i'm not standing still, i am lying in wait

The explanation allowed him to breathe a bit easier, but the underlying concern was still there. He felt it on an almost cellular level, the question of whether or not he would be able to just believe her that everything was ok even once she was out of the hospital, in a way he couldn’t remember ever feeling before. “This is the kind of information you should lead with, you know,” he answered, wrapping an arm around her shoulders as he got more comfortable on the bed. “I’m really sorry I didn’t come by sooner, though.” Confusion quickly replaced concern as Sugar argued that he probably wanted to leave. Nothing he had said jumped out to him as leading to that conclusion and he had to bite back his frustration at seemingly having his relationship with Rachel thrown in his face. It wasn’t the time or place to argue about it. “I wasn’t planning on it unless you want me to leave.” As he spoke he was careful to keep his voice measured with mild curiosity. 

Mike was silently relieved when Sugar cut herself off. The phrase ‘I’m fine’ had lost any meaning to him when it came from her the second he heard she was in the hospital. It hurt to know she’d been lying to him for weeks - months, maybe - even though the rational part of his brain reminded him that it wasn’t personal. With as bad as things seemed to have gotten, he had to assume Sugar had been lying to everyone, including herself, for just as long. He chuckled slightly when she mentioned the medical staff wouldn’t stop bothering her. As awkward as the conversation was, it somehow felt like the most genuine thing he’d heard in a while. “Pretty sure that’s their job, Sugs,” he replied, raising a concerned eyebrow at her next words. “You weren’t breathing on your own before?” As the conversation shifted and turned to him, Mike shrugged. “Same as always, I guess. Rachel’s good, too.” Sugar’s refusal to call Rachel by her name frustrated him; for as long as he could remember, he had rearranged his life to meet other people’s expectations, and it felt like this was a tacit way of asking him to do so again.

Mike caught the annoyed expression that flashed across Sugar’s face. They’d been drifting lately, sure, but he hadn’t thought things between them were bad enough that she wouldn’t want him to come by. It was an uncomfortable thought, and he tried to shake it off, but it stuck, the gnawing reminder of how much he’d screwed up and failed her as a friend over the last few weeks. Maybe even months. He looked up as Sugar finally spoke, her previous annoyance replaced with a small smile that he tried to match. He really was glad to see her, not to mention relieved to see that she was relatively alright, but there was still a lingering uncertainty about where they stood. “Hey,” he nodded as he took her up on the offered seat on the bed. “How are you doing?” It was such an automatic question that for a second he worried she would interpret it as a formality and skip over the concern that laced through his voice. 

Mike: That sounds...kind of exhausting, honestly. Do you think it’ll help? 

Hospitals had never freaked Mike out before. The ordered chaos was usually something he could appreciate, drawing comfort from the idea of the underlying system behind it all. Today was not one of those times, though, and the steady beeping of respirators and monitors that filtered out from the rooms he passed only served to fuel his imagination as he wondered what state he would find Sugar in when he got to her room. Obviously she was alright enough to text, but that didn’t mean much in the long run. Especially given the practice she had racked up recently at brushing off any possibility that she wasn’t fine. Mike tried to steer his thoughts away from that line of thinking, not wanting to truly imagine what a worst case scenario would look like. He may not have been quite willing to trust her self-assessment until he’d seen her in person, but there was no sense in freaking himself out now. When he reached the room number she had texted him, he hesitated outside for a second. He hadn’t told her he was going to stop by, and with as distant as she had been lately, he wasn’t entirely sure how welcome his presence would be. He knocked lightly on the door frame as he took a step into the room, waiting to see if she was actually asleep before he went any farther.

Mike: Are they helping you figure out a next step once you’re discharged from the hospital? 

Mike: I shouldn’t have let it go that easily when you said to give you a few more weeks.