all, there has been a lot of talk about publishing, but until now, that never went anywhere, and I never went forward with it on my own.

How do I put this… It seems that inside of me there is “a line I absolutely will not cross”.

Even I don’t really understand it, but it seems that there are rules, convictions that have formed for me without me realizing it.

Money is very important and I do understand that I should feel grateful… but in the end, I want to believe that it’s not money that matters, but the heart!!

And that’s why more than 11 years have gone by.

It always went over my head.

When Shishô told me, “You always take the long way around, just make more use of me and get out there faster”…

So even during the turmoil of 10 years ago, he probably would have thought, “You need to get on the wagon with those around you”…

But, I was thinking.

Wasn’t it just because of this exact inability of mine to get things going that I was able to spend months and years so close to Shishô?

Looking back at it makes me emotional… I cannot find the words to express it, but even now, my feelings never changed: That fateful encounter with Shishô meant for me “the most fun I ever had, the happiest I ever was!!”

Also, I cannot help but wonder, after having been guided through various chances as if they were inevitable, if that was not Shishô saying, “I’m worried about KUMA being all alone, so won’t you all lend me your strength…?”, and utilizing those around me when he finally saw me start to move.

And so the next time we meet, I think I can start a conversation with Shisho about his impression of those two songs he finally got to hear.

This is what I will say:

“I did what I could and poured all my thoughts and feelings into this. That’s all I can do. Shishô, what do you think?”

KUMA’s true feelings, as poured into this book, and also into those songs

Here’s the reason why I didn’t go forward with the publication, even though by now it had been talked about plenty of times.

I didn’t want to imply that the book detailing my experiences with Shishô would be one of those “books that reveal all”. The point of this book is to give shape to my own interpretation, my own recollection of my youthful days spend with Shishô.

Since I’m looking back on memories that were long ago, the chronological order of some parts might be a little off, but as I had a close look at those memories, so many rose to the surface that were truly fun, truly filled with laughter, that I could never write them all down.

Really, there were countless episodes like that.

That said, it’s true that I also struggled and suffered together with Shishô, and that there have been conflicts… When I thought about how to portray that, I realized that I didn’t want to write something that would make everyone sad.

Despite his struggles and suffering, Shishô always had kindness and compassion for those around him. Even when he went berserk while drunk, that only happened because he held back as long as he could out of consideration for the others around.

Shishô always thought of the members of X and their families, as well as those that supported them.

If I couldn’t get that across, there has been no point to this book at all.

To me, it means something to release those two songs together: “Jet SPARK”, which was introduced on TV, and “STARDUST STORY”, which is going out into the world for the first time along with this book.

I wanted to release those songs in an environment that allowed me to properly convey their meaning.

I wanted to create a work that the people who keep thinking of Shishô could listen to with a good understanding of the truth…

It may be presumptuous, but I will continue to pass on my message, my memories of Shishô, because even though I am not good at it, I feel like this is the only thing I can do…

For that reason, I am able to grit my teeth and push through.

Because the fact that we got to meet by chance, even though we are not related by blood, are not parent and child, nor siblings, and did not really have any shared interests, is a miracle.

When I think about that, I wonder how I could convey the Shishô I knew the way he was…

Rather than write down many detailed episodes, I thought it best to tell about Shishô’s way of life in a straight and easy to understand manner.

“HIDE-san was that awesome.”

“hide-san was that fun.”

“Hide-san was that kind.”

If I convey it in this form, Shishô’s ideology should certainly be passed on to the younger generations who seek it.

Well, it took me over a decade to come to that decision. During those more than ten years, I think I grew up to some extent… Overcoming various problems and challenges to gradually keep moving forward made me stronger, I believe.

Although, to be honest, there was also a part of this that scared me.

By releasing the episodes and compositions with HIDE-san that I had kept to myself until now to the world, that would become something that I would have to carry for the rest of my life.

My feelings, the things I got from Shishô, my unwavering love, may come across with slightly different nuances when put into words.

And so, it may be taken in a way I did not intent…

Still, I think I want to remain KUMA: Endlessly positive and doing my best.

Also, I want to convey the true nature of Shishô, who never changed whether he was on stage or not, to those who still think about him.

Maybe there are even people who have to cry, reading this book.

But I really hope those aren’t tears of sadness.

I hope from the bottom of my heart that they have to cry because they can feel the deep bond that Shishô left in this world.